The Invitational Week 60: The Pepys Show

Give us a diary entry from anyone in history. Plus winning clickbait headlines for unexciting news.

From the famed diary of Samuel Pepys (rhymes with “bleeps”), April 10, 1663, written in shorthand. Please spell out your own entries for Week 60 in actual words. (From the Pepys Library, Magdelene College, Cambridge)

Captain’s Log, 14 April, 1912: An uneventful day, which is a good thing on a maiden voyage. I must remember, however, to tell the stewards that the passengers want more ice. (Russell Beland)

June 20, ’76: Working on draft of document for TJ. I’ve articulated two unalienable Rights — Life, and the Pursuit of Happiness — need a third. Well, it will come to me. — Sally (Jeff Brechlin)

April 1, 1952: Drunk, spilled a can of paint on a fresh canvas today. Oh well, who'll know? — Jackson Pollock (Jeff Brechlin)

For Invitational Week 60: Write a humorous diary or journal entry for someone, famous or not, at any point in history, as in the examples above from a 2009 Invitational (full results here). Don’t choose a fictional character. Anything over 50 words had better be worth keeping in its own library like the Bibliotheca Pepysiana at Cambridge.

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-60. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form. Also as usual, please submit each individual entry as a single continuous line; i.e., don’t push Enter in the middle of your joke.

Deadline is Saturday, March 2, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, March 7.

The winner gets something that actually looks a little like a trophy: It’s a bendable jointed hand figurine, which served as nothing but fancy packaging for a deck of cards, included in an expensive tutorial in doing card tricks. Fifty-two-time Loser Perry Beider helpfully showed how the hand might be displayed on your mantel, as a centerpiece at the Thanksgiving table, etc.

Take this card and …: This week’s first-place trophy of sorts.

Hey, we’d like your questions and observations, many of which we will respond to today in real time. Send them to this Gob:

Swollen Heads: Clickbait headlines from Week 58

In Invitational Week 58, we asked you to find some actual, anodyne news item and give it a technically accurate but highly misleading clickbait headline. We were delighted to see that many of you turned to small local papers — so many of them fighting for survival — to find the articles; we’re not suggesting, however, that they try to gain readers exactly this way.

Third runner-up: SCANDINAVIANS URGE YOUNG TEENS TO DISPLAY CURVES
Norwegian researchers say schools should encourage cursive writing through middle school. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

Second runner-up: N.Y. FAMILY ENCOURAGES WHIZ IN POOL
Article about a top junior billiards player. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

First runner-up: PAMELA ANDERSON TAKES IT ALL OFF IN SHOCKING DISPLAY OF SKIN
The “Baywatch” actress says she’s stopped wearing makeup. (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

And the winner of the bacon and egg earrings:
BIDEN SEEN DRINKING ON THE JOB
President drinks the water in East Palestine, Ohio, praises ‘Herculean’ cleanup after train derailment (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines, Iowa)

Today’s Gene Pool Gene Poll:

If, after voting, you prefer one of the honorables (below) to any of the above, tell us in the Comments.

Stunners-Up: Honorable mentions

KING OF POP ALIVE AND WELL!
Coca-Cola ‘confident momentum will continue,’ CEO says (Jesse Frankovich)  

CHICKEN SICKENS THOUSANDS OF PARISIANS
Many residents don’t like the golden rooster ornament atop the new spire at Notre Dame. (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)  

LARGE SUMS OF MONEY FOUND IN HUMAN WASTE
Staggering Rise in Catheter Bills Suggests Medicare Scam (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

BLACK CHILD TO BE GIVEN THE CHAIR
A new Charlie Brown TV special will finally allow Franklin to sit with his friends. (Gregory Koch, Falls Church, Va.)

STORM TROOPERS SEPARATE CRYING BABE FROM MOTHER, DRIVE BOTH INTO BLIZZARD
New Jersey cops helped deliver a baby on the highway during a snowstorm. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

TAYLOR BADLY BEATEN AS HORRIFIED FANS WATCH
Lincoln Park overpowers Taylor High, 79-44 (Jesse Frankovich)

BIZARRE COW SURVIVES WITH HEART IN FOREHEAD
Calf with heart-shaped mark on forehead melts hearts online (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

PRINCE HARRY CAN'T KEEP HIS HANDS TO HIMSELF, WOMAN CLAIMS Journalist gripes that he’s always holding Meghan’s hand (Judy Freed)

WEDDING INTERLOPER INTERRUPTS VOWS, SHACKS UP WITH BRIDE AND GROOM
Hudson Valley newlyweds adopted a cat that wandered into their outdoor wedding. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

WHY CUTTING THE CHEESE COULD SAVE YOUR LIFE
Raw-milk cheddar was linked to E. coli illnesses in four states. (Jon Gearhart)

AUTHORITIES: OUR TOWN IS FOLLOWING A PATH INTO DARKNESS
Monroe, Mich., will be in the trajectory of April’s total solar eclipse. (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

DETROIT’S SOLUTION FOR TROUBLED YOUTHS? MORE ARMS.
Tigers sign more pitchers to keep games close in case young hitters slump. (Pam Shermeyer)  

D.C. SLASHER STILL NOT FOUND
Federal Reserve Chairman Jay Powell hesitates to cut interest rates (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

FLORIDA MAN STICKS NEEDLE THROUGH TONGUE
Lakeland, Fla., cobbler posts shoe repair videos  (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

SENIOR SUCCUMBS AFTER MAKING IT WITH TART
Bill Post, creator of the Pop-Tart, died at age 96. (Jesse Frankovich; William Kennard, Arlington, Va.)

50-YEAR-OLD MAN TRIES TO LURE CHILDREN TO HIS SPECIALLY BUILT HOME
Actor Christian Bale breaks ground on Southern California foster home project (Frank Osen)

MASS DISAPPEARANCE OF LATCHKEY KIDS!
More parents are making an effort to be home for their kids after school. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

ARLINGTON OFFICIALS PROMOTE MONOPOLY ECONOMY
The city’s chamber of commerce is selling a parody board game called Arlingtonopoly. (Kevin Dopart)

NAKED AUSTRALIAN TAKEN INTO CUSTODY IN FLA.
An escaped kangaroo was found hopping around in a Tampa apartment complex. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.; Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.)

BEEFY MAN SHEDS FAT FAST
Oklahoman competes in National Meat Cutting Challenge (Pam Shermeyer)

DIRECTORS SEEK WELL-HUNG STUDS
Ad agencies enjoy working with the Budweiser Clydesdales. (Leif Picoult)

BIG FOOT SPOTTED IN MISSOURI
This teen wears a size 23 shoe. It’s stopping him from living a normal life. (Jon Gearhart)

BIG SEWER BLOWOUT IN DELAWARE TOWN
Lewes stitchers to celebrate 100th quilting bee (Jesse Frankovich)  

BRAZIL REPORTS STAGGERING RISE IN NEEDLE USE
Japan has sent millions of vaccines to fight dengue fever in Brazil. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

QUEEN’S HOME ATTACKED, DRONES SWARM
Beehives were stolen from an almond orchard. (Leif Picoult)

CITY SET TO RESTRICT MOST RIGHTS
Assembly proposal would ban right-on-red turns in much of downtown Anchorage. (Frank Osen)

COLLEGE STUDENTS HAUNTED BY MURDER
Large flock of crows descends on the Grinnell College campus (Jesse Frankovich)

CABINET MEMBER CONFINED FOR LEAKING
Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin is hospitalized with bladder issue (Jesse Frankovich; Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

DRUG DEALERS SPREADING ACROSS MARYLAND
179 cannabis licenses to be awarded by state-run lottery (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

TRUMP-ENDORSED CANDIDATE PROMOTES PUBLIC URINATION
North Carolina  Lt. Gov. Mark Robinson denied trans voters bathroom access. (Judy Freed)

FAT WHITE GUYS CAN’T TAKE THE HEAT
Study finds polar bears unlikely to adapt to longer summers (Jesse Frankovich)

GROUP OF WELSHMEN PLOTS TO ATTACK FINLAND
Wales’s national soccer team prepares for a Euro 2024 playoff match. (Gregory Koch)

HE GRABBED HER BODY PART AND SHE LIKED IT
Why people enjoy holding hands. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

HOCKEY TOURNAMENT ORGANIZER RUNS WILD
The Minnesota Wild’s general manager will oversee an upcoming competition. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)  

HOW TO SHRINK YOUR KIDS
Tips for choosing a reliable therapist for your children. (Jesse Frankovich)

HUNGER-STRICKEN LOCALS RESORT TO EATING ROOTS
Review of an upscale Potomac, Md., restaurant that features ginger in many dishes. (Karen Lambert)  

KILLER CLOWN THREATENS TO BURN REPORTERS
SNL’s Colin Jost set to host White House Correspondents’ Association dinner (Leif Picoult)  

KNIFE-WIELDING MAN’S LIFE IS CUT SHORT
Renowned chef David Bouley dies of cardiac arrest at 70. (Pam Shermeyer)

MORE THAN 1,000 SUDDENLY REPORT SUFFERING FROM DEPRESSION
1,180 pothole reports from the public since Sunday, according to the Los Angeles Department of Public Works (Frank Osen)

MURDERER TO GO SCOT-FREE
Cold case closed after 90 years (Frank Osen)

NICOLE KIDMAN ESCAPES MASS SHOOTING
Prior commitments kept the actress away from the 40-celebrity photo shoot for this month’s Vogue cover. (Judy Freed)

ONLY 7 OF 16 CHRISTIANS SURVIVE TRIP TO BALTIMORE
Seven students on the Living Grace Christian School team advanced to the finals at a spelling bee in Baltimore. (Tom Witte)

OUTDOOR THREESOME IN FLA. SHOCKS LOCAL MAN
Resident snaps photo of osprey catching three fish at once (Tom Witte)

Seniors cheat death by eating THIS!
Older folks are learning about healthier diets. (Mark Raffman)

THEY WANT MORE KIDS ON DRUGS!
Lifesaving medication is underprescribed, doctors say (Duncan Stevens)

THOUSANDS BLINDED IN THE DMV! 
Ad for 3 Day Blinds (William Kennard)

PHOTOS SURFACE OF MINISTERS RUBBING MEN, WOMEN, GIRLS,  BOYS
Ash Wednesday services around the world (Jon Gearhart)

CALIF. SHOW MIGHT FEATURE UNION OF GIRL AND RODENT
Disneyland’s Cinderella and Mickey Mouse performers may unionize. (Frank Osen)

The headline “Swollen Heads” is by Beverley Sharp; Jesse Frankovich wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running — deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Feb. 24: Our Week 59 contest for humorous outside-the-box ideas for The Washington Post’s new “Why Not” feature. Click on the link below.

The Invitational Week 59: Why the #$%#$% Not?

Here comes the real-time segment. If you are reading this in real time, please keep refreshing your screen so you can see your observations and Gene’s responses. Many of the observations today are in response to our call for things you’ve seen that were intended to be banal and harmless, but on second glance, seem not to be, and also Schadenfreude.

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Q: Corollary to the case of The Hamburglar, whom your chatter was afraid of when he or she was little: When my sister was little, she was terrified of the Quaker Oats Man. My mom had to put the oatmeal container out on the front porch and lock the door for her to go to sleep. We never figured out why.

A: Probably BECAUSE HE LOOKS LIKE A LASCIVIOUS GROOMER IN THE VERY PROCESS OF GROOMING.

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And now for an emergency instapoll:

TIMELY TIP: If you’re reading this on an email: Go back to the top of this post and click on "View in browser" to see the full column live and online, and to read and make comments.  If you are doing it in real time, refresh from time to time to see the new questions and answers that appear as Gene regularly updates the post.

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Please send in questions and observations to this Gob:

Also, please consider making Donald Trump happy by weakening this virulently anti-Trump newsletter. You do that by not upgrading to “paid.”

It would also please Mr. Trump if you declined to consider giving The Gene Pool as a gift to a friend or colleague or family member, someone who would be very grateful and with whom you might develop a more meaningful relationship as a result. You can do that right here in a few seconds, but — warning — Mr. Trump will feel aggrieved and be angry with you.

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Q: I work in the children’s room of a library, and am forever sending book covers that strike me as dark or naughty to my husband and adult kids. Sometimes it’s just a title that sounds grim, like “Sing! Don’t cry!” or suggestive like “Anna and Elsa’s Secret Playtime” (or the very real “Don’t Tell”) and sometimes it’s one that is straight up scary like “While You Are Sleeping” that has sentient stuffed animals surrounding a sleeping child. I’d include visuals if I could, but the comedy possibilities of children’s books are endless.

A: A cartoonist friend of mine saw the value in this and anonymously illustrated a revised “Little Golden Book,” containing only suggested book covers, severely skewed toward the tasteless. It was hilarious, and I have a first edition copy, and it remains one of my favorite possessions.   It is also kinda valuable because the publisher withdrew the book after voluminous complaints.  A shame.  Examples: 

“Uncle Creepy” (uncle is making penis silhouettes on the wall)

“Can You Still Breathe, Grandma?”  (Dick and Jane have her locked in a steamer trunk.)

And: 

“My First Little Boob Job.”  (A smiling seven-year old in a hospital bed.  She has a rack.)

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Q: The Larry Summers story – about his affinity for chocolate treats, and the smearing of them on theses and dissertations – is true, because I was told it by a long-time colleague of his. The only detail I can't quite remember is whether his snack of choice was HoHos or Ding Dongs, so I went with Ding Dongs because it sounds funnier.

A: Good call on the Ding Dongs.    I might have gone with “Little Debbie Frosted Fudge Cakes,” but it’s really a tossup.  

Q: The "something unexpected" about the contractor a reader mentioned – he was suspected of murdering a client – reminded me of a graver coincidence: seeing a Post story in 2015 about a music teacher charged with sexually abusing elementary-schoolers. It was the same person who had directed the first musical I ever participated in, "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat," in middle school in 1996. It could have been me / us.

A: Clearly, you were not The Chosen One.   

You see what I did there.

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Q: Perfect clickbait headline for the contest, only problem is it's three days late: FLORIDA SECEDES, NO LONGER AMERICAN: The University of Florida's women's lacrosse team has left the American Athletic Conference effective next season, and will join the Big 12 Conference as an associate member (For those who protest that Florida is, will be, and has been a member of the Southeastern Conference, the SEC doesn't sponsor women's lacrosse, forcing the Gators to join another conference as an associate member) – Gregory Koch 

A: Excellent.  It is now, technically, defensibly, part of the winners.  I would urge the Keepers of the Records to say that you “got ink.” Such are the joys of online Invitating.

Pat might disagree.

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This is Gene.  On Tuesday I mentioned a new presidential survey of historians, noting that Trump was dead last, that Biden was number 14, and that Obama was considered seventh best, right under Harry Truman and above Dwight Eisenhower.  I neglected to mention a continuing absurdity in the presidential rankings, one that annoys me.   Many of the rankings, going back 30 years or more – which otherwise seem pretty authoritative – insist on giving a rank to William Henry Harrison, a man who got inaugurated, spoke for an interminable two hours — the longest inaugural address ever, caught a chill and died a month later.  The only thing of consequence Mr. Harrison did after being elected was to buy a pet cow for the White House lawn. Her name was Sukey.   Harrison fell ill two weeks into his administration, and died two weeks after that. Yet he is generally ranked near the lowest end of the bad presidents.  It’s dreadfully unfair. For all we know, he’d have been a Lincoln.   

And the poor guy had already been misused by his election ditty, urging Tippecanoe over Martin Van Buren:

Old Tip he wore a homespun coat, he had no ruffled shirt: wirt-wirt,

But Matt he has the golden plate, and he's a little squirt: wirt-wirt!  

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Q: Last week you commented that Jimmy Fallon is an extraordinarily good song mimicker. I think that understates what is really his biggest talent (because I don't think he's all that funny) -- he's an extraordinarily good mimic of singers, not just singers singing their own songs. That requires real musical and singing ability in addition to the gift of mimicry. Compare that "Old Man" rendition to his singing "Whip My Hair Back and Forth" in the style of Neil Young and you'll see what I mean, but one of my all time favorite example is this one.

A: You are right.  Incredibly good.  Actually brought chills to my spine. Morrison lives.

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Q: With St Patrick 's Day approaching, shouldn't your booze list include Irish whiskey, separate from bourbon and scotch?

A: Yes, it’s right near the bottom, behind scotch, which I detest.   Irish whiskey is good in Irish coffee, but straight up  or on the rocks is nearly undrinkable.  It’s not saying much for a liquor if it can only be enjoyed heavily diluted by a bitter brew.  I will now be cancelled for insulting the Irish. 

Q: A long time ago I bought a cheap knockoff tablet for my kid. It was made by a Chinese manufacturer, Ainol. Their logo, essentially an asterisk, didn’t help things. 

A: Wow. The late David Mills, screenwriter, once noticed an office door for a company called “Copro Inc.” He was so excited he emailed me a picture.

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Q: Whatever pleasure one might feel about Trump’s legal woes, he doesn’t live in the world we see. He is surrounded by a society with different rules, different facts, different media, all championing his every idea and act. His world is answerable only to the audience supplied by the right wing. He will be lauded for not paying his judgments. He will be a martyr. Eventually “their” world will swallow “ours.”

A: Well, this is hugely depressing, but I also think the last bit is wrong.  I don’t think it matters much what current polls say; Donald Trump is about to have a miserable, humiliating few months.  I do think he will be the Republican candidate, but I think his image will be tarnished beyond repair.  I think he loses, possibly in a landslide. FWIW, which may not be much.  

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Q: Even worse than leaving out the medial "T" in “important” is softening it to a "D", which is the pronunciation I have often heard and hate inTENsely: "im-por-dent".

A: I cannot agree with you but only because I respect Bob Woodward, who has been admiringly mimicked for saying that Watergate took a lot of shoe-leather repor-ding. 

Also, I should point out that the yoots of today don’t say “imporant,” which would be illiterate as well as obnoxious.   The slight pause in the middle is what makes it sound technically okay, but vaguely corrupted Valley-Girlish.   They say “impor-ent.”  

Q: What you said about impor'ent resonated with me. I do think it's both generational and east-coast-centric. The missing consonant is replaced with a glottal stop, which is a valid phoneme in many other languages but not in English. My niece and nephew, who live near there, pronounce the capital of New Jersey as Tren'on, for example. Of course, they also uptalk, so I have to fight the urge to roll my eyes a lot when conversing with them. – Janet Hlatky

A: YES, exactly.   Are you sure it is Tren’on and not Tret’n, with the second T half-swallowed?  That seems more likely.   I am from the N.Y. -N.J. area and I say Tret’n.    We tend to half-swallow T’s.

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Q: We humble artists have a hand model like this if we have the detail of a hand in our work. Because it’s hard to imagine how to draw a hand, so we position it and use it to draw detail.

A: So that thing is articulated enough to simulate fairly subtle hand motions?

Q: Maybe W.H Harrison needs an asterisk next to his name, you know, like Armando Galarraga's perfect game. Maybe he was on to something great but got called out too soon.

A: Oh, man. Gallarraga. What a ripoff. Start at 1:30.

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Q: Your thoughts on the recent Andrea Sachs piece in WaPo about scamming gyms when she travels?

A: My primary thought was ZZZZZZ.   It’s not really a scam, it is taking advantage of a marketing loophole, and it may be disagreeably opportunistic and even sleazy, but it’s not fraud.  The smugness  with which it is written is annoying.  Mostly, though, this story interests me not at all.  I mean, do people really care about her gym schedules and strategies in such exhaustive, soporific detail? 

Q: Hello, Gene. I emailed you a couple times about interviewing you for a story I'm doing about Erma Bombeck. Trying one more time via this avenue. If you don't want to do so, that's fine, but just wondering if you got my inquiries. Best, Nance.

A: Not sure who you emailed, or where, but I think it wasn’t me.   And I don’t know who you are, Nance, nor how to reach you.   If you want me, send it here, BUT PUT YOUR CONTACT INFORMATION IN THE BODY OF THE EMAIL.  Which reminds me, everyone:.  I am saying this for a multipleth time.  

I do not know who you are unless you put your name in the BODY of the text of the answers / observations you send to the below button.   It is not enough that it is in the author/header field.  I do not see that.  If you write, as someone else just did:  “If you want me to send my contact information, ask, though I entered it in the author field.”    I CAN’T “ASK”  YOU BECAUSE I DON’T KNOW WHO YOU ARE OR HOW TO REACH YOU.

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Q: I have a foundational issue with the idea that my pleasure in Trump's legal situation constitutes "Schadenfreude" at all. Schadenfreude is taking pleasure in another's misfortune. There is no definition of "misfortune" that covers what is happening to Trump now. He is experiencing the deserved, and in a functional world predictable, legal consequences of his actions. If, for example, you shoot someone in the middle of Fifth Avenue, your subsequent prosecution for murder is not "misfortune". It is the appropriate consequence. If I were taking pleasure in Trump dying a slow painful death from a disease that inflicts humiliation on its victims (say, total bowel incontinence) -- that would be Schadenfreude. What I am experiencing now is a combination of relief and satisfaction that, FINALLY, Trump seems to be getting his just desserts. Not the same thing no matter how happy that makes me.  – he had the misfortune to be caught. 

A:  Interesting point.  The dictionary definition of “misfortune” includes “an event or conjunction of events that causes an unfortunate or distressing result.  (emphasis mine.)  Also, “an unhappy situation.”  An example Merriam-Webster gives is that “his misfortune is that he fell into bad company.”  Which is not strictly a matter of bad luck. 

Still, the main point I want to make is that the expression is just “deserts,” as in “what one deserves,” as opposed to “desserts,” which doesn’t sound bad at all.

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Q: So is Important/Impor-ent on a par with Nuclear/Nu-kew-lar?

A: Arguably, it is slightly less egregious – more of a regional or demographic mispronunciation.  “Nu-kew-lar” is just plain wrong. It is insupportable by a simple reading of the word.  It’s in the same category as pronouncing “negotiation” as “negociation,” which is equally insupportable.   Just an illiteracy.

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Q: Observation: Saturday I am driving on a freeway south of Sacramento, CA, and sudden the traffic slows to about 35 mph (we had been traveling along at 70).The reason? A line of cars and pickups flying American & Trump flags. They were deliberately driving at half the speed of the freeway knowing they were ticking us off. Earlier, near that same place, I saw two youngish (probably mid-30s) women putting a Trump banner on the overpass. I identify as Christian—indeed I am a pastor—& I cannot see how anyone who self identifies as Christian can be so enamored of a thrice-married, financial fraudster, who cheated on his current wife when she was home with a three-month-old child, who believes that anyone who is not a white, native-born American is less worthy (or even should be eliminated). Obviously, their definition of Jesus is far different from mine.

A: You are preaching to the chorus, pastor.  

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Q:  Re Anne Paris's comment in Monday's Gene Pool about people claiming that "Brown Eyed Girl" is about anal sex: While that's pretty ludicrous, the phrase "brown-eyed girl" (man, etc.) has a history in Black music as a euphemism for "brown-skinned," as in the Chuck Berry song "Brown-Eyed Handsome Man." They couldn't get a song played back in the day if it had a lyric about a white woman falling for a brown-SKINNED handsome man. (Other songs used the "brown-eyed" euphemism as well.) I learned about this on the fascinating podcast "A History of Rock Music in 500 Songs" by Andrew Hickey. The Chuck Berry song is clearly a racial one; Van Morrison may well have just internalized the phrase rather than meaning anything in particular. -- Pat Myers

A:  Hey, Pat.  What you say is correct, and that’s why this guy’s argument is hilarious.  He does a comprehensive anal-ysis.   

It is very easy to make incorrect assume lyrics mean what they don’t.   Even recognized literary geniuses make mistakes. 

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Not a Q: Not a question, just a thank-you for pointing out something that's been grating on my ears for some time, yet you seem to be the first one to point it out: that critical missing T in IMPORTANT. I don't think I've heard anyone under 30 say the T clearly, so this atrocity appears to having staying power. Even the young newscasters say IMPOR'ANT. We're doomed. – Peggy Robin

Not an A:  We are, Peggy.

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Q: I have always tried to manage my schadenfreude (and any associated karmic impact) by adhering to the following philosophy, "I never wish ill on anyone, but I also don't have to feel bad when ill befalls them."

A: Very wise, except, not to belabor the point or nitpick, but by definition, Schadenfreude does not imply wishing bad events to occur to people – it is specifically about degrees of “not feeling bad” when something does befall those people.  There is a long continuum of not feeling bad.

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Q: This one's been around social media forever. Alex's reaction was edited in (fake):

A: Indeed. Thank you.

Q: I am 58.  I still give the time in phrases like "ten to twelve" or "quarter to ten."  My husband, who is 8 years younger, once asked me why I said such things.  To me, saying something like "nine forty-five" (or worse, "nine forty-six") just sounds too official.  It sounds like you're in the Army or something.

A: I agree. 

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Q: In college I was talking to a physics major.  I said that I hung my laundry around my dorm room to dry, both saving money and improving the humidity in the room (which the heating system made very dry).  I was asked what my laundry strategy had to do with improving the humidity.

A:  I looked this up.  The scientific explanation is under the rubric “Moisture diffusion in air.”  See, I do your homework for you. This is my source.  It  is the most complicated and unreadable thing you will ever not read.  

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This is Gene. We will end on that boring note because if you tried to read it, you are asleep already.

Please keep sending questions and observations here. I will address them on Tuesday.

And see you on the weekend. The question I will ask should evoke rage against the machine.