Invitational Week 53: Dead Letters, our annual obit poem contest
Write a funny verse about someone who died in 2023. Plus a Kook's Tour of new material from lots of previous contests.
Hello. Today, we bring you the Invitational Gene Pool, of course, but first, a Gene Pool Gene Poll. Startlingly, this one will actually have some relevance to today’s main event. Ready?
Obviously, humor is complicated, and efforts to deconstruct why it works or does not work are usually tedious and inimical to the concept of “funny.” But that is what we are going to ask you to do. If you were the final judge of the Invitational, the Big Kahuna, which of these qualities would you value above the others — even if just by a bit?
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Now to the Invitational, where we practice these very dark arts.
In memory of the creator of both Mad Fold-Ins and “Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions.”
You ask Al Jaffee if he is dead.
He yells “NO!” all testy and curt --
"I'm just in bed! A flower bed!
It’s comfy here, under the dirt.”
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For Invitational Week 53: Write a witty rhyming poem of no longer than eight lines about someone who died in 2023. Here’s a list of eighty notable ex-beings that might help you, but you can Google “deaths 2023” and do your own research; winners of the Darwin Awards have inspired numerous Invite tributes over the years. And you should also check out the obit poems that got ink a year ago in our first Invite contest on Substack.
Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to bit.ly/inv-form-53. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form.
Deadline is Saturday, Jan. 13, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Jan. 18.
The winner gets — as befitting this solemn exercise — this dog-hindquarters-motif toothpaste dispenser; just push it over an open tube of toothpaste and squeeze it out the butt.
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Hey, we’d like your questions and observations, which we will respond to today in real time. Send them to this grotesque orange button:
Back in the Pool: Another go at 24 contests from ’23
In Week 51, we invited you to enter or reenter any or all of The Invitational’s contests from the first half of 2023, everything from one-liners to neologisms to cartoon captions to elaborate song parodies.
Third runner-up: From Week 16, “breed” two racehorse names and name the “foal”:
Eastbound x There Be Dragons = Westbound! (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.)
Second runner-up: From Week 6, captions for any of seven varied pictures:
Sheila stepped up her search for the elusive purple peephole eater. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)
First runner-up: From Week 9, use all the letters in a movie title to name a new movie:
DIRTY DANCING > DANG! GRANNY CAN GRIND IT!: Baby’s bubbe enrolls in hora lessons at the retirement home, and is an instant hit! (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)
And the winner of the 2024 calendar Dogs Pooping in Beautiful Places:
From Week 10, to enter any contest from 1993:
Divide the world into two types of people:
Bold, iconoclastic freethinkers, and
People who play “adieu” as their first Wordle word.
(Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase Md.)
Rediddly-squat: Honorable mentions
From Week 1, poems about people who died in 2022
Robert J. Vlasic (1926-2022)
As a connoisseur of things preserved
For people that his business served
Mr. Vlasic would no doubt be tickled
To know if his remains were pickled.
(Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)
David Riston (1972-2022), snake collector:
A house that’s full of pets is nice,
But full of snakes? He paid the price.
He wouldn’t settle for a score;
He bought one hundred twenty-four.
He then sequestered every snake,
But all it took was one mistake.
They finally found him — poisoned. (Gasp!)
And was he dead? You bet your asp.
(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)
From Week 4, Questionable Journalism: Choose a sentence from an article or ad, then follow it with a question it might humorously answer.
Real sentence: A: The city prohibits begging in that area under an ordinance from 2010.
Q: Why were Capitol Police officers called to the House floor during Kevin McCarthy’s run for Speaker? (Judy Freed)
A: The llamas were dressed in a reindeer theme with antler headbands, glittery halters with tinkling bells and poinsettia-adorned wreaths.
Q: Mr. Santos, did you have pets when you lived in Brazil? (Judy Freed)
A: “We still had a lot of fun. It’s not like it ruined the day.”
Q: “Mr. Trump, sir, do you regret the violence that followed your January 6th speech?” (Judy Freed)
Week 5, a “circle of hell” and a punishment to fit the crime
For people who use “funny” names at Starbucks: “There’s a Get Out of Hell ticket here for Mr. Jack Meehauf. Sorry, that’s obviously a fake name. Next!” (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)
People who put pineapple on their pizzas will reside in a circle of Hell where George Will is eternally explaining that the pineapple (from neither a pine tree nor an apple) is not a product of European colonization and oppression, but is actually, somewhat counterintuitively but also quite clearly, an outgrowth of mid-19th-century socialist proposals to reorganize European colonialist economic systems. (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio)
Week 8, “pokes,” old jokes told as rhyming poems
“You’re saying the bank’s turned me down for a loan?”
The stunned tightrope walker let loose a deep groan.
The banker’s explanation was barely comprehended:
“When your balance is outstanding, credit cannot be extended.” (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)
When she said she was leaving him, he tried to smile.
He asked her why, and she said that she’d been told
That he was twice convicted as a pedophile.
Said he, “That’s a mighty big word for a twelve-year-old.”
(Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.)
The thing that’s best about the Swiss?
I can’t be sure, but maybe this:
Their flag? And if it isn’t thus,
It’s still at least a great big plus.
(Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)
Fella calls his wife late one Sunday eve.
”Sorry, honey, I’m staying with my old friend Steve.”
“No problem,” she coos, “it’s perfectly all right” —
And then says to her lover as he pushes in tight,
“My husband is staying at your house tonight.”
(Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)
A man with a frog at a bar
Made a claim that was rather bizarre.
He said, “Not to sound classless or shady,
But my trained frog can please any lady.”
He turned to a lass on his left,
Said his frog, as a lover, was deft.
She guffawed and said, “Ha. Fat chance.”
He replied, “No, he’s good at romance.”
She then saucily told him to prove it,
And unbuttoned her skirt to remove it.
She lay down on the wooden bar counter
And waited for Froggie to mount her.
The frog did nothing but croak.
He made nary an effort to poke.
The man told the frog, “Do your thing.
Have a fun romp, an amorous fling.
Get up there and do as you may —
She’s waiting for your big display.”
But the frog continued to loll,
And the man, with a measure of gall,
Said, “Miss, he forgot how to score.
Would you mind if I show him once more?”
(Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)
Week 9, use all the letters in a movie title to name a new movie
Top Gun > Go Up on Pot: A Navy jet pilot feels the need — the need for weed. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)
The Shining > The Insight: A movie star realizes he may have been overacting, just a little. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)
Animal House > A House Minus Assholes: Congress adjourns and leaves town for the holidays. (Mark Raffman)
Aladdin > Did Anal: An adult film of a lad in a lad. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)
Home Alone 2: Lost in New York > Lost in New York! Lost in the West! Lost All! No Term 2! Now, the Law! Trump ruminates as he watches TV. (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.)
Week 10, enter any contest from our first year, 1993
Finish this joke: A nun, a rabbi and an atheist are taking a tour of the White House … and Trump is there to greet them.
He says to the nun, “How come your outfit hides your gams?”
He says to the rabbi, “What’s with the funny hat?”
And he says to the atheist, “Why don’t you believe in me?” (Leif Picoult)
Divide the world into two types of people:
Women who keep their big fat mouths shut, and
Women who aren’t my type. – D.J.T. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)
Rename the Washington Redskins: The Virginia Commanders (Jeff Contompasis)
Ideas for statues: A one-foot Donald Trump statue labeled “World’s Tallest Statue.” (Leif Picoult)
Modernize an old quote or expression: I coulda been a contender. I coulda … had a participation trophy! (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)
Modernize an old quote or expression: I cried because I had no shoes until I met a man … wearing Crocs. (Lee Graham)
Week 11, a picture made by the Dall-E AI tool
The Darth Side of the Moon (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)
Week 12, Mess With Our Heads: “Bank headlines” that reinterpret real headlines
Real headline: 9 Predictions for how we’ll eat in 2024
Bank head: Top forecast: chewing, then swallowing (Karen Lambert)
Week 14, make up new words using letter sets from the NYT Spelling Bee game
PADINOT > Opiñata: A thin-skinned pundit who falls apart as soon as critics take a crack at him. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)
PILNORU > Pro Rip: Competition category in the World Flatulence Invitational (Stu Segal, Southeast U.S.)
LCEMOPT > Loptop: A guillotine. (Neil Kurland)
Week 15, snappy answers to stupid questions
Q: Sir, have you been drinking?
A: Yes, but I didn’t inhale. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)
Q. Is that your baby?
A. No, it’s my mom. She had a time travel mishap. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)
Week 16, “breed” two listed racehorses and name the foal to refer to both names
Fleet Feet x Point Proven = P.D.Q.E.D. (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.; Chris Doyle)
Auguste Rodin x Low Expectations = The Gates of Heck (Perry Beider, Silver Spring, Md.)
Justice Department x Miracle Worker = Felon Keller (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)
Ready Shakespeare x Litigate = Exit, Sued by Bear (Jonathan Paul)
Top Recruit x Escalation = Hire and Higher (Eric Nelkin)
Blocked x Alternate Reality = Milk of Amnesia (Judy Freed)
Hit Show x Infinite Series = Magnum, Pi (Jesse Frankovich)
Yellow Brick x Fleet Feet = Auntie Enema (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)
Ben Franklin x Stormy Entry = 1,300 Benjamins (Mark Raffman)
Week 18, “breed” two inking entries from Week 16 to name a “grandfoal”
The Three Scrooges x Porn to Run = The Three Splooges (Jesse Frankovich)
USS Constipation x Storm Suer = Restraining Ordure (Jeff Contompasis)
Fonzie Scheme x Hanky Panky = Hump the Shark (Neal Starkman, Seattle)
Week 19, write song parody lyrics that are “sung” by a certain politician
Donald Trump sings his 2023 Christmas message.
(To “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas”)
Have yourself a merry fucking Christmas, ring your jingle bell,
While I pray you radicals will rot in hell.
Have yourself a merry fucking Christmas, sing your happy tunes
While we lose our nation to you lefty loons.
[Bridge] Here we are — Biden’s lazy years,
Crooked, crazy years gone by.
Faithful fans who are dear to me
Will adhere to me or possibly die (of natural causes).
Soon enough, I’ll be back in the White House — doesn’t matter how.
And Jack Smith can take his final bullshit bow.
And have yourself a merry fucking Christmas now. (Judy Freed)
I’ll Be Trumpier the Second Time Around
To (Love Is Lovelier) “The Second Time Around”
Written and performed by Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore
I'll be Trumpier the second time around,
And my enemies I’ll run into the ground.
On Election Day there’s nothing we won’t do,
If the ballot box won’t favor us, we'll win it in a coup.
When America returns to being great,
You will love it in my autocratic state.
Who can say what miracles might happen once I’m crowned?
There are those who say
We still have laws in play.
They won’t get in my way …
The second time around.
Week 20, clerihews about current events
Senator Josh Hawley
Has strong views on how men should be manly, by gawly—
Though, when a right-wing mob is advancing, this particular man who fears for his butt’ll
Ignominiously scuttle. (Duncan Stevens)
Week 24, tweak an ad slogan to use it for another product
You’ll love the way we fly: Delta Airlines
You’ll love the way we fry: Prison systems of Alabama, Florida, Kentucky, and Tennessee (Kevin Dopart)
Celebrate the Moments of Your Life: General Foods.
Celebrate the Movements of Your Life: Colace Stool Softener. (Chris Doyle)
Week 25, change one or more letters in a word to F
Mofotonous: Like some rap lyrics. (Tom Witte)
And Last: Anagrams for people or institutions:
The letters of THE INVITATIONAL LOSERS
rearrange to HAVE NOSTRILS IN A TOILET (Chris Doyle)
And Even Laster: Bank headlines
Headline: Fun Is Dead
Bank head: ‘We made a promise when we killed The Style Invitational, and we’ve kept it!’ Post editors say (Richard Wexler, Alexandria, Va.)
The headline “Back in the Pool” is by Jon Ketzner; Jesse Frankovich wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.
Still running — deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Jan. 6: Our Week 52 contest to enter any of 25 contests from the past half-year. Click on the link below.
Here comes the real-time segment. If you are reading this in real time, please keep refreshing your screen so you can see your observations and Gene’s responses. The subjects today are heavy with observations of male-female differences, the tax on stupidity, and, surprisingly, whether “alright” is all right.
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Q: Have you heard any great aptonyms lately, Gene?
A: I’m glad you asked, even if I am the one to send this question in. Yes, just this week I read an aptonym that gave me a thrill right up and down the inside of my thigh. This happens infrequently, and only when I am delivered an aptonym so great that I think it might someday be in the pantheon of The Five Greatest Aptonyms Ever. This line appeared in the New York Times, which, unsurprisingly, missed the Real Story, as all aptonymetricians would understand. I will truncate the quote so only the essentials remain:
“Adam Fee, a lawyer for Mr. Menendez, said Tuesday … “
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Q: Have you seen any dreadfully pompous newspaper writing lately, Gene?
A: Yes, I submitted this question to myself as well. As it happens, I recently stumbled across a column from October in the New York Times. It is by Ross Douche hat. Douthat.
This was the lede of his column:
In the debate about whether to take the woke version of progressivism seriously as a revolutionary ideology or whether to regard it primarily as a kind of performative intra-elite signaling, the “land acknowledgment” phenomenon has always loomed as the strongest exhibit for the it’s-all-just-performance case.
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Q: Care to comment on the fact that the McDonald’s Happy Meal that is getting a ton of publicity is aimed at adults?
A: I believe it is the second sponsored Adult Happy Meal McDonald’s has offered, both at Christmas season. This one is linked with Harlem-born artist Kerwin Frost. The Happy Meal offers your choice of McNuggets or a Big Mac, with fries, a soft drink, and a special McNugget Buddy collectible. Check them out. They are repulsive. You are paying about $3 for the toy.
So who does this? 1) A loving if misguided parent who is getting this meal so his or her kid can collect every distended, simpering homunculus in the set. Or, 2) An idiot who wants them him or herself. These are the same people who collect beanie babies, moist towelettes and airline barf bags. My guess is most live in square red states, plus Texas and Idaho.
Q: I learned “alright” as a kid. It seems to me to have declined since then, but is still legit.
A: The only way I can justify “Alright” is that Dylan spelled it that way in one of his greatest songs, “It’s Alright, Ma (I’m Only Bleeding.)“ At least he used the apostrophe correctly, and put in a comma where it was needed. He who isn’t busy being born is busy dying.
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Q: Regarding men versus women: I happen to believe the differences are sociological, but we can only measure them in the aggregate. If you were to graph individuals on an axis, “more masculine traits” on one side, “more feminine traits on the other”, I believe people of all genders would be across the entire spectrum, and that men would form a curved swell towards the masculine side and women a similar swell towards the feminine. And that the men would look at this graph and think “hey, that’s a nice set of tits”
A: I think you have summarized a complicated matter most succinctly.
Q: I was taught (long ago!) that "all right" is two words, but "alright" is okay with me today as long as it is used in the sense of "okay, satisfactory, in good shape." This has become an established usage, and since it has a different meaning from "all right" in the sense of "every one correct," the orthographic distinction is even useful. David Foster Wallace points out that language changes anyway, but we can distinguish changes that enrich the language from those that deplete it. If somebody writes, "He took the test and got the questions alright," meaning he scored 100%, I would be apoplectic. Just because language changes anyway doesn't mean we have to accept any way in which it changes.
A: Another impressively succinct explanation. If I weren’t such a hidebound, intransigent old fart, I’d agree.
Reminder: Send in questions / observations. I’ll address them in real time.
Q: So, flexible spending accounts were my stupid tax. I had always had a health savings account that would roll over and didn't understand the intricacies of a flex spending account which is use it or lose it every year. I figured this out on about... December 30th one year. I ran to amazon which had added a helpful button to just pull up all the things you could use with your flexible spending dollars. I did this. I stocked up on things we use anyway that counted like bandages, advil, and feminine hygiene products. A lot of it.
The PROBLEM is that amazon didn't actually deduct the money from the bank account until the order is filled. It was in those murky holiday days between Christmas and New Years and most of the stuff wasn't coming from Amazon but from third party sellers like medical supply companies. So, none of it hit my bank account until after Jan 1 (and the invoices showed the dates after Jan 1) AND to return most of it, I'd have had to pay return shipping and in some cases restocking fees since it didn't come from amazon. Only a few of the items made it in under the 12/31 deadline and the rest ended up coming out of my flex spending money for the next year. I was sorely irked. I didn’t end up spending my free money. Apparently there are some flex spending accounts that allow a grace period of a couple weeks. Mine was not one of those. Stupid tax...paid...with a 6-8 month supply of band-aids, Advil, and female hygiene products.
A: Flexible spending is a crap deal. Its business model relies on people being disorganized and muttonheaded, which people tend to be. It’s also how “automatic renewals” tend to work, with websites. People forget to cancel in time, and BAM. They’re stuck for another year.
Q: Here's my "third reason" for talking about possible female/male differences : it's not true that every difference is a difference between better and worse (though a [male] friend of mine once asserted it was), we ought not to take for granted that it is. Difference is just difference, and different variations can each have their own value. Under this approach, paying attention to what the differences are is generally going to illuminate our understanding of the world. Which is a good thing. My research *ahem ahem* suggests, in fact, that a key difference between the integrated and the authoritarian personality (which is NOT strictly a left/right distinction) is, in fact, between appreciating difference and being freaked out by it. I'm sorry this submission is not more funny.
A: Here’s how to make it funnier. It’s a formula Barry and I invented years ago: Put the funniest word at the end of a sentence.. I am rewriting your paragraph:
Here's my "third reason" for talking about possible female/male differences underpants: It's not true that every difference is a difference between better and worse (though a [male] friend of mine once asserted it was), we ought not to take for granted that it is tushie. Difference is just difference, and different variations can each have their own value pantaloons. Under this approach, paying attention to what the differences are is generally going to illuminate our understanding of the world seersucker. Which is a good thing crotch. My research *ahem ahem* suggests, in fact, that a key difference between the integrated and the authoritarian personality (which is NOT strictly a left/right distinction) is, in fact, between appreciating difference and being freaked out by it nostril. I'm sorry this submission is not more funny titular.
Q: I have always thought of this as the Self-Defeating Neurosis Tax, but Stupidity certainly works. No matter how many times over the course of my (getting pretty long these days) life I've learned that letting mail stack up without opening it is Stupid and Self-Defeating and Leads to Trouble, I go right ahead and resume this idiotic practice despite ample and repeated evidence that opening the goddamn mail when it comes is the Non-Moronic thing to do. Bills unpaid, checks undeposited, all kinds of nasty stuff (almost always but not exclusively financial): no amount of experience in this vein seems adequate to teach me this lesson in any useful way.
I'm like a rat in an experiment that won't push the lever to see whether it dispenses treats or electric shocks. I just sit in the corner of my cage pretending the lever isn't there.
A: This reminds me. I love and hate GPS. I love it for its convenience. I hate it because we are like rats in a maze. We never rise above the map to see where we are or where we are going. We never use maps. We blindly follow turn-now, street-by-street directions. We have lost our sense of place and location. I haven’t a clue where the Occoquan is, or the John Hanson Highway, or Newington. I scurry block by block, depending on what She tells me to do, in pursuit of the cheese.
Q: The term ‘professional woman’ just flips my jib. First, it’s my understanding that if you are a ‘professional’, it means you make your living by way of X. Professional baseball player, professional juggler, etc., as opposed to the hobby or amateur type. So, to me, a ‘professional woman’ is a hooker, a prostitute. In addition, I think it’s used by women in a snobbish way—“I’m a professional woman, not a grocery store clerk or other blue collar job.” Whenever a woman describes herself as a ‘professional woman’, I nod my head in admiration and say, “very brave of you to say that.”
A: Noted. And you are right.
Q: The stupid tax is those rich people driving Teslas who decide that fines from traffic cameras are fees they can pay to not have to obey traffic laws. "Hey, are you saying I can speed all I want if I just pay the $75 bills the cameras send me? Well I'm Richy McRich so why not?" And yet that kind of fine can devastate a poor person and mean they don't eat or don't make rent or something. A fine is a price for the rich, indeed. Why can't we do like Finland and have income-based fines to those rich jerkasses pay $1 million fines for speeding in their richmobile?
A: It is true that speed camera tickets are a regressive tax. And the wealth criterion seems no less fair than tax brackets. So I am with you.
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Q: Is it an aptonym that, of the 32 NHL teams, Cam Fowler plays for the Anaheim Ducks?
A: It’s kind of weak. However, I see that he fouls a lot – above average number of penalties – so that might push him over the top.
Q: Your story about interviewing someone with the same name as you and finding out how much you had in common despite vast differences reminds me of something that happened to my dad when I was a kid. At the time, my synagogue was looking for a new rabbi, and since my dad was active in the congregation, someone on the search committee decided to call him up and get his thoughts. This being the 90s, she looked him up in the phone book. "Hello," she asked. "Is this so-and so?" Indeed it was. "I'm so-and-so from the rabbi search committee. I'm wondering if you have any thoughts on what you're looking for in a candidate." And indeed he did have some thoughts.
They talked for a while on what they were looking for, and at the end, she said "Send my best to Nancy and the kids." "Who is Nancy?' "Your wife." "No, no, my wife's name is Susan." "But I thought you said you were so-and-so." "I am." Turns out there was another person with my dad's name in the phone book and she had called him instead.
But there was one more question that still vexed her. At the beginning, she had introduced herself as being from the rabbi search committee. Shouldn't that have been a sign she had the wrong person, given he didn't go to our synagogue, and in fact was not even Jewish? "Well, my church is looking for a new minister, I thought you were joking."
A: Nice.
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Q: I said yes, there is a difference between men and women, which I believe is largely cultural but which I observe constantly. Women (in general) seem to be able to keep a running list of what needs doing in order to keep a household together, and we are acculturated to do it.
For example, my husband, a generous, kind and intelligent guy, will go to the grocery store and bring home the exact ingredients for one dinner, along with a random assortment of stuff he noticed on the shelves. He will not, however, have noticed that we were out of milk, nor does he keep the running list of things we ALWAYS need: peanut butter, tortillas, tea, onions.
I believe this is deeply embedded in childhood roles, and the fact that there always just happens to be peanut butter (which I don’t eat) in the cupboard. How does that happen? Magic!
Women spend a great deal of time and effort keeping things running smoothly. At work and at home. And much of this goes unnoticed until by some terrible accident there is no peanut butter.
I will take my lumps, but I stand by my observation (again, in general).
A: I think this is best exemplified by this: Studies have shown that women, in general, spend much less time using the toilet. There are things to get done! They seldom bring in reading material. Men do.
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Q: I stopped copying my user name since I see it above in this form, but I still do not know if you still need it. Anyway, I have never liked food too hot with peppers to eat. Pain is not a flavor to me. I once thought those who said they liked it were lying. So those who said you should like Indian food were off base. No accounting for taste. None at all. I like Roquefort cheese on French bread.
A: Noted. But — for the googolth time, if you want your name used in the post, you must put it in the BODY of the post. The fact that your name is in the prompt does not help us at all. We don’t see the prompt.
Q: Although I think a lot of it was crap, there were some insights from "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus" that I liked. For example, it helped me realize that my request style was very different from my husband's.
I say: Would you like to help me make the guest list for our daughter's birthday party?
He hears: Does this sound like a fun activity to you? and he responds, "No." I get mad that he's not being helpful.
Me, revised: I'm going to make the guest list for our daughter's birthday party.. Please help me.
Him: OK.
Do I like translating from my style to his? No. Do I feel his way is kind of jerky and my way is more gentle and polite? Yes. But these are the roads we navigate in a marriage. --Marisa
A: What kinda silly roads do men have to navigate in a marriage? Here’s one: NEVER suggesting that a spouse is being too emotional, or is exaggerating the importance of a problem, even if she is. ALWAYS uncomplainingly eat whatever vegetables she puts before you.
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Q: I cannot understand why the despotic rulers of this feature would seriously want to ENCOURAGE participants to complain about the printed results. This sort of spoiled brat behavior is something we have learned to expect from elected leaders, but not from civilized adults. For (over!) thirty years now, the Invitational has been ruled with an iron fist of a tyrant. We have learned to accept this, and just move on. There’s no reason to change this now.
A: I will point out that, once again, the losers are not debating among themselfs. Why should they? Because it is fun. A debate is not a complaint.
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Q: My story of sexual awakening reflects how social conditioning can be baked in long before innate desires kick in. I (female, late 30s) started crushing on boys in kindergarten, all the way up through early grad school. By college I had started to wonder about sex with women, but the stigma of coming out kept those thoughts abstract for years. Therapy in my late 20s helped me realize I'd had a lifelong pattern of being impressed with (and therefore attracted to) men who were good at things I wanted to be good at, vs. actually wanting a romantic relationship with them. I had tried and always gotten squirrelly. So then I switched to dating women, found the emotional and physical intimacy to be a much better fit, and now am happily married to one. I will be forever grateful for the guidance that helped me admit a key part of myself to myself and others. I needed it to find the signal through the noise.
A: I agree with you on the superiority of women.
Q: I have, more than once, paid to get my money from a bank other than the one where I keep my money, that is, the other bank charged me a fee, something like $3.50 fee for withdrawing $100. Of my money. Stupid. Even more so when I saw a branch of my bank a couple of blocks later.
A: I don’t worry about small amounts of money, and will happily pay $3.50 to avoid walking two blocks to my bank. That’s MY stupid tax.
Q: Of course the sexes think differently. About almost everything. Don't believe it? Do a blind test, where each participant answers questions about money, or child raising, or whatever, without revealing gender, until the responses are tallied. Statistically, they will fall into two groups, with very little overlap, one guys, one dolls. Guaranteed.
A: Ooh, this reminds me of something. Go on Twitterx, and randomly look at 100 bios. You will find that roughly 85 percent of all people who include some food preference or dislike in their bio … are women.
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Q: On at least one occasion I have paid a Stupid Tax by clicking on the wrong calendar date when purchasing tickets on line for a play or concert. The heftiest tax was for a performance where I paid for a date one week before the date I thought I had paid for, then realized my mistake in time to buy four more tickets to see the performance we missed the week before.
A: This is the template for – the Platonic Ideal of – all Stupid Taxes.
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Q: I wanted to make sure that all D.C. area fans of The Invitational -- players and just-readers -- know about the upcoming Loser Post Holiday Party potluck on Saturday afternoon, Jan. 27, at a house in Chevy Chase, Md., walking distance from the Metro. Very informal, not a lot of ceremony, a few Loser-penned song parodies, but mostly just eating and schmoozing. Bring anything you'd like to eat/drink and share. We want to get a head count to know how many chairs to have, etc., so please RSVP on the form at bit.ly/loserparty2024 . Thanks -- the Empress
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With that, I copy us down. See you all on the weekend. PLEASE KEEP SENDING IN Questions and Observations, right here. They will be answered soon.
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Also, now is the time to become a paid member of the Gene Pool. Psst: The fee is going to rise next week from $4.15 a month to $415 a month.
Re: the grocery store difference. Who cooks in the house? My husband does all the cooking and therefore has always done almost all of the grocery shopping, because he wants to see what
looks good or is on sale so he can make it. He also knows what we need. However I am not the opposite, I know what we need too—except for things like spices, broths etc that I rarely touch.
Aptonym: Adam Driver stars in ‘Ferrari.’
Al Lubran
Rockville, MD