The Invitational Week 71: Wait Wait Right Here!

Write some 'Not My Job' questions à la the NPR quiz show — and host Peter Sagal will help us judge. Plus winning replacements for tired cliches.

Hello. As you may know, Peter Sagal, host of of NPR’s “Wait, Wait … Don’t Tell Me,” the weekly program that’s a cross between a current-events quiz show and the Algonquin Round Table, is a longtime friend of The Gene Pool. He has agreed to help judge this week’s contest, which is, not coincidentally, about “Wait, Wait … Don’t Tell Me,” specifically one of the show’s most popular recurring comic quizzes.

That segment is called “Not My Job,” in which a celebrity is asked multiple-choice questions about something comically different from the celeb’s own field, as when actor Renée Elise Goldsberry was quizzed about buried gold. Each week, the questions sound something like these:

Some schools do their utmost to protect their students — as when, in 2010, an English headmistress did what?
A. She discouraged abductors by issuing every child a stun gun.
B. She changed the school uniform to a padded “marshmallow suit” to cushion the kids against bumps and bruises.
C. She ordered black bars placed over the children’s eyes in yearbook pictures, thus ruining the photos for child pornographers.
Correct answer: C (The Daily Mail) 

What went wrong when an Iowa farmer recently ran unopposed for the local school board?
A. He resigned immediately after being elected, explaining that he hadn’t realized the job would involve going to meetings.
B. No one voted in the election — even he didn’t.
C. He lost as a result of a campaign by neighborhood kids who encouraged voters to write in SpongeBob SquarePants instead.
Correct Answer: B (Des Moines Register)

For Invitational Week 71: Compose a multiple-choice question about a Ridiculous but True fact or event — recent or historical — along with two entertaining wrong answers as well as the right one, as in the examples above, which were from the one time we did this contest before, in 2016. (They’re by Lawrence McGuire and Duncan Stevens, respectively.) We’re not in a position to fact-check your Real Thing, so you’ll need to show us a credible source for your RBT fact (e.g., a link to Wikipedia or a news story). And you will, of course, tell us the correct answer.

You can hear and read lots of other “Wait Wait” quizzes by clicking on the show’s podcast link here. And see the results of our previous WWDTM contest — they’re classic.

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-71. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form.  (Don’t worry about our usual format of one entry per line; format each entry more or less as in the example above, and don’t forget to note the source of your information.)

Deadline is Saturday, May 18, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, May 23.

The winner gets a piece of NPR swag, autographed by Peter Sagal! We can’t show it to you now because Peter is maniacally combing through his office clutter to find Just The Right Crap.

Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Meanwhile, send us questions or suggestions, which we hope to deal with in real time today. You do this, as always, by sending them to this here button:

Stop the Stale! New expressions from Week 69

In Invitational Week 69 we asked you to replace your choice of overused, tired phrases with fresher, more current and/or entertaining ones.

Third runner-up:
Old: The writing’s on the wall.
New: The ketchup’s on the wall. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Second runner-up:
As useful as tits on a bull > As useful as a cup holder on a roller coaster (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

First runner-up:
Threw him under the bus > Took him to the gravel pit and shot him in the face.  (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md; Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)   

And the winner of the green plushie neuron:
Pain in the ass  > Two-factor authentication. “Madison, stop whining! You’re being a real two-factor authentication today.”  (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

As always, if you think the best entry is not one of those four, but one of the Honorable Mentions (below), tell us in the Comments.

Trite, Trite Again: Honorable mentions

Catch a break > Wordle in 2: “The boss never realized you were AWOL? Really Wordled in 2 there.”  (Duncan Stevens)

15 minutes of fame > 60 seconds of influence (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

The bottom line is … > The sum total of the fuckery is … (Sam Mertens)

All hat and no cattle > All flag and no Constitution (Leif Picoult)

He has one foot in the grave > He might as well boo Putin in the Duma (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Arranging the deck chairs on the Titanic > Replacing the House Speaker (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

The devil is in the details > The devil is in Page 2 of the Google results (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)

More bang for the buck > More whoopee for the rupee (Duncan Stevens)

The straight and narrow > The hetero and cis (Kevin Dopart)

He’s getting nowhere > He’s talking on Mute (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio)

The elephant in the room > the farter in the courtroom (Chris Doyle)

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer > Not even the sharpest spoon in the drawer (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.)

