The Invitational Week 61: Captions Courageous
Write a description for any of six photos. Plus our winning 'Why Not' questions.
Why is this comic strip here today? Because it represents a new collaboration between The Invitational and the Comics World at Large. This is the first of a series of “dad jokes vs. grandpa jokes” from a recent Invitational contest; Gene instantly grabbed a few to use in his syndicated comic strip, “Barney & Clyde,” on which the grandpa joke challenge had been based. This one was by Jon Gearhart. More to follow.
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Hello. This is Gene. Happy Leap Day. Are you at work today? Why? Honor the memory of Karl Savage and go home right now.
Our New Contest
For Invitational Week 61: Write a caption — as many as 25 total — for any of the pictures below. Begin each caption only with the letter on the picture — as in “A. [your caption].” For guidance, inspiration, and plain ol’ entertainment, take a look at the results of Week 22 and the results of Week 49 to see what we like in a caption. Don’t bother tracking down the source of the original photo; that shouldn’t be the point of your caption.
Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-61. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form. Also as usual, please submit each individual entry as a single continuous line; i.e., don’t push Enter in the middle of your joke.
Deadline is Saturday, March 9, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, March 14.
The winner gets a cute plushie dopamine molecule key chain, complete with winsome eyes and a purple baseball cap. This is by far the cuddliest 1 million-scale pleasure-provoking neurotransmitter we have ever fondled. Donated by the truly dope Dave Prevar.
Hey, we’d like your questions and observations, many of which we will respond to today in real time. Send them to this Gob:
Inking Outside the Box: ‘Why Not’ ideas from Week 59
In Invitational Week 59 we saluted “Why Not?,” the new, thought-provoking feature by Daniel Pink in The Washington Post (first question: “Why not pay teachers $100,000 a year?”), by inviting some rather more comical Why Nots of your own. A number of the entries suggested things that already exist — among them divorce showers, frozen food from fine restaurants, and dictionaries to translate your grandkids’ vocabularies.
Third runner-up:
Why not put urinal cakes in public stairwells? It’s not like it’d encourage anybody to do something they don’t do already. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)
Second runner-up:
Why not give new car horns a range of honks and beeps that everyone would learn to understand? They could range from “Hi!” to “Um, the light’s green” all the way up to “You #%@*ing $@&*!” (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore; Joel Golden, Fort Washington, Md.)
First runner-up:
Why not provide the majority and minority whips in Congress with real whips to keep the hardhead rogues in line? (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)
And the winner of the Gumby-on-the-toilet desk set:
Along with Congress’s parliamentary rules, why not add a rule from elementary school: No recess till your work is done. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)
Today’s Gene Pool Gene Poll:
If, after voting, you prefer one of the honorables (below) to any of the above, tell us in the Comments.
Perish the Thought: Honorable mentions
Why not end the Biden BORDER CATASTROPHE and stock the Rio Grande with great white sharks? — D.J.T. (Steve Smith)
Why not replace those Gmail-suggested automatic replies like “Great!” and “No thanks!” with more interesting ones, like “Hippos don’t eat pickles!” and “That’s what yo mama said!”? I would definitely use those more. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)
Why not design home workout equipment with clothes-hanging hooks, just from the get-go? (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)
Why not make marshmallow Lego blocks to minimize foot pain and maximize snack time? (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)
In football, why not replace field goal and extra-point kicks with something else? We’re already stopping a game of high-energy, maximum-contact blocking, tackling, running, and passing so that some little guy can come out and see how well he can kick a ball while standing still and looking like a ballerina. For variety, why not have the player do something equally unlike the rest of the game, like juggle, or answer a trivia question, or do bird calls? (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)
Instead of creating dedicated bike lanes that take up big chunks of city streets, why not equip cars with bike catchers that would scoop cyclists up and deposit them lightly at the next intersection? (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)
