The Invitational Week 115: Two Ways About It

A contest for double-entendres. Plus our caption contest winners.

See them for this photo and five others in today’s results, below.

Something that might be said both while driving and while using the toilet: Will that piece of shit just pass already?

At a rodeo and in Congress: That clown got buried by a ton of bull.

At a football game and in Congress: Oh, no, it’s Mean Greene coming at me — why did I want to ever set foot in this arena?

We’re back with one of our most successful contests — which isn’t surprising, given the verbal flexibility of the Loser Community, The Invitational’s gutter-brained corps of contestants.

For Invitational Week 115: Tell us something that might be said in two (or more?) of the following situations. We begin the list, as we did in our two previous double-entendre contests, in bed. (See the results from 2019 and 2022. Winner from 2019, by Rob Cohen: At a restaurant and when Trump visits your country: “Can we get it to go?”)

• In bed

• In the Oval Office

• At a football game

• While dancing

• While eating potatoes

• While driving

• While listening to the radio

• At the beach

• At a rodeo

• In Congress

• On the toilet

• At a child’s music recital

• While walking the dog

• In Canada

Formatting your entries: Just so we can sort them into groups for judging, begin each entry with the two situations, as in the second and third examples above. And pleeez don’t break a single entry into multiple lines; i.e., don’t hit Enter until the end of each one.

Deadline is Saturday, March 22, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, March 27. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form.

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyurl.com/inv-form-115.

This week’s winner gets a pair of dainty socks printed with dainty sandals and dainty feet, at least in front. They’re best for actual dainty feet; they just fit the Empress’s size 7s.

It gives “painted toenails” a new meaning: This week’s prize.

Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Pic and Lol: Captions from Week 13

In Invitational Week 113 we showed you seven photos; here are the inking captions for six of them. The entries for one of the two donkey foals — so many about “asses,” Democrats, or both — pretty much canceled one another out. (The winner and runners-up appear below the respective photos; the poll for your favorites appears at the end of the entries.)

First runner-up:
“Suck it, infinite number of monkeys! I wrote Hamlet in one try!” (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.; Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

When it came to fan mail, Rin-Tin-Tin wished he could use a Dictaphone like Mr. Ed. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

Federal workers couldn’t decide which was worse: being fired by Musk or being fired by his assistant. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Rex was paper-trained especially well. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

The famed photojournalist Margaret Bark-White also worked as a WWII correspondent for Life magazine. (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

Dear Mr. Musk: This week I (1) used this cost-saving word processor; (2) answered all my mail; (3) held my pee until lunch hour; (4) investigated the 2020 election; (5) bit four Woke Liberals on the ankles. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

The Nazis trained everyone they could on the Enigma machine. (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)

Though she was fetching, had great posture, and was eager to lie in his bed, Donald was hugely disappointed in the young German secretary the agency sent him. (Leslie Franson, Ellicott City, Md.)

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Third runner-up:
The Kansas City Super Bowl watch party ended early. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

“That paint’s gonna dry any minute now, just you wait and see!” (Mark Asquino, Santa Fe, N.M.)

Carl’s daredevil stunt of touching his tongue to a metal flagpole failed to impress anybody, probably because it was June. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

When DHS started rounding up “anyone wearing shirts, pants, sweaters, or jackets,” neighbors grew concerned. (Leif Picoult)

The paid crowd at the rally awaits its cue to break into wild applause. (Stu Segal, Southeast U.S.)

“We Democrats are pissed as hell and we’re protesting, but we’re also in line for ice cream. (Dan Helming, Conshohocken, Pa.)

The Anhedonics Anonymous trip to Disneyland went about as expected. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

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The winner of the sponges labeled “Make Me Wet” and “Squeeze Me Hard”:
The Trump administration will stop at nothing to elevate weird white guys. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

After a season-ending injury, the San Antonio Spurs found it hard to replace Victor Wembanyama. (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)

A young Bernie Sanders warns squirrels about the looming oligarchy. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.)

Mortimer’s three-step program attracted few adherents. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

This 1972 advertisement turned out to be a dirty trick by the Coca-Cola Co. (Mark Raffman)

Maestro Bob conducts the Sarasota Symphony Dorkestra. (Jesse Frankovich)

Dennis soon discovered there wasn’t much demand for John Oliver impersonators at children’s birthday parties. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

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Second runner-up:
“And then after I put a booger on his golf cart, he walked all the way back to the clubhouse.” (Kevin Dopart)

Dave was so ecstatic, he often stopped strangers to explain his jowl reduction surgery. (Frank Osen)

A moment of levity at Arnold Palmer’s funeral as the attendees remember him fondly. (Steve Geist, Mechanicsville, Va.)

“So I’m checking her out, pretending to read a book, but I have it upside down!” (Gary Crockett)

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“So he’s checking me out, pretending to read a book, but he has it upside down!” (Gary Crockett)

“Do you think my fear of failure might be due to the big fat F hanging over my head?” (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

“Hot, sure. But he’s so, like, I dunno, inarticulate or whatnot.” (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.)

Barbara felt she looked twenty years younger — and without surgery! — so long as she kept that pesky neck wattle pressed in. (Sam Mertens)

“I don’t know how I managed to superglue my middle finger to my chin, but thank God I wasn’t you-know-what-ing!” (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

“I mean, I haven’t worked as a finger splint model before, but how’s this pose?” (Leif Picoult)

“Good thing we’re here — The Invitational can pass the Bechdel test this week.” (Duncan Stevens; Sam Mertens)

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“That’s for wearing white after Labor Day!” (Gary Crockett; Jesse Frankovich)

“You do how many crunches a day? I only do four.” (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio)

“I’d help you up, but OPM says that would be a DEI initiative.” (Duncan Stevens)

“I know those red socks in the laundry were yours!” (Sam Mertens)

“Have you said ‘thank you’ once this entire meeting?” (Kevin Dopart)

And finally, the Gene Pool Gene Poll:

The headline “Pic and Lol” is by Chris Doyle.

Still running — deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, March 15: Our neologism contest for new words or phrases containing the letter block DOGE in any order.

The Invitational Week 114: EGOD!

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Here we go with today’s Q&A section, where Gene reads your Q’s and responds with his A’s. the questions were all received before midnight Wednesday.

Q: I hear there are a lot of stray golden retrievers in Istanbul.

A: It is true! I just looked it up.

Retrievers once were seen as a cool luxury dog in Turkey, and purchased in large numbers as puppies. Then, the honeymoon ended for some reason, possibly because of familiarity due to oversupply. People began abandoning dogs in middle age.

I’ll be on the lookout. And deliver skritches and food.

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Q: Here is a Google AI fail:

Q: Enjoyed seeing your wife Randi on MSNBC. She had some great thoughts concerning the Department of Education.

A: I guess she’s sort of my Office Wife.

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Q: Cape Town is like San Francisco — very open, cosmopolitan atmosphere. Nice people. Diversity rules. Except that the shanty towns on the periphery comprise some of the most impoverished areas I have ever witnessed. Not that I am especially well traveled. But I have been to the West Bank. This is far worse, or at least it’s worse than the West Bank was before the current war. The other thing about South Africa is that the Boers are like some Americans in the Deep South. They haven’t gotten over the fact that they lost. —Luther Jett

A: Thanks. I am forewarned.

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Q: Suggestions: Table Mountain at sunset (but bring warm clothes bc it gets chilly after the sun goes down), a wine tasting tour of the coast, cage-dive with great white sharks, and #1 - Take a tour of the townships… but with a guide who knows their stuff, along with the apartheid museum … oh, and a diamond tour history — that is cool too.. Have an amazing time. I was there 12ish years ago.

A: Also thanks. Just got back from Table Mountain. One of the most naturally beautiful places I have ever been. The tram ride to the top, with 360-degree rotation, was spectacular, just a few dozen feet from the layered face of the rocks.

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Q: You took off your shoes and walked around the plane shoeless?

A: After about ten hours, yep. I was shoeless but barefoot. I did not look forward to urine-soaked socks.

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A: Okay, we are done here.

Please keep sending in Q’s and A’s here:

And if you are in a generous mood, we sure could use your $50.

More tomorrow, I hope.