The Invitational Week 91: Saved!

Tell us funny ways to be thrifty in these parlous times. Plus the winning comparisons of people with the same initials.

Hello.

If you’ve been reading or watching Donald Trump’s speeches — and who hasn’t? — you’ve been duly notified that the American economy is in a death spiral that can be rescued only by the election of a sane, prudent person with an actual plan Donald Trump.

Now that this dire financial disaster is on the table, even if it seems to come only from the former president, we must bravely fight against it as best we can. We must carry the battle into our very homes and lives. The Czar remembers how his grandma — a product of the Depression — dealt with a burnt slice of toast. She would never, ever, throw it out. She would take a knife and scrape off the char, however deep it went. The remaining fragment was barely still toast, but it was consumed, and a whole ha’penny was saved.

For Invitational Week 91: Offer some comical ways to be thrifty. You may tell us a true example of, say, funny family parsimoniousness or idiotic workplace penny-pinching (if so, label it true) or you may invent new ones, as in the fine examples below. These were taken from our only other contest about cheapskatery, which was 21 years ago.

At the bottom of your Christmas cards, write, "P.S., Happy Valentine's Day!" — Elisabeth Kuhn

Kill and cook your own meals. Hint: Security is pretty lax at petting zoos. — Stephen Dudzik

Instead of paying for a personalized license plate, just change your name to match your license plate. — XZC-4147

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Formatting this week: As usual, we ask only that you write each of your entries in a single line (i.e., don’t push Enter in the middle of the entry).

Deadline is Saturday, Oct. 5, 2024, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Oct. 10. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form. 

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-91.

This week’s winner receives, apropos of thriftiness, these cheap-to-mail french fry earrings, cheaply un-logoed but still pretty cute.

What Mrs. Potato Head wears when she gets all dressed up: This week’s prize.

Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Meanwhile, send us questions or observations, which Gene hopes to deal with in real time today. You do this, as always, by sending them to this here button:

Twinitials: The winning pairs of Week 89

In Invitational Week 89, we asked you to compare or otherwise link two people (or two whatevers) who had the same initials. The Czar felt strongly that someone who’s known mostly by three names or initials can’t suddenly have two. And so we didn’t give official ink to, and do not officially applaud, these otherwise ingenious 3-to-2 entries:

M.C. Escher and Mr. Ed: What you see is impossible, of course. (Jesse Frankovich)

Chuck E. Cheese and Chris Christie: One is a rat that makes pizza, and the other eats it.  (Leif Picoult) 

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Third runner-up:
Jesus Christ:  Filled up 5,000 people on five loaves and two fishes.  Joey Chestnut: Fortunately, he wasn’t there. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)  

Second runner-up:
Eddie Murphy: Donkey. Elon Musk: Ass. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)  

First runner-up:
Yo-Yo Ma makes beautiful music with his cello.  Yo Mama makes beautiful music with my organ. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)  

And the winner of the teeny corgi earrings:
Mister Magoo, Marlee Matlin, Marcel Marceau, Michael Myers: See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil, evil. (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.)   

As always, if you feel the best entry is not in the above four, but in the Honorable Mentions, below, tell us in the Comments.

Twoofuses: Honorable Mentions

Joe Biden and James Buchanan: Both are one-term presidents from the Mid-Atlantic, born in 1791. (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.) 

Andrew Carnegie and Al Capone:  Both made such a killing! (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

Amelia Earhart:  She disappeared very suddenly before World War II.  Adolf Eichmann:  He disappeared very suddenly after World War II. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) 

Auguste Rodin: Cast himself a thinker. Ayn Rand: Cast herself as a thinker. (Michael Stein) 

Auguste Rodin could start with a big blob of clay and mold a delicate, beautiful figure out of it. Al Roker has lost a lot of weight, too. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)  

Dylan Thomas raged, raged against the dying of the light; Donald Trump rages, rages against Haitians . . . CNN . . .  Taylor Swift . . . (Richard Pawlak, Lawrenceville, N.J., a First Offender)

Tom Cruise and Ted Cruz: If you were to tell the press that his wife is ugly and his dad killed JFK, Tom Cruise probably wouldn’t give you his endorsement. (Mark Raffman)

Billy Crystal vs. Bill Cosby: One is a rapier wit; the other is just rapier.  (Jesse Frankovich)          

Brazil’s Jair Bolsonaro vs. Italy’s Jean Bugatti:  Bugatti masterminded a coupe.  (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)  

Brett Kavanaugh vs. Burger King: Only one cooked up whoppers under oath. (Jesse Frankovich) 

Clarence Thomas and Cheryl Tiegs: Rich guys want to spend a lot of time with both of them, for some reason. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Daffy Duck is almost as looney tunes as Dinesh D’Souza. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) 

Daniel J. Travanti and Donald J. Trump: Both are known for long-running crime dramas. (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.) 

