The Invitational Week 20: Rhymes Against Humanity
The Invitational Week 20: Rhymes Against Humanity
Plus 'The Undouchables' and other winning 'grandfoal' names
Today, as we do every Thursday, we devote the top half of the Gene Pool to The Invitational. But first, we must take a moment to appreciate the Worst Woman of the Week. No, it is not the lady pictured above! She takes third place, and will be mentioned later. The new WWotW is named Tricia Cotham, state legislator from North Carolina. If you do not know about her filthbucketry, you are about to learn. She was elected to her state legislature in 2022 as a pro-choice Democrat, an outspoken advocate for women’s rights. Once she entered the legislature, she announced that she was changing party affiliation to Republican. She would be anti-choice. In this new designation, she became the deciding vote in a new supermajority her defection created, overturning the governor’s veto of a bill (soon to be law) making all abortions, for any reason, illegal after 12 weeks. Kicker: She once had an abortion that she is now making illegal, a fact she had used politically to gain cred, and votes, from the left.
And last: At 4 a.m. I sneezed fourteen times, which I believe is a personal record. It creates an opportunity for a Gene Pool Gene Poll. Alert: If you are reading this on a phone and want to vote, you might want to switch to a computer or tablet; it is displayed more readably.
Okay! This week’s Invitational contest, Week 20, is to write a four-line poem about people in the news, using either of two poetic forms that are particularly challenging staples of The Invitational.
The first is the clerihew, a four-line poem with (A) someone’s name in the first line (only the name, or a line ending with the name); (B) the rhyme scheme aabb; and — this is important — (C) meter that varies, often wildly, from line to line. Here is an example by the Czar, based on the legal and marital travails of a certain congresswoman, especially as limned in this article (which you should read to the end).
Boebert (Lauren)
Hates all threats to family values, domestic or foreign,
Except perhaps for those that might happen to be composed
Of nasty divorce, household slapping, underage drinking, mailbox vandalism, and penises indecently exposed.
The second eligible form is the poed, created by Ed Hopkins of Davidsonville, Md., many years ago for The Style Invitational. It’s also a four-line poem: The first line is six one-syllable words, the second is three two-syllable words, the third is two three-syllable words, and the last is one six-syllable word. There must be at least one end-of-line rhyme. Some leeway will be extended to cleverly pertinent made-up words, as in this poed, also by the Czar.
On the air, Trump sat down
Vicious, lying, piggly
Defensive, offensive.
Meretriciousbigly.
You can include a title for either poem if you want to.
Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to bit.ly/inv-form-20. As usual, you can submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same entry form. And don’t try putting your whole poem onto a single line, as we usually ask for entries; just write them as four lines.
Deadline is Saturday, May 27, at 4 p.m. wherever you are. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, June 1. You need to be a paying subscriber to The Gene Pool to enter; sign up (just $5 for a month or $50/year) at the “subscribe” box above.
This week’s winner gets, apropos of this contest, one of the few pairs of socks in the world to celebrate a character from a world-renowned poem. They are excellent for sitting in the house on a cold, cold, wet day.
The results of Week 18 are below, but first, two paragraphs of boring but necessary boilerplate:
After the intro (which you are reading now), there will be some early questions and answers added on — and then Gene will keep adding them as the hour progresses and your fever for his opinions grows and multiplies and metastasizes. To see those later Q&As, refresh your screen occasionally.
As always, you can also leave comments. They’ll congregate at the bottom of the post, and allow you to annoy and hector each other and talk mostly amongst yourselves. Though we will stop in from time to time.
The Bridle Registry: Winning ‘Grandfoals’ of Week 18
As The Invitational has done every year since 1995, in Week 16 we listed 100 of the horses nominated for this year’s Triple Crown races and the Losers “bred” pairs of names to name a “foal” that cleverly, often punningly — and often crudely — referred to both “parents.” Then in Week 18, they bred those foal names to make “grandfoals.” Given that this week they were working with names like Shit Show, USS Constipation, Vulveeta, and Wanks a Million, it wasn’t surprising that the grand-names were horses of an off color — we’re glad that Washington Post editors wouldn’t have to wring their hands over these babies. This is, by far, the Gene Pool Invitational with the most entries that would have been assassinated by The Post.
Don’t get the joke in an entry? Ask in the comments below and we’ll explain it and not even sneer.
Third runner-up: Indy Penn Dense x Pole Worker = Undie Porn Dance (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)
Second runner-up: Pole Worker x Julius Sees Her = Veni Vidi … Veni (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.)
First runner-up: Why an Apostrophe? x USS Constipation = Colon Won’t Work (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)
And the winner of the Knit Your Own Dog kit;
Chiseler x Sans Seraph = Michel*****o (Laurie Brink, Mineola, N.Y.)
Just Say Neigh: Honorable Mentions
American Pi x Chiseler = 3.14-Card Monte (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)
Go Fly a Kite x Shit Show = Scat! (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.; Tom Witte)
Julius Sees Her x Double on Tundra = Eye of the Taiga (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.)
Crash Test Dummies x There Be Geckos = There Be Geico (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)
There Be Geckos x 127 Hours = Save 7,620 Percent (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.; Brian Cohen, Winston-Salem, N.C.)
Wanks a Million x 127 Hours = A Long Time Coming (Andrew Rosenberg, Brooklyn, N.Y.)
Bean Franklin x Shit Show = Poo Richard (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)
Chiseler x Walk = The Adze of March (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)
Crash Test Dummies x Porn to Run = Mannekinky (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)
Crash Test Dummies x Stumped = Hmm Hmm Hmm Hmm (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)
Deputy Seraph x Julius Sees Her = Eyeshot the Seraph (Laurie Brink)
Eliot Nescafé x Wanks A Million = The Touchables (Steve Price, New York; Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.; Rob Wolf, Gaithersburg, Md.)
Eliot Nescafé x Vulveeta = The Undouchables (Jon Carter, Fredericksburg, Va.)
Etude, Brute? X Fonzie Scheme = Julius Greaser (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)
Etude, Brute? x Wedgie Jackson = Executioner’sThong (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)
GanDolphini x Rep. Van Winkle = Jersey Snore (Bill Dorner, Wolcott, Conn.)
Go Fly a Kite x C-Note Evil = AHundredTimesNo! (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)
Go Fly a Kite x Shit Show = Mary Poopins (Beverley Sharp)
Go Fly a Kite x Shit Show = Wipe Left (Jon Carter)
GOOOOOOOOLD! x Chiseler = Pyrite, Actually (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)
GOOOOOOOOLD! x Double on Tundra = COOOOOOOOLD! (David Peckarsky, Tucson; Duncan Stevens)
GOOOOOOOOLD! x Go Fly a Kite = Au Revoir (Jesse Frankovich)
GOOOOOOOOLD! x Nuuk Nuuk Nuuk = Fort Nuuks (Tim Watts, Great Falls, Va.)
GOOOOOOOOLD! x Porn to Run = Trumps Like Us (Joanne Free, Clifton, Va.)
GOOOOOOOOLD! x When I'm 2^6 = OOOOOOOOLD! (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore; Mike Gips)
GOOOOOOOOLD! X Wanks a Million = Gilty Pleasure (Tim Watts)
GOOOOOOOOLD! x When I'm 2^6 = 7^2-ers (Bernard Brink, Cleveland, Mo.)
Hanky Panky x 127 Hours = AffairToDismember (Jeff Contompasis)
Hanky Panky X Double on Tundra = Lapp Dancers (Roy Ashley)
Hanky Panky x Double on Tundra = NanookieOfTheNorth (Chris Doyle)
King Leer x Pole Worker = Letch Walesa (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.; Larry Rifkin, Glastonbury, Conn.; Jeff Contompasis)
Mr. Kite x Porn Worker = Wind Blown (Rob Wolf)
Pole Worker x Tempest in a K-Cup = Bump and Grind (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.)
Pole Worker x Wanks a Million = Elf-Stimulation (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.; Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)
Porn to Run x USS Constipation = Easy Come, Hard Go (Jesse Frankovich)
Porn to Run x USS Constipation = XXX-Lax (Michael Stein)
Porn to Run x Walk in Water = The Story of Eau (Chris Doyle)
Rep. Van Winkle x Shit Show = Slumber Potty (Jesse Frankovich)
RiddleOfTheSinks x USS Constipation = Stopped Up Again! (Beverley Sharp)
Sanka for Nothing x Tibia Not to Be = Decalf (Frank Osen)
Sanka Ship x Vulveeta = Loose Lips (Rob Wolf)
Sans Seraph x Shit Show = Helveticaca (Laurie Brink)
Stumped x Nuuk Nuuk Nuuk = Inuit All Along (John Winant, Annandale, Va.)
The Stinker x WhoSlicedTheCheese = Farts and Krafts (Tom Witte)
Three Scrooges x Sanka Ship = Tightanic (Karen Lambert)
EnemaOfThePeephole x Wanks a Million = Clean and Jerk (Brian Cohen)
USS Constipation x J. Edgar Hoofer = Clogger (Kevin Dopart)
USS Constipation x Unplugged = ThatShipHasSoiled (Roy Ashley)
Venus de Silo x Willie Maze = The Say Hay Kid (Bernard Brink; Rob Wolf)
Wanks a Million x Founding Farter = John Handcock (Kathy El-Assal, Middleton, Wis.)
Wanks a Million x Go Fly a Kite = Beat It (Mike Hammer, Arlington, Va.; Tom Witte)
WhoSlicedTheCheese x Storm Suer = Odor in the Court (Chris Doyle)
Wedgie Jackson x Hanky Panky = Panties in a Tryst (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)
The headline “Bridle Registry” is by Jon Carter; Chris Doyle wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.
Still running – deadline 9 p.m. Saturday, May 20: Our Week 19 contest to add a pertinent verse to an existing song we’d like to hear some politician (of any era) sing. Click here or type in bit.ly/inv-week-19.
We’re full up for the Losers’ annual Flushies picnic this Saturday afternoon; we’ll let you know the highlights. For details of the June and July Loser brunches at local restaurants, see “Our Social Engorgements” on the Losers’ website, NRARS.org.
See more about The Invitational, including our 2,000-member Facebook group and our podcast.
Okay, now for your questions and Gene’s answers.
Q: [this is me] Two questions from two different readers, which I am yoking here. Why do you care about antique clocks, an ancient technology that is extremely inferior to current technologies? And: Does your attraction to clocks extend to an attraction to time?
A: To answer the first question, I care about antique clocks because it is not about technology. It is about history, and the emotional feel of antiquity. The very first clock I fixed once I actually knew what I was doing, was a French Empire clock, with two marble pillars and a pendulum that swung between them. Once I had it completely disassembled, I saw an etched marking in the brass that had clearly been made by the person who had most recently been inside this clock: As I remember, it was “J’ J de J, 91” and from context and history and facts about the manufacturer, I concluded this clock had been last worked on in 1791, during the French Revolution, when heads were plopping. I was awed to be there. To answer the second question, here is a short vid of my most recent acquisition, in the middle of my work on it, today. It is a Seth Thomas No. 2, manufactured and sold new on October 2, 1951, the day I was born. I’ve got it working again.
None of this is about accuracy – even though these are incredibly accurate machines for the eras they were produced. They keep time to about a minute a month. It is about the beauty of history. To the first questioner, I respond thus: Bite me, you soulless, ignorant douchebag.
TIMELY TIP: If you're reading this right now on an email: Click here to get to my webpage, then click on the top headline (In this case, “The Invitational Week 20…”) for my full column, and comments, and real-time questions and answers. And you can refresh and see new questions and answers that appear as I regularly update the post from about noon to 1 ET.
Q: My pet peeve is the use of the phrase “in order to.” That’s it. Oh wait, one more “an historic…” I mean we don’t say “an hill.” Why do editors allow those to be used?
A: This is interesting, your second point. The use of A or AN is basically a matter of the ease of tongue gymnastics. A is generally used before a consonant: A beast, a clown, a dork, a douchebag. AN is generally used before a vowel, because it better flows: An elephant, an acrobat, an honor. Note that last one: H is a consonant, but it is used there as a vowel, and flows better off the tongue, like an historic, which is generally pronounced “an istoric.” So. Basically, you are baseless.
Q: You are self-identified as 'grumpy." A "curmudgeon." Your announcement of today's chat promises that it will be a "grumpy one." And yet you seem to be in an enviable position. You are successful in your chosen field, have not one but two Pulitzers, a young, talented, and brilliant girtlfriend, etc. Tell us, Gene: What are you so damn grumpy ABOUT?
A: I am grumpy because it is my “brand,” a term I hate and am grumpy about using. Also, the Gene Pool of the day was about YOUR peeves.
Q: How do you describe your current employment status? Semi-retired? Part-time freelancer? Full-time hustler one step removed from Walmart greeter? Bigger question: what hope does this give the average late boomer/Gen Xer who hasn’t had a steady career and doesn’t have much of a nest egg?
A: It’s the third one. And you can take comfort in the fact that you;d probably rise to the ranks of TOP Walmart greeter, and graduate to the more lucrative product-price-stamp administrator.
Q: Gene, I would never want to make light of someone's tragic death, but doesn't this news blurb contain one of the best aptonyms ever? "The remains of a popular pub manager have been found inside two crocodiles in Queensland, Australia, reactivating calls for the giant reptiles' population to be reduced, the UK Times reported. According to police, the remains of 65-year-old Kevin "Stumpy" Darmody were found inside two crocodiles that were shot by authorities on May 1."
A: I find nothing funny in this, which is why I am not publishing it.
Q: My pet peeve is when people like customer support or Metrorail conductors say "momentarily" or "soon" instead of when it will happen.
A: Momentarily is the worst because it is a blatant lie, one hundred percent of the time. The dic definiton is “at any moment; very soon.”
Q: Empress here. I have been called away during chat time for a Grandparenting Event That Cannot Be Missed, but I'll be happy to answer questions in the comments thread later this afternoon. Gene is your guy to make any rulings about the new contest.
A: I don’t know what Pat means by “rulings” but be assured they will all go against her, and the Losers.
Q: This is Gene, and I just want to say how pleased I am at how many of you have sneezed more than nine times in succession. You are my People.
Q: I haven't seen any evidence of Biden being "out of it". Yes he's old, yes I'd prefer someone younger, but during the previous administration, Russian propaganda famously pushed the "suffering from dementia" or some such. Could that be the root of the "out of it" rumors? Compare him with how Trump speaks. I don't get it.
A: Neither do I. I think history will be very favorable to him. He saved us from Trump, twice.
Q: My pet peeve is related to yours about the way phone calls end in movies or on TV. If you’re watching a movie or a TV show, and somebody hangs up on the person you’re seeing on the screen, they hear an immediate dial tone. That simply never happens in real life. Try it. You’ll hear silence, and eventually maybe a rapid busy signal, but no dial tone! It’s used by Hollywood writers to signify the abrupt end of a call, but that’s the only place where it happens.
A: I have never thought of that. You are even crazier than I am.
Q: Cotham gets worse. According to two of her FORMER staffer-advisor-campaigner types on the record in JEZEBEL, Tricia did it because she felt that her fellow Democrats were insufficiently appreciative of her political success. She also resented the fact that Planned Parenthood didn't endorse her, although she never showed up for repeatedly-rescheduled candidate interviews with the Planned Parenthood board, attendance at which was a clearly-understood requirement for any candidate seeking endorsement. The "BUT PEOPLE WERE MEAN TO ME!" rationale for bumping up wire coat hanger sales in North Carolina is one hell of one to employ.
A: Indeed.
Q: My dentist, a very nice man, inevitably walks in and asks, “How are we today?” Well, I don’t know, friend. How are we, indeed? I have no idea! I am fine! I just answer, “Fine. How’re you?” But it drives me bonkers. I also can only handle towels being folded one way, my way. I will surreptitiously re-fold towels my spouse has improperly folded. He will not fold them my way. He is not wrong! There are several others like this second example that go to control over one’s environment but are completely petty and silly.
