The Invitational Week 90: Stick It

An election bumper sticker contest. Plus winning fad ideas to outdo 'fridgescaping.'

Hello. This week’s contest was proposed by reader Nancy Meyer, who suggested that we create bumper stickers for use in the next few weeks leading up to a reckoning over The Most Important Presidency in Our Lifetimes (except for the lifetime of the elderly Czar, who tragically was eating strained prunes during the waning days of the Harry Truman administration, after his unexpected defeat of Thomas Dewey, which birthed the Marshall Plan, which saved Western Europe and assured the perpetuation of democracy across the globe, but also inadvertently triggered the Cold War, the partition of Berlin, etc. But that is a complex story for another time).

Ms. Meyer proposed this bumper sticker:

Show Compassion for Dementia

But DON’T VOTE FOR IT

In short order, reader Barrett Swink came up with another one:

BID NO TRUMP

So that’s the contest. We are looking for “funny,” but “brilliant and effective” will work, too. Most important: originality. If you come up with an idea, consider first whether many others are likely to propose it. Those submitted by more than three people won’t get individual ink.

For Invitational Week 90: Create an original bumper sticker slogan — 15 words or fewer — for the 2024 presidential election. It can be for either Harris or Trump, or any other proposed candidate out there, real or fictitious. (Alert: If you choose the latter category, it had better be damn good.) And you could even do one for just a vice presidential candidate.

Formatting this week: As usual, we ask only that you write each of your entries in a single line (i.e., don’t push Enter in the middle of the entry).

Deadline is Saturday, Sept. 28, 2024, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Oct. 5. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form. 

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-90.

This week’s winner receives something we are certain you do not already have: a collectible minor-league baseball figurine of one Ricky Williams, starting left fielder for the South Atlantic League’s Piedmont Boll Weevils in 1996-97, but who left to join a team with an arguably more dignified name, the Batavia Muckdogs. Mr. Williams never made it out of single-A ball, where he batted .192. He did, however, do pretty well in his second, simultaneous sport, college football at the University of Texas, where he won the Heisman Trophy as a running back. Professionally, he played for the New Orleans Saints and the Miami Dolphins, gaining many yards and much glory, until he retired at the height of his career in 2004 after failing three drug tests for pot. He made several brief returns to pro football, and coached another team with a dignified name, which is, we swear, the University of the Incarnate Word. He wound up losing $3.1 million to a bogus financial adviser named Peggy Ann Fulford, who served 10 years in prison. Today, Mr. Williams is a certified yoga instructor. He has a tattoo of Mickey Mouse on his left biceps.

This super-fine prize was donated by Kathy Sheeran of Mudwump, Vienna, Va.

Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Meanwhile, send us questions or observations, which Gene hopes to deal with in real time today. You do this, as always, by sending them to this here button:

LOL the Rage: The fad-ideas of Week 88

In Invitational Week 88 we asked you to come up with an even sillier idea than “fridgescaping,” the true but not-really-a-trend of decorating the inside of your refrigerator with flowers, framed pictures, and the like.

For perhaps the first time in our storied history, real life intruded with a real-life example of a new, real-life fad, one that rivals in its stupidity many of the actual inking entries below. Before most entries were even received, alert reader Terri Berg Smith wrote in to say she wasn’t going to submit entries because she couldn’t think of a better one than this real one, also chronicled by the New York Times: artfully arranging your pocket items and such in a TSA conveyer belt bin at the airport, then posting your creations on Instagram. Says Terri: “I pity the fool who holds up the security line taking the time to do this. Shouldn’t we have seen articles about the altercations they cause?”

Here’s an example published by the Times:

What, just throw your crap into the basket without even taking a photo? TSA bin art by Natasha Ahmed

Back to our contest:

Third runner-up:
Last-step food delivery: Make dinner even more convenient with tableside spoon-feeding services, like Open Wide and MouthDash. Try the chopsticks option! (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.) 

Second runner-up:
Instead of rooftop solar panels, rooftop nuclear reactors. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)   

First runner-up:
So you use an e-reader these days — that doesn’t mean you can’t still show off all you’ve read. Impress your friends and neighbors with bookshelves filled with framed pictures of all those books. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

And the winner of the grumpy socks:  
Study-abroad preschool. (Duncan Stevens) 

As always, if you think the best among today’s inking entries were unjustly buried in the honorable mentions, shout out your favorites in the comments.

Fad Nauseam: Honorable mentions

Inspired by RFK Jr.’s bear tale, it’s now the thing to make TikToks of leaving dead specimens of different species in Central Park. (Jeff Rackow, Bethesda, Md.) 

Precision dental care: A set of 32 toothbrushes, each customized to a single tooth. (Duncan Stevens) 

Micromarathons: Introductory-level races covering 26.2 feet. (Jesse Frankovich) 

Same-sex pet weddings. (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

All You Can’t Eat restaurants: Come in and smell the food for $9.99 for the first ten minutes; extra charge for steak and lobster aroma. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

Stage your own livestreamed colonoscopy, from proctology-themed save-the-date evites (“This is a stickup!”)  to real-time narration of the procedure. Make sure you include a surprise at the end! (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) 

Soundtracking: It’s an app that lets you add exciting musical backgrounds to everyday tasks. Every commute has a thrilling car chase theme! Every lunchtime microwave reheating adds a suspenseful crescendo as the timer approaches zero!  (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Talk Like Jane Austen Day offers a most agreeable respite from the ignoble sort of intercourse that so vexes us in today’s coarse and ill-bred times. Observed on the birthday of its illustrious namesake, it is swiftly gaining favor among those of a literary persuasion. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)  

A Christmas tree tied to the roof of your car makes a charming picture. Why not leave it there, fully lit and decorated, spreading holiday cheer wherever you go? And you'll avoid littering the floor with pine needles. Batteries not included. (Jonathan Jensen)

Bar patrons, urine luck! The latest trend is to serve cocktails in sample-collection cups, with your name on a sticker. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)   

Bonsai cannabis plants. (Tom Witte)   

Cavecore: A lifestyle that celebrates a return to prehistoric living.  Wear bearskin hides; decorate your walls with berry-dyed stick figures depicting a mammoth hunt. A perfect complement to a paleo diet. (Jesse Frankovich) 

Couples defoliate each other’s pubes, then wear their partners’ nether-curls in vials around their necks. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)    

Create earrings for your car’s side mirrors. (Leif Picoult)

Depends thongs. (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)  

Nothing says country charm like an authentic, hand-built outhouse in your backyard. And what could be more convenient for outdoor entertaining? (Jonathan Jensen; Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)   

 Don’t banish kitty to the corner: Center your living space with a cat box Zen garden, with bonsai to pee on and little rakes to create designs around the poop-rocks. (Marni Penning Coleman, Falls Church, Va.; Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)  

Elaborate “menarche parties” for girls’ first meeting with their Aunt Flo.  Red dresses are de rigueur.  (Jon Ketzner)   

Plastic lawn platypuses. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) 

Reverse sandwiches: In this whimsical deconstruction, the meat and toppings are on the outside and the bread is in the middle. (Leif Picoult)    

Paint eyeballs on your car’s headlights. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)   

Work-from-homers say their moods improve when they paint winsome smiles under the slots of their electric outlets.  (Dan Steinbrocker, Los Angeles) 

Tat Your Baby! Funny clown faces, sparkly unicorns, or the ever-popular
“❤️ Mommy.”  You’ll be sure that Jaden or Kayla will never forget you.   (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Uneven-heeled shoes. Put some extra oomph in your walk. One-inch left heel and two-inch right heel per pair. (Rob Cohen)  

Pretend You’re in an Opera: Delight your family and co-workers with spontaneous arias when you’re telling the kids to get ready for school, announcing next quarter’s sales projections,  feeding the dog…. (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)  

Make cute bling  to decorate your ankle monitor — call it your harm bracelet.  (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.; Sam Mertens; Roy Ashley)

Never worry about mold again when it’s integrated into your Rainforest Shower concept. (Kevin Dopart) 

Troughing It: As a counter-trend to very demure, very mindful eating, foodstuffs are all slopped together into a feedbox. (Jeff Contompasis) 

Rice is bad for birds; confetti is trash:  As the happy couple walks out, toss something eco-friendly, like grass clippings, eggshells, or your own cut hair or underarm shavings, tinted in natural dyes in the wedding theme colors.  (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

Vaginoplasty and Prince Albert reveal parties: After running naked through a cheerleader tunnel, of course. (Kevin Dopart)   

Your significant other will think it sublime
If on Valentine’s Day you speak strictly in rhyme.
It's a lot more romantic than buying a card,
Though maintaining a consistent poetic meter is hard. (Jonathan Jensen)   

Welsh Wordle: Get 60 chances to guess a 50-letter word. (Jesse Frankovich) 

The headline “LOL the Rage” is by Jesse Frankovich; Jesse and Chris Doyle each submitted the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running — deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Sept. 21: our Week 89 contest to compare two people who have the same initials. Click on the link below.

The Invitational Week 89: Funny, Init?

We now enter the coveted Real Time segment of The Gene Pool, where Gene tries to respond to your questions and observations, which were made in Real Time. Today’s Q’s and O’s, so far, are mostly a potpourri, with an emphasis on his Weekend call for personal experiences that answer the sentence: “I once accidentally…” plus examples of your greatest embarrassments. Please send in more Q’s and O’s of any sort:

Also, you might want to send me money by upgrading your subscription to “paid.” You might not, of course, but you might, just for frugality’s sake. I have calculated it, and determined — this is true — that the cost of one column is 29.2 pennies. That’s cheaper than the price of a single cage-free chicken egg.

Or choose a chicken egg instead:

Q: I once committed a painful accident upon my beloved father.   I was working as a server at our family’s small restaurant.  As in many restaurants, the door between the dining room and kitchen has a double-swinging, impact-traffic door.  It is customary to yell “door” a second before you push it one way or the other.  On this day I was attempting to carry an empty tray into the kitchen while talking on my cell phone.  This was a mistake.  I forgot to yell “door.”  That was the day I accidentally broke my father’s nose. 

A: Ow.  Thank you. 

—

This is Gene. In case you missed it, the other day, Donald Trump was speaking to voters in Flint, Michigan, and one of them asked him what could be done to protect the auto industry. He answered, startlingly, that the greatest peril facing the auto industry was “nuclear war.”

Trump: "It is the single biggest threat to the world, not only Michigan to the world, and you're not going to care so much about making cars, if that stuff starts happening."

I just want to concede that on this issue, Mr. Trump is clearly correct. I will add, though, that it would also be a very big threat to, say, furniture.

A commenter to the story about this event resorted to a cliche, but used it perfectly: “Well that escalated quickly.”

—

TIMELY TIP: If you’re reading this on an email: JUST CLICK ON THE HEADLINE IN THE EMAIL AND IT WILL DELIVER YOU TO THE FULL COLUMN ONLINE. Keep refreshing the screen to see the new questions and answers that appear as I regularly update the post.

Q: I once accidentally killed my father, but only on paper. After my mother died, I took Dad to the bank to add me to his checking account, as I would be writing the checks for his bills. The bank employee looked up from her computer screen and said, very slowly, to my Dad, "This says you are dead." What now? It turns out that after faithfully never making a mistake for 40 years, I had reported my father's social security number to the Social Security Administration, rather than my mother's number. I had to drag dear old befuddled Dad down to the local office to show he was alive. Then we went to lunch. He ordered a turkey sandwich and specified he wanted it with “brown gravy.”  Always the brown gravy.  My dad.   He lived, on paper and in real life, for 10 more years. – Diana Newton.

A: I love the brown gravy detail. A writerly touch.

—

Q: Accidentally dropped my old-fashioned heavy metal room key in a motel swimming pool at midnight - while I was skinny dipping. With some effort I climbed onto my second floor balcony, still naked, where I'd fortuitously left the sliding door open(there also was a screen door). Next morning I went back - clothed this time, but keyless - and asked the pool man to retrieve the key for me.

A: This reads like a recurring dream I have.

—

Q: In college, on a blind date, I offered my arm to the young lady as we descended an outdoor stairs, snowy and icy and slick.  (I might have told you this one before, apologies if I did so).  She began to take my arm, but at that moment my foot slipped, my feet went up up and away, and I went crashing down, no significant damage other than embarrassment.  The young lady was unharmed.  I was mortified.  I was sore for weeks.  And the date went about as one would expect, that is, she was wondering what she had gotten herself into.  I think we shook hands at the door later that night, unimpressed she was, and that was that.

– Roger the Artful Dodger 

A: Several people wrote in about inappropriate times they farted.  I shall not print these anecdotes because they lack dignity.   Falling ass over teakettle and landing on your rump is much more urbane and sophisticated. 

—

This is from Gene and it is the short video story of two dogs meeting for the first time after knowing each other only on Zoom.

—

Q: I seem to recall that Barney & Clyde was originally your son's idea. I notice that he is no longer involved. Did he lose interest?

A: Yes, he went on to other things a few years ago.  He is still credited because, yep, it was his idea.

—

Q: You asked for weird things you accidentally did.  I accidentally got a co-worker’s girlfriend mad at him by speculating about the consumption of urine. 

This goes to 2010, when the Chilean miners were trapped underground after a cave-in.    The initial reports were that emergency supplies including food, water and power were limited. The media claimed they resorted to drinking urine. 

I began speculating how this could have been accomplished with the limited lighting and possibly without containers. Did each aim a stream toward himself or did pairs position themselves for a gap-free exchange? Even if they survived, would they want to live knowing what they had done?

For some reason, this concept so intrigued my co-worker that he brought it up that evening with his girlfriend who was appalled at the topic. The next day, he was angry with me for starting the conversation. AITA?

Postscript: We now know they could have reused empty emergency food packaging as cups. I did not think of that at the time. Call me embarrassed. 

A: YANTA. Your question was legit, if revoltingly callous.

—

Q; I have continued to be mystified how so many could support Trump or someone like him. Are there that many "sullen, marginalized those feeling disenfranchised forgotten"? And what promise does Trump hold for them? Does not a feeling of decency exist in the vast majority that could cause them to reject Trump? While never winning the popular vote, he did amass millions of voters. I cannot understand how this happens and how some consider him divinely chosen.

A: Indeed. It is the central puzzlement and conundrum of my life right now.

—

Q: Most recent embarrassing thing this week, at least.  I left for work at 8:50 AM on a bus that only runs every 40 min, so you need to time it well.  I only work in the office like once a week.  I need my phone to work in the office in order to get on to the computer.  I got to the subway station via the bus only to realize I didn't have my phone, and there was no point in going to work if I didn't have my phone.  So I took the bus back home to get my phone and use the restroom, so I was home for like an hour.  work is 1 1/2 hours away on a bus and 2 trains, so the detour caused me to nominally get in at 12:30 instead of 10:30.  I figured it would be lunchtime by the time I got there so I would stop for lunch on the way rather than going all the way there only to leave for lunch shortly after arriving.  So after stopping for lunch I ended up getting to work at 1:45.  I had to leave by 5 because i had tickets to a show.  So I spent 3 hours round to trip to go to work for 4 hours.  Not my most productive day. 

–

A: This is not really parallel, but when I was in college I used to work very late at our campus newspaper printshop in downtown Manhattan, then take the subway north to the NYU campus in the Bronx.  My stop was at 176th Street.  Once, I was so exhausted that I slept through my stop, and had to be awakened by a transit cop when the train reached its terminus at Woodlawn.  Then I had to take the downtown train back, which involved a long wait. .  The trains were running on a half-hour schedule.  I got on the train and slept through my stop at NYU, again.  Had to double back, again.   I got home around 5 a.m.   

—

This is Gene. It occurs to me that Gary Oldman finally became an aptonym.  It was inevitable.  In Slow Horses, he plays an old man. 

—

Q: Probably not the most embarrassing moment but the one that immediately comes to mind and I wish I could undo - during a job interview as a paralegal for a law firm, I expressed a preference for being assigned to one or two large clients as opposed to multiple small ones. In my nervousness, I concluded with an overly enthusiastic “I like big ones!” No one laughed but it got quiet and I noticed a few smiles while my face turned red. I got the job. I’m a female, in case it matters.

A: It does.  Thank you. 

—

Q: The most inspiring teacher I ever had was Mr. Sanford. By the time I got to WJHS in the late 70s, he had already been there for at least 20 years, and through careful conservation and annual budget planning he had built up the high school’s chemistry facilities to rival those of many colleges. He led us all through countless instructive experiments, occasionally conducting surprising demonstrations, such as igniting hydrogen in three separate stages, ending with a deafening explosion that rattled the windows, and prompted a concerned inquiry from the teacher across the hall. Mr. Sanford made chemistry so interesting that I signed up for his second year A.P. course. 

None of us ever suspected that he had a secret wacko streak until one day when he showed up for class wearing a yellow wig and a red clown’s nose. He proceeded to give a lecture about a certain physical constant, but both his getup and his slightly weird way of speaking that day made us all think that he had gone off the deep end. Then, at the end of the class, he confided that the costume was just an act, to ensure that we would all remember that constant for the rest of our lives. The strategy was successful: to this day I still remember the symbol (“R”), although not the exact value, nor its purpose, although both of those details were easy to look up, so I think he would count it as “mission accomplished”.

A: Teachers like this are rare. I know of a psych teacher at NYU who once staged an event in the middle of his class – he had a woman friend who was unknown to the class, burst into the classroom, point at him, and accuse him of infidelity, throw something at him, say something challenging to the class, and storm out.    He then interrogated the class on what she’d been wearing, precisely what she said, what she threw, etc.  

His point was the unreliability of witness’s memories, of course.  I was supposed to be in the class that day, but cut it because I was editing the college paper.   The lesson would have been good for journalists, too, as it happens.

—

Q:  In a job interview I was asked what a chronosynclastic infundibulum is. I was hired on the spot. 

A: Nice.  A devotee of Vonnegut would get a pass from me, too.

—

Q: Trump/Loomer Oh, these guys have "type," alright. My wife used to work for an attorney that handled ONE of Larry King's divorces. As they brought in his ex-wives to be interviewed, it was extremely hard to keep tell them apart. Especially as the one that came to testify FOR King changed their minds. Sound familiar with Trump not recognizing whether it was his own ex-wife in photo?

Tom Logan - Sterling, VA

A: You know who also had a shenanegans “type”? Clinton.

Q: As a corollary — is that the appropriate word? — to your Trump-Loomer “item” poll question, if that proves to be true before Election Day, would Melania or Ivanka endorse Kamala Harris? (My wife thinks Melania would suffer large financial consequences if she did.)

A: No.  They learned long ago that keeping one’s mouth shut leads to rewards. Like Mafia wives. It is hard wired now. 

—

Q: The leadership of the Teamsters decided to ignore the majority opinion of their rank and file and endorse no one for president. Any thoughts?

A: I am not sure. It is interesting. The HEAD of the Teamsters appeared to endorse Trump at the convention. The rank and file, I think, favored Harris (though there is a new story out saying this is not true.). The New York Times read this no-endorsement as a win for Trump, but I don’t see why. It reads like the New York Times has been reading of late, IMO. Worrisomely normalizing the guy. Let’s wait for the news to spill out.

We’re done here for the day. PLEASE keep sending in questions and observations. I need em. And they will get major league attention on Tuesday. Comments are also still welcome, of course.

Meanwhile, see you in The Weekend GP.