The Invitational Week 54: S Is for Smartass

Presenting the Devil's Alphabet Soup. Plus new humor from old contests.

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Hello. Today, as on all Thursdays, we present a new Invitational and the results of an older one. You are champing at the bit to see them. But first, annoyingly, two Gene Pool Gene Polls, which explore your civic insufficiencies.

The Invitational Week 54

Send us couplets of rhyming lines from any two consecutive (contiguous) pages of a wickedly seditious and cynical children’s alphabet book, as in these two from a long-ago Invite:

K is for Klingon. What’s that? You have met one?
L is for Life. I suggest that you get one. (Robert Schechter)

And :

G is for God-given rights, like big rifles.
H is for Health care and other such trifles. (Melissa Balmain)

This the first time doing this contest that our judging is not constrained by the sometimes puritanical Washington Post rules of decorum, so have your way with it. We’re judging each couplet independently — themed lines covering a run of more than two letters won’t get ink.

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to bit.ly/inv-form-54. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form.

Deadline is Saturday, Jan. 20, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Jan. 25. While we’ll run the results as two-line poems,  please submit each couplet as one long line, and we’ll break them up appropriately.

The winner gets two hundred dollars! In the form of a pair of socks, each of which is imprinted with a very large and elastic $100 bill. Show to the world that you know how to stretch a buck.  Donated by Father Prize himself, Loser Dave Prevar.

Political wonks would call this walking-around money. This week’s prize. (SockySock.com)

Hey, we’d like your questions and observations, many of which we will respond to today in real time. Send them to this grotesque orange button:

Déjà Two: Another go at 25 contests from ’23

In Week 52, in the second week of our annual retrospective, we invited you to enter or reenter any or all of The Invitational’s contests from the second half of 2023, including limericks, song parodies, “life lessons,” photo captions, and our stock in trade, new words.

Third runner-up:
From Week 39:  Pair a line from a Bob Dylan song with your own rhyming line: 
“Arise, arise,” he cried so loud in a voice without restraint,
And folks hissed, “Shh, this is the quiet car! We’ll issue a complaint!” (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Second runner-up:
From Week 35, Muldoons, which are quatrains that mention at least two body parts, a place name, and at least one rhyme:
I’d walk my dog in Central Park, I’d watch him pee and poop,
Then with my hand into a bag, his excrement I’d scoop.
But now my legs are weak, my sight is poor at ninety-three.
I wish to hell I’d trained my dog to do the same for me. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

First runner-up:
From Week 50, the news events of 2024:
Stingier than ever, airlines now require passengers to bring food to serve to the flight attendants. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)  

And the winner of the Dull Men’s Club Calendar:
Predicted news events of 2024:
Prince Andrew joins the Artist Formerly Known as Prince in being formerly known as Prince. (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.)

Re-ruins: Honorable mentions

Week 26, compare any two items on a random list:
Handel’s Messiah: A tribute to the Son of God. A silent fart: Attribute to your son or dog. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

Week 27, how businesses might pander to Trump’s base:
Hallmark would market “Happy January 6” cards. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)  

The Texas Rangers would hold a Bring Your Gun to the Game day. (Steve Smith)

The famous pumpkin brand would make its slogan “We’re Libby’s. Own Us!” (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

Hamilton would tour with a historically accurate cast. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)  

Week 28, poems featuring words from the 2023 National Spelling Bee:
Chutzpah: nerve or temerity
“I’d like to see your manager,” the woman said to me.
“The service here is terrible. I’m sure he will agree.”
Replied I, “Ma’am, your chutzpah’s entertaining — I’m verklempt.
But this is still my courtroom, and I find you in contempt.” (Mark Raffman)

Omphaloskepsis: navel-gazing:
Ommity-bommity,  
Friend, have you gleaned any
Truths ’bout existence, or
Even a hint,

Eyeing your navel so
Omphaloskeptically?”
“Actually, bud, I’m just
Hunting for lint.” (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Sabulous; sandy or gritty
They’d set out when the day was hot;
The beach had been the perfect spot!
He told her she looked sabulous;
She thought that he said “fabulous.”
“No, no,” he said, “that’s not the case!”
She kicked some sand right in his face. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)  

To querken is to choke real hard
Even through the tears.
The Washington Commanders have
Been querkening for years. (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.) 

Tolsester, a fee paid to a feudal lord for a license to brew ale):
Disbursed the funds to ply my trade;
Brewed Miller Lite all year.
My tolsester was just repaid!
The reason wasn’t clear.
When I asked why: “That stuff you made?
Good Lord! You call that beer?” (Duncan Stevens)

Week 29, short sentences that include all 26 letters:  
Balmy antivax dingwad quack RFK Jr. for prez? No shot. (Duncan Stevens)

Tonight I knew maybe every one of the Jeopardy! quiz answers; the questions, not exactly. (Neal Starkman, Seattle)

Week 31, neologisms formed from seven-letter “racks” in the ScrabbleGrams anagram game:
EGIMOST > OMGIEST: Most amazing. “That was the OMGiest thing I ever saw.” (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)

AEUKLPM > PALM UKE:  Euphemism for an instrument that’s played enthusiastically by teenage boys. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

ADEIMTY > YADTIME: Outdoor party in Boston. (Rob Cohen)

ADEIMTY > YAMTIDE: The holiday one month before Yuletide. (Pam Shermeyer)

Week 32, limericks featuring words beginning with “ho-”:  
If the tortoise had challenged the hare
To race home, that would not have been fair
’Cause that would just be
One big shell game, you see,
’Cause the tortoise is already there. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

Our trip to the Netherlands cost
So much that I drank till I lost
All feelings of woe.
Egged on by my bro,
I spent all of my Holland days sauced. (Jon Gearhart) 

Week 33:  Ask Backwards: We give the “answers”; you tell us the questions.
A. Donald Trump, PhD.
Q. Which American most resents sharing a name with someone else? (Jeff Contompasis)

A. Arguably, they’re the same.
Q. If I want to show my commitment level, do I go “all in” or “all out”?  (Jeff Contompasis) 

Week 34,  compare two people who share a birthday.  
Sonja Henie (April 8, 1912) vs. Claudine Gay (April 8, 1970):
One knew how to skate on thin ice. (Steve Smith)  

Shaquille O’Neal (March 6, 1972) and Michelangelo (March 6, 1475):
Towering figures in their fields, they both did great work in the paint. (Pam Shermeyer)

Babe Ruth (Feb. 6, 1895) and Zsa Zsa Gabor (Feb. 6, 1917):
For his homers, they dubbed him the Sultan of Swat;
Seven hundred fourteen was the number he hit.
Ms. Gabor had big numbers for tying the knot,
Though her tally of husbands was lower — a bit. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)    

Week 35, Muldoons, quatrains that mention at least two body parts, a place name, and a rhyme:
Said Cyrano of Bergerac, 
“This nose, so big — I understand.”
Said fair Roxane, replying back:
“Who cares? I’m looking at your hand.” (Mark Raffman)

It has P, E, N, I, and S.
It’s shaped like Chile. What’s your guess?
I doubt there's one as stiff as mine—
Of course I’m speaking of the SPINE. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.) 

Week 37, “backronyms”:
BOEBERT: Beetlejuice Offers Excellent Boyfriend-Erotic-Rubbing Time (Duncan Stevens)

Week 38: Chiasmus, phrases paired with their inversion, including spoonerisms:
Trump: “Hunter is a criminal who should be prosecuted.”
Also Trump:  “Prosecutors are criminals who should be hunted.” (Mark Raffman)

“Have you emptied our trash cans yet?” “Done that bin there.” (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Week 39:  Dylan “tailgaters,” a line from a song written by Bob Dylan, then paired with your own rhyming line: 
I paid fifteen million dollars, twelve hundred and seventy-two cents
’Cause buying Supreme Court justices is quite a large expense. (Karen Lambert)

Go away from my window,  leave at your own chosen speed:
You’re hardly the first sick creep to watch me while I peed. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)  

Week 40,  song lyrics about the news: 
Ballad of a Straw Man
To  “If I Only Had a Brain”
Pay no heed to those indictments, those frivolous incitements,
In time they’ll leave no stain!
Prosecutors whipped grand juries into anti-MAGA furies
Just to mess with my campaign.

Paid no porn star to keep quiet—did not incite a riot —
Keep docs? Oh, that’s inane!
Lefties spread disinformation, tales of vote manipulation,
Just to mess with my campaign.

A smear to interfere with votes in ’24:
“Make him someone that his base will not adore!”
With every count they love me more!

You can trust me, sure as shootin’: the people prosecutin’
Are on a gravy train.
What those meanies, every one, did, that’s because they’re Soros-funded,
Out to mess with my campaign. (Duncan Stevens)

Week 41, neologisms “discovered” in a random word-find grid:
Phod: Vietnamese wabbit soup. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)  

Lossie: Memory-impaired dog who keeps forgetting where Timmy went. (Jeff Contompasis)

Week 43,  “Life lessons” to be learned from some milieu:
From reality TV:  To rough it in the wilderness, take only the bare essentials: fire starter, pot, machete, and an array of makeup. (Pam Shermeyer)

From your parents: Always keep your banking password in a safe place, like your purse or wallet. (Steve Smith)

Week 46, “air quotes”:  
2“46”8, who do we appreciate?:  A chant never heard at Trump rallies. (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

A“cad”emic: A handsy professor. (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio)

Th“eat”er: “Acting was my life, but I found I needed to do more.” (Frank Osen)

Donal“D J. T”rump:  So narcissistic, even his name says his name. (Judy Freed)

I“ow”a:   Location of Ron DeSantis campaign headquarters on Jan. 16. (Mark Raffman)

Back“woo”dsy: Comin’ a-courtin’ with a fresh rabbit and a bouquet of honeysuckle. (Pam Shermeyer)

S“mother”: Being a helicopter mom. (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.)  

Se“rv”ant: A SCOTUS justice who dutifully does the bidding of his patrons. (Chris Doyle)

Te“tan”us: So I stepped on a pop-top at Margaritaville Beach. What could go wrong? (Neil Kurland)

N“ew”s: A photojournalism story on Dr. Pimple Popper. (Jeff Hazle)

 Week 47, compare two people who share some element of their names:
Alex Haley and Nikki Haley: Each is known for fictionalized accounts of slavery. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)  

Bruce Jenner vs. Caitlyn Jenner: In addition to having the same parents, both had exactly the same circulatory and digestive systems. (Howard Walderman)

Week 48, bad news rewritten to sound like good news:
Original: The planet might have entered the age of ‘global boiling’ in 2023
Spun: Global warming may be a thing of the past (Jeff Contompasis)

O:  Alaska Airlines Grounds Fleet of Boeing 737 Max 9 Jets After Midair ‘Incident’
S:  Alaska Airlines to Dramatically Reduce Carbon Emissions (Karen Lambert)

O: Trump’s criminality, his authoritarianism, and his malignant narcissism and psychopathy inextricably intertwine.
S: Trump may not be unraveling after all.  (Judy Freed)

O: Nearly 700 Books Banned in Orange County, Florida
S:  Orlando Libraries Dramatically Expand Shelf Capacity (Frank Osen)

Week 49,  caption any of seven pictures:

 Picasso’s “Black Period” was better left forgotten. (Leif Picoult)

Week 50, news items from the coming year:
To make himself hipper, King Charles III rebrands as KC3.  (Leif Picoult)  

The Supreme Court rules 6-3 to reverse the Colorado decision barring Donald Trump from the ballot. Writing for the majority, Justice Thomas declares in full: “Because we said so, that’s why.” (Elliott Shevin, Efrat, West Bank)

Joe Biden is impeached for not having any of the evidence that House Republicans need in order to impeach him. (Duncan Stevens)

The D.C. area Metro system announces that, due to budget cutbacks, the Purple Line will be merely a pale lavender. (Duncan Stevens)

And Last: Air quotes: The Gene “Poo”l: Not the usual crap. It’s better crap. (Neil Kurland)

The headline “Déjà Two” is by Kevin Dopart; Roy Ashley wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running — deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Jan. 13: Our Week 53 contest for humorous poems about people who died in 2023. Click on the link below.

Invitational Week 53: Dead Letters, our annual obit poem contest

Here comes the real-time segment. If you are reading this in real time, please keep refreshing your screen so you can see your observations and Gene’s responses. Some of the observations today are about our call for hypothetical sports matchups, and also pastrami.

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Q: What do you think about the greatest story of the week -- the discovery of a secret Lubavitcher tunnel in New York City, leading from a sacred Jewish Orthodox temple to a sacred ... mikveh, where ladies bathe in the nude. And what about the skeevy MAGA guy who presents evidence that he tweeted, over a month ago, that he heard Jews speaking Yiddish coming up from under his floor, which he said is a first-story apartment with no basement beneath it?

A: I was going to address this abundantly in the intro, after reading this. What a fabulous story: This guy is right-wing nut who sells Trump t-shirts and has predicted that Trump will be “the first U.S. President in history to have won three consecutive national elections”, which is not only batshit fruitcake nuts but even if it were not nuts, it would be wrong, considering FDR, and — under his this guy’s definition of “won” — both Grover Cleveland and Andrew Jackson. So here is a tin-foil-hat lunatic Internet guy whose paranoid rantings actually proved true. Irony! The online media jumped all over it, including a few in the mainstream.