Donald Trump and Danny Thomas: Two incredibly talented men who don’t get nearly enough credit for all the money they have donated to charities and all the humanitarian work they have done. — John Barron  (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.) 

Tony Stark was a billionaire who saved humanity; Taylor Swift, possibly ditto. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

Edgar Allan Poe: Nevermore. Elvis Aron Presley: Still alive? (Jesse Frankovich) 

Edward Furlong: Pursued by a devious robot. Elmer Fudd: Pursued a devious rabbit.  (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) 

Elon Musk and Elizabeth Montgomery: Only Elon truly believes he has magical powers. (Terri Berg Smith, Rockville, Md.) 

George Clooney and George Costanza: Women wouldn’t care if Clooney experienced shrinkage. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) 

Huey Lewis and Hannibal Lecter: One wants to be Stuck With You; the other wants to make stock with you. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.)  

John Holmes and Jascha Heifetz: Sex and violins. (Chris Doyle)

Larry Bird and Lauren Boebert: Both excellent ball handlers. (Mark Raffman)  

Lauren Boebert and Lenny Bruce: Lenny rubbed people the wrong way. (Duncan Stevens)   

Linda Lovelace:  No limits on what goes into her mouth.  Laura Loomer:  No limits on what comes out. (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.) 

Lois Lane hangs out with Superman. Laura Loomer thinks she hangs out with Superman. (Jonathan Jensen)

Lyndon LaRouche: A bigoted, far-right wackadoodle known for promoting conspiracy theories. Laura Loomer: A bigoted, far-right wackadoodle known for promoting conspiracy theories and eating dog food on camera. (Jonathan Jensen)  

John Lennon: Hey Jude. Jeffrey Lebowski: Hey, Dude. (Chris Doyle) 

Maria Teresinha Gomes: She masqueraded as a man. Marjorie Taylor Greene: She masquerades as an adult. (Michael Stein)

Kamala Harris and Kevin Hart: Unlike her, he’s always been black. – DJT   (Chris Doyle)  

Bob Cerv played with Mickey for nine years. Bill Cosby played with mickeys longer. (Kevin Dopart)  

Jane Austen and Joe Arpaio:  Only the latter showed pride in being prejudiced. (Jesse Frankovich)   

Michael Collins: Orbited the moon. Michael Cohen: Orbited just the asshole. (Kevin Dopart) 

Marty McFly and Mitch McConnell: Stuck in 1955. (Jesse Frankovich)  

Robert DeNiro and Ron DeSantis: Both are known for raging bull.  (Chris Doyle) 

We like to see Simone Biles flying above the bars — and Steve Bannon standing behind them. (Jesse Frankovich) 

Snoop Dogg and Stormy Daniels: Both have had notable experiences with mushrooms. (Jesse Frankovich) 

Sting and Sisyphus: Both were into rock and roll. (Chris Doyle) 

William Spooner: “Steven Wright and I have the same initials.” (Michael Stein)

Jodie Foster and Jesse Frankovich: Only one of these incredibly talented and attractive people has ever heard of the other.  (Jesse Frankovich)  

And Last:  George Washington vs. Gene Weingarten:  Washington refused to go by some pompous imperial  title. (Beverley Sharp)

The headline “Twinitials” is by Chris Doyle; Kevin Dopart wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running — deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Sept. 28: our Week 90 contest for campaign bumper stickers. Click on the link below.

The Invitational Week 90: Stick It

We now enter the coveted Real-Time Segment of The Gene Pool, where Gene tries to respond to your questions and observations, which were made in Real Time. Today’s Q’s and O’s, so far, are largely, but not entirely, about true-life childhood euphemisms for bodily functions. Please send in more Q’s and O’s of any sort:

Also, you might want to send us money by upgrading your subscription to “paid.” You might not, of course, but you might, just for frugality’s sake, which also happens to be a theme for today’s Pool. We have re-calculated it, and determined — this is true — that the cost to you of one column is 24.9 pennies. That’s cheaper than the price of a single chicken egg like the ones JD Vance embarrassingly and inaccurately said cost 32.6 pennies.

Or choose a chicken egg instead:

Q: I was delighted to read in one of the Slow Horses books that “taking a Donald” is slang for pooping. 

When my son was one, he took a Donald in a pot instead of a diaper, for the first time. He produced an offering to be proud of and I said “wow that’s a biggie!” Ever after in our family, doing “a biggie” was the euphemism for pooping - until now, when it will be taking a Donald.

A: I have been unable to verify your central thesis, from Slow Horses.  But “taking a Donald” is an superior suggestion, and we hereby anoint it and encourage virality. 

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Hey, this is from Gene. You must all watch this ten-second video about “a brutal operation.”

And here is another one.

TIMELY TIP: If you’re reading this on an email: Just click on the headline in the email and it will deliver you to the full column online. Keep refreshing the screen to see the new questions and answers that appear as I regularly update the post.

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Q: A friend of mine for some unknown reason taught her sons to refer to their masculine anatomical features as "Mr. Winkus" which I found exceptionally grating and annoying. Well, I'm so glad that she dismissed my argument to use the proper anatomical terms because we would have missed out on this beautiful moment in her life as a mother. She and her husband come from affluent families in a rather snooty kind of country club circle. As such, the ONLY appropriate school for her sons to attend was the one all the other country club parents sent their loin fruit to attend. It was a very upscale private pre-school and cost almost as much per year than I paid for my undergraduate education.

When she and her husband took her toddlers to the school to meet their future teachers and administrators, my friend gasped in horror as the principal, new that year, introduced himself as "Mr. Minkus." Of course, her children were more familiar with the term "Mr. Winkus" having never met any of the Minkus family before and were exceptionally confused believing they had actually heard this man introduce himself as a giant "Mr. Winkus." And before she could intervene, her toddler pulled out his unmentionables to introduce the understandably baffled administrator to his own much smaller "Mr. Winkus."

Horribly embarrassed, she attempted to help her son re-holster his weapon and turned around to see the other twin had his own Mr. Winkus out for the introductions. Ultimately after one of the most uncomfortable explanations she'd ever had to give in her life, the children were accepted into the school on the condition that they be taught the proper names for their anatomical features and be thou\roughly briefed that those anatomical features would never require introductions at school.

A: Thank you kindly.

Q: Two weeks ago a reader shared the tragic story of Kathy Strange, who protested regularly at UPenn.  You mentioned that Molly went there a few years later and never heard about her.  Did you notice your own connection to her?  She attended the Bronx High School of Science, and based on your ages it seems you might have been there at the same time.

A: Thank you.  Not Strange, Change.  Kathy Change.  (She ably represented both words. This is  the young woman who made herself into a street-dancing protester against evils, and then, one day,  self-immolated on a street corner. A dreadfully sad story.    Yes, she attended Bronx Science the year before me.  I did not know her inasmuch as I did not even attempt to know the older girls, who were, at the time, unattainable by the us schmucky boys.  Even more interesting, she then went briefly to NYU, at its Bronx campus.  I was there, too.  As a budding pushy journalist, I would have been emboldened to meet an interesting and attractive upperclassman, but by my calculations, she had dropped out by the time I arrived.

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Q: Like yours, my family said “siss” too, for peeing.   Pooping was “making a whale.”

A: Whoa.  “Whale” is almost poetic.  A big blobby fat body with a tail.  In the ocean.  In return for this gift, I will present you all with this:

Q:  You said, "You are right, the U.S. officially recognizes China as the only China, and Taiwan as a part of China." 

They are not right. The US's One China policy is that they acknowledge that both Taiwan and the People's Republic of China CLAIM there's one China, which contains Taiwan. It's a very carefully worded policy that specifically avoids taking a position on whether either side's claim is legitimate. None of that has all that much bearing on actual Taiwan/China foreign policy, because the on-paper relations between these countries often do not reflect how they've actually behaved for the past half-century; everybody knows that the PRC is very serious about controlling Taiwan someday, whereas Taiwan no longer has any interest in governing China. Full disclosure: I'm writing this from Taipei.

A: Thank you.  It’s convoluted, obviously. However, I agree with the reader who sent in the original: The threat of the U.S. entering into a nuclear war over this remains hugely and incomprehensibly disturbing.

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Q:  My parents taught us to say "grunt" when we had to go.  I thought that was the word everyone used.  I couldn't figure out why people in books would respond to a question with a "grunt".  Fortunately I became a Boy Scout and learned all kinds of interesting words.

