The Invitational Week 21: Get Real, Reel.

A new contest to wring truth out of fiction — film, literature, or TV. Plus winning parodies of politicians bragging or kvetching through song.

Romantic to you, perhaps, but how about to the dogs? See today’s contest.

But before we get to the Invitational, as we are wont to do — here is a brief one-question poll.

Okay, now Week 21: Get Me Rewrite

By Gene Weingarten

Have you ever revisited a favorite work of fiction from your youth, only to discover, with crushing disappointment, that it doesn’t hold up? This happened to me the other day with “Casey at the Bat,” that cautionary drama of baseball, hubris, and the frailty of hope, doled out in flawless mock-heroic iambic heptameter. As poetry, it’s still good. But as baseball, uh-uh.

You remember the story: Ninth inning, the Mudville Nine behind by two runs and down to their last out. Improbably, transcending their mediocrity, the inept Flynn and the despised Blake come through with a single and double, bringing the mighty Casey up to bat with runners on second and third. Women cheer, men shout, tongues applaud, etc. The imperious batsman takes the first two pitches for strikes, then hacks and whiffs at the third, famously leaving no joy in Mudville.

Lame, lame, lame. Sure, the visiting team got lucky, but by using hopelessly old-school strategy. That’s no way to manage in the modern era. To make any sense today — to give the poem even a shred of verisimilitude — I had to rewrite
the end:

Oh, somewhere men are laughing,
And the ladies gaily talk,
But the game drones on in Mudville,
Mighty Casey — the best hitter on the team coming to the plate with the game on the line, a two-run deficit and first-base open — drew an intentional walk.

So for Week 21: Name a scene in a movie, a TV show, or literature, and tell us how it might be revised (perhaps less satisfyingly but far more realistically) as in the rewritten lines above. A couple more examples:

— Instead of ending their spaghetti scene with a demure kiss, Lady and The Tramp smell each other’s butts.

— In “Casablanca,” Ilsa is delayed because the plane is boarding slowly by group numbers, so she and Rick are still on the ground and arrested when police arrive in time.

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to bit.ly/inv-form-21. As usual, you can submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same entry form. See the form for formatting instructions.

Deadline is Saturday, June 3, at 4 p.m. wherever you are. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, June 8. You need to be a paying subscriber to The Gene Pool to enter; to sign up, click on the “subscribe” or “upgrade” button above (just $5 for a month or $50/year).

This week’s winner gets a compact but colorful 2023 calendar depicting scenic outhouses. True, we’re halfway through the year, but hey, hang it up in your, uh, inhouse and you can use the old pages for, well … Donated by Dave Prevar.

Our double-use calendar, this week’s prize.

NEW! Since the Invitational left the cushy confines of The Washington Post with our limitedly unlimited expense account, the prizes we give the winner have been even crappier (see above) and the runners-up have gotten bupkis. We’ve sensed pouting, grumping, moping, and sulking among the ranks of the Losers.

Well, that’s all over now. We have figured out a way to sate you entitled ingrates. Runners-up now will get MONEY! The money will look like the two bills below, only there will be countless variations for you to collect, hoard, trade, sell on eBay and reap unconscionable profit, etc. They will come in many different denominations. The postage will cost us more than the bills themselves. Thanks to Jon Gearhart for the idea, Jeff Contompasis for the slogan. (Honorable mentions still get nothing, except for the famous Fir Stink for First Ink air “freshener” and a sweet email from the Empress.)

The results of Week 19 are below, but first, two paragraphs of boring but necessary boilerplate:

After the intro (which you are reading now), there will be some early questions and answers added on — and then Gene will keep adding them as the hour progresses and your fever for his opinions grows and multiplies and metastasizes.  To see those later Q&As, refresh your screen occasionally. 

As always, you can also leave comments. They’ll congregate at the bottom of the post, and allow you to annoy and hector each other and talk mostly amongst yourselves. Though we will stop in from time to time.

Silly .gov Songs: Politicians Voice their Feelings, from Week 19

In Invitational Week 19, inspired by the South Korean president’s rendition of “American Pie” at the White House, the Czar and Empress asked the Loser Community to “add a verse or two to a well-known song that a politician might humorously sing.” The results were exquisite. While we were expecting comically appropriate real-song titles, many of the Loserbards instead offered zingy puns on those titles and wrote parodies from there; you’ll see both kinds below. If you don’t know the tune, click on the link in the title to hear the original.

As always happens with with song parody contests, there are simply too many inkworthy ones to include in one list. Over the next few days, the Empress will share a few with a #parody hashtag in the Style Invitational Devotees Facebook group.

Third runner-up:  President Biden singing “Stayin’ Alive” to Donald Trump
Well, you can wail about the way I’m old and frail
Say I’m senile and that I should bail
But I’m still here, yessir, yup,
And I’m holding ground instead of pushing it up.
And I’m all right, I’m okay,
I only napped three times today
And in the end I will win,
I’ll make you eat more crow again

And even though I’m agin’, you’re the one that I’m upstagin’
By stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive.
Thought I’d kick the bucket but, Donnie, you can suck it
’Cause I’m stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive …
(Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) 

Second runner-up: Coal-lovin’ Sen. Joe Manchin sings “What a Wonderful World”
I see filthy mines
And smokestacks, too,
That belch out dough
For me (not you!)
And I say to myself,
“What a wonderful world!”
(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) 

First runner-up:  Rep. George Santos sings to House Speaker Kevin McCarthy, to  “Light My Fire”
Sure, everything I say’s untrue.
My pants have always been on fire.
Still, here’s what I ask of you:
Please just let my term expire.
Come on, Kevin, back this liar.
Come on, Kevin, back this liar.
One less vote: things could get dire.

Accused of stealing public funds,
I see a looming prison door.
But why should you expel my buns?
You can wait till 2024.
Come on, Kevin, back this liar,
Come on, Kevin, back this liar.
That’s the one thing I desire. 
Say you won’t make me retire!
(Duncan Stevens, Vienna Va.) 

And the winner of the mug from New York’s Algonquin Hotel, site of the legendary “Round Table” of humorists:
Ron DeSantis singing “She’s Always a Woman to Me”  to his supporters:
All the lefties are calling religion a joke
They would stomp on our faith for a faith I call “woke”
And they all will deny what you plainly can see:
If he’s born with a penis, he’s never a woman to me.  
[Bridge] Oh, if he puts on a dress where the children can see, we will make it a crime;
Oh, he will never get out! I will never give in! He’ll be doing hard time!

Not a thing he can do is enough to convince us,
And the last thing I want is one more Disney princess.
I will lead this great land to a theocracy:
If his genes are XY, then he’s never a woman to me.
(Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.)

Backup Zingers: Honorable Mentions

 “My Way,” as sung by George Santos
And now, the end is near
For my long trail of fabrication;
I've lived a life that’s grand,
At least in my imagination.
I could have told the truth
And sought my goals the honest-guy way;
That path was not my own:
I took the lie way.
(Perry Beider, Silver Spring, Md.) 

“Stouthearted Men” (from the 1928 song by Sigmund Romberg and Oscar Hammerstein II) as sung by Sen. Josh Hawley, author of the new book “Manhood: The Masculine Virtues America Needs” (lyrics, singing and video by Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

Joe Biden to the Republican Senate caucus:  (to Rihanna’s “Bitch Better Have My Money”)    
Mitch better have my money
Y’all should know me well enough
Mitch better have my money
Please don't call me on my bluff
Hey, don’t be so snarky.
Just sayin’, no malarkey.
Mitch, better have my money
C’mon man. I’m serious.
Like bro, bro, bro.
(Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

Putin to Wagner Group oligarch Yevgeny Prigozhin, who offered to tell troop locations to Ukraine, sung to “If I Only Had a Brain”
The ways are far too many
Of killing you, Yevgeny,
For plotting with Ukraine.
In my head I have been musin’
On a method we’ll be choosin’
That will make it look humane.

We won’t cook you on a griddle
Or slice you through the middle,
Or Novichok your brain.
No, the cost of your vainglory's
Falling ten, not forty stories,
To become a concrete stain.
(Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Sen. Dianne Feinstein sees the light (to “Sit Down, You’re Rockin’ the Boat” )
I’d planned to spend my whole term in California,
Far, far away from that old committee throng,
Then their calls came through: “Bad idea! We gotta warn ya!”
Yes, the senators, they knew right from wrong.

’Cause my colleagues all said, “Dianne, Dianne, you’re missin’ the vote.
No judges are gettin’ through — just watch Republicans gloat.
Now restoring judicial balance is a prospect ever so more remote.
Oh, man, Dianne, poop’s hit the fan! Dianne, you’re missin’ the vote.”  (Duncan Stevens)

Kevin McCarthy singing “Stayin’ Alive” to himself 
Well, you can tell by the way I lick all boots
I'm a desperate man, I’m in cahoots.
My support is thin, many Cons to please,
They’ll fire me if I dare sneeze.
And now it's all right, it's okay,
I’ve groveled every human way.
So just try to understand
I’m not the whip, but I’m whipped, man.

Craving power, brother, ’cause I’m a real mother,
I’m stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive.
My support is shakin’ after all the deals I’m makin’,
I’m stayin’ alive, staying’ alive . . .  
(Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Donald Trump sings “Be Our Guest”  to migrants at the border
Be our guest! Be our guest! Put our lawmen to the test!
Cross the river to our soil, Jose, you’re subject to arrest.
Have a seat in our cage — don’t you know it’s all the rage?
All your children, we will mind them (pray that later we can find them).
You should know you can't stay in the good old U.S.A.
For your country isn't sending us their best,
Though we would welcome legions of those white Norwegians,
Be our guest, si, our guest, be our guest. (Michael Stein) 

Lindsey Graham singing to Donald Trump a month after Jan. 6, 2021, to “Hopelessly Devoted to You”
The press is prayin’ you’ll forsake me,
They heard me sayin’, “Count me out, 
Enough is enough.” Not that you’d incited a coup!
I was totally misquoted ’bout you.

It’s absolution I need.
To my donors I will plead
Your coffers to fill.
Publicly full-throated I’ll spew
Every lie promoted by you.
I’m soullessly devoted to you.
(Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.) 

Kevin McCarthy sings about raising the debt ceiling, to  “More Than a Feeling”
I woke up this morning; IRS was gone.
Screwed over some students to start my day.
Clean-energy subsidies, all withdrawn.
If you’re on SNAP, oh, I’ll make you pay.
It’s more than a ceiling (more than a ceiling),
’Cause now Joe’s gotta do just what I say.
(This is appealing!) Look, now he’s kneeling!
This extortion thing’s more than okay!
Just say “Here comes default!” watch him obey.

Medicaid? Ha! Man, we’ll make ’em work.
If I gave in, didn’t hold the line.
The House Freedom Caucus would go berserk.
Yo, poor folks, get jobs. See, I’m keeping mine!
It’s more than a ceiling (more than a ceiling);
No, Joe, put down that coin, buster! What the hey?
(That’s double-dealing!) Let’s hear you squealing!
You will not take my hostage away!
We’ve got many more debt games here to play. (Duncan Stevens)

Chris Christie sings “The Impossible Dream”
To dream the impossible dream,
To fight an impeachable schmo,
To reach his deplorable voters,
To stay when the pollsters say no.
To stand on the stage of debate, 
To spar with that odious clown,
Stand tall when the insults start flying,
Desist from my resting-bitch frown.

This is my quest! To not be subpar!
To poll double digits! Does it seem that bizarre?
To fight for myself without stigma or shame,
I’m done kissing his ass, once and for all,
And I’m clearing my name!
(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) 

Virtually any politician sings “I’ll Do Anything”  to voters  
I’ll do anything
For your vote — anything
’Cause winning’s everything to me.
I know that I’d go anywhere,
I’d stoop low — I don’t care,
For no low is too low for me.
Would you wear a wig? — anything!
Would you dance a jig? —– anything!
Would you kiss a pig? — anything!
Do you want this gig? — with all my heart!
I would lie and hedge 
If I could get an edge 
Cause I’d do anything — ANYTHING to win!
(Diana Oertel, San Francisco)

Trump, as Jiminy Cricket, on tape to Billy Bush:
When you get to be a star, women all know who you are.
Anything your heart desires
They’ll do for you.
I just move in like a bitch, kiss ’em ’cause I’m super-rich.
What seems even more bizarre,
They love it, too!

Pat behinds or squeeze what’s up above?
Then I’m just guilty of some harmless longing.
I'm a magnet — handsome, too; grabbing pussy's what I do.
Now that I’m a megastar,
My dreams came true. (Chris Doyle)

The headline “Silly .gov Songs” is by Chris Doyle; Jeff Contompasis wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. 

We’ll be combing your “Comments” below for reactions to the inking entries.

Still running — deadline 4 p.m. Saturday, May 27: Our Week 20 contest to write a four-line poem about a person, in either the clerihew or poed form. Click here or type in bit.ly/inv-week-20. 

See more about The Invitational, including our 2,600-member Facebook group, the Losers’ website, and our podcast.

Okay, now for your questions and Gene’s answers.

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Q: Do you wear a wristwatch, and if so, what watch do you have? 

A: Sometimes.  My go-to is from an American manufacturer who defected to the Soviet Union, made in 1961.   It’s an automatic, meaning self-winding based on the ordinary kinetics of the wrist, and how it spins a weighted cam in the movement.  Great, relatively inexpensive watch. 

I have two that are more visually interesting and more historically significant. This one I bought for Rachel a couple of years ago, one of the more unusual watches ever made.  There’s a story behind it. 

The watch was manufactured in Switzerland in 1917 or so, and merely tells the time. It is unhandsome, made of pot metal. The strap is old canvas, a little stained. The dial is displayed behind a sturdy metal cage, the bars partially blocking your view of the face. To tell time, you have to peer around them, like the original pillars in old baseball stadiums, ones that required cut-rate “partially obstructed“ seats.

The cage was necessary because these watches were manufactured for sale to the military in America and other countries, to be distributed to soldiers, specifically soldiers fighting the Germans and Ottomans in the Great War. During combat, with sudden incoming shelling, in trenches, the young men had to dive for cover, and sometimes their watch crystals shattered, and the watch was crushed beneath it. Was there a way to fix this?

The Swiss, officially neutral as always but possibly not without preference, obliged. You have to navigate around the dial pillars. 

I think my favorite watch is this one. 

It is part of a rare special edition, sent to me in gratitude by a marketing exec at Timex, after I wrote a column she liked about her company; she was a little amused at my adorable quaintness when I insisted I had to pay for it. (I think it was $35.) The Last Wind-Up is the final mechanical watch made by Timex, in 1996; after that, they were all quartz crap, a chintzy type of watch no respectable person should ever wear.  The nice Timex lady was a bit bewildered when I told her that her company had blown it a bit in selecting the name of the watch; that, for reasons of punning humor, it should have been called “The Last Wound-Up.” I don’t think she understood why. I have never worn this watch and don’t intend to.  Maybe in my coffin, but more likely Molly gets, it, then Max. It’s philosophically vital.

TIMELY TIP: If you're reading this right now on an email:   Click here to get to my webpage, then click on the top headline (In this case, “The Invitational Week 21…”) for my full column, and comments, and real-time questions and answers. And you can refresh and see new questions and answers that appear as I regularly update the post from about noon to 1 ET.

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Q: Since you started out last time talking about your grandkids, here is the first joke I ever heard:  Why do gorillas have big nostrils?   Because they have big fingers.  

A: Oh, my. Urgent Emergency Gene Pool Gene Poll:  

Q: The picture on Ted Knight's Wikipedia page shows him with a hairstyle that he wore for about two minutes in one episode of "The Mary Tyler Moore Show."  The point was that he was trying to look younger or more modern, and of course just looked ridiculous.

 I am not particularly a fan of Knight's; it's no skin off my nose how he looks on Wikipedia.  But it seems stupid to have a picture that is so different from his usual look, and that was meant as a joke.

A:

It’s a funny picture, no question.   He was going for the Dave Barry look.  I was always going for the Gene Shalit look. 

Q: I take it that the person who submitted the joke about the best aspect of having kids must be someone from Cleveland.

A: This was from the last Gene Pool, and it was scatological and I get your joke and some people who are reading this will get it too.  We should all be ashamed of ourselves. 

Q: People are big mad about the Jeopardy! champ who lost because of a "misspelling." 

The champ wrote "Beatrice and Benedict," as in Cumberbatch, but the right answer of Shakespeare's classic bickering couple in Much Ado About Nothing is "Beatrice and Benedick." Jeopardy! ruled that it was phonetically incorrect, not merely a misspelling, which tends to be allowed. Bennadyck, apparently, would have been correct. 

But honestly, how much do you have to know about Shakespeare that to know if he COULD change a regular name to have a penis joke in it, he, um, wood?

A: I’d like to point out that the purveyor of this question is Rachel Manteuffel, who possesses the correct combination of intense ribaldry and literary scholarship.

Q Apropos of calling cow meat "beef" or pig meat "pork" from a recent  chat: We have no problem saying we're eating "turkey" or "shrimp" or "mackerel". At first I thought maybe it had to do with mammals vs non-mammals, but we also eat "lamb" and "goat". But why not "sheep"? Color me puzzled. 

A: You’re right.  I guessed wrong.  It is not because of a knee-jerk impulse to whitewash and euphemize our savagery.   So I actually decided to do some research, rather than just run my mouth.  Beef and pork are corruptions of Norman words for “cow” and “pig,’ and they simply slid into the language with William the Conquerer.  The word for cow was pronounced “beuf” and pig was generally pronounced as “pauk” which morphed into the present form. 

This all does remind me of the terrible day I learned from my parents why the sandwich meat I liked so much was called, of all things, “tongue.” 

*

Q: A public relations contact at the National Cotton Council of America is named Cotton Nelson. Here is proof he exists. 

A: Thank you.  He looks soft and clingy. 

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Q: What is the worst car you have ever owned? 

A: A 1978 Ford Fiesta, which was made in Germany.   Imagine a car that drove well, when it drove, but every few months it would die, without warning.  All systems shut down, wherever you were, including a highway.  And wherever you were, you’d have to be towed to a Ford dealership.  The Fiesta was one of the earliest cars to experiment with having a  systemwide “brain.” And it’s like that brain was infected with Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease.  Hm.  Kreutzfeldt and Jakob were German.  Just saying. Wait. Rachel Manteuffel is also German. What is going on here?

Q: Do you have a single funny moment involving all of these: sex, a dog, kids and poop? 

A: Good God, I seem to!   A true story going back, well, 30-plus years.   Wife and I were walking along the bridle path in Rock Creek Park.   The two kids, aged 7 and 5, were walking ahead of us, at a distance, maybe 40 feet.  I remarked that they were a little far away for my comfort, but noted that I was not that concerned because our dog, Clementine, a big chocolate lab, was walking with them, and she gave a measure of comfort and protection.  “She’s really like a person,” I said, “kind of a member of the family, and smart.”  We walked around a curve so see the kids walking happily ahead but Clem had stopped and was wolfing down a huge loaf of horse shit.   (As for the sex, it explains why the kids were there at all, okay?) 

Q: Who have been your biggest celebrity crushes over the years (including man crushes)?

A: I’ve only had one.   It was this lady, who played Annie Oakley on TV in the 1950s.  Gail Davis.  I was six or seven.  I liked how she looked riding a horse. It was a vague, undifferentiated longing. I didn’t know WHAT I wanted from her, but it was Real.

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Q: Which US President is most overrated, and which is most underrated?

A: Most overrated: Ronald Reagan.  Most underrated: Grover Cleveland.  Honorable mention:  James k. Polk.  Most difficult to rate: A tie between LBJ and Andrew Jackson.

Q: I used to find baseball boring, but then my son started playing and my interest in him became a broader interest in the game, enough that I can appreciate Javy Baez getting into a rundown between first and home, allowing a run to score. However, I still do not know the proper mechanics and application of the hit and run. Please enlighten me! - I'm a "baseball mom", *gag*

A: The hit and run is actually a misnomer.  It is technically the “run and hit.”  Recently it is in general disfavor.   It is a clever bit of small ball with high risk and high reward.  When you have a baserunner on first, and a guy who can make contact at the plate, you can sometimes force the other team into a mistake.  The runner breaks for second once the pitch is en route, which is a modified, slightly delayed attempt at a steal.  But stealing is not the real goal.  The goal is to force the infielders to cover second base, which often takes them out of perfect position to field a ground ball.  If the batter can hit the ball to the place they just vacated to cover second, he gets a single and the baserunner, with his head start, always makes it to third.  HOWEVER if the batter misses the ball the catcher will probably catch the runner stealing.

I believe I explained that brilliantly and am willing to take on all nitpickers and naysayers.

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Q: There were two famous statues on opposite sides of a path in a park. One statue was male, and one was female. They had both been in the park for many years and were well known and loved.  One day, an angel suddenly appeared to the two statues and said, "You two statues have done an exemplary job. You have brought joy to many people over the years.  In honor of your faithful service, I am going to grant you the gift of life for 30 minutes, and you can do whatever you like."  The statues sprang to life and gave each other knowing looks. They immediately ran into the woods and dove behind some bushes.  The angel smiled to himself as he heard the two statues giggling while branches rustled and twigs snapped behind the bushes. The angel was surprised when after just 10 minutes, the statutes emerged from the bushes, leaves and twigs in their hair, but both looking satisfied with huge smiles on their faces.  The angel looked at his watch and said, "You still have another 20 minutes. Don't you want to do it again?" The two statues shrugged at each other. Finally the female statue said to the male statue, "Okay, but this time you hold down the homeless guy, and I'll pee on him!" 

Q: Wow!  Well.  That’s funny and un-compassionate. I’d heard it involving a pigeon, which is not as mean, but also not as funy. 

Q: “Aptonymic" is a wonderful word. Do you know it can also be spelled with an "r?"-- Jax in DE

A: Not in the Gene Pool.  Never, except this once:  Some people say “aptronym,” which contains a pointlessly confusing extra letter.  There are two conflicting world views on this, and mine is right and must not be challenged, like the Letters of Transit. 

This is Gene.  I have just been informed that there is a GOP chairperson who is also a flat-Earther.  Wouldn’t you expect her to have a stupid name? Well, she does. She is named “Kandiss” Taylor.  Here is Kandiss. 

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Q: What’s green and fuzzy and would kill you if it fell out of a tree on you? A pool table.

A: I like that. Unforeseeable. 

Q: Why didn't you give "all of the above" as a choice? I immediately thought that was the answer to the poll last time, but didn't find it as a choice. Secondly, I then learn I was correct, but had no way to prove it!!! Boo on you! 

A: You didn’t get the joke.  It was a tease, on you. This is in reference to the Gene Pool Gene Poll from Tuesday, about PC developments in institutions of higher learning.  I said, in the intro to it, that only one of them had happened “very recently” at a “U.S. college.”  That was true, if deliberately deceptive.  Three of them happened several few years ago, and one was from Britain.  I explained this later.  I knew you’d all figure that all were true, which they were.

Q: Is a 1918 Red 12 Lancet trench watch, in good working order, with its “ Pulp Fiction” cachet worth $750?

A: It might be; I’m not a qualified appraiser. It’s iconic. I do warn you — some of these trench watches were poorly made; Rachel’s turned out to have a pretty crappy movement.

*

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Q: I was going to ask a question about whether there are any words or phrases for which you just cannot remember the exact meaning. But when I looked up my two—nonplussed and “the salad days”—it turns out I *do* know what they mean. So maybe my question is about usage, not meaning. People around me seem to use “the salad days” to mean—yes—in the past, but specifically a time when things were going especially well. And while I thought nonplussed meant gobsmacked, I guess there’s a North American usage indicating unperturbed? Either way, I avoid these phrases, and they just make me feel dumb. 

A Just FYI, I always tell writers to “avoid cliches like the plague.”   But to answer your questions, nonplussed is stupid; and “Northern American usage” is a prim putdown for “stupid.”  It has come to take that meaning because they see the “non” and think it means not “something,” ergo, un-something.   Ergo un-plussed.  From context, they assume plussed must mean “troubled” or something. Stupid.

Q: Both of your petty pet peeves that you mentioned a week ago suggest that you are always in a hurry in stores or the post office.  Why?  Where do you need to go that is so urgent that you can't spend a few extra minutes in line?  Alternatively, have you lost the art of boredom, i,.e., finding something in your own mind to occupy you while you wait?  If it's the latter, this is a skill worth (re)acquiring.  Most of us have lost it because of smartphones.  

A: I answer you with this.

Q: Do you ever use chopsticks (earwax removal doesn't count)? If so, how adept are you ? Is using them by a Westerner in an Asian restaurant an affectation ? A way to show respect ? Or is it absolutely irrelevant since it is unlikely dining would be communal from cooking pots --- one of the key reasons for their original use ?

A:  I use chopsticks in Asian restaurants of all types.  Doesn’t everyone?  Why wouldn’t everyone?  Why don’t (presumably) you?  They are perfectly suited for foods customarily cut bite-sized, and they are simple to master, and if you decline them it is at best a humorous admission of your own cultural insularity, and at worst an insult to your host. 

I love this little skit.  Makes me laugh every time. 

I also love this: It was suggested by a reader, in response to the Typerwriter” symphony we linked to last time.  It is called “Tractor”  

We’re down, and thanks. Please keep sending in questions, observations, and comments. I value them and will attack them next time.