When Trump refuses to appear in a debate, why not replace him with a wax caricature instead of an empty chair? If the wax melts under the hot lights, even better. (Neil Kurland)
Why doesn’t Tucker Carlson find a way to fit his entire head in Vladimir Putin’s butt? No point in stopping with the lips, really. (Duncan Stevens)
Why not build a pile of dirt so high that it reaches outer space? That would save the waste of rocket fuel, and you could just drive up to work on the satellites! (Joel Golden)
Why not cover car exteriors with Zectron, the stuff the SuperBall was made of? In a collision, cars would just bounce apart like ping-pong balls in a lottery machine. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)
Why not design a lightweight portable tabletop tent so that a couple having an affair could dine at a restaurant in privacy? (Jonathan Jensen)
Why not genetically modify vegetables to taste like ice cream? Okra Winfreeze would be very popular with members of Weight Watchers. (Jon Gearhart)
Why not hire orchestra musicians for the Oscar telecast who aren’t so darn eager and impatient? Those guys constantly start in while the awardees are still talking! (Duncan Stevens)
Why not increase support for the LGBTQ community by starting a rumor that the Q stands for QAnon? (Gary Crockett)
Why not stay quiet when the lion is sleeping tonight near the village, the peaceful village? I don’t imagine it’ll be pleased to be awakened by yodeling. (Duncan Stevens)
Why not use DNA to clone the Founding Fathers, who could then tell the Supreme Court what they really had in mind? (Steve Smith)
Why not wire the seats on gym weight machines to deliver a small shock to anyone sitting around longer than it takes to do a slow set — just enough juice to knock their damn phone out of their hand? (Terri Berg Smith, Rockville, Md.)
Why not include one extra sock with every pair of socks sold? Save countless hours of laundry day searches! (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)
To eliminate speeding completely, why not change all speed limits to 300 mph? (Gary Crockett)
Why not do what the Vatican does in selecting a Pope, and lock everyone in Congress inside the Capitol if they can’t agree on a budget or Speaker of the House? (Gregory Koch, Falls Church, Va.)
Why not find a strong man who can lift his own weight with just his arms, then put him in an armchair and see if he can fly away! (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)
Why not lower the minimum wage, so stores and restaurants can reduce prices to the levels in Russia? — T. Carlson (Steve Smith)
Why not make a new “Mission: Impossible” movie in which the mission is to bring peace to the Middle East? (Tom Cruise always finds a way!) (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)
Why not make Congress
Filibuster in haiku?
That should speed things up. (Jon Gearhart)
Why not put Gas-X in cattle feed? (Steve Smith)
Why not put tinfoil linings straight into MAGA ball caps? (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)
Why not replace the music in public bathrooms with soundtrack loops of bodily emissions? No more worries about making embarrassing noises — relax and join the chorus! (Judy Freed)
Why not require millionaires to drive electric vehicles? Soon there would be rechargers everywhere. Or at least everywhere you’d want to go. (Steve Smith)
Why not rewrite Genesis without the Tree of Knowledge? Then everyone could walk around naked, as originally planned, and not give it a second thought. (Beverley Sharp)
Why not use gene editing to create fire-breathing dragons and use them for snow removal? (Gary Crockett)
With those trigger warnings all over social media, why not have trigger warnings on actual guns? (Judy Freed)
The headline “Inking Outside the Box” is by Mark Raffman; Jesse Frankovich wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.
Still running — deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, March 2: Our Week 60 contest for diary entries for people throughout history. Click on the link below.
Here comes the real-time segment. If you are reading this in real time, please keep refreshing your screen so you can see your observations and Gene’s responses. Many of the observations are related to our last call for your experiences with failures of technology.
Q: I am old. I am VERY old — slightly older even than both our president and his would-be usurper. My very first problem with technology occurred when the newsroom I worked in switched from manual typewriters to electric typewriters, and suddenly all of us kids could not take out our grievances, or excitement, or anger, or emotion, on the keyboard, pounding for emphasis, caressing for calm. And you could see the results on the written page: bold ink or faint ink, normal spacing or paranormal spacing.
It had a real effect on us. It had removed an outlet for tension, a physical canvas for release and expression. Today, with computers, whippersnappers no longer work in newsrooms. They work at home or in what resembles quiet, docile insurance agencies. I can’t touch my toes — hell, I can barely touch my knees — but I can still write.
A: I remember this too, with some fondness. I also liked the physical act of cutting and pasting, with its comforting, middle-school olfactory jolt. The term is now used metaphorically by the ‘snappers. They have no idea what it is, or what they missed. I also miss the presence of the flask in the desk drawer. I didn’t personally partake, but I like that others could, in emergencies. I am going to stop now lest this newsletter become Grandpa’s Nostalgia Nook.
TIMELY TIP: If you’re reading this on an email: Go back to the top of this post and click on "View in browser" to see the full column live and online, and to read and make comments. If you are doing it in real time, refresh from time to time to see the new questions and answers that appear as Gene regularly updates the post.
Also, this would be a wise time to upgrade your free subscription to “paid.” “A lot of people are saying that,” Donald Trump has never said .
Remember, questions and observations here:
Q: In Wednesday’s Barney & Clyde, shouldn’t Chris Doyle get thanks, as you did the first day. – Roy Ashley
A: He did, Roy, to be seen by every reader around the country. You have to look for it, and squint a bit. It’s in the comic strip itself.
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Q: About your early GPS saying “Kee pleft” and “Kee Pright”: My son had a soccer Playstation game, and I'd watch him play. Back in the old days, they'd patch together words and phrases recorded at different times and volumes. So we'd always hear "And Ramsey, who plays for [beat] WALES..." For some reason WALES was always shouted no matter where it was in the sentence.
A: That syllable-packet system I was referring to did the same thing, in a way. The Syllables were recorded over time, and when spliced into words, there sometimes seemed to be weird enunciations, based on disparate emphases of the syllables. In addition to “kee pleft” you sometimes got “Ma-DISS-on Ave-EN-ue.
Q: Regarding the Gene Poll question about multitasking while driving. Does this include operating the grawlixing touchscreens sprouting off the dashboard of every new vehicle, that you have to use for everything from the radio to the heater?
A: Well, that’s a systemic failure. I was talking more about driver-caused idiocies. I am apparently famous on the issue of multitasking while driving.
Q: What the heck is Barney & Clyde?
A: Glad I asked! It’s a nationally syndicated comic strip about a friendship between a homeless man and a pharmaceuticals tycoon. I started it with my son 14 years ago. Horace LaBadie is a co-writer, now, and it is illustrated by David Clark. There are many ongoing storylines – Barney’s family life with his trophy second wife, Lucretia, his cynical 11-year-old daughter Cynthia, and his misanthropic somewhat senile father, Ebenezer. Another storyline: Clyde’s life on the streets, especially his interactions with his con-artist homeless friend Dabney Mountbatten III. Another: Barney’s life in the office, mostly with his lickspittle subordinate Duane Butkis, and his sardonic, uber-competent secretary, Ms. Foxx.
You can find the full archives by searching on Gocomics.com, but the easiest way to keep up with the strip is to get a free subscription to Counterpoint, which syndicates it and sends to subscribers a week’s worth of the strip in an email every week. You can find it here, along with a subscribe button. Oh, And the archives are here.
We might be basing more Invitational contests on specific B&C storylines or characters. You made the first one work very well.
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Q: Regarding your story on The Millennium Bug, I worked for the Army for years as a software developer/manager. For local use software, we wrote code using 4 digit years starting in the 70s. It was obvious to us Y2K would be a problem.
By the way, there's a similar problem on all Unix systems on 19 Jan 2038. Google "Unix death date" for more info. They count seconds from 1970 and it overflows and crashes the system in 2038. – R. Rosen
A: Whoa. This does seem to be a more potent problem, but I don’t dare write about it, for obvious reasons related to what did not happen the last time.
From Wiki:
The year 2038 problem (also known as Y2038,[1] Y2K38, Y2K38 superbug or the Epochalypse[2][3]) is a time computing problem that leaves some computer systems unable to represent times after 03:14:07 UTC on 19 January 2038.
The problem exists in systems which measure Unix time – the number of seconds elapsed since the Unix epoch (00:00:00 UTC on 1 January 1970) – and store it in a signed 32-bit integer.
Here is the full article. It is dour.
Q: Gene: you seem to have overlooked that it is also National Retro Day. Or is every day Retro Day for you ?
A: I have noted ad nauseam, my house currently has nine clocks, the newest of which was manufactured in 1932.
Q: Technology failed me because of progress.
I worked for years as a toll collector - I started that job when the Dulles Toll Road opened in 1984, and it was my first job after graduating college.
I loved being a toll collector: the hours were great (5 am - 1:30 pm), the benefits were great (the same benefits Virginia state off workers receive - dental, medical, leave, retirement), all the overtime you could want (one of my co-workers earned enough in three years to pay cash for his townhouse in Reston), and fantastic holiday pay (double time and a half plus comp leave for working New Year's Day? Yes, please).
After six year and a fire (I got too close to a space heater and my polyester uniform went up in flames, leaving me standing in the cold wearing the sweat suit I wore beneath the uniform), I transferred to an office job.
Many years later, I was burned out by my office job and decided to apply for a supervisor position at the Dulles Toll Road only to find there are no such jobs. Technology in the form of EZPass has eliminated toll road employees.
A: Interesting “technology” connection. I like it. I don’t mean to provoke ire or cultural elitism, but the compensation levels seem a bit generous for that job, no?
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Q: Here’s a tech fail: Check out the AI generated review summary for the customer reviews of this product:
“Customers like the performance of the valve. They say it works well and the floor sensor works. They like that the cold water valve stops functioning properly and the unit gets so hot it almost causes a fire. They dislike the appearance, saying it is pretty janky and a very bad design decision. Customers also have mixed opinions on water resistance.”
A: Very nice. It will burn your house down and you’ll like it. Maybe they’re factoring in an insurance scam.
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Q: Here in Germany, it is illegal to wash cars on the street or even in a driveway. The reason is that they do not want the soap, metal, and rubber particles washed into the storm drains or soaking into the ground and getting into the underground aquifers. Even if there were such a regulation in the U.S., many Americans would ignore it, but in the three decades that I have lived in Germany, I have NEVER seen anyone washing a car at home, not even once.
A: I am not sure what to think about this. I’m not surprised they obey. All Germans instinctively obey except Rachel and members of her immediate family.
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Q: A minor error from Tuesday’s Gene Pool: “…the greatest acrobatic stunt … the ground team rushes off with the stretcher when it is clear it won’t be needed.”
That was NOT a stretcher, it was the board from the see-saw contraption that they used to catapult the guy up onto the chair. And yes, I am sure that it was a real stunt.
A: Right you are. I “leapt” to the wrong conclusion.
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This is Gene, introducing three reactions, in succession to the Shane Gillis’ SNL monologue. You really should watch it if you haven’t. It’s ripe for discussion.
Q: I laughed, especially at the Uber joke, and loved the family flying out of the school yard shadows to rescue the niece. I didn't think it was punching down, he made the Down Syn. kids sound real, because that's who they are, real. I'm trying to find the "ugh" factor, so others will likely chime in to help, but it was very Ricky Gervais, IMHO.
Q: It only made me chuckle twice. I found it more like that car wreck that you can't look away from. I kept hoping he was building up to something, but alas, not.-- Tom Logan - Sterling, VA
Q: I just watched the SNL monologue by Shane Gillis. I didn't find it weird or edgy. I found it charming. Those of us who know people with any kind of intellectual disability will recognize that it's funny because it is true. – Stephanie Smilay
Q: Maybe you’ve commented before. Do you enjoy Bill Maher?
A: I think he’s trenchant and fearless and pretty funny. I don’t love his smugness.
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Q: Okay, you changed your instructions on the submit question page. It now reads like this:
Your question or comment for Gene.