A: Yeah, similar to my experience.  I found “sis,” as was used to mean “sister” in countless dopey 1950s and 1960s era sitcoms, completely hilarious.   Your comment reminds me of my interview with Tom Rapp, frontman for the 1960s acid-folk band Pearls Before Swine.   He said that when he wrote this marvelous song. He assumed no one would figure out the dirty word behind it. 

What he didn’t count on was that every Boy Scout in America had been taught Morse Code.  This did not go over well with Moms n’ Dads. 

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Q: Regarding teachers staging incidents for the class, I have a funny story. My first semester freshman year of college, I took an intro to political theory course to satisfy a general education requirement. On the first day of class, someone walked into the room, introduced himself as the professor, and gave the name of the course. All of a sudden, another man burst into the classroom - "Who the hell are you?" he shouted at the first man. "I'm the professor!" He accused the first man of being *gasp* an impostor! The two "professors" then asked us who we thought was the real professor. Some of us speculated based on their appearance - one person said there was no way the man with an ear piercing and a scruffy beard could actually be the professor, since the university would never hire him. Another suggested putting the matter to a vote of the class. A third, trying to take advantage of a power vacuum to pull off a coup, announced that he was now declaring HIMSELF to be the professor, and challenged everyone to stop him. Eventually the real professor (spoiler alert: it was the guy with the ear piercing and beard) revealed the ruse - he had staged this himself with a graduate student - and reminded us of the very important lesson this was supposed to teach us - never be afraid to question authority. I never have been, Professor Tagliarina. And I never will be.

A: This sort of demonstration is apparently more common than I knew.  Other readers had other examples. 

Q: A fart is, obviously, a tushie burp! – Michele Uhler

A: Ew.  Too precious. See, a whale is MUCH better term, if more revolting.

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Q: Two wins in a row for the Sox. Can this be a streak?? — Lynne

A: Waiting with batted breath! Have already bought a plane ticket to Detroit. Um, I made sure it was refundable.

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Don’t you think it’s hilarious that Mayor Eric Adams reassured New Yorkers that they needn’t fret about so many senior City officials facing incarceration ( including his own sorry ass), because the bureaucracy has a deep bench?

A: Yeah, “don’t worry about bribery and corruption getting rid of so many people in my government, there are plenty more of us to step up to the trough.”

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Q: Embarrassing moment that I had repressed until just now: in the days before GPS, I had an interview for a job as a taxi driver. I never made it there because I couldn't find the office.

A: When I applied for a job at the Detroit Free Press in 1977, my first big-time job, I brought a sheaf of clips with me, which meant they were Xeroxed page layouts from my previous newspaper. One was a page proof, which was not copied from the final paper, but was a proof of the page used by printers for layouts.  The stories were on it, but never the ads – there was just white space labeled as ads.  On this page, the printer had handwritten “advertizement.”   My interviewer, the managing editor, dryly inquired if I had written that, too. 

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Q: For penis, mysteriously, my parents used "pee-pee guy." Also, autocorrect just changed "penis" to "punishment." Hmm.

A: Having one is, indeed, sometimes a punishment. 

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Q:  Re euphemisms: When I was about twelve and my prudish mother was, to her surprise, pregnant again, she informed my brother and me  that she would be going to the hospital where they were to take a baby "out of my leg."

A:  Isn’t a 12-year old going to know by sight that the baby isn’t in her leg, unless she ALSO had elephantiasis and was planning to give birth to a roundworm or ten?

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Q: I opened up my EOB from SilverScript to see just how much Medicare was being raped in July on my behalf. I'm on Farxiga, not for diabetes but for my heart.  I was sickened to see that the listed drug price for a 90-day supply was $1,718.46. The plan paid $1,443.51. After seeing this, I wasn't surprised to see that an anagram for "Prescription Drugs" anagrams to "Costs Ripped Ur Ring."

– Jon Gearhart

A: Thanks Jon. 

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Q: A good aptonym in this article, given the context: 

Matthew Tocheri, a paleoanthropologist at Lakehead University in Canada who was not involved in the study, agreed. “I mean, what else could they be?” he asked. “Any alternative seems incredibly unlikely.”

However, lower in the article a paleoanthropologist at Australian National University said she was unconvinced. “More skeletal material of this enigmatic hominid will help in determining if this group represents Homo floresiensis,” she said."

Her name is Deborah Argue. 

A: Inarguably a good situational aptonym, as I call it. 

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This is Gene. I am calling us down. PLEASE KEEP SENDING IN QUESTIONS AND OBSERVATIONS. I need something to do tomorrow except worry about the choking Yankees. Thank you.

See you on The Weekend,