The Invitational Week 87: Get Thee to a Punnery

Change a quote slightly and credit it to someone else. Plus winning limericks.

Cher last September at age 77.

“A thing of beauty is a job forever.” — Cher

“It’s like making candy from a baby.” —Jonathan Swift

“I’m the kin of the world!” — Adam

Hello. You get the point, right?

For Invitational Week 87: Slightly change a well-known quote or saying and attribute it to someone else, as in the examples above from the last time we did this contest, an entire decade ago (full results here); they’re by Chris Doyle, Jon Gearhart, and Danielle Nowlin, respectively but not very respectfully.

Formatting this week: It’s just our usual request to write each of your entries in a single line (i.e., don’t push Enter in the middle of the entry). Boldface, italics, etc., don’t transmit on the entry form, so don’t bother prettying it up.

Deadline is Saturday, Sept. 7, 2024, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Sept. 12. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form. 

Click here for this week’s entry form,  or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-87.

This week’s winner receives a pair of Crocs. But they’re an inch long and they hang from your ears. This is really the only size in which Crocs look presentable.

Warning: May clog the ears. This week’s prize.

Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Meanwhile, send us questions or observations, which Gene hopes to deal with in real time today. You do this, as always, by sending them to this here button:

Hy- Fives: The hu- to hy- limericks of Week 85

In our 21th annual Limerixicon — our contribution to the Grand Quest to create a full English dictionary whose entries are all limericks — we asked you to create lims featuring words beginning with “hu-” through “hy-,” the sliver of the dictionary that OEDILF.com has finally reached. We received hundreds and hundreds of five-liners, many of which were about “humor,” not to mention the ones punning on “humerus.” Most didn’t live up to the words, but we chose a fine one of each below.

Gene is on the record here in The Gene Pool in support of running JD Vance couch jokes, even though the activity in question was entirely made up by some jokester; Gene contends it’s okay because he contends readers know it’s made up and because every late-night comedian — who collectively earn more money monthly than Pat and Gene will make during the remainder of their pathetic lives — thinks it’s great. But Pat, that wet blanket (so to speak), doesn’t agree that the falsity is so clear, and so she pulled the Pat card. But we agreed that this limerick was too well done and funny to ignore, so:

With a number of beers he was plied,
Leading Senator Vance to confide,
“Sure, I’ll take a brunette
If a blonde I can’t get,
But my favorite is still Naugahyde.” (Connie Akers, Radford, Va.)

After-publication update: It occurred to us only just now that the above limerick has no words starting with hu- or hy-! The Empress now remembers that the entry had used the capitalization NaugaHyde, which isn’t right (and wouldn’t have counted anyway), and she blithely went ahead and fixed it without noticing the omission.

Now that we’re announcing the results, feel free to submit your hu-/hy- limericks — inking or not — to OEDILF, the Omnificent English Dictionary in Limerick Form, to add to its 124,000-strong anthology.

Third runner-up:
As a flasher exposes his junk,
He believes he is truly a hunk.
But when giggling ensues
It induces the blues
And alarm that his prospects have shrunk.
(Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Second runner-up:
I am certain I’ve gotten cirrhosis,
And my lungs surely have asbestosis.
But the test results show
That both answers are “no”:
Hypochondria’s my diagnosis.
(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

First runner-up:
At afternoon tea with his boo,
A shy gentleman asked, “Could we do
You-know-what before too long?”
She grinned, poured some oolong,
And answered him, “One hump or two?”
(Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.)

And the winner of the matching plushie sperm and egg key chains:
My existence is humdrum?  No chance!
I’m content, so best not look askance.
I’ve forgone having brats,
Hunkered down with my cats,
And I’m voting against JD Vance. —  Childless Cat Lady
(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

As always, if you think the best among today’s inking entries were unjustly buried in the honorable mentions, shout out your favorites in the comments.

HU Else: Honorable mentions

Did you witness the pole-vaulting star
Who’s among the most hung that there are?
Social media folks
Told a whole lot of jokes
All because he went into a bar.
(Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

RFK’s hypothalamus may
Hold what’s left of a larva that lay
There for years and would lead
To a visceral need
For the taste of dead-bear-cub pâté.
(Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

They pretend to promote our democracy,
While they're flirting with outright autocracy.
Here's the slogan I see
For today’s GOP:
“Make America safe for hypocrisy.”
(Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

A husband and wife found a phrase
To ensure that their happiness stays:
“We will not go to bed
If we’re mad,” they both said.
So far, they’ve been up for three days. (Jesse Frankovich)

To ensure the ideal humectation
You can hawk to provide salivation.
When your boyfriend is randy
But you’re feeling just handy,
He'll go wild for that TikTok sensation.
(Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

Forgive me a bit while I vent
’Bout the SUV money she spent:
I’d requested a hummer —
My first of the summer —
But that’s not at all what I meant.
(Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.)

When your forearm you bang at its base,
Sure it’s rude the doc laughs in your face
While in pain you are shrieking —
But, medically speaking,
He’s right: It’s a humerus case.
(Daniel Galef, Cincinnati)  

How come, when our fortunes have tumbled,
And hopes, dreams, and cookies have crumbled,
There’s a word we don’t use,
Though it’s just what we choose
Every time we’re on top? (Yes, it’s “humbled.”) (Melissa Balmain)

The hunchback from old Notre Dame
Lost his life to a bell tower bomb.
His death was quite gory:
Go read the whole story
Online at DeadRinger.com.  (Craig Dykstra)

When the Great Dane goes out for a stroll,
The passersby find it quite droll,
’Cause he's needing to go,
But the hydrant's too low!
So he looks for a telephone pole.
(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

It’s a “witch hunt”?  Please, give us a break!
How much more of this crap must we take?
It’s a hustle, a smear,
There’s no witchiness here,
Save his preference for “burned-at-the-steak.” (Mark Raffman)

In a clear case of hyperinflation,
Her new cup size was quite the sensation!
With acclaim quite befitting
(Although he was sitting)
He gave her a standing ovation. (Craig Dykstra)

This limerick needs no critiquing!
Just give it the ink that I’m seeking!
It is clearly the best
Entry EVER expressed!
(Well, at least hyperbolically speaking.)
(Jesse Frankovich)

I am colorblind, so it is true
That I cannot distinguish each hue.
This glitch with my eyes
Came as quite a surprise—
It was totally out of the orange. (Jesse Frankovich)

An unworthy trait of humanity
Is how we embolden insanity
And so idolize
A broadcaster of lies —
I’m talking ’bout you, Mister Hannity.
(Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

They tell me that humor's subjective,
But families do share a perspective.
As Dad racks up ink,
I'm starting to think
That maybe a gene is defective.
(52-time Loser Brian Cohen, Winston-Salem, N.C., son of 172-time Loser Rob Cohen)

As a limerick writer I suck.
With weak rhyme and meter I’m stuck.
My hubris will show
’Cause my entries all blow
But I’ll still shrug and say, “What the hey, I’m a paying subscriber, I should enter more often,”
(Terri Berg Smith, Rockville, Md.)

And Last:
I am neither a person who flirts
With rebellion, nor someone who skirts
The instructions, but I
Cannot stop at hy-
Due to inborn avoidance: it Hz.  
(David Franks, Washington County, Ark.)

The headline “Hy- Fives” was submitted by both Kevin Dopart and Craig Dykstra; Jesse Frankovich wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. The headline “Get Thee to a Punnery,” by Chris Doyle, appeared in the results of our 2014 contest.

Still running — deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Aug. 31: our Week 86 contest for creative names for various pets. Click on the link below.

The Invitational Week 86: Call Your Dog

Now we enter the real-time portion of the Gene Pool, where Gene will take your questions and observations, and respond to them, in real time. Today, so far, we’ve got a lot of questions related to really bad advice you’ve once received. Send your stuff to this awesome Creamsicle-colored button:

Also, a pitch: You can 1) Support The Gene Pool and get full access to its goodies for the small price of $4.15 a month, or, 2) endorse Donald Trump and everything he stands for by denying us support but reading us for free and then informing on us to your handlers at The Evil Trump Machine. The choice is yours. This is a free country, at least for the moment.

So:

Or, 2)

Follow the instructions here and declare your solemn allegiance to Donald Trump:

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Good.

Q: I noticed that the Sunday Barney & Clyde does not have your name on it, but rather “Mertens and Clark.” What gives?

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A: It was not by me.  It was by Loser Sam Mertens, a deserving winner of the Barney & Clyde writing contest!  We give credit where credit is doo-doo.

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Q: This is Barry Louis Polisar. Regarding your piece on Jonathan Swift and Larry David:

I used to be a vegetarian. in 1974 and when people discovered it, they’d want to know how I was getting enough protein if I didn’t eat meat. The song “I Eat Kids” was my answer to that. A year later I began writing and performing for kids and I used that song for the title of my first album, adding “and Other Songs for Rebellious Children” to the record title. It was a nod to Jonathan Swift of course and back then, most people got that it was a joke. This new generation is much more literal and satire does not seem to be something they would ever consider. Someone on Tik Tok recently found my song and shared it there; the comments to his post left me shaking my head.

Later, I turned the song into a Klezmer polka.

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A: Thanks, BLP. Great song. One of my faves of yours. Man, you are good. Even when not technically singing. Hey, let’s do another column together.

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TIMELY TIP: If you’re reading this on an email: JUST CLICK ON THE HEADLINE IN THE EMAIL AND IT WILL DELIVER YOU TO THE FULL COLUMN ONLINE. Keep refreshing the screen to see the new questions and answers that appear as I regularly update the post.

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Q: Regarding your piece about jury duty. That is not about jury duty, but it is about court.  Last fall, four Boy Scouts broke into my library, and stole about $200.  They were charged with various felonies (they are minors). Months later, three of them agreed to plea to a lesser charge.  The fourth wanted a trial.  I received my first and hopefully only ever subpoena.  Finally, in August, court administration called me to say the last Boy Scout (ha) agreed to plea, so there wouldn't be a trial and I wouldn't need to testify as to the victim's viewpoint.  I am glad it is all resolved, but kind of sad I didn't get to add "testify at a trial" to my list of life experiences.

A: I am not sure I fully understand what your point is, but am assuming you mean that you would have testified in a way that would have let him off.  Me, too.   And I would have tried to do it in a profound and quotable way, in a “Yes, Virginia” way that would have put there-but-for-grace of God, generational-based context to it.  Right?

Good Lord, I hate the overcharging crimes, especially for yoots. I remember being a yoot. I am forever astounded when I do a poll and discovered the blood lust that too many people have. AND the misunderstanding of the severity of prison sentences: Ten years is a LONG time for a non-violent crime. And is so often a counterproductive thing to impose.

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Q:  I think the African king you were referring to is Ewuare of Benin.  Google isn’t being that helpful to confirm, though.

A:  I believe that was the king, yes, whose chosen name meant, loosely translated, “it is cool.”  Other definitions have it as  "the trouble has ceased." Close enough.

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Q: Regarding your last Invitational: "Change the rules to say the second horse across the finish line is the winner." This reminded me of the famous 1994 soccer game in which both teams tried to score on themselves.

A: Yeah, it is spectacular.

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Q: Hi Gene. It’s me. You know who I am. We did something together years ago, something nobody knows about but us, and if word got out, we would both be ruined. You know who I am, you know what we did, and please submit this question to the Gene Pool if you understand, with ominous music. If you do not understand, congratulations, you are innocent and passed the test. This may or may not be real. Only you and I know the truth and maybe not me. 

A: Yeah, I remember it very well.  It involved an iguana, a tattoo, a horsewhip and a corn cob. The best part was the force-fed Indian curry.

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Q:  More horrifying than competitive hobbyhorsing is the ad presented by Youtube that I had to see first. General Motors has decided to deal with the problem of selling giant gas-guzzling Hummers that try to hurry up the process of destroying the planet, by introducing a new version of a 1980's technology -- 4-wheel steering. The behemoth can sidle sideways into parallel parking spaces rather than forcing the owner to consider whether this personal office building on wheels is really a sensible purchase.

A: Four-wheel steering. How lazy can we get? It’s just another reason Europeans can hate us. They are right about everything.

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Q: As of this writing, an overwhelming majority of people have no idea what "Tch tch tch tch" noises are, over the, in response to a question responding minor research! Would it help if someone recorded a dramatization? "Let's see ... Q, R, S, tch tch tch tch, tch ... Smith!" Perhaps people would properly disapprove of it if they realized what it was.

A: The results of this Gene Pool question astounds me. HOW CAN ANY OF YOU, LET ALONE MOST OF YOU, not have recognized this?

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Q: Many moons ago - I have been married for more than 30 years and it was before that - i signed up with a dating service. This was before online versions existed. I had two awful dates, but only awful in the sense of boring. Then the service called me and asked me for a favor. Given that I spoke a certain foreign language, would I consider going to dinner with a man who had been sent on several dates; not only had they not clicked, the service was getting complaints about him. And I could have a couple of free dates if I helped them out. We meet at the old roast beef restaurant that used to be in the heart of Roslyn.  That foreign language was not the first language for either of us, but we made do. The man was an artist. As dinner was winding down, he asked if he could show me some of his paintings and photographs in a 3-ring binder. OMG! Dead bodies, gruesomely dead. Orgies that went horribly wrong with blood flowing. Sex with animals. S&M with children. Aaaaaggghhh. Now it's back in my brain again. Wait, I will reread your anecdote. Okay, calmer now. He asked if we could see each other again and I said no. They he asked if he "service" me since we both knew single women needed sex. I got away from there as fast as I could. I suggested the service drop him. I never used up the rest of my dates cause I met my now-husband. 

A:  Good God.  Had they not told you the nature of the “complaints?”  Had you not asked?  NOT THAT I AM BLAMING THE VICTIM. I am not. But still.

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Q: Regarding things I’d happily pay more for: I have two SqueezeDrivers. I picked up the second as a backup to the first when I saw a small crack in the housing of the first one. I had used the first one heavily for a long time. It won a design award. When I saw another, it was still only $10. I would have gladly paid twice or more for it. 

See the story of the rise and fall of the tool here.

The patents ran out and cheap knockoffs are being sold online. Maybe they work, but they are probably nowhere near as durable. My original and its backup are still in use. One is in the basement utility area and the other is upstairs.

A: This is fascinating. I am going to end The Gene Pool here.

PLEASE keep sending in Questions and Observations here.

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