-- If you want Gene to know who you are, and for him to be able to contact you: BEGIN your question with your name and email address. Otherwise he will not know.
-- If you want READERS to know who you are, sign your name at the END of your question or comment.
(Or both.)*
Now this is helpful, and I will just be the "unknown librarian" and let it go. I am a paid subscriber. I can enjoy reading when I can. Thank you for sharing!
A: Yeah, for reasons I cannot understand, probably my fault, people didn’t understand that to have your name included in your post, you must put it in the text of the post, not just the author field. So Pat edited it to make it super simple and unambiguous.
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Q: My 2007 Honda's nav system announces, when I return home. "Destination is on the right". No it isn't. No it hasn't ever been. No it won't ever be. That's inexplicable, after multiple nav data base DVD updates. One more: The first mapping software I used came on a couple 3.5" floppy disks for PC. Mapping escape routes from Chantilly, the first instruction was always to drive across a field which was not a road. – Gabe Goldberg
A: You know what I particularly dislike about GPS? You are parked in a place that is unfamiliar to you and the first instruction you receive is “Go west for a half mile.” Where the hell is west?
Q: The only way I've found to shut off Google Maps is by resetting my phone! This is crazy.
A: It is! I have irregularly found an Exit button, but it’s not always findable.
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Empress here: I just remembered that when we run the results for caption contests, like today's, we don't run a subhead to introduce the honorable mentions; we run both the top winners and the HMs under their respective pictures. So don't bother sending HM subheads. We still welcome headlines for the whole set of results, though -- and we can definitely use some new ones; most of the ones for previous caption contests referred to cartoons.
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Q: I moved to Maryland two years ago. Although I’m American, I sent my phone GPS to have a female British accent. There’s a nearby street sign.for a state road that reads, ‘MD-28.’ For the first months or so, when approaching that road, she would advise that, “At the next red light, turn right onto MD minus 28.” She eventually figured it out. – Al Lubran, Rockville, MD
A: See next post.
Q: Tech failure –In the town of Loretto, PA, home of St. Francis University, many of the nearby streets are named after saints. So my GPS would pronounce them “Street Paul Street”, “Street Peter Street”, and so on.
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Q: I definitely wasn't lying about driving after drinking 3 beers. I'm skinny with low alcohol tolerance and the most beer I've ever drunk at a time is one. That's enough to make me high. I once drank most of one glass is sangria before I ate my dinner and the people at the tables next to me were staring at me because I was giggling. Three beers would put me on the floor. Actually couldn't drink that many because of the bubbles. Can't drink more than one soda either.
A: A couple of people have written in with similar stories. Someone else accused me, obliquely, of misogyny, because women tend to be smaller with lower tolerance for liquor. She has a point, I think. Oh, and one person wrote to say that I needed to supply an option to walk around for an hour and THEN drive home.
A recent Daily Cartoonist article about "Procrastination Day" (Feb 29th): included a comic by Matt Percival that would be a fitting banner for The Gene Pool.
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Q: My first GPS misadventure:. This was before the functionality was added to smart phones. That one had me down in Georgetown, where the GPS told me to turn left. Left, into the Potomac River. I had some sense, even in my salad days, and I declined. Stephanie Smilay
A: Excellent.
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Q: The first mapping software I used came on a couple 3.5" floppy disks for PC. Mapping escape routes from Chantilly, the first instruction was always to drive across a field which was not a road.
– Gabe Goldberg
A: Were there bulls in the field?
This is Gene. I copy us down for the day. Once more I implore, please continue sending questions and observations here. I need em and will devote beaucoup time to answering them next week. Here, to the Gob:
It just occurred to me that Joel Golden's why-not of building a dirt pile to outer space may have been inspired by the Mountain of Dirt in his (and my) town of Fort Washington; dump trucks from all over the area leave off their diggings, and supply fill dirt for other projects. (Photo here: https://www.dirtconnections.com/fill-dirt-maryland/fort-washington/)
Some of these ideas are too good—I have long wanted different horn noises on my car.