He thinks he’s God’s gift to women > He thinks he’s a “star” (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

Like a bat out of Hell > Like a bat out of Wuhan (Kevin Dopart)

She let the cat out of the bag > Her cat felt like leaving the bag, I guess (Michael Stein)

A riddle wrapped in an enigma > A riddle wrapped in clamshell packaging (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

It goes without saying that … > It’s obvious as a bloody stool that … (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

I would bet the farm > I’d max out my FanDuel account (Lee Graham)

Low-hanging fruit > a Monday crossword. “You’re selling your kid’s Girl Scout cookies outside the cannabis dispensary? That is so Monday-crossword.” (Chris Doyle)

Kill two birds with one stone > Eradicate two ecosystems with one executive order (Kevin Dopart)

It is what it is > It’s the paradigmatic tautology (David Franks, Washington County, Ark.)

At the end of the day > At the end of days — Speaker Mike Johnson (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

Like a bat out of hell > Like a gull to a french fry (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.)

Run around like a chicken with its head cut off > Play for the Wizards (Leif Picoult) 

We’re in the same boat > We’re under the same bus (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Went over like a lead balloon > Went over like a porcupine petting zoo (Jonathan Jensen)

The shit hit the fan > The Mentos fell in the Coke (Sam Mertens)

Bark up the wrong tree > Blame it on George Soros (Chris Doyle)

Talk turkey > Talk Türkiye (Kevin Dopart)  

The chickens have come home to roost > The bird flu carriers are here (Sam Mertens)

Up the creek without a paddle > On the can with just one square (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Watching paint dry > Watching your iOS update (Kevin Dopart)

Costs an arm and a leg > Costs more than Bezos makes in a whole minute (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)  

The headline “Stop the Stale!” is by Tom Witte; both Kevin Dopart and Beverley Sharp submitted the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running — deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, May 11: our Week 70 “grandfoal” wordplay contest to “breed” the winning foal names of Week 68. Click on the link below.

The Invitational Week 70: Colt Fusion

Now we enter the real-time portion of the Gene Pool, where Gene will take your questions and observations, and respond to them.

If you are reading this in real time, please remember to keep refreshing the screen to see new stuff. So far, today’s Q&Os are mostly about Hypocrisy, Reincarnation, and the funny or not funny video of Allison Pencey The Cancer Kid. We’re diving in now.

—

Q: Please do not use my name.  On the subject of hypocrisy, my father was a stern, sermonizing, unforgiving enforcer of rules of ethics and morals in my house.  Then, when I was about 9, I realized he was pretty consistently cheating at Monopoly.  He always was the bank, and he was basically embezzling.  I never called him on it, but was more bothered by this than I had been by the MLK and Bobby Kennedy assassinations.  

A:  Wow.  Cheating against your kid.  That’s worse than cheating at Solitaire.  That might be worse than cheating at marriage.

FWIW, I never cheated against my kids at game playing – I sort of did the opposite.   I never deliberately let them win, even when they were very young.  I wanted them to know, when they finally DID win, that it was real, and they could bask in the glow, and rise honestly from the agony of defeat to the thrill of defeating Dad. And of course it happened with both kids, and it was glorious each time.

—

Q:  On Tuesday you wrote: "Agreed.  Alas, I find no such acronym online. Let’s start googleyupping it, people."

Am I the only one who still thinks that an acronym is something that can be pronounced as a word? Otherwise it's an initialism, or an abbreviation (since the former word is not that well known). 

A: Good Lord, you are right!  I was answering a reader who agreed that TL;DR was an asininity, but suggested, instead, TL;GU – Too long; gave up. 

But you are right.  Neither of those are acronyms, they are abbrvs.   I know that because I checked OMG, and that is also defined as an abbrv, not an acronym.  Good on you.   Though I might feebly argue that OMG is pronounceable. 

Then you will ask, if it’s a so clearly pronounceable, what other word does it rhyme with, and I will will smugly say “zOMG” and walk away very pleased with myself.

—

TIMELY TIP: If you’re reading this on an email: JUST CLICK ON THE HEADLINE IN THE EMAIL AND IT WILL DELIVER YOU TO THE FULL COLUMN ONLINE. If you are reading the Gene Pool in real time, keep refreshing the screen to see the new questions and answers that appear as I regularly update the post.

And finally, if you wisely decide to upgrade your subscription to “paid,” and thus I officially become your employee, I promise to never EVER request or accept paternity leave.

—

Q: You correctly mentioned that a fraction of something doesn’t have to be a much smaller amount.  Well, a fraction can also be more, 5/3 of a pizza is more than I can eat.

A: Good point. I am 477/3rds of being convinced that Trump is feces on a baguette.

–

Q: I did not read the articles on reincarnation (unbeliever I), but I read the entirety of the Gene Pool and have a theory that I just made up and now believe to be true. I'm a white man in my 60s, that's what we do. Those who remember past lives in such a way that it seems true to them, do remember past lives. But it is not a soul, it is some strand of DNA that we don't understand yet that gets accessed. A very small number of children have this synapsis activated for some reason, but it is deactivated as they age. A very, very small number of adults have some weird access to these DNA stored memories and our brains try to make sense of these images/memories and come up with the concept of a remembered past life that is some combination of DNA mixed with dream imagery mixed with old movies. Some day science may discover this DNA linkage and the woo-woo reasoning of reincarnation will start to wither even more. – Ward Kay 

A: Interesting.  Being DNA-related might explain why certain communities in certain parts of the world – the Druze, in Lebanon, for example – seem to believe it more widely, and more fervently.  Common genes.

But, naah.  It’s hogwash.

—

This is Gene.  I recently re-discovered this old Irish poem that my Aunt Ethel used to love to recite from memory.  I thought everyone knew it, but found out almost no one did.  So, from my deceased Aunt Ethel to all of you:  

It was a year ago, September
a day I well remember
I was walking up and down
in drunken pride
when my knees began to flutter
and I fell down in the gutter
and a pig came by and lay down by my side.

As I lay there in the gutter
thinking thoughts I could not utter
I thought I heard a passing lady say,
"You can tell a man who boozes
by the company he chooses..."
And the pig got up and slowly walked away.

–

Q: Speaking of hypocrisy: This morning I saw a idiotic car ad that finished with at least a half-dozen lines of fine print disclaimers, none of which was even remotely legible, despite the fact that I was standing three feet from the screen, and we recently invested in a reasonably large (55”) HD TV. Why bother placing such crap on the screen when it is crystal clear that nobody will ever have the time to read it all, even if it were presented in a type font that made this possible? Why do the regulatory agencies even permit this hypocrisy to continue?

A: I think if you froze the frame and enlarged it, you’d know why.   It’s like the pharmaceutical commercials that fast-walk you through the lingo that says this thing can cause fecal incontinence, firehose diarrhea, projectile vomiting, and suicide. 

—

Q: Total hypocrisy: Airlines telling us not to use cellular phones while flying "because it could interfere with the navigational [etc.] systems"--until they figured out how to make us pay for using cell phones on board, when all thought about interference went out the window, so to speak.

A: Indeed. 

—

Q: I’m thinking of a reimagining of Dickens’ Christmas Carol, with Trump instead of Scrooge. Instead of the ghost of Jacob Marley, it’s Roy Cohn. Then the three spirits visit Trump to show him how shitty he’s been, is being, and will be. At the end, Trump has learned nothing and throws Tim Cratchit down a well. 

A:  Spot on. 

As I recall, Trump altered his father’s will to disinherit the son of Fred Trump, Jr., Trump’s brother from whom he was estranged.  The boy had cerebral palsy and needed lifetime care. I think it was settled out of court.

Q: What is the difference between a conspirator and a co-conspirator? – Stuart R.

A: I was going to say they were different, depending on whether another conspirator has been named.  But I see your point and agree with it.  If you are charged as a conspirator, that means there was, by definition, at least one other person with whom you conspired, whether or not that person is known or has been charged.  Of course, the prosecution has to prove that. 

—

Q: That quote from the [London] Times -- “A longboat full of Vikings, promoting the new British Museum exhibition, was seen sailing past the Palace of Westminster yesterday … .  Famously uncivilised, destructive and rapacious, with an almost insatiable appetite for rough sex and heavy drinking, the MPs nonetheless looked up for a bit to admire the vessel” -- doesn't the grammar of the second sentence say that it was the MP's were uncivilized, rapacious, etc?  --Rick  

A:  Uh, dude.  Yes.  That is why it was deliberately funny.

–

–

Q:  You are wrong.  It’s not generally called a “car cigarette lighter.”  It is called a “car power outlet.”  Read any manual. 

A: I specified “online.”
“Car power outlet” = 275,000 google hits.
“Car cigarette lighter” = 2,480,000 google hits.

—

Q: On hypocrisy: I was thinking of court cases involving Chick-fil-A and Hobby Lobby, as well as allowing pharmacists to not fill family planning prescriptions for religious reasons. What if postal carriers were allowed to not deliver mail that they objected to because of their religious beliefs?

A: Interesting extension.  But it’s not completely parallel, not even sorta parallel, because with Chick, the potential client has other competing places they can go to meet their needs, and with Hobby, their employees denied contraception can find another, better place to work.  Which is why, on some level, I sorta understand protecting the rights of those disgusting companies to choose their clientele, while knowing publicity over it may well cause boycotts of their company.  I was curious what the ACLU thinks of this, and just checked, and they seem to disagree with me, arguing that the dignity of the complainants is what is harmed.  So I dunno but though I was outraged by the shittiness of the companies (also the wedding cake makers)  I was never quite as sure that it wasn’t their right to be shitty. . 

Q: The other day you answered a question about whether you ever make up questions, and then revealed you had made up that question.   So I’ll ask you seriously:  Do you ever make up questions and then answer them, because you want to take a certain position on something or other?

A: No. 

If I have the time under pressure, I will edit and/or copyedit questions or observations, particularly those that are too long-winded or veer into irrelevancies.   I will sometimes combine two anonymous entries turning similar points into one — and that will have some of my writing in it to yoke them together.   I will very occasionally use a question or observation that came in through a different route: On the phone, say, or in an email, or even in person.   That’s it.  If I started making stuff up, you wouldn’t know what was real, and you’d become disillusioned and embittered, and take to drink, and kick the dog.  I love dogs too much to let that happen.

—

Wait, wait! I just had an idea! (This is Gene.). What if I introduce a new feature in the Gene Pool? Every week I will make up a Question — just one — and answer it. And then, at the end of each segment, I will do an instapoll and ask you which one I made up. There will be five choices. Is this a good idea or a bad idea?

Q: Aunt Ethel's Irish Poem: Yes, I remember that. She used to quote it with great glee. Do you have a name for the author? Don

A: It’s generally given as traditional. The recorded version is this one.

—

Wait, wait. This is Gene again. It turns out Jim Croce has a version, too. Not surprisingly, it is excellent. He calls it Pig’s Song.

—

Q: Doesn’t the Onion video about the cancer kid end on a bad note?  Killing her kinda sours the joke, doesn't it?  Still funny though.

-Marc from the Military

A: Marc, I believe they had no choice.  They were leaping headfirst into the tasteless zone, and you dasn’t do that timidly or half-heartedly.  No other end would have been appropriate.  To be plain, I feel it was wildly offensive and one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen.  I respect it.  Even later, they doubled down.  