A: See the one below.
Q: Pet peeve - when people ask if they can ask a question. Well, you just did, so if the answer is no, then it’s already too late and I’m going to be annoyed anyway. And if the answer is yes, I’d rather you just ask the question the first time.
A: You know, a lot of these pet peeves are really obviously petty, but I share them, like this one. It is disturbing.
Q: Example of how deficient in reporting the Washington Post has become. In this story -- https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2023/05/17/abortion-pill-appeal-court-arguments/ -- about the Court of Appeals for the 5th Circuit aggressively questioning the Justice Department and drug company lawyers, the reporter quotes a plaintiff counsel named Erin Hawley for the Alliance Defending Freedom.
There was no mention of her connections to other federal officials, particularly members of the US Senate. Her last name provides the only clue you need. So...who missed the bus? The reporters? The editors? This is a prime example of journalistic incompetence.
A: This is, indeed, a slip-up. She is the wife, and is fighting the abortion pill. It is a pertinent fact. Not definitive, but pertinent.
Q: If you are such an atheist, (I strongly disagree) why do you identify as Jewish?
A: This is a fair question, masquerading as an obnoxious question. Because I am Jewish, and not not Christian, I cannot forgive you. Being Jewish has almost nothing to do with belief in God. It is cultural. It is about belief in a certain type of self-deprecating humor, an affinity for scholarship, manipulating feelings of guilt as a modus operandi, and general anxiety and neurosis. I am there, forever.
Q: So here's something from today's online Post: "Taylor and her attorney told “Good Morning America” it’s unclear how the boy got ahold of the gun, but it was secured in her home. " “Ahold?”
A: To be fair, it is a direct quote, but I would have turned it into “a hold,” which is defensible and quite possibly what the source was saying. Long ago, when I was interviewing the father of a murder victim, he said “I was expectorating her home any minute…” I turned it into “expecting” without a moment’s hesitation, and no, I didn’t ask the poor guy for permission. You have to be sane and reasonable and, sometimes, compassionate. Sadly, dictionaries are starting to accept “ahold” as “questionable” or “nonstandard.”
Q: I am peeved when I show up and there's a long line ahead of me, but then when I get to the register there's no one behind me.
A: Ooh, me too. We’re both douchebags.
Q: Old Zeb here... My pet peeve is when the nice cashier hands me the change with the bills on my palm and the coins skating around on top. My other hand is holding my wallet. How am I supposed to get the levitating coins into my pocket and not scattered onto the floor? Pluck them off with my third hand? Scrunch the whole wad into a ball and stuff that into my pocket? With the coins under the bills I can do the close-up magic act, but not the other way 'round.
A: You know what’s worse? When under the coins are not bills but your receipt. You don’t even WAN’T a receipt for your honey-glazed donut. They are making you take it.
Q: Gene : I'm disappointed at the invective (or lack thereof) coming out of the WGA writers' strike. I realize when you're a "wordie" for hire and not getting paid, there's probably little incentive to be creative, but "Pay us continuously or else." just doesn't cut it for me. Any suggestions for some catchy slogans for the "schmucks with Underwoods," as Jack Warner called screenwriters ?
A: “We write it. They bite it.”
Q: After waiting on hold for customer service for way too long, I want to get right to the issue, resolve it and hang up. I do not believe that they really want to know how I am doing that day after I've been on hold so long. Then my question is repeated back to me, no matter how simple it is or how clear I have made it. When we get to the end, Is it ever over? NO "How else may I help you? Have I satisfied your request. Thank you for letting us serve you.? Will you hold so a 4 question survey for how we did today?"
A: I may have bleated this before; My least favorite impertinence is “Got plans for the weekend?” I want to say, “Yeah, gonna be visiting my son at the penitentiary. He’s doing 25 to life for murder.”
Q: Is there a purpose to ticks and mosquitoes? If so, what is it?!
A: In the excellent movie Defending Your Life, Albert Brooks has died and is in a sort of limbo where you can critically examine your past life and past … lives. He is looking at a TV screen and sees a previous Albert Brooks, in an ancient jungle, running from a prehistoric rhino. The person next to him, who cannot see Brooks’s screen, asks him what he was, and he says “Lunch.”
That’s why ticks and mosquitoes are valuable. The are an important part of the food chain for fish, frog, lizards, etc.
Q: Gene: Gas has weight, even if it is lighter than air. It is why a full propane tank weighs a lot more than an empty one.
I respectfully disagree. If the gas is lighter than air, it has negative weight, which is why dirigibles float. The "gas" in a propane tank is compressed into liquid form, which is why it is heavy, plus I believe, though I am not sure, that propane is heavier than air. Don h
A: Lotta opinions like yours, but science is clear. I am summarizing the consensus of scientists who have, uh, weighed in on this: Farts are matter, matter has mass, and mass has weight. So by a strict definition of weight, you definitely lose some when you fart. Just because helium balloons are lighter than air, it does not mean than they are weightless. Ask Einstein. Relativity, baby.
Q: Originally (1790), each congressperson represented only about 35,000 citizens. In 1929, Congress was unable to agree on how to reapportion seats for itself, so they decided to just stop at 435 seats. That means that, today, each congressperson has over 700,000 citizens and guests to represent (2020 census). What kind of an idiot would think that one person could successfully represent nearly 300,000 people in 1930, let alone over 700,000 in 2020?
A: The same kind of idiot who believes a senator of a big state can successfully represent 20 million people. Would your solution be a House with 2,100 (mostly) jerks?
Q: So...why are pro-gun Republicans responsible for mass shootings, as most of your readers believe? Down further in your article, you posted a Proud Boys/Antifa fight involving a knife, as well as fists and feet. Who is responsible for mass violence seems the better question.
A: Wow. I was waiting for one of these. I dunno if you are a committed conservative or a troll. That knife doesn’t come out until the guy is being surrounded , and grabbed by a member of the mob, as others are closing in. . If I had a knife I’d draw it then, too. It was not a “fight.” That was Carlson’s term. We are drowning in guns because conservatives are terrified of losing their “base” – an appropriate word – by daring to support sane gun laws. There is no other country like us.
Q: Why do people--and this is just about universal where I go--say "passed" instead of "died"? This is extraordinarily widespread, and people just say it without thinking. I know if I objected I'd be considered (even more of) a crank, but it really sets my teeth on edge. Most of the people I know don't believe in an afterlife, so where do they think all these folks have passed to? And people are using it about their pets as well. They say that cattle are responsible for a large portion of methane production implicated in global warming, so maybe if's appropriate for herds of bovines. But people aren't a gas. We don't pass. We die! I guess people are afraid to admit the possibility of death out loud. But where I go to church we stress the importance of facing reality, and I find this euphemism particularly objectionable.
A: It’s for the same reason we say we are eating pork, not pig, or beef, not cow. We are a self-delusional species.
Q: OK, here's my meaning-of-life question: You are a well-documented dog lover who expressed considerable, shall we say, irreverence towards cat lovers for many years. Why does having been adopted by one (1) cat suddenly make you an expert on cat behavior or psychology?
A: I had two cats. Barnaby and Buster, who was a street cat we adopted when he started to get old and tired. I knew them both intimately. Click on this, then search for “mayor” and start reading.
And on this, I am calling us down. Please keep sending in comments and questions, and I will roar back on them on Tuesday. Plus there might be a sudden, secret Sunday Gene Pool.
1) We need to write funny death remembrances in the English tabloid style for Elden, he deserves them and he’ll love them. 2) There is a clock museum benefit event run by my friends in Bristol CT, Gene and/or Pat is invited whenever it is, I’m not serious but I’ll find out what and when it is.
“Yeah, gonna be visiting my son at the penitentiary. He’s doing 25 to life for murder.” EDIT: "...for murdering a Tech Support operator for wasting his entire morning."