The Invitational Week 113: Picture This
Seven more pictures await your zany captions. Plus winning questions for our answers.
Hello. Welcome to The Invitational Gene Pool, a wholly owned subsidiary of
… on a sad day for journalism. We will try to happy you up today.
For Invitational Week 113: Write a caption — as many as 25 total — for any of the seven pictures above and below. For guidance, inspiration, and ultra-sheer delight, take a look the results of Week 81 and the results of Week 61 to see what we like in a caption. (More info below the set of pictures.)
IMPORTANT FORMATTING INFO THIS WEEK!! Begin each caption only with the letter on the picture — as in A. [your caption] — and keep each caption to a single line; i.e., don’t press Enter in the middle of a single entry. If you’re submitting multiple entries (and why wouldn’t you?) be sure that the first character of each of your entries is the letter on the picture.
Deadline is Saturday, March 8, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, March 13. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form. (Don’t submit ideas this week for the honorable-mentions subhead; we don’t use it for caption results.)
Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyurl.com/inv-form-113.
This week’s winner gets a pair of kitchen scrubber sponges that are like any other artificial-sponge sponges except that one is labeled “Make Me Wet” and the other “Squeeze Me Hard.” Donated by chronic prize donor Dave Prevar, who we’re pretty sure hasn’t used them.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.
Doable Jeopardy: Ask Backwards winners from Week 111
In Invitational Week 111 we presented a list of random phrases as Jeopardy!-like “answers” and invited you to follow them with the questions.
Too many people to credit offered that the star of the Philadelphia Beagles was Saquon Barky, Barkey, or Bark; and that the “official cocktail of the new administration” was the Moscow Tool.
Third runner-up:
A. Dame Agatha Christ.
Q. Who said, “Forgive them for they know not whodunnit”?
(Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.)
Second runner-up:
A. About 29.
Q. How many of her lovers does Yo Mama need to ride a teeter-totter?
(Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)
First runner-up:
A. Only men.
Q. Who hears the words “I’m fine” and actually believes it?
(Diana Oertel, San Francisco)
And the winner of the “I Found That Humerus” mug featuring a picture of an arm bone:
A. The official cocktail of the new administration.
Q. What is Tequila Democracy?
(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)
Today’s Gene Pool Gene Poll:
As always, if you think the best among today’s inking entries were unjustly buried in the honorable mentions, shout out your favorites in the comments.
Two pertinent items: We asked Drew Goins, the Jeopardy! champ and a writer in the WaPo opinions section, to choose his fave five. They were “Forgive them,” from above, and, from below, “What may leave you hungry an hour later,” and “Russian policemen,” and “Uncle Tom” and “the defense never rests.” Worthy choices, all.
Second item, and a second poll: We had a fascinating semiotic collision emerge from your entries: For the category “It’s kind of like farting in an elevator,” we got these two good offerings: (1) “How was Donald Trump taught to smile?” (Frank Osen) and (2) “What is voting against your own self interests?” (Lisa Riggin, Clear Lake, Iowa, a First Offender)
The two entries are ostensibly similar, but actually very different. The first relies on the belief that people don’t mind the smell of their own farts, and thus farting in an elevator is a purely hostile act. The second relies on the belief that people do mind the smell of their own farts, and thus are punishing themselves while punishing others as well. We need to get to the bottom of this, as it were.
Q Dips: Honorable mentions
TWO BEDROOMS, EIGHT BATHS
What’s a suite like at the Willard InContinental Hotel? (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.)
What house design is a clue that the local plumbing contractors’ union has a lot of clout? (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)
Can you describe the ideal Airbnb in Cancun? (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.)
What are the specs of the house Trump is building to store classified documents? (Terri Berg Smith, Rockville, Md.)
When a man with an enlarged prostate married a woman with persistent UTIs, what sort of house did they buy? (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)
ABOUT 29
How many times are you likely to say WTF during a 30-minute news broadcast? (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)
According to DOGE, how many federal workers does it take to change a lightbulb? (Jesse Frankovich)
Approximately how many is a baker’s 28? (Jonathan Paul)
How many eggs can I get for this diamond ring? (Jesse Frankovich)
If current trends continue, how many subscribers will The Washington Post have at the end of Trump's second term? (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)
What is the average age of Matt Gaetz’s girlfriends’ mothers? (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)
CHOP SUEY GENERIS
What may leave you hungry an hour later but you can never reorder it? (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)
What dish requires diced pineapple, sweet peppers, scallions, and panda meat? (Barbara Turner; Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)
COMING SOON TO THE TRUMP KENNEDY CENTER!
What is the Straight White Men’s Chorus of Washington? (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.; Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.)
Where can I see “The Birth of a Nation: The Musical”? (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)
Whatever became of minstrel shows? (Pam Shermeyer)
What is Democracy on Ice? (Frank Osen)
What is “Hamilton” recast for racial accuracy? (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)
What is “Hitler on the Roof,” with songs like “If I Were a Reich Man”? (Leif Picoult)
What’s “Anna and the King of Some Shithole Country”? (Tom Witte)
What are lots of empty seats? (Art Grinath)
DAME AGATHA CHRIST
Which author was most admired by Sir Winston Church? (Diana Oertel)
MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENLAND
What is white, mostly empty, and ICE-friendly? (Jonathan Jensen)
NO MORE THAN AN INCH OR TWO
How much foundation does Donald Trump wear? (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)
How much rope do you have to give JD Vance for him to find a way to hang himself with it? (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)
Did Russian policemen push that antiwar singer Vadim Stroykin over the edge of a balcony? (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)
ONLY MEN
Who is safe in a room with Pete Hegseth after he has had a couple of drinks? (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)
Who insists that there are no male Karens? (Barbara Turner)
ONLY WOMEN
What advice did Luigi Mangione’s lawyers get from his jury consultant? (Steve Smith)
If men know what’s good for them, what will be the only gender to submit Invitational entries beginning with “Only women”? (Jesse Rifkin)
THE OFFICIAL COCKTAIL OF THE NEW ADMINISTRATION
What is a White, Russian? (Gregory Koch, Falls Church, Va.; Rob Huffman)
What is Liberal Tears? (Mark Raffman; Jonathan Jensen)
What’s a Loose-Screw-Driver? (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)
What is An Uncle Tom Collins? (Stephen Dudzik)
What is Crème DeMented? (Diana Oertel)
What is NOT a Negroni? (Chris Doyle)
THE PHILADELPHIA BEAGLES
Who is looking forward to the Supper Bowl? (Jonathan Paul)
Who do the New York Giants follow with bags in their hands? (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio)
THE PHILADELPHIA LEGALS
What law firm burns down the courthouse after it wins a big case? (Tom Witte)
What law firm represents the Pittsburgh Stealers? (Jeff Hazle; Chris Doyle)
What team’s defense never rests? (Chris Doyle)
THE GIGGLE SEARCH ENGINE
What is more popular than Microsoft’s Bada Bing? (Chris Doyle)
And Last: What creepy AI bot will be judging The Invitational, after it cans Pat and Gene? (Beverley Sharp)
The headline “Doable Jeopardy” is by Jon Gearhart; Jon and Kevin Dopart each submitted the honorable-mentions subhead.
Still running — deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, March 1: Our contest to write grammar, etc., questions and answers à la Dave Barry’s “advice” columns.
We now begin the real-time Questions and Observations segment of the Gene Pool, where Gene responds to your questions in real time. Please send in your Q’s and O’s here:
Q: Regarding your question about being defeated athletically by a child. I'm a casual runner. Never been good, never will be, but sometimes try to be. About 5 years ago, when I was in my mid-40s, I made a special effort to get in shape. Real runners won't be impressed, but I was proud to finish our local 10k run in 48:17, my best ever. After the race, they posted the results, and I idly noted that there was a typo: Ava Johnson, who finished in 47:59, was probably 26, maybe 36 or 16. But no, I was beaten by a 6-year-old girl. My ego was somewhat comforted at the awards ceremony, when it was noted that the race was honored to have been the site of a world record: The fastest 10k ever recorded by a 6 year old. (That's no longer the record; another 6 year old ran 46:50.)
A: I believe this is Ms. Johnson:
And now this:
TIMELY TIP: If you’re reading this on an email: Just click on the headline in the email and it will deliver you to the full column online. Keep refreshing the screen to see the new questions and answers that appear as I regularly update the post in real time.
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Oh, and I think you should become a paying subscriber to The Gene Pool if you are not one already. We are friends and colleagues fighting a common battle 24-7. It’s $4.15 a month. I am 73, and the hours are killing me. Not that I am trying to guilt you for my impending death or anything.
Q: I am a 50 year old woman. Ten years ago, I went bowling frequently, and was pretty damn good for an amateur: I averaged about 145. High of 205. One day I played against the son of a friend of mine. He beat me 162-155 (as I recall) by converting a 5-7 split in the tenth frame. He was eight.
A: Okay, Here is a 5-7 split:
And here is an unbelievable 5-7-10 split, just for the hell of it:
Q: Can a bar be an aptonym? – Sean Clinchy
A: Yes, it definitely can.
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Q: This is a spectacular aptonym.
A: Indeed. It made me laugh out loud.
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Q: I can't play this game anymore. I'm too old, stiff, and sober. The game involved throwing a dart in a distinctly irregular fashion. Prudence tells me not to include details lest someone actually attempts to resurrect this throw. And gets hurt. Then sues me. Anyone who let a child attempt this throw would be guilty of negligence. But I was good at it. OK, hardly anyone else ever tried this throw because they weren't that reckless, even after immoderate drinking. Some years later I told this story (details included) to my wife. She blew some air out between pursed lips. "God protects fools and drunks," she said. "Which was I?" "Yes."
A: I am thinking this involved a windmill windup?
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Q: Gene, you recently said that you have not cancelled your subscription and never will. Does that still apply? I have subscribed to the Post my whole life and don't really want to cancel. But I'm feeling like I should. I would appreciate your thoughts.
A: As editor in chief of the Washington Pist, the feet-to-the-fire critic of The Washington Post, I cannot cancel my subscription. I wouldn’t anyway. This is about the garbagy owner, not the rank and file who have jobs they need and deserve.
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Q: I saw a meme long ago that showed various GOP backtrackers who, once a situation hit them personally, suddenly switched sides in the argument. One was Reagan refusing funding for AIDS research - until his good friend Rock Hudson came out about his diagnosis; then Reagan was all for finding a cure. Another was Nancy Reagan being, let's say, less than friendly about Gay rights: until, of course she realized that most of her best friends were Gay.
I believe this is true of most people. Until it affects you, personally, it is something you want abolished. Abortion should be illegal - until you or someone you love needs one (then it was 'justifiable' but only for the person you love). The death penalty should be used all the time - until someone you love is caught in the system and about to die (then it the state murdering the prisoner). Tariffs are a great idea, even if it means shop owners will have to close down - until it is YOUR shop or the store where you shop all the time (I have to pay 25% more for this? Outrageous! Can't we exempt this ONE thing that affects me?).
Melting pot my ass. It has always been all about me and my kind and screw those OTHER people.
A: Think Dick Cheney, and his “evolution” on gay marriage. Think about all the male pols who claim they support women and almost reflexively say, “I have a wife and two daughters…”
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Q: I am proud to be an American, but I am not proud of the people who currently represent us. Because I don't consider them to be Americans as I understand the concept.
A: Frankly, I’m not sure how helpful this is. I suspect they don’t consider you to be an American.
Q: Considering those who support Trump & Musk, I’m reminded of the folks who admire Mussolini for “getting the trains to run on time”
According to Snopes, “one of the best ways to gain the support of the people you want to lead is to do something of benefit to them. Failing that, the next best thing is to convince them that you have done something of benefit to them, even though you really haven't. So it was with Benito Mussolini and the Italian railway system.”
So it is with Trump et al.
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A: Yes. Good comparison.
This is Gene. I am calling us down, but not before you watch this brief clip from Trump’s first cabinet meeting. Note when Musk is speaking, he says he is standing before the best cabinet in the history of the United States. Then he says that the country is very lucky to have it, and then repeats himself but calls it “the company,” not the country. Watch.
Also, please keep sending in questions and Observations here:
Question for y'all: For those who voted for "I'm fine" as their favorite among the top four, were any of you men? Were any of you confused by it?
So no inks for “Vladimir Putin’s toenails.” My feeble effort was “according to the peace deal proposed by the Trump administration, what will Ukraine receive in exchange for giving up its Russian-occupied territory?