The Invitational Week 114: EGOD!

Coin a word including the letter block DOGE. Plus winning riffs on Dave Barry's Mister Language Person — chosen by Dave himself.

Hello. Welcome to The Invitational, a special unelected-politician edition .

EGODOME: The White House.

BADGEOGRAPHY: The Gulf of America.

DODO EGG: A vain attempt to resurrect something whose time is gone.

DOGEBALL: A game in which you hurt people.

MANGOED: Pelted with rotting fruit until you can’t get the stench off. “Ralph was a nice enough guy before getting mangoed for eight years straight by the Fox News toadies.”

It’s the more or less annual game we call Tour de Fours, this time with the four-letter word of the hour:

For Invitational Week 114: Give us a new word or multi-word phrase that includes the letter block DOGE — in any order but with no other letters between them (spaces between words are okay) and describe it, as in the examples above. Use it in a funny sentence if you like; please do not use it in an unfunny sentence. For those who haven’t seen any of our twenty previous Tours de Fours, here are the results of our most recent TdeF contest, for DUST or STUD or whatever.

Formatting your entries: Begin each entry with your neologism, followed by the description. Don’t break a single entry into multiple lines; i.e., don’t hit Enter until the end of each one.

Deadline is Saturday, March 15, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, March 20. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form.

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyurl.com/inv-form-114.

This week’s winner gets a pair of otherwise very nice socks that look like off-brand ketchup bottles. De rigueur for your next White House tour.

Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Verb Your Enthusiasm: Channeling Mister Language Person

In Invitational Week 112, in honor of Dave Barry’s return to chronic humor column-writing, now on Substack, we invited Alert Readers to resurrect Dave’s Mister Language Person bit with some Q&As of their own. And who better to choose this week’s top four winners than Dave — the OG MLP — from our list of finalists? (And he even came up with an improved answer for one of this week’s honorable mentions.)

Third runner-up:
Q. One of Connecticut’s popular casinos is in a town called Mashantucket. What does that word mean?
A. It’s a Pequot word that means “how to eat a potato that is also a shirt.”
(Leigh Anne Mazure, Forest Hills, N.Y., whose last Invitational ink was in 2010)

Second runner-up:
Q. Why doesn’t the Tim Hortons coffee shop chain have an apostrophe?
A. It was actually co-founded by seven men all named Tim Horton.
(Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)

First runner-up:
Q. What is an oeuvre?
A. It is the most expensive item in a French supermarket, next to the hors.
(Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

And the winner of the earrings in the shape of itty-bitty heads of garlic:
Q. Can you tell me what it means to take things literally?
A. Yes.
(Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

As always, if you think the best among today’s inking entries were unjustly buried in the honorable mentions, shout out your favorites in the comments.

Way Past Imperfect: Honorable mentions

Q. Do you have a means of keeping “affect” and “effect” straight?
A. Yes, “affect” is a verb except when it is a noun, while “effect” is a noun except when it is a verb. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Q. What is the etymology of “sovereign,” as in a leader?
A. It’s from the Latin superanus, meaning “huge asshole.” (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Q. it drives me crazy when people misuse the word “fulsome” — meaning excessive or overdone — as a synonym for “full.” How can I gently correct them?
A. The only correct correction is to say, “Excuse me but you are fulsome shit.” (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Q. People often correct me on my usage of “less” and “fewer.” Please help.
A. Incorrect: “Johnny had less beans than Mary.”
Correct: “President Trump, mein Fewer!” (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Q. In “Blinded by the Light,” Bruce Springsteen sings “wrapped up like a deuce.” My pal tells me it’s “revved up like a deuce.” Which is it and what does it mean?
A. You heard it correctly. It’s a reminder for people to pick up the poop after walking their dog. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Q. When should I use punctuation?
A. Whenever you feel like it like i try to limit it to once a paragraph but that still feels like a lot my mom said i should use more but idk thanks for asking! (Brian Cohen, Winston-Salem, N.C.)

Q. Why are “flammable” and “inflammable” used to mean the same thing?
A. Because people started doing it before Mister Language Person was around to tell them it was stupid. (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.)

Q. How can I make my subjects and verbs agree?
A. It’s impossible! Nobody agree about anything these days. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

Q. What is the etymology of the word “expensive”?
A. It’s from “eggs” + “pensive,” meaning “thinking,” as in “I’m thinking I can’t afford these eggs.” (Jesse Frankovich)

Q. When typographical symbols replace letters in an expletive, for example, “a**hole,” how is it pronounced?
A. In your case, “asteriskhole.” (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

Q. When is it correct to write “impact” rather than “affect”?
A. Use this handy example: “My boss told me my bad writing would affect my salary, so I impacted his head.” (Duncan Stevens)

Q. Which is correct: “I live in DeTROIT” or I live in “DEEtroit?”
A. Both are wrong. You should not be living there at all. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

Q. I hate it when nouns get verbed. Does that bother you, too?
A. Absolutely — that’s why I grammar. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

Q. If we have to call the Gulf of Mexico “the Gulf of America,” does that mean New Mexico should now be called New America?
A. Of course not. New Mexico should be called East Arizona. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.)

Q. Is it appropriate for a waitperson to address diners as “you guys” or “y’all”?
A. Both are acceptable but only if they are followed by a statement in the precautionary indicative tense like, say, “Y’all oughta skip the fettuccine ’cause the pasta chef has a hawkin’ cough tonight.” (Chris Doyle)

Q. Why doesn’t English have gendering like European languages?
A. Actually, it soon will: President Trump is about to issue an executive order declaring that all nouns will have the gender assigned at birth by their parent language. (Michael Stein)

Q. Why doesn’t American English spell words like “humor,” “neighbor,” and “favor” the same way as British English?
A. Because in America, u don’t matter. (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.)

Q. Why is Wednesday referred to as “hump day”?
A. It’s a nod to the older form of the word: Weddingsday, the day they all took place. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

Q. I have a new boss at my federal agency. Should I address him formally as “Mr. Balls,” or is a more casual “Hello, Big!” appropriate?
A. I would go with a pleasant “Hail, cunning slayer of worthless vermin!” (Duncan Stevens)

Q. My teenage daughter told me my shoes were “dripping,” which confused me. Can you explain what she meant?
A. “Dripping” is Gen Alpha slang for trendy, so either you were wearing new Nike Air DT Max ’96s or you wet yourself again. (Chris Doyle)

Q. Today a man said he longed to be near me, against me, all over me, and on top of me. What do you suppose he meant?
A. Sounds like you’ve been prepositioned. (Jonathan Jensen)

Q. What is the proper use of “i.e.”?
A. It’s an abbreviation of “aiyee!” Example: “I told a secret to Sharon; i.e., now everybody at the party knows that I’m the one who clogged the toilet.” (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

Q. Do some parts of speech reflect better taste than others?
A. Yes, indeed: Organically raised pronouns are especially tasty, but beware that some people are highly allergic to they/them and can have a nasty reaction. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)

Q. Why is it that boxers and briefs are plural, whereas a shirt, blouse, top, or vest is singular?
A. Because the former come in multi-packs at Target. (Duncan Stevens)

Q. Is “irregardless” a good word to use?
A. No! Don’t ever use it, disirregardless of what anybody else may tell you. (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

Q. When people write in with a long and meandering question—you know the kind—that takes forever to get to the point, causing you to stare at your wristwatch (if you happen to wear one) or perhaps a wall clock (if you’re into the classroom aesthetic), and makes it seem like they’re just sort of dragging their feet instead of simply cutting to the chase already, do you ever want to reply with just SHUT UP?
A. Yes. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Q. What is a tilde?
A. The “~” is an abbreviation that may be used in many ways, for instance, “starring ~ Swinton” or “~ cows come home.” (Frank Osen)

Q. What is a grawlix?
A. $!#% if I know. (Brian Cohen; Leif Picoult)

Q. I am traveling to the U.K. next month. What are some usage quirks I should be prepared for?
A. Those Brits are different to us! Their government are strange. And their favourite humour has an unusual flavour and colour. Whilst you’re there, expect them to take the piss out of you. (Duncan Stevens)

Q. Fans of the serial comma often cite examples like “My parents, SpongeBob and Cher” to highlight the need for a second comma in a list of three items. But what if my parents ARE SpongeBob and Cher?
A. Wait. You are Tucker Carlson??? (Leif Picoult)

Q. Do you know an anagram of “Super Elegant Organism”?
A. Yes, this can be answered by “Mister Language Person.” (Jesse Frankovich)

The headline “Verb Your Enthusiasm” is by Kevin Dopart; Kevin also wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running — deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, March 8: Our latest photo caption contest. Choose from seven photos, and you can enter a total of 25 captions.

