The Invitational Week 58: Praise the Lurid!

Give us clickbait headlines for mundane stories. Plus winning 'dad jokes' vs. 'grandpa jokes.'

(Fendi/JW Anderson, from the 2022 Paris Fashion Week)

Above, actual men’s sandals displayed in Paris fashion shows. See the winner of Invitational Week 56, below, for a one-word explanation.

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Hello, Welcome to the Thursday Gene Pool, which features the new Invitational, and the results of a particularly naughty one.

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New headline: ROCKETS TAKE OUT ACTIVE SHOOTER
Actual story: Houston overcomes 51 points from Russell Westbrook to beat Oklahoma City (Dave Matuskey)

New headline: GOP CONGRESSMAN FOUND DEAD AFTER CALLING FOR PRESIDENT’S IMPEACHMENT
Actual story: Obituary of Lawrence J. Hogan Sr., a House Watergate Committee member who called for Nixon’s impeachment in 1974 (Jon Gearhart)

New headline: FORMER TERROR SUSPECTS CONVERGE ON CITY
Actual story: Reunion of Japanese Americans who were interned during World War II (Frank Osen)

For The Invitational Week 58: Find any real news item or ad published online or in print from Feb. 8 through Feb. 18 — the more boring the better — and give it a headline with more pizzazz, however irresponsible, as in the examples above from a 2017 Invitational. Also, as above, summarize the real story either in a brief sentence or in the form of a bank headline, or subtitle. ***See the entry form for important further directions*** so we don’t bog things down here and can get on to the jokes.

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-58. (Note our new domain name for these short links.) As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form.

Deadline is Saturday, Feb. 17, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Feb. 22.

The winner gets breakfast on us — well, on you, specifically hanging from your ears: a pair each of fried-egg and fried-bacon earrings — mix or match.

And they’re 100 percent cholesterol-free! This week’s prize.

Hey, we’d like your questions and observations, many of which we will respond to today in real time. Send them to this grotesque orange button:

Artful Codgers: ‘Dad jokes’ vs. ‘grandpa jokes’ from Week 56

In Invitational Week 56, inspired by the subversive gramps in Gene’s comic strip “Barney & Clyde,” we asked you for a typical “dad joke” — usually a riddle ending with a wholesome pun that Daddy would like to share with the kids — but also the same riddle answered by edgy Grandpa Ebenezer, who doesn’t care what the kids hear, and maybe thinks they could use a little naughtiness and subversiveness in their lives.

Third runner-up:
What goes up and down but doesn’t move?
Dad joke: A staircase.
Grandpa joke: A corpse in an elevator. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

Second runner-up:
A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly.
Dad joke: And as you can see, they were Wright.
Grandpa joke: And boy, were their arms tired when they hit the sidewalk at the bottom of the Empire State Building. (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

First runner-up:
How do you make the number 1 disappear?
Dad joke: Add the letter G and it’s “Gone.”
Grandma joke: Flush the damn toilet! (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

And the winner of the “Greatest Farter” T-shirt:
What do you call a Frenchman in sandals?
Dad joke: Philippe Philoppe.
Grandpa joke: Douchebag. (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

Today’s Gene Pool Gene Poll:

From Dad to Worse: Honorable mentions

What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? 
Dad: A can’t opener.
Grandpa: A lazy proctologist. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.; Dan Steinbrocker, Los Angeles)

Dad joke: If a pig loses its voice, does it become disgruntled?
Grandpa joke: I had a pig that lost its voice. Maybe it was because I slaughtered it. (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.)

What did the sink tell the toilet?
Dad: You look flushed!
Grandpa: You take too much crap. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.; Jon Gearhart)

What did the pepperoni say walking out of the hospital?
Dad: I’m cured.
Grandpa: Holy shit! Would you look at this bill? (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

How do you teach kids about taxes?
Dad: Eat 30 percent of their ice cream.
Grandpa: Make them do your taxes. (Leif Picoult)

What kind of shoes do mice wear?
Dad: Squeakers!
Grandpa: Little tiny ones. What did you expect, clown shoes? (Richard Franklin, Alexandria, Va.)

How does a lawyer say goodbye?
Dad: Sue you later!
Grandpa: With a $50 phone call. (Leif Picoult)

What friends do you always bring to dinner?
Dad: Your taste buds.
Grandpa: The ones you can sucker into paying your bill. (Beverley Sharp)

What do you call a rude cow? 
Dad: Beef jerky.
Grandpa: Grandma. (Jon Gearhart)

Why did the coach go to the bank?
Dad:  To get his quarterback.
Grandpa:  He had to pay a fine for sexual harassment because of his offensive line. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)  

Why should you never date a tennis player?
Dad: Love means nothing to them.
Grandpa:  They think a “good match” is when they whack your balls with a racket for two hours. (Mark Raffman)

What falls while never getting hurt?
Dad: Snow.
Grandpa: The woman in the Life Alert commercial. (Chris Doyle)

What did the Yelp review say about the restaurant on the moon?
Dad:  Great food, no atmosphere.
Grandpa: The food tasted like it was from Uranus. (Mark Raffman)

Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
Dad: He couldn’t see himself doing it.
Grandpa: He’d already taken the ladies’ locker room attendant job. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

What did the cable say to the elevator?
Dad: “We work together on so many levels.”
Grandpa: “I love it when you go down on me.” (Jon Gearhart)

What goes around the world but never leaves the corner?
Dad: A stamp.
Grandpa: An especially skillful prostitute. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

What gets whiter the dirtier it gets?
Dad: A chalkboard.
Grandpa: MAGA. (Kevin Dopart)

What’s a dog’s favorite part of a house?
Dad: The woof.
Grandpa: Whichever room smells most like someone’s crotch. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

What did one wall say to the other?
Dad: “I’ll meet you at the corner.”
Grandpa: “Are you as plastered as I am?” (Jon Gearhart)  

What has one head, one foot, and four legs?
Dad: A bed.
Grandpa: A Chernobyl resident. (Jon Gearhart)

What has two hands, has a round face, and doesn’t get anywhere when it runs?
Dad: A clock.
Grandpa: Chris Christie. (Kevin Dopart)

What has a neck without a head to hold?
Dad: A bottle.
Grandpa: Marie Antoinette. (Chris Doyle)  

How do you get a squirrel’s attention?
Dad: Act like a nut.
Grandpa: Show it your nuts. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.; Beverley Sharp)

The headline “Artful Codgers” is by Chris Doyle; Tom Witte wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running — deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Feb. 10: Our Week 57 contest for bad ideas for books or movies. Click on the link below.

The Invitational Week 57: The Ughscars and the Phewlitzers

Here comes the real-time segment. If you are reading this in real time, please keep refreshing your screen so you can see your observations and Gene’s responses. The observations today are extremely eclectic.

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Q: Regarding things I never thought I’d see:  Years ago I was visiting a friend who was a grad student at the University of British Columbia in Vancouver. I was waiting for her to get out of her last class, and I was minding my own business strolling around the UBC campus when I turned a corner and suddenly saw gigantic Nazi flags rolled out everywhere, hanging from flag posts and all over, and a WWII-era truck trundled along in front of me with men in SS attire and Nazi armbands in front of a giant stage with a huge crowd in 1940s attire. I had been plunged into WWII.

I genuinely thought I was having a psychotic break. Then I saw cameras and booms and realized that some kind of show was being filmed. Turns out it was a scene from the speculative war drama “The Man in the High Castle,” and the scene they were filming featured an assassination attempt. I watched a crowd of people in period attire listen for a cue (some tech guy in a T-shirt munching on a Clif bar who would yell “BANG!”) and then they'd all scatter as if there had been gunshots. They repeated this scene dozens of times. I will never forget how weird this was.