–

Q: The Onion clip...having grown in South Jersey as a huge Phillies fan, I found it hilarious. I'm betting  that her parents were at the Eagles game that booed Santa Claus. Or possibly the game where they  beat up the guy that dressed up as an Indian at every Redskins game. I found that clip to be the funniest thing from the Onion since this one.

Tom Logan - Sterling, VA

A: I am reading this at midnight yesterday.  It made me spill my beer.  I hadn’t remembered it. 

—

Q: I read the WaPo article about past lives! I found it to be well-written - as is everything by Caitlin Gibson- and fascinating. However: I am a trained data scientist, so I’m numbers-driven, and a skeptic (with plenty of compassion and open-mindedness, still!). I found the parents in this story believable and compelling. 

One thing that strikes me as odd, though: the preponderance of war past-life stories, WWII specifically. You know where else we see a lot of WWII coverage? Everywhere. Television, museums, etc. It seems VERY likely that toddlers would absorb some of this content and regurgitate it in a creative form. The one lie that I think these parents are telling themselves is that there is “no way” their kid knows about WWII, the holocaust, etc - with respect to these parents, they don’t really know every single thing that their kid is absorbing and seeing in their little lives.

Also: probabilistically, if a kid says something like “I used to live in Wisconsin and I had a blue car and two children” it will just not be that hard to go find an instance of a person like this. I remain compassionately fascinated by this, but skeptical. (See also the WaPo comment from a parent whose kid claimed to have died in a plague, then they later realized the history channel had been on TV one night with a plague story while the kid was in their room).

A:  Yeah.  I think very little of this is dishonest.  I think it is hope peeking past logic.  I think people SO want to believe in something more than the incredible gift we get from our hundred years on the planet.  

—

Q: One of my favorite jokes is brought to mind by the comment about Christ:  The answer to the question of why crucifixion was chosen was rather than stoning, which was more prevalent at the time (citing “Life of Brian”) — so Christian’s could (make the sign of the cross) rather than (make your fists hit your forehead in rapid succession). 

–

A:  Bill Hicks once compared wearing the cross in honor of Jesus to wearing a rifle pendant in honor of JFK.

—

Q: Re the hypocrisy of  sports betting apps/commercials: And especially Major League Baseball.  With baseball’s ugly gambling past with the Black Sox scandal and Pete Rose’s ban, the fact that MLB is allowing the commercials all over stadiums and broadcasts is just greed. A craven decision right up there with allowing the Houston Astros to keep their 2017 title.

A:  I am absolutely loving the utter shambling collapse of the staggeringly inept Astros this year.  Despite your other hatreds, let us all secularly pray for the Yankees to complete a four-game sweep tonight. 

–

Q: You wrote that you were ashamed that you have a secret prejudice against the very significantly overweight.  I think you are hiding something else.  Many months ago – maybe years ago — you confessed to also having a prejudice against people who have too much gum in their smile. 

A:  I am even more ashamed about that, and refuse to further discuss it.

—

Q: Radio ads for California Psychics air almost as often as those for FanDuel. Their tagline "Experience the joy of certainty" is a hypocritical irritant.  I can't count on my doctor, or a weather forecast, or the IRS for certainty, but California Psychics can guarantee it???? 

And for that matter, what assurance have we that these ARE genuine California Psychics?  What does that even mean?  Has someone certified these psychics were born in that state?  Live there currently?  Call from a California area code?

A: I feel about people who pay psychics much the same as I feel about people who play multiple lottery tickets every day.  They both are extremely deluded.  I occasionally engage a lottery player, and ask how their luck has run.  A large percentage  say they pretty much “break even,” so that empowers them to keep trying for the Big One at no cost.  They are all lying, out of shame.  Almost no one who plays steadily, with multiple bets, ever breaks even.

This is Gene. I am calling us down for the day. I would like to leave you with a fabulous short read.   It is by Paul White, today, from his substack “Lost in Left Field,” and it is beautiful.  It’s about baseball, but so much more. There are surprises.

See you on the Weekend.

PLEASE continue to send in questions. I need them, and will give them a ride next week. Send them, as always, here.

Do you want to be my employer? No? Okay, then don’t go here —