What's Wrong With This Picture?

(Hint: It's the caption)

Mister Cool

In the last few days, the United States has assassinated all three top leaders of Iran and killed more than 100 grade school girls in “collateral damage.” Congress has remained characteristically inert, international stock markets are nosediving, JD Vance says he is the coolest vice president in American history, and chaos in the Strait of Hormuz threatens a worldwide spike in gas pri …

Whoa. Let’s roll that back a second. That vice president one.

Understandably, this little moment in little-man hubris pretty much got lost in the ongoing global meltdown. But it’s worthy of brief note, with some historical context and commentary.

The vice president’s comments came during a short speech and photo op in Wisconsin. He was introduced to the crowd by Trump roadie toady Kelly Loeffler, who said Vance was “probably the coolest vice president we’ve ever had.” Taking the lectern, and the cue, Vance responded: “Kelly, that’s a low standard. That is a very low bar. But I do think I clear that bar.”

It’s not a low bar, and he doesn’t clear it. He is as far below the bar as a passed-out drunk. He is as stiff and wooden as an Eberhard Faber #2. He is always borderline awkward, like when you respond to a stranger’s wave, but discover he was waving at someone else. He is less cool than Mr. Fronzi, the new SNL character who makes Steve Urkel seem like Steve McQueen. He has the personality and authenticity of a cyborg. After all, we are talking about the man in this video.

So, just for the record:

Charles Dawes, vice president to Calvin Coolidge, won the Nobel Peace Prize. AND he wrote a #1 hit song, “It’s All in the Game,” recorded by Tommy Edwards and covered by Elton John, Van Morrison, and Nat King Cole.

And he did all that despite looking like this:

Also, he was a descendent of William Dawes, who rode alongside Paul Revere on The Day.

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John Nance Garner, FDR’s first vice president, once said the job of vice president was not worth “a bucket of warm piss.” The newspapers had to tone this down, so it became “warm spit” for posterity. That’s how cool John Nance Garner was.

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Nelson Rockefeller did this.

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Joe Biden was so obviously and famously cool he became a recurring character of old-man hipness in the Onion. Remember Onion Joe? Here were some of the headlines:

Joe Biden Hitchhikes to Democratic National Convention; Biden To Honor Fallen Soldiers By Jumping Motorcycle Over Vietnam Memorial; Biden Implores Obama To ’Rub One Out’ Before Debate; Joe Biden Shows Up to Inauguration with Ponytail; Shirtless Biden Washes Trans Am In White House Driveway; Biden Receives Lifetime Ban From Dave & Buster’s

And here is a REAL picture of the REAL Vice President Joe Biden happily cozying up to some leather hoochie at an Ohio biker bar.

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Dick Cheney shot a guy in the face! While Vice President!

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Teddy Roosevelt, McKinley’s veep, was a very cool man. Once got shot in the chest by a crazed would-be assassin who thought he (Teddy) was taking orders from McKinley’s ghost; the bullet didn’t kill Roosevelt because it was partially deflected by a metal eyeglass case and a 50-page copy of a long speech Teddy was about to give. Roosevelt, a hunter, jammed his fist in his mouth, checked for blood, found none, and concluded he’d be okay. He gave the speech; it lasted 90 minutes. The bullet, lodged in his chest wall, was never removed.

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Finally, here are the opening words of Burr, the brilliant historical novel by Gore Vidal. This is all true:

“SHORTLY BEFORE MIDNIGHT, July 1, 1833, Colonel Aaron Burr, aged seventy-seven, married Eliza Jumel, born Bowen fifty-eight years ago (more likely sixty-five but remember: she is prone to litigation!)” …

“In 1804, Colonel Burr, then Vice President of the United States, shot and killed General Alexander Hamilton in a duel. Three years after this lamentable affair, Colonel Burr was arrested on orders of President Thomas Jefferson, and charged with treason for having wanted to break up the United States.

“A court presided over by Chief Justice John Marshall found Colonel Burr innocent of the treason but guilty of the misdemeanor of proposing an invasion of Spanish territory in order to make himself the emperor of Mexico.

“The New Mrs. Aaron Burr is the widow of the wine merchant Stephen Jumel; reputedly, she is the richest woman in New York City, having begun her days humbly but no doubt cheerfully at a brothel in Providence, Rhode Island…. “

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So.

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From the mailbag:

Q: No historian here, but is Trump the only POTUS to hate dogs?

A: He is the only president to say he hates dogs. He hasn’t said it in so many words, but he is constantly describing people he doesn’t like to dogs. When he feels someone has failed at a criticial task, he’s said “he choked like a dog.” He said of a terrorist he’d assassinated that he “died like a dog.” And he hired Kristi Noem, impressed that she had shot her puppy in a gravel pit.

Trump has said, mysteriously, that owning a dog felt “phony” to him and that he lacked the time. His wife Ivana dropped a dime on him in her memoir: She loved dogs but her husband hated them.

Most presidents have had dogs. The exceptions are James K. Polk (our most dour president), Andrew Johnson (a dumb, bigoted guy who killed Reconstruction), Franklin Pierce (nother dumb, bigoted guy who was behind the Dred Scott decision, and William McKinley, who was a pretty good fellow, despite. If any of these guys hated dogs, he wasn’t stupid enough to say it out loud.

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For those of you who have opinions and observations for the mailbag:

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Aaaand:

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