Alas, the more I looked into it, the less convinced I was that this guy’s story holds water. For one thing, his name is, um, “Richard Strocher.” Mr. Dick Stroker never outright says that his apartment is anywhere near the Temple. Why would he not, if it were true? Because then it would be verifiable or not. He bragged he was going to be interviewed by FOX news, then revealed it was cancelled. Why?

Also, his Twitter feed is filled with nakedly racist crap.

Also, his entire identity online seems only related to his entire identity online.

That’s why didn’t lead The Gene Pool with this. It’s here, at arm’s length, in Questions and Observations. And now I note this morning that Reddit, which did much to pump this story, has affixed a “Satire — Fake Tweet” label to his original post, without further elaboration.

Still, mikveh. Hasidim digging a tunnel. Yiddish coming up from under the floor. The Tell-Tale Heart. A story too good to check out.

It works fine, though as a postscript to the last Gene Pool, about the “Truth Decay” — The Death of Facts.

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This is Gene: Please look that this colliding signage. It was from the facepalm community on Reddit.

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TIMELY TIP: If you’re reading this right now, on an email: Click here to get to my webpage, then click on the top headline (In this case, “The Invitational, Week 54…”) for the full column, and comments, and real-time questions and answers. And you can refresh and see new questions and answers that appear as I regularly update the post.

Speaking of observations and questions, send ‘em here:

And if you decide you’d like to upgrade your account because Deloitte USA predicts a rosy economy and probably would advise you to invest in The Gene Pool by upgrading your subscription:

Q: Regarding finding good pastrami in D.C.:  What about Chutzpah deli, not in DC, but I would travel to Fairfax for a sandwich.

A: I called them.  Asks if their pastrami is lean or fatty.  “Mostly lean,” he said.  I said “That’s a bad answer.”  He sighed and said, “That’s the true answer.”   Sorry, won’t be trying it.  

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Q: A story that falls under the category of "Yes, this actually happened." One of my neighbors invited another neighbor to church. Feeling awkward, yet not wanting to be rude, the invitee agreed to attend a service. Turns out the service was in the first neighbor's house. Yep, a home church. And the invitee was the only non-household member there. Awkward indeed. What takes the cake for me, though, is what happened toward the end of the service. After sitting in the living room reading Bible passages, praying, reflecting, etc., the host...passed around a collection plate. 

A: Superior tale.  Speaking of chutzpah. 

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Q:  There doesn't appear to be a way to watch the “God Made Trump” vid without agreeing to cookies from Truth Social, so I won't.  But I take your word for it that it has to be seen to be believed!

A: Here it is.  Start at the 18-second mark.  

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Q: I had thought that early on (and not as much later) our respected judges had gotten a little too excited about entries that would have not made it past the Post prudes. But looking through past contests, I was reminded of what I am pretty sure is my favorite ink this year. Mark Raffman’s caption for Picture G in Week 6: He regretted having used his third wish to “get my junk inside a little pussy.”  So I am just as crude as the next gal. (And I don’t want to debate if that is more or less crude than the next guy.)

A: An excellent entry.  It was a caption to this art, of a cat stealing something:  

Another worthy revolting entry was to the same art, by Dottie Gray:

“No, no – you were supposed to draw Cock Robin!”

There have been others. In a contest for coming up with “Am I the asshole” letters, by Jon Gearhart: 

“I guess I have a talent for rearranging the letters of people's names into funny anagrams, and like to share them with the subjects. But at the 20th-anniversary tribute dinner for my boss, I joked that "Dick F. Putterheus" anagrams to "The Stupid Fucker" and there was this awkward silence. AITA?”  

Yes, we are clearly free of The Washington Post, which still occasionally will change the word "ass" to "[butt]" in a quote.  

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Q: Villains in the story of the death of truth: Ronald Reagan (spit,) who presided over the death of the Fairness Doctrine; Rupert Murdoch, who saw that lying to rubes for money was now openly permitted; Steve Bannon "flooding the zone with shit"; Chris Rufo publicly stating 'here's the new manufactured boogeyman I'm going to sell to the rubes, and how we'll use it to hurt people' and then doing it; etc etc etc…

A: Henry Ford, with the Protocols of the Elders of Zion.   And of course, now, apparently Mr. Dick Stroker. 

Q: Wait a minute. You cited Cleveland as an example of a president who won three consecutive elections. His terms were not consecutive.

A: This was in context of Mr. Strocher’s claim, which suggests Trump “won” in 2020.   By that loose  definition, Cleveland (and Jackson) fit the mold.   Cleveland won in 1884, lost to Harrison in 1888, and then won in  1892.  But he also won the popular vote against Harrison.  So, three.   Jackson also fits the definition: He won the popular vote against John Quincy Adams the first time he ran, but was done in by a dirty political conspiracy. 

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Q: Here’s an aptonym I found today from the 6th paragraph of this article.   “Buontempo” is Italian for “good weather.” 

A: Nice.  

Q: You have stated that your opinion is the authoritative determination of whether something is funny. Well, step aside. NPR reporter Jad Sleiman was fired because of his sideline as a comic; Philadelphia station WHYY said he violated their policy that "employees must take care that their postings cannot be interpreted as inflammatory, unethical or illegal." An arbitrator interpreted this rule to mean that employees can't "post anything on social media that could conceivably be interpreted as inflammatory even by highly sensitive and thin-skinned individuals without an appreciation for irony or satire." The arbitrator reviewed each of his jokes. The verdict? Joke 1: "a powerful condemnation, in a funny way," Joke 2: "somewhat amusing" Joke 3: “simply funny.” Joke 4, however: "not very funny.”   Still, overall they were good enough for him to win the case and get his job back. 

(https://www.vice.com/en/article/m7b4nq/fired-comedian-ordered-to-get-day-job-back-after-jokes-ruled-simply-funny)

A: This is revolting and I’m glad he got his job back.  His bosses are cover-your-ass cowards, the sort of people who assault vendors in the street in order to commandeer the stand so they can dunk their genitals in the hot dog water.  (Adapted from a line in Last Week Tonight, Jon Oliver’s show.).

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This is Gene. Have you seen “American Fiction.” Were you as disappointed as I was? I expected biting satire, but got nibbling satire under a goopy story of family relationships. Good end, though.

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Q: I leave The Gene Pool open on a tab in my iPad browser because Substack finds it difficult to believe it’s ever heard of me. Your posting of a vast Viking log reminded me that I thought you might enjoy knowing that the tab on my browser always says “The Gene Poo.”  —Scott Finley

A: Others have told me this!

Q: Regarding the need to find a catcher who can handle an elite MLB pitcher:  Red Sox reliever Kenley Jansen was originally drafted as a catcher.  He's not the only former catcher who has made the transition to pitching, although I'm not aware of any others currently playing in the majors.

A: Well, there you have it.  The team WILL have a pitcher who can catch.  AND he’s a good pitcher.  I think Boswell might have nailed it when he said the pitchers will win.

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Q:  Pitchers vs catchers. You have to assume the pitchers can’t hit at all while the catchers 

would have trouble pitching. Most catchers do have good arms and could probably get pitches over the plate for the pitchers to not hit.  Assuming the best pitchers in baseball are used, the catchers would only hit a little, but they would hit more than the pitchers would. 

After this cogent analysis, my vote goes to the catchers by a little in a snooze fest. 

A: I agree on the snooze fest.  I think it would be a very low scoring game.  Top of the inning: Great pitchers, average hitters.  Bottom of the inning:  Mediocre pitchers, less-than-mediocre hitters. 

Q: Regarding Truth Decay: People *are* being told the truth. Trouble is, they prefer to believe the conflicting non-truth that most closely adheres to their personal beliefs.

A: Good point. 

Q:  As I thought about the sizes of the pools of catchers and pitchers, another test came to me, also baseball.

Manager C can choose a roster of players from current MLB rosters, with the restriction that only one player can be chosen per MLB franchise.

Manager D can choose a roster of the same size, with no restrictions on number of players per team, but only after Manager C has finished picking a team.

Who would win between the team C (best players on their teams) and team D (best players remaining, regardless of team)?

A: I just love and admire the thought you put into this.  Take your meds.

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Q: Bum Phillips once said of Coach Bear Bryant that “ he could take his’n and beat your’n and then take your’n and beat his’n.” If the Super Bowl was made a two game series based on aggregate scoring but the coaches had to flip teams after the first game, would outcomes change much from the current single game format?  – Jon Ketzner 

A: I have no idea, but my suspicion is that the team that lost the first will win the second, regardless of coaches.  Playing two games in a row is an advantage to the losing team in the first game, b/c they will have a better idea of which problems to correct. 

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Q: Regarding the tunnels discovered in NY, I was perusing the social media for commentary because I knew it would be hiilarious. My favorite was "Everyone relax, it's just the Teenage Jewish Ninja Turtles." I'd give appropriate credit but I can't find the comment any longer but 'twas not mine.

A: Someone also proposed a play on the Tell-Tale Hear. “The Yentl Heart.”

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This is Gene. Judging from the poll results so far, you guys are a bunch of Goody Too Shoeses. Clapclap, I guess.

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Q: Catchers can hit and catch and throw and are the on-field brains of a baseball team. Pitchers today are short-service specialists who bat like little girls. Catchers can throw lasers from home plate to second base, squatting and unable to use their legs for power. They’ll easily be able to pitch to those weak-stick hurlers. Most pitchers can barely field their own position. They might be able to fake some outfield duty but no way can they play infield against major league hitters. And playing catcher? Forgeddaboutit. And what makes many pitchers successful? Their catchers. Wait until a pitcher shakes off the pitch call of another pitcher serving as his catcher. Oh the bitchiness. This game will be a total smack down by the catchers. Toyota vs. an Albanian bicycle factory. No contest.

A: This was my initial opinion, too.  Boswell made me at least slightly reconsider.

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Q: On the old question of male/female differences: Wow, Gene, you're venturing out into a minefield here, so let me join you in peril. I believe there are NUMEROUS built-in differences between the sexes, other than the obvious. My wife agrees. She is forever telling me that there are many things I can't possibly understand .... because I am male. Today we were discussing our coming attendance at a baby shower for a friend, which led to a discussion about the sociological implications of men only/women only events.  Baby showers, as you know, were at one time for women only. Living dangerously, I opined that it was no more acceptable to exclude men from such functions as it had been to exclude women from McSorley's Old Ale House in New York City. But her point was that men couldn't possibly understand, for example, a discussion on labor pains.  I replied that women at McSorley's would be offended by male topics of discussion as well.

A: I think men can intuitively understand labor pains, and birth.  I once described both in The Hypochondriac’s Guide to Life.  And Death, as a primer for men:  “Think of it as trying to poop a rocking chair.”

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Q: Re men vs women on the toilet: What do people with healthy bowels do in there for so long? I understand people read or use their phones, but do they flush first or just casually sit for a while over their poop water? I've tried reading in the bathroom, but one paragraph in and I'm finished with my dump and ready to get off the toilet. I am a woman, by the way. 

A: I think I remain for a while after the needed action, reading what I am reading, reveling in the privacy.  But there is a psychological aspect, too. It creates the illusion of an ongoing process, so others feel you are using your time productively, as it were. . 

Q:  I refused to answer the Gene Pool Gene Poll on types of Invitational humor we prefer because preferring any ONE of those qualities (even by a little bit) would be detrimental to the spirit of the Invitational. ALL of them are valuable, and I prefer the sets of results that contain some of each of them, without becoming redundant by concentrating on one type of humor.

A: Understand, but the reality of judging is that in the final cutting, Pat and I are often debating which of two to trim, and they embody colliding types of humor.  Often, funny versus clever.  Preferences figure in. 

Q: What are the dumbest questions you ever got in the Gene Poll Q&A? Ones that were far too dumb to answer?

A: We had one last week!!   Someone created a proposition and asked for comment.  The proposition was that what if in the 2024 election, you vote for Trump as the lesser of two evils?  I said it was an stupid and absurd premise, and a false equivalency.  

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Q: I am a huge baseball fan and could not agree more regarding Tom Boswell, so the questions (and particularly the answers) were a huge treat.

Now, on the same day, a conundrum: my team the Nationals announced that their winter "hot stove" event for season plan holders will be on the same day at the exact same hours as the loser potluck. What's a Loser to do? What would you do?

A: I would do what I felt The Almighty wanted me to do, but Pat has another take:.  

“ NO PROBLEM.  The Loser party runs for 4 1/2 hours -- 1 to 5:30 -- and is walking distance from the Metro.   You can hit both!  RSVP at  bit.ly/loserparty2024 ; anyone who's a Gene Pool reader is welcome!”

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This is Gene. I am hereby declaring us Down. I implore you to send in comments and observations if you can search and find a glorious orange button somewhere. I will give ink to the best of them next week.

Here’s a less glorious but sacred orange button. It divests you of a small amount of cash.