A: I saw something almost identically weird!  It was at Eastern Market in D.C, in the middle of summer but people were dressed in parkas and furs and other winter clothes, walking around. There were street signs in Dutch. Suddenly, a car exploded and was launched several feet in the air. They were filming “Body of Lies,” directed by Ridley Scott. The explosion was done with propane tanks, but the launch of the car was accomplished with what was essentially a gigantic rat trap hidden under the car. This wasn’t all a surprise: I’d known about the filming and was there to write about it, but it was still incredibly weird.

By the way, most of the actors were extras, except for two or three who were closest to the car when it exploded, and had to hit the ground and roll. They were stuntmen and stuntwomen.

TIMELY TIP: If you’re reading this right now, on an email: Click here to get to my webpage, then click on the top headline (In this case, “The Invitational… ”) for the full column, and comments, and real-time questions and answers. And you can refresh and see new questions and answers that appear as I regularly update the post.

Also, if you like this sort of thing, please consider upgrading your subscription to “paid.”

Q: Q:  My reading of the 14th Amendment says that the orange insurrectionist cannot HOLD office, but it does not say that he cannot RUN for office. So it seems to me that he cannot be excluded from state primary ballots as long as he meets all necessary qualifications. Please help me see what I'm missing.

A:  I read it the same way, and we’ll get an official answer soon enough, but think of it this way:  You also need to be at least 35 years old to be president.  What if a 24 year old decided to run?  Could he or she even get on a ballot?   You know, the Constitution also doesn’t say a candidate must be human.  Could a dog get on a ballot?

Meanwhile, here is clause 3 from Amendment 14: 

“No person shall be a Senator or Representative in Congress, or elector of President and Vice President, or hold any office, civil or military, under the United States, or under any state, who, having previously taken an oath, as a member of Congress, or as an officer of the United States, or as a member of any state legislature, or as an executive or judicial officer of any state, to support the Constitution of the United States, shall have engaged in insurrection or rebellion against the same, or given aid or comfort to the enemies thereof. But Congress may by a vote of two-thirds of each House, remove such disability.”

It’s a syntactical disaster, but ultimately clear.   I think the court will balk at “insurrection,” as defining what Trump did.  I also think they may quibble about “officer of the United States.”  Does that apply to the prez?

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Q: Surely this can't be the first time you've seen this aptonym:

A: This is indeed a first for me.  And it is … spectacular, if rude.

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Q: You asked for historical figures worse than Trump?   Andrew Johnson, though not by much. He was a stone racist and bigot; he insulted Frederick Douglass to his face, he was a drunk who nearly puked at Lincoln's second inaugural, he pardoned every Confederate he could find in hopes of sucking up to the plantation class (he was born poor and had a chip on his shoulder about it), he held Trump-like rallies around the country when he and Congress got crossways with each other, and basically he had zero redeeming qualities. Plus he basically put the Redeemers (so-called) back in power in the South and set the whole Jim Crow thing in motion. But it's a close call and I can envision a scenario in which Trump could be re-elected and take us down an even darker road. 

A: He was a loser in most ways.  He even lost with his own wife.  He was renowned for being the only president other than Trump not having any pets, but in fact he had a pet mouse family.  They lived in the White House in a wall, and he would play with them.  During his impeachment, they were his only friends.   Apparently his wife was having none of this and exterminated them.

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Q: I am the original poster who brought up "That was no lady that was my wife."  At least now I now I'm not the only one who doesn't get it!  It seems the line is famous on the same level as "Take my wife--please!"  But "Take my wife" makes sense and is funny (albeit sexist).  "That was no lady" does not make sense (as evidenced by the fact that everyone has a different interpretation) and is not particularly funny (in any interpretation).  So I still don't understand why it is so famous.

A: “Take my wife..   Please.”  is funny.  But why is it sexist?  It’s about the occasional pain of marriage.   Do you think it’s treating a woman like chattel?  

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Q: Just how weak have we become as a nation? So weak that we now need "easy tear" toilet paper! How weak do you have to be to NOT be able to tear toilet paper? 

A: Haha. It’s been in development for five years!   Also, the lede of this piece is odd.   “It’s not what you think it is.”   What exactly was it that you probably thought it was when you heard there was a new design for toilet paper?   I’m taking nominations.

Q: Remarkable instance of double aptonyms (scroll all the way to the bottom for the second one):

A: Wow. How the heck did this happen? The coincidence is astonishing.   

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Q: Keith Johnson, Evanston here. The writer from yesterday makes only one mistake in her excellent comparison of Trump  with Henry VIII: She mentions ""Taking a guillotine into account, Henry wins this one.""

Actually in England heads were chopped off with an ax...Except royalty! Does anyone know what the punishment of beheading of royalty was done with?  A sword!

A: The egregious error is noted. Why a sword for royalty?

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Q:  This observation is relevant, albeit thinly, to the "Dutch oven" thread from yesterday. Perhaps twenty years ago some prankster sneaked a startling paragraph about farting into the hallowed Merck Manual (found on every hypochondriac's bookshelf). It described, for example,  the "slider," delivered silently to great effect in a crowded elevator, and the performances of a Monsieur Petomane, who entertained on stage with various crepitation displays. I've only seen this insertion in one or two of all the Manuals I've used, so I imagine this editorial slip-up was caught and purged.

A: Le Petomane is one of the greatest performers of all time.  His actual name was Joseph Pujol, and his name would be one of the greatest aptonyms of all time had he been Spanish and not French, if you see my point. 

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Q:  “Philadelphia Clock Repair of the Day”: 

A: Oh.  My.  God.  Very funny and absolutely horrible at the same time. 

Q: This is not hypocrisy, per se, because I don't have moral qualms with the food chain. If cows were capable of farming us they would. I have been seeing a vegetarian woman for some years now, and we have a running joke that my life goal is for her to one day eat an ordinary hot dog. Shared meals have resulted in my eating much much less meat than before, but on the other hand she's graduated to pescatarianism. Am I winning? Or is she?

A: She is winning.  In my mind, pescatarianism is indeed vegetarianism.  To me, an animal is an organism with a brain.  Clams, oysters, lobsters, trout … eh.  Not much cerebral cortex.   You can call me out on this.

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Q: Just letting you know that I upgraded to a paid subscription while in the waiting room for a colonoscopy.

A: I don’t mean to be blowing smoke up your ass, but…..

Haha. Colonoscopy humor.

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Q:  I was in a mall in the early 90s and the crowd (this is why I specified the time period) started parting to let a man with a long white cane pass.  He had another man with a white cane on his arm.  Literally the blind leading the blind.  I felt like surely this was to fill some bucket list bingo card.

A: Excellent. 

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Q: Regarding your analogy about tuna in water being like watering down Scotch:  A master distiller from the Edradour distillery in Scotland told me that the only way to drink scotch was by adding water and that only ignoramuses drank it any other way.

A: Welp, one of the premier whisky experts disagrees with him.   This is from the Whiskey Dictionary, by Ian Wisniewsky: 

“Dilution also effects a significant change in the mouthfeel. At bottling strength the texture of a whisky can range from soft and delicate to rounder, fuller-bodied and even lightly creamy. As mouthfeel is the delivery vehicle for flavour I consider it an integral part of the experience, and diluting reduces the individuality of the mouthfeel (which I consider a great shame).

“Another consideration is that adding water reduces the level of intensity that a whisky has, and replaces it with mellowness. This could be considered a benefit, or reason for regret. I prefer intensity. Always.” 

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This is Gene. I am calling us down. Good talk. PLEASE send in more questions and observations, which I will jump all over next week. Send em here, to the orange “I’ll jump on this” button: