The Invitational Week 72: All You Need Is Ink
Take a line from a Beatles song and rhyme it with your own. Plus winning 'grandfoals.'
Hello. You know how grandkids tend to be innocent and adorable? Well, today we present the winning “grandfoals” wordplay from Invitational Week 70, but for some reason they turn out trading heavily in fornication, scatology, self-pleasuring, prostitution, and crime.
But before we ooze into that, the new contest:
When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I never thought I’d spend so much on Rogaine and Bengay.
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Oh, please, say to me, you’ll let me be your man
You’ll see I put the seat down, when I use the can.
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Bright are the stars that shine, dark is the sky,
Do not view that eclipse with naked eye.
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This week’s Invitational challenge is the second “tailgating” contest of the New Era. The first involved Bob Dylan. For Week 72: Choose a line from a song written by one or more of the Beatles and released by the Beatles (not on solo or later albums). Then pair it with your own rhyming line, as in the examples above by Duncan Stevens, who suggested this contest. We’d like you to use this convenient list of Beatles lyrics at Beatles.com, alphabetized by song. Note: This collection includes lyrics to some of the songs the Fab Four recorded but didn’t write, like “Twist and Shout” and “Till There Was You,” so make sure to check for the composer credit on the song’s page.
Also: Even if the Beatles didn’t rhyme the line you chose, you must. Your couplet doesn’t have to be singable to the original tune, though.
Speaking of the Dylan and Beatles, did you know that Bob turned the Beatles on to pot on August 28, 1964, The Day the Music Got Fried? And it led, pretty directly, to “Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds” and John and Yoko blissed out and naked on an album cover.
Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-72. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form. Formatting: Please write each couplet as a single line divided with a slash, rather than on two separate lines; we’ll restore them to proper couplet-hood on this end.
Deadline is Saturday, May 25, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, May 30.
The winner gets this weirdly political birthday card, dating from c. 2005 and issued by Carlton Cards, evidently a bolder division of American Greetings. Donated by Kathy Sheeran.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.
Meanwhile, send us questions or suggestions, which we hope to deal with in real time today. You do this, as always, by sending them to this here button:
Wry Bred: The ‘grandfoals’ of Week 70
A month ago, as is our yearly tradition, we gave you the names of 100 horses being considered for this year’s Kentucky Derby, and challenged you to “breed” any two names to come up with a “foal” name that humorously reflected the names of both parents. Two weeks later, as is our yearly tradition, we challenged you to take any of the 100 winning foal names and breed them to create grandfoal names.
You entered a lot, more than a dozen hundred entries (journalists are required by law to describe quantities by the dozen — and also distances by football fields). And you nailed this one, again. Again, the Empress and Czar bloodied their knuckles, the floor, the walls, the ceiling with the savagery of cuts to unquestionably worthy offerings, to get down to a manageable 80 or so inking entries that we present below.
The best entry that failed to get individual credit because too many people thought of it: Shiva Me Timbers x Hardonnay = Mourning Wood
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Third runner-up: Breed Willy Wanka with BBQAnon and name the foal Stroke of 4Chan (Andrew Rosenberg, Brooklyn, N.Y.)
Second runner-up: Shiva Me Timbers x De Beers = Davy Jones’ Lager (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)
First runner-up: Tryst Fund x Be Ess = “Legal Expenses” (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.)
And the winner of the cat butt magnets:
Peter Rose x Famous Anus = You Bet Your Ass (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.)
Today’s Gene Pool Gene Poll:
As always, if you think the best entry is not one of those four, but one of the Honorable Mentions (below), tell us in the Comments.
Out of the Punning: Honorable mentions
Grrrder x Counterfatter = Grrrdle (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)
This Just In x = Is It In Yet? (Steve Honley, Washington, D.C.)
Suks x Nosh = Bites (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)
Ghosted x Leak House = I Pee Dead People (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)
Godiva x Go Away! = Diva (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)
Hell MNOP x Suks = Hell MNOPause (Brian Cohen, Winston-Salem, N.C.)
David Copper x Styx With It = Cu in Hell (Chris Doyle)
Hell MNOP x Ghosted = QRST KilledTheCat (Jesse Frankovich)
Peter Rose x All-Day Sucker = Petey Barnum (Neil Kurland)
Willy Wanka x All-Day Sucker = Onan Onan On (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)
De Beers x TheWrightBrothels = HouseOfAleRepute (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)
De Beers x Famous Anus = Heinieken (Steve Price, New York)
Drunk and Orderly x At the Buzzard = KeepCalmAndCarrion (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.; Jonathan Paul)
BBQAnon x By the Toe = Hallux Jones (Chris Doyle)
Be Ess x Reese’s Feces = Be Em (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)
Go Away! x Willy Wanka = Beat It! (Mike Hammer, Arlington, Va; Jonathan Jensen)
Buzz Aldrin x Courtesy Flush = Number Two (Seth Christenfeld, Briarcliff Manor, N.Y.; Jonathan Jensen; Mike Hammer)
TheWrightBrothels x = WhoresWithNoName (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.; Jesse Frankovich)
Châteauneuf DuPeep x By the Toe = Chateau LaFeet (Diana Oertel, San Francisco)
ConceivedInLiberty x Have a Nice Nay = Conceived in Texas (Mark Raffman)
Peter Rose x = Bettor Left Unsaid (Laurie Brink, Mineola, N.Y.)
De Beers x Famous Anus = Anheuser Tush (Steve Price)
Six-Pack Abes x Pooperstown = Lincoln Logs (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.; Mike Hammer)
Six-Pack Abes x De Beers = Lincoln Lagers (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)
Willy Wanka x Famous Anus = Tugger Carlson (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)
Xana-don’t x Hardonnay = Kubla Kan’t (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)
I Know My Wrights! x Toot Sweet = Frank Cloyed (Jesse Frankovich)
This Just In x Your Entry Stank = Dreck Deposit (Jesse Frankovich)
All-Day Sucker x Reese’s Feces = Lolliplop (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)
Belly Lugosi x Standby Your Man = Tummy Wynette (Steve Price)
Ponce de Freon x Standby Your Man = Clammy Wynette (Bill Dorner, Wolcott, Conn.)
Belly Lugosi x Suks = AbHorrorsAVacuum (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.)
Get the Plunger x By the Toe = Clogs (Larry Rifkin, Glastonbury, Conn.)
Famous Anus x Hops = Keister Bunny (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.)
Gotta Halve It x Gore = WTF, Solomon? (Stephen Dudzik)
Hath No Fury x Styx With It = Calm Sail Away (Andrew Rosenberg)
Xana-don’t x Hath No Fury = Xana-x (Jonathan Hardis, Gaithersburg, Md.)
Hops x Pooperstown = Also Trots & Runs (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)
Magnum, PIN x Your Entry Stank = Magnum O’Pus (Pam Sweeney)
OneScytheFitsAll x Möbius Trip = OneSideFitsAll (Pamela Love, Columbia, Md.)
Leak House x Chevy Impaler = Urinal AutoTrouble (Frank Osen)
Razor Thin Mints x Reese’s Feces = Skip THAT House! (Perry Beider, Silver Spring, Md.)
He Who Smelted It x Nosh = Ore d’Oeuvres (Jonathan Paul)
Vladimir Tootin x De Beers = Bock in the USSR (Chris Doyle)
All-Day Sucker x ’Tis My Hero = All-Day Succor (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)
’Tis My Hero x Frottage Industry = Tease My Hero (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio)
BBQAnon x = Nothingburger (Jonathan Paul)
x Gotta Halve It = Still (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.)
Africadabra x Dorbell = Kenya Get That? (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.; Jesse Frankovich; Frank Osen)
All-Day Sucker x One Rude Scent = Lolly Gagger (Bill Dorner; Mike Hammer)
Junior High x At the Buzzard = Picking on Me (Judy Freed)
Frottage Industry x BBQAnon = Dry Rub (Tom Witte)
Willy Wanka x BBQAnon = Pulled Pork (Pam Sweeney)
Belly Lugosi x Counterfatter = Draculard (Larry Rifkin)
Blob the Builder x Dorbell = Ooze There? (Eric Nelkin)
Buzz Aldrin x Standby Your Man = OneSmallStepfordMa (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.)
By the Toe x Leak House = Wee Wee Wee (Mark Raffman)
By the Toe x Ponce de Freon = A Kick in de Ponce (Diana Oertel)
Shiva Me Timbers x By the Toe = Pall Bunion (Jeff Shirley; Judy Freed)
ConceivedInLiberty x Counterfatter = Live Free or Diet (Chris Doyle)
ConceivedInLiberty x Knead It = Born and Bread (Neal Starkman, Seattle)
ConceivedInLiberty x Working Mime to 5 = Dolly Partum (Mary McNamara, Washington, D.C.)
De Beers x Godiva = DiamondInTheBuff (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)
I Want S’more x Drunk and Orderly = S’nore (Sarah Walsh)
Neat-O x Famous Anus = Tidy Bowel (Frank Osen)
Famous Anus x Pounce de Leon = A-hole New World (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.)
Famous Anus x Your Entry Stank = Your Exit’s Worse (Brian Cohen)
Ghosted x Razor Thin Mints = GhoulScoutCookies (Rob Wolf, Gaithersburg, Md.)
Gore x One Rude Scent = Inconvenient Toot (Eric Nelkin)
Go Away! x Gotta Halve It = Cleave Me Alone! (Karen Lambert)
Junior High x One Rude Scent = PUberty (Eric Nelkin)
Ponce de Freon x Neat-O = Cool! (Tom Witte)
One Rude Scent x So Nada = Calvin DeKlein (Mia Wyatt, Ellicott City, Md.)
Flush Gordon x Get the Plunger = Got Gordon Back (Marni Penning Coleman, Falls Church, Va.)
Pitching Woo x Willy Wanka = Romancing the Bone (Jeff Hazle)
And Last: Peter Rose x Your Entry Stank = Peter Fell (Jeff Rackow)
The headline “Wry Bred” was submitted by both Brian Cohen and Jesse Frankovich; Kevin Dopart wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.
Still running — deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, May 18: our Week 71 contest to write multiple-choice questions in the style of the ones on NPR’s “Wait Wait … Don’t Tell Me,” with host Peter Sagal weighing in with his favorites. Click on the link below.
Now we enter the real-time portion of the Gene Pool, where Gene will take your questions and observations, and respond to them. Send your stuff to this awesome creamsicle colored button:
Today’s questions, so far, are a grab bag, responding to recent questions about ironic comeuppances you have received, and taut jokes that approach the perfect, platonic ideal of humor, and observations on the stankiness of the Miami Marlins and whether we should root for them to nosedive, so we can witness history. If you are reading this in real time, please remember to refresh the page to get new stuff.
Q: Regarding comeuppances one receives:
In the early-ish days of the internet, I got into a pointlessly heated argument on the site Usenet, regarding the physics by which a bicycle is stabilized and controlled. I spoke up for the common wisdom shared by high school physics teachers, including mine, that it's conservation of angular momentum and the gyroscope effect that stabilizes a bicycle. I was called a buffoon for my troubles. I should note that I had a PhD in physics at the time (still do!) and the person calling me a buffoon was a mere mechanical engineer... with 40-50 years of professional work experience and he had written a book called The Bicycle Wheel and was pretty much the world expert on exactly how bicycles work. That weekend, I modified a bicycle so that the handlebars could not turn, so that the bicycle could be stabilized only by gyroscopic effects and not rider actions. It was completely unrideable. Being a diligent scientist, I returned to Usenet on Monday (this was before home computers and laptops were really common) and admitted I had been wrong, for which I received grudging praise for my dedication to the scientific method. — Tim Livengood
A: Splendid. But how does one explain that annoying exhibitionist smug showoff tendency of some bicyclers to ride, sometimes for blocks, with their hands at their sides, not on the handlebars? Wouldn’t their stability be largely, if not entirely, powered by gyro and angular momentum — the physics correcting position automatically? Answer me that, science boy.
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I decided to file this intro, for the first time without including a button for you to upgrade your free subscriptions to paid status. This button is heavily recommended by the Substack subalterns. I finally balked because the role I least enjoy is being a huckster/beggar/almsman/pain-in-the-ass supplicant. It feels undignified. I thought that just this once I would disobey. But no sooner did I hit the “SEND” button than Substack froze my screen to ask if I was SURE I wanted to take this perilous, momentous step. I could read the tone of voice: It was schoolmarmish, as if whatever communication software I was using disapproved of a vulgarity they saw I was about to employ.
Yes, I responded boldly and bravely … I. Am. Sure.
So that’s why there is no “Send me money” button. You may interpret this as you wish, and act accordingly.
On to real Real Time.
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TIMELY TIP: If you’re reading this on an email: JUST CLICK ON THE HEADLINE IN THE EMAIL AND IT WILL DELIVER YOU TO THE FULL COLUMN ONLINE. Keep refreshing the screen to see the new questions and answers that appear as I regularly update the post.
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Q: Perfect joke: Vegan cheese is a testament to the fortitude of today's dairy farmer. In cheesemaking there is no task more fraught with danger than that of milking a vegan.
A: I wouldn’t call this genius, but it conjures up funny images, which is not that easy to do. B-plus.
Q: What’s the oldest make of car? Triumph, for the Bible tells us that Moses came down the mountain in his Triumph.
Classic jiu-jitsu!
A: It is classic jiu-jitsu, indeed. But also a fraud. It gets a D. I could find no biblical quote like that. If you supply one I will up your grade to a B. The only Triumph I could find related to Mo coming back from the mountaintop was his declaration that it was a Triumph for God. God owns the car.
Any Bible experts want to correct me?
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Q: How bad are the Marlins? They are thinking of changing their name to “The Miami Sushi.”
A: Excellent. See next post.
Q: Management is considering changing the name to “The Miami Blowfish.”
A: Also excellent.
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Q: Back in the 90s, before he was so well-known, I was trying to show off for my son's grade school friend who was a gifted cellist, by referring to YoYo Ma as "she." The little boy was very gracious in correcting me. Betsy Beyler
A: Yeah, I once got corrected by a goat. I was at a friend’s house. She had two goats. She told me that goats had a sense of humor. I said I didn’t know any goats, but in my experience, while goats might be funny, it was from the silly things they do, but not a conscious effort to entertain. At which point the goat looked at me – I swear, looked at me – and then butted the six-year-old girl of the house in the ass, and knocked her down.
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Q: The color of that button is not “creamsicle.” It is orange. Creamsicle is a lighter tone, reflecting the “cream” part.
A: Wrong. Creamsicle has an official range, including dead solid orange.
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Q: For anyone, like me, who grew up in the Chicago area in the 1950s-1970s, finding ways to celebrate the accomplishments of dismal teams was an art form. Example: as a Northwestern student in the late 1970s, I saw some of the worst college football games ever played. But the students always embraced the football team's inferiority, culminating in this:
"The first instance of Laking the Goalposts came during the nadir of the football team's Dark Ages, when Northwestern broke the NCAA record losing streak. The record up to that time, held jointly by Kansas State and Virginia, was 28 straight losses. NU had won a game in 1979 against Wyoming-- its first win since 1977-- and then proceeded to lose the rest of its games in '79, all of its games in 1980, and its first few games in 1981 to reach the apocalyptic 28-straight mark.
NU's next game was at Dyche Stadium against Michigan State on November 7. The school handed out buttons to students that exclaimed, "Stop State at 28!" and national media descended on NU to cover what would undoubtedly be a record-breaking game. As expected, the 'Cats did lose, 61-14. As the final seconds lapsed, students flooded the TartanTurf, chanting, "We are the worst!" Some raised a finger to signify that the team had become "#1." After a moment of milling about, the students focused on the goalposts.
Northwestern had torn down goalposts before, but this time was obviously different. In the past, 'Cat fans had torn down the posts after titanic victories-- even the Rose Bowl posts in 1949 weren't safe-- but never after a loss. Also, once the posts were down, that had always marked the end of the celebration. This time, frustrated students and fans decided to take the south post to NU president Bob Strotz's house in protest.
Strotz had irked fans, the athletic department, and alumni that week when he said, "I think having a bad [athletic program] can help a school's academic reputation."
The students pushed the goalpost over the south stands in Dyche Stadium, and a second group collected it and marched it down Central Street. They continued their "We are the worst!" chant and added, "We really suck!" Arriving at the president's house, the crowd shouted, "Strotz! Strotz!"
Strotz was at home (skipping attending the game in person) and appeared on the front porch. "We're going to beat them next year!" he shouted to the crowd. The group of several hundred fans shouted back, "Bullshit! Bullshit!"
Then, the chant changed.
"Lake it! Lake it!" The group made for North Beach and threw the post into Lake Michigan."
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A: Thanks. The video is good, well worth watching.
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Q: Comeuppance — This was when I was about 12 years old. One evening Fantasy Island (this was the 70s series) had an episode featuring a fantastic insult: "sister of a pig!" I was delighted to file it away for use on my younger sister, tossing it out the next day with dramatic emphasis and glee. She and my mother started laughing, which increased in volume and length because it took me over five minutes to catch on to the meaning of what I said.
A: Yeah. My girlfriend in college – and later my wife – was having some friends over to her dorm and was complaining that the guys in the dorm kept visiting her, largely, she felt to raid her well-stocked snack closet. She used an unfortunate construction, with which, in 1969, she was apparently unfamiliar: “They keep coming here to eat me out.”
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Q: My mother's favorite joke. Mrs Wang is new to the US. One Day, Mrs Wang goes to the doctor and he hands her a little bottle and says he needs a stool sample. Too embarrassed to admit she doesn't know what that is, she heads home and asks her husband if he knows what a stool sample is. He tells her he has no idea but suggests she go to Mrs Petrov, the neighbor who often helps them figure things out. Mrs Wang heads to Mrs Patrov's house and when she comes back a while later, Mrs Wang is covered in bruises and scrapes. Her husband asks "What happened to you? I thought you were headed to see Mrs Petrov." She says "I have no idea. I asked Mrs Petrov, 'what is a stool sample?'" and she said "Shit in the bottle." I said "Well, piss in the lake!" and that's when the fight started.
A: B minus.
Q: This “perfect joke” is well-known and has been appropriated by so many speakers, it’s hard to tell who said it first, probably hockey coach Tom McVie, or possibly football coach Lou Holtz. But it’s a prime example of the “jiu-jitsu” joke:
Asked how he felt after losing the big game, he replied, “ I slept like a baby. I woke up every two hours and cried.” – Connie Akers
A: I strongly suspect that whoever first said it publicly was not any of the people you cite, but someone decades before. It is very good, but some low-hanging fruit. I’d go with someone in the Mark Twain / Ambrose Bierce era. Or before.
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Q: Why do some people get identified by name in their posts, and some don’t?
A: Good question. Because some people either CHOSE not to be identified, or – possibly like you – didn’t read the directions carefully in the Ask Form. If you want to be identified, put your name at the END of your question / observation, like a signature.. If you do not want to be identified – but want me to know who you are – put your name only at at the beginning of your question.
Some people who only put it at the beginning may want to be ID’d, but I can’t know that and don’t want to make a mistake. Anonymity is a choice I respect.
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Q: These jokes require a bit of previous knowledge, but to me, it only makes them better:
“I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.” – Oscar Levant
Stormy Daniels, just last month, when a Trump supporter posted online “She would sell anything”: “Not true. I wouldn’t sell bibles.” — Connie Akers
A: Both are great.
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Q: I call BS on your answer of saying that we should root for the worst team to keep losing, to make history. Who were you rooting for in game seven of the 2004 ALCS? Pet sure it was the Yanks, same as I. Because that is a much bigger historical record and I wanted no part of it. It comes up almost every year as opposed to what team has lost the most games in the season.
A: I was rooting for the Yankees, but the situations are not parallel. While it was true that no team had ever won four straight after losing the first three, it is also true that no team had ever won three games and then lost four in a row. BOTH teams were on the brink of making history.
(Mic Drop.)
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Q: At the end of the George Takai joke answer in Monday’s column, you said “You have no choice but to laugh at everything. Unless you are Will Smith.” To which Will Smith are you referring?
A: The Will Smith who slapped Chris Rock onstage because he didn’t like Rock’s joke about his wife’s lack of hair. Which Will Smith were you thinking of?
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This is Gene. A couple of weeks ago, I polled you all on whether I should institute a new feature, and had you vote it up or down. You voted it up, but only kinda narrowly. So let’s see how this goes.
I made up ONE Question, and answered it in this chat so far. Which was it?
Your choices are A, Who were you rooting for in Game 4 of the ALCS?
Or B, Why do some people get identified in their posts and others don’t?
Or C, Sleeping like a baby – waking up and crying.
Or, D: Creamsicle button is actually orange.
I will give you the answer in a little bit, below.
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Q: Here’s a perfect joke: Two Irishmen walk out of a pub.
A: Yes. Because I had to think about it for a few seconds. Very good.
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Q: Sorry, I could not find a non-Twitter source
A: Spectacular, and obviously not staged.
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Q: Where do crooked rainbows go?
To Prism.
(It's a light sentence.)
A: Okay, a Dad joke, but but made tellable by the last line.
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Q: Clevelander here.When the Browns went 0-16 the fans threw them a parade.
A: Very classy. And just think – there is now a bigger depth to plumb. We play 17 games.
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Okay, this is Gene, and I am calling us down for the day. I am about to tell you the question I made up, so if you haven’t voted and want to, go back up to the poll
Okay?
Okay?
The question I made up and answered was D, about the Creamsicle. I suspected you would think it was A.
See you on The Weekend Gene Pool, with a question for which I was inspired by one of your questions today, which I have withheld.
PLEASE KEEP SENDING IN QUESTIONS. I NEED THEM. I RELY ON THEM, and on you.
And, as an experiment, I am still not asking you to upgrade your subscription.
My personal favorite:
This Just In x = Is It In Yet? (Steve Honley, Washington, D.C.)
For me, Godiva still scores: Godiva x Go Away! = Diva (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)