The Invitational Week 113: Picture This

We now begin the real-time Questions and Observations segment of the Gene Pool, where Gene responds to your questions and observations in real time. Please send in your Q’s and O’s here:

Q: Did you laugh yourself to tears, or cry yourself to laughter, when you read Jeff Bezos's comment that the newspaper didn't need to publish opinions because readers had the Internet for that?

A: I was confused so I consulted the Internet. It showed me a photograph of a vagina.

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TIMELY TIP: If you’re reading this on an email: JUST CLICK ON THE HEADLINE IN THE EMAIL AND IT WILL DELIVER YOU TO THE FULL COLUMN ONLINE. Keep refreshing the screen to see the new questions and answers that appear as I regularly update the post.

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Hey, I think you should become a paying subscriber to The Gene Pool if you are not one already. We are friends and colleagues fighting a common battle 24-7. It’s $4.15 a month. I am 73, and the hours are killing me. Not that I am trying to guilt you for my impending death or anything. I might be dead even as you read this, in which case you will get your money back. Win-win.

Q: Past a certain point, anger isn't constructive unless it's channeled into a response that promotes change. These momentary reactions to the calculated (and treasonous) actions of several powerful men do not and never should define this nation or what it stands for. I appreciate this column and will continue to read it. But rather than wallow in my rage and anger, I intend to do what I can to support election of Democrats. I cannot save the world!

A: I agree with this but I would ask the following, at the risk of overstatement: Did Germany on November 9, 1938, Kristallnacht, represent who the German people were, at that time? We are not collectively guiltless for this spasm of hatred. There is a sickness here.

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Q: Would it be fair to start calling the Post the Washington Times? Or maybe the PosTimes?

A: I really like the POS Times, but also the Post Times.

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Re: The Post. Whatever happened to Monica Hesse?

A: Monica is still writing, and writing incredibly well, for Opinions. A rare HR win in a bad time. She is one of the best opinion writers The Post has ever had. Check this out, the genius in the metaphor.

Q: Seeing yesterday's clown show in the Oval office, with the brave president of Ukraine, reminds me of Joseph Welch during the McCarthy hearings, "Have you no decency sir? At long last." Hi Gene, how can we compel republican members of Congress to turn against Trump, align with democrats and push back against his policies that threaten our national security? Jean Dufresne

A: We cannot. All the good Republicans are gone, driven away by challenges from the idiot right. . These are soulless cowardly shits who remain.

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Q: When I was a young boy in Hungary and we played war games with my friends, I was always the one who played the American, even though it was risky to do so during the Cold War – but I knew enough about history to be able to argue to my friends that the U.S. and Russia had been allies in the war against Hitler and his Nazis, so it was all right. It was a small act of courage on the part of a small boy, to honor a country that claimed to stand for liberty and against oppression, bigotry and hate. Today I wonder what nation a small boy like that will stand up to honor in an oppressed country in a few years’ time. It’s fair to say that it will not be the United States.

A: I think – hope? – Trump and his cronies will implode and destroy their party for a generation. It will result in great pain for us all, but no pain, no gain.

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Q: “It showed me a photograph of a vagina”. This made me laugh out loud and I am a woman

A: That was the idea.

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Q: Did you see this gem in the Post yesterday about facing Anti-Americanism abroad? It’s the quality of coverage we have to look forward to.

To be clear, the answer is “abjectly apologize”.

But the article never even hints at that. Instead she suggests “Can I just please enjoy my hamburger?”

Q: I think Andrea Sachs is a good writer. I don’t like this piece. It is a bit tone deaf. It reminds me of “eggs”, a piece a few years ago by Bethany Mandel, about how she has, like, 12 children and cannot afford eggs anymore because they cost too much because of increased prices because of the absence of cruelty to chickens. Nowhere in the piece did she acknowledge that this might be a good thing, like, for chickens.

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Q: Gene - I have graduated from college with three degrees, and I STILL do not understand what "personal liberties and free markets" means., as stated by Jeff Bezos about the future subjects on which the Post will be allowed to opine. Is it some kind of code, like " states' rights" meant "keep the right to enslave people"? I looked in the Post, but of course, I found nothing. Can you tell me what it means? Thanks Ann B

A: Yes, Ann, I would be glad to help you. Free markets mean business gets to poison rivers and stuff, without government regulation. Personal liberties means you get to say the n-word without fear of censure. Coming next: “Jews.”

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Okay, this is Gene. I hope to see you tomorrow. Please keep sending in Questions and Observations here: