The Invitational Week 83: Stop, Hey, What's That Sound?
Tell us what these noise-words mean. Plus our caption contest winners.
Hello. Welcome to the Invitational Gene Pool, friends. Lend us your ears:
Yip-yip-yip-yip, mum-mum-mum-mum
Abracadada
Bong bong bong boing
Gliddy glub gloopy, nibby nabby noopy
Boo-hoo hooboy
Tock-tick, Tock-tick
Fee-fi-fo-fump
Bang-whiz
Pa rum pum pum rump
Oop-alley
Bada-bing, bada-bingo
For Invitational Week 83, we want you to make sense out of any, some, or all of the above sound effects. Possibly for good reason, we have done this contest only once before, 28 years ago. Never did it again. We think it merely coincidence that this was also the first contest that entailed, between Pat and Gene, a very testy drag-out fight respectful disagreement over the suitability of one entry, which Gene felt was just splendid and Pat felt was monstrous. We can reveal it now in The Gene Pool: The sound was “Fizz Fizz Plop Plop,” and the Loser’s translation was “Two toddlers find the Drano under the kitchen sink.” We did not run that entry in the results 28 years ago, and Pat has decided we have amicably agreed that the sound will not be used as a clue again.
Among the results that did get ink in 1996 (full list here):
What is “E-I-E-I-Ow”? The nuns always used a metal-tipped ruler to enforce “I before E.” (Jennifer Hart)
What is “Fa la la la la la la THUD”? Decking the halls beyond their structural integrity. (John Kammer)
What is “Nyuck nyuck nyuck BANG”? T.S. Eliot’s original explanation of how the world ended. (Art Grinath)
Formatting this week: Please begin each entry with the sound name you’re defining, so we can sort all the entries by category. (Don’t start them with “What is” as above.) Make each entry one single line, as in the examples above; if your sound isn’t on the same line as your definition, we’ll be totally lost, and you will have totally lost.
Deadline is Saturday, Aug. 10, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Aug. 15. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form.
Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-83.
This week’s winner gets these luxurious earrings. You may follow their directions however you interpret them, except that you should not put either of them in the ear canal. Stay with the lobe.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.
Meanwhile, send us questions or observations, which we hope to deal with in real time today. You do this, as always, by sending them to this here button:
Art of Snarkness: Winning captions from Week 81
In Invitational Week 81 we presented a series of pictures and invited you to send us as many as 25 captions for them. The winner and three runners-up appear in boldface under the respective pictures.
Feeling conspicuous, Ed regrets having left his jacket at home. (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)
As they say, Cheetos never win. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)
Dan wondered how well the witness protection program was really concealing his identity. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)
He was a chemist with a Nobel Prize, but he knew even before it was his turn at the mic that he could not compete for the hearts of voters with Baked Beans Man. (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)
Corporate policy was to be respectful of people who still chose to wear masks, and Doug was going to make the most of it. (Sam Mertens)
Despite his issue with the flambé, Bob was happy with his third-place finish in the annual company cook-off. (Steve Geist, Mechanicsville, Va.)
“Arthur J. Smith, Sensible Party, 30,612. Jethro Q. Bunn Whackett Buzzard Stubble and Boot Walrustitty, Silly Party, 33,108.” (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)
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First runner-up: The Mr. and Mrs. Human Head set was missing a few pieces, much to the dismay of its owner, Timmy Potato. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)
Third runner-up: (To “If I Only Had a Brain”)
It seems we weren’t the smartest
To choose the cheapest artist –
Our portrait’s a disgrace.
I don’t like the V-neck sweater
But it could have been much better
If we only had a face. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)
At couples therapy, Joan and especially Bob had been advised to be more self-effacing. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)
It’s Prosopagnosia Awareness Month. (Jeff Contompasis)
You know how some couples finish each other’s sentences? That just never happens with Blanca and Greg. (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio)
A little-known fact about the mannequin species is that it’s the male who carries a fetus to term. (Sam Mertens)
He wanted to kiss her, but he just didn’t have what it takes. (Jeff Contompasis)
The Blancos were a veritable power couple at the casinos, but it wasn’t long before they were no longer allowed at the poker tables. (Sam Mertens)
Once again, the contest for the best Star Trek costume came down to a face-off. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)
And then the cartoonist suddenly drew a blank . . . (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.; Judy Freed)
Hotbottom and Superstud had memorable names, but utterly forgettable faces. (Beverley Sharp)
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Second runner-up: “Get it? ’Cause our faces are long!” (Steve Geist)
“Did you hear what that human’s-ass said at the Republican convention?” (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)
“Laugh, Misty, but I swear that woman with the brush is grooming us.” (Frank Osen)
“And then I says to him, ‘Screw you and the man who rode in on you!’” (Jon Gearhart)
“So I waited until they had that little brat all saddled up, and then I dropped and rolled on my back and that’s why I don’t have to do pony rides anymore.” (Sam Mertens)
“Are those Invitational weirdos trying to make us mate again? I keep telling them we’re both males!” (Duncan Stevens)
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The Uvula ID scanner on the iPhone never took off. (Marc Leibert, Travis AFB, Calif.)
Siri was getting on in years and was now a little hard of hearing. (Duncan Stevens)
Representative! REP-RE-SEN-TA-TIVE!!! (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.; Jon Gearhart)
Randy decided to record “Nessun Dorma” as his voice mail greeting. (Tom Witte)
The winner of Farts: A Spotter’s Guide:
Justice Alito’s law clerks thought the flag on the family’s house looked just fine. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)
This image is obviously AI-generated: Look at the feet growing out of their heads, and chains growing from their arms! (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)
On his LDS mission, Brigham found it easy to hook up with other swingers. (Kevin Dopart, Naxos, Greece)
The G-rated version of “Fifty Shades of Grey” turned out not to have much of an audience. (Mark Raffman)
The American Red Cross notes that it’s easy to stop a nosebleed while at the park. (Kevin Dopart)
A recently discovered photo of a young JD Vance and his girlfriend casts further doubt on his “hillbilly” status. (Duncan Stevens)
“’Tis not thee, ’tis me.”(Jesse Frankovich)
“Wouldst thou wish to Byron and chill?” (Kevin Dopart)
He found his soul mate when he saw her soul patch. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.)
“If you would only listen to the science, milady, you would know that one cannot become with child under a crescent moon.” (Tom Witte)
“I’m sorry to disappoint you, milady, but you see, I’m one of Robin Hood’s “merry” men. (Tom Witte)
“Yes, that’s where I hanged my last wife.” (Mark L. Asquino, Santa Fe, N.M.)
And finally the Gene Pool Gene Poll:
As always, if you feel none of those is the best among today’s inking entries, shout out your favorites in the comments.
The headline “Art of Snarkness” is by Chris Doyle.
Still running — deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Aug. 3: our Week 82 contest to choose a line from Taylor Swift’s latest album (we have the lyrics for you) and pair it with your own rhyming line. Click on the link below.
Now we enter the real-time portion of the Gene Pool, where Gene will take your questions and observations, and respond to them, in real time. Send your stuff to this awesome Creamsicle-colored button:
Many of the questions and observations that we’ve received so far involved The Divan Comedy over J.D. Vance, and our call for details about the worst day/week/year of your life.
Q: Do you and Pat have different tastes in humor, vis-à-vis the Invitational?
A: This is a surprisingly timely question, inasmuch as it arrived before today’s intro — with that Plop-Plop explanation — went public.
The answer is a little complicated. If our tastes in humor were expressed in a Venn diagram, the two circles would be almost concentric with the same radii, but not quite. We each would have a sliver of circle that is not within the other’s circle.
In Pat’s case, the sliver would be a willingness to love an entry that is spectacularly clever and/or erudite, if not spectacularly funny otherwise. In fact, I believe she believes that spectacularly clever = very funny. On my sliver, there is a willingness to love an entry that is (to me) spectacularly funny but not spectacularly clever or erudite. If an entry compels you to imagine a giraffe on a toilet, I’m aboard.
Also, Pat has no patience for any entry that implies injury to children or animals. I have some patience for these. And yet, and yet … today she chose an entry involving a horse rolling over on a kid. So who can say for sure?
But mostly we are humor clones. Pat, do you want to weigh in here?
From Pat: Gene and I definitely agree on what’s funny more than we disagree, but now that (most weeks) each of us separately reads all the entries in a given contest, we’ve discovered that we’ll often have considerably different lists of favorites.
And while I certainly enjoy — and laugh at — clever wordplay, I don’t think our differences can be distilled into Pat Likes Clever, Gene Likes Funny. I love fresh, wacky approaches to old humor tropes, and even just some off-the-wall ideas — sometimes even ones that don’t thrill Gene. Case in point: You know that photo above with the two young adults leaning back in the swings at the beach? I got a big kick out of Howard Ausden’s caption: “See what retirement’s done for us! — Joe and Jill, May 2025.” It just made me laugh. Didn’t make Gene laugh.
But mainly, rather than clever vs. funny, I think our differences are probably most evident in subject matter: Gene likes more poop jokes, I like more sex jokes. I like more observational humor about daily life — going shopping, working in the office, being a parent, dealing with your parents, etc. Not surprisingly, I think I like more humor about the lives of women.
We both have welcomed more political humor in recent years because it’s just inevitable — you cannot ignore the giant bellowing suppurating elephant in the room. We both like the cleverness of light verse — and Gene writes it so well himself. I think I more actively try to combat the fact that we are now both Medicare years old and our pop culture references date so often from the middle of the previous century (even though that’s my headline atop this page); I was especially excited to run last week’s Taylor Swift tailgater contest (still running!).
I do concede Gene’s point that I tend not to like humor that gives me graphic images of people undergoing severe suffering or humiliation; the violence needs to be exceedingly cartoonish for me to laugh at such jokes.
Like this one from 2001, which I made the winner of a contest to describe what ordinary objects “really”were: For one of a pair of dice, by Hall of Famer Jennifer Hart: “After the tragic accident with the trash compactor, there were only 100 Dalmatians.”
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TIMELY TIP: If you’re reading this on an email: JUST CLICK ON THE HEADLINE IN THE EMAIL AND IT WILL DELIVER YOU TO THE FULL COLUMN ONLINE. Keep refreshing the screen to see the new questions and answers that appear as I regularly update the post.
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It might behoove you to keep your subscription status at “free,” inasmuch as your parsimony might mean you will find yourself in Hell, with hooves. You can forestall this by converting a free subscription to paid:
Or, if you wish, you can simply register your dislike of Donald Trump here:
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Q: My worst day: I was visiting my in-laws when the toilet wouldn't flush. My MIL said, "Oh, that happens, here's a bucket." I took it, doubtfully. I was unaware of how a bucket might help in that scenario, but gave it a shot. Then I reappeared in the living room with the bucket...containing the poo that I had manually extracted from the toilet. My MIL let me know I was supposed to fill the bucket and pour it into the back of the toilet to coax a flush. I am a woman. I almost died of being mortified.
A: Disclaimer – This post did not come in to the Gene Pool. I lifted it from Reddit because because it fit the week’s challenge, and because I believe it, and because You Deserve It. For clarity, I turned it from third person to first person.
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Q: When people see falsehoods being shared about stuff Vance has said, and learn that it's not true, they then may draw the incorrect conclusion that all the posts about crazy stuff Vance says are also false.
That's why I still vote no to your poll.
– Scott A
A: Interesting point. On one hand, there are videos of Vance saying his insane bigoted stuff. Such as that people with children should get extra votes. It is not debatable. On the other hand, of course, most people’s knowledge of current events is epidermal; they don’t exactly pay attention to fact-checker journalists. So you have a point, IMO.
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Q: I liked what you did with the two orange buttons at the end of the email. It almost made me pony up for a paid subscription.
A: If I do it again, will you come up with the scratch?
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Q: The genius of the JD Vance/sofa story is it flips what Trump does. Invent a false name/story and then repeat it because it seems catchy, coincides with what his followers want to believe, etc. As your pal David Simon observed on X, it is false that Vance has sex with sofas but indisputable that he looks like he has sex with sofas. What the Dems should do is raise the story every time Vance lies. as in: "The Couchf*cker lied when he said Vice President Harris opposed extending the higher child tax credit that she and the entire Biden administration supported and which in fact was blocked by Republicans." We need a politer term, I guess, than Couchf*ucker but I haven't come up with one. BTW, I think Vance looks like a chipmunk with his cheeks stuffed with MAGAnuts.
A: I think he looks like the hated head of intra-fraternity council in college, who for some reason wears eyeliner.
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Q: It looks like my question about where Vance got the money for Yale was answered in today's Wapo.
"Vance’s financial status also undermined his sense of belonging, he wrote in his book, calling himself “one of the poorest kids” on campus. He paid for Yale through a combination of student loans, generous financial aid and the Yellow Ribbon Program, a Department of Veterans Affairs initiative that helps veterans afford private, graduate or out-of-state schools."
So someone WAS asking (besides me!). And now I ask, is anybody calling him out on this?
– Tom Logan, Sterling, VA
A: Let’s watch it play out. I shall make a suggestion to my former newspaper.
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Q: The Divan Comedy might be the first good joke to come out of the lie about what Vance has been lying with.
A: Thank you. I THINK it was original.
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This is Gene. I think we all need to know what the despicable “internet personality” Laura Loomer tweeted yesterday.
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Q: RE: Propriety of making untruthful allegations: It appears that you were on the edge of clarifying the entire matter when you stated that the Vance-couch affair was a joke. Here’s my problem: I wasn’t in on the joke, and took the allegation seriously. OK, so I’m a little slow. Admittedly, I tend not to read or watch much in the manner of politics, celebrities, and all that stuff, so I don’t keep up with what’s “in” and what’s “out.” In other words, when it came to Vance and his couch, I wasn’t in on the joke (until now). Pretty funny, now that I know.
My point is that there has to be a clear definition of what is intended as a joke. Is it any less injurious to tell a racist “joke”? There are many who would state that there is no such thing as a funny racist story. I bow to their sensitivities. As for me, I’m Portuguese on my mother’s side and Scottish on my father’s side. My older brother and I used to swap “Portagee” jokes regularly. (Think Polish jokes, and change the nationality/ethnicity.). Feel free to tell all the Portagee-Scottish jokes to me that you know. My wife once informed a colleague of my racial-ethnic background, and he replied “Wow - Scottish and Portuguese - he should have been a pirate!” To which I can only reply that I worked for a lawyer for 26 years. How much closer can you get?
Well, I think it’s funny. – Jack M.
A: It is. And Your point is well taken. I contend that, in the proper circumstances, and with the proper joke teller, almost any subject can be funny. I think many racial/ethnic/misogynistic/homophobic jokes are plainly not about hatred and intolerance, but about the idiocy of stereotypes. I am not in the majority in this feeling, and understand that. In fact, I am in the, haha, minority.
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Q: One of my favorites Vance jokes: If Vance becomes Vice President, Turkiye will probably withdraw from NATO - because of what he did to the Ottomans.
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Q: My understanding of the "Bus Plunge" stories in the NY Times is that they were pulled off the wire and used to fill small spaces before the advent of fully computerized typesetting and page layout.
A: Yes, this is true. They would collect them and use them to fill space. Sometimes, they were weeks old.
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Q: I should note that in college, when D’Souza was writing for the right wing student paper, we referred to him as “Distort D'Newza.”
A: Nice.
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Q: We euthanized our dog earlier today. We adopted her from a rescue two-and-a-half years ago. She was anxious, high-strung, and largely uninterested in physical affection. She was also an adorable goofball. A few months ago, she began to suffer from inexplicable fits (possibly neurological in origin, though no vet could identify the cause) in which she would attack anything in her immediate vicinity -- toys, furniture, humans. It wasn't aggression, exactly; it was more like she was on a bad trip. Anywhere from 10 minutes to 2 hours later, she would return to her right mind. A few peaceful days would pass, then another fit. She never put anyone in a hospital, but my wife's scar is a crystal clear harbinger of where things were headed. We tried just about every treatment suggested by the bevy of professionals we consulted, as attested by the judgy pharmacist at our local Giant ("your dog's on a lot of medication"). We lived in a more-or-less constant state of worry and fear for months. At length, we acceded to the inevitable. We held her in our arms as the vet injected the drug that stopped her thoroughly healthy heart. Now she's gone, Gene, and it hurts so bad. I don't know why I'm telling you this. I guess I thought you would understand.
A: Oh, I do. Believe me, I do.
Just the other day, Lexi was lost in the woods near Wolftrap for 20 minutes before she returned, proud of herself. You know what I felt like.
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Q: I believe you are misunderstanding the act the Hawk Tuah girl is describing. She is describing, um, drinking from the firehose. If you drink from the firehose, at some point you will find your mouth filled with, um, firehose water, which she is saying you then spit out. She is spitting *out*, not *on*, "that thang". What she is spitting out is not a sputum loogie; rather, it is firehose water. I will add that this discussion, coupled with a discussion I recently participated in on Facebook of the performance of different toilet models, represents true peak Internet.
A: Sigh. Nope, she says “spit ON that thang.” Clear as a bell.
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Q: I've started the latest Invite contest. I've listened to Taylor's songs for years, finding them catchy and fun to listen to the first thousand times. But, man, now that I'm studying her lyrics more in depth, I have a couple of observations: 1) She is whiny and 2) She is not the poet she probably thinks she is. She's a thirty-something woman who writes like a teenage girl. Taylor, babe, can we talk? Just the two of us? Move on with your life. We get that you've been burned a million times. But if you're happy now in your current relationship, here's some advice: enjoy it. Write some happy songs. Tap into a level of emotional maturity that matches your age. Audit a poetry class at a local college. Let an English professor give you the cold, hard truth about some of your lyrics. You're talented as heck. You write killer melodies. But up your game in terms of the lyricism and the maturity.---Love, Travis K.
A: I agree. But, uh, it seems to be working for her.
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Q: If Biden really timed his dropout right, he would have done it right in the middle of Trump’s speech at convention so the networks would have cut in, he’d have had to suddenly switch gears, he’d make a bunch of stupid off the cuff remarks and probably say something racist and sexist about Kamala which they can then replay to show how horrible he is. –
A: Nope. I would say it would simply have given Trump an opportunity to address her candidacy viciously.
But more important, the appalling events of yesterday at the NABJ forum proves that he is not ashamed of his racism, and enthusiastically is willing to flog it. It’s a feature to him, not a flaw. He appears to know his base.
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Q: In response to Tom The Butcher questions about how you would address a non-binary president: Looking forward to the First Couple being introduced as "Madame President. And Doug". Dan Sachs
A: That would be lovely.
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Q: My actual day-to-day experience is more affected by the Genrpool than by the Federal government. The Genepool is run by a bombastic autocrat, so do I really need to fear Trump’s re-election?
A: Actually, it is only run by a bombastic autocrat on Tuesdays and Saturdays. On Thursdays, it is run by bombastic Duocrats.
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Q: Please note that attempts to comment take the user to Week 75. There is no way to leave a comment on today's posting.
A: Agh. Sorry. Some people have found a way around it, but here is the right button:
It is also corrected above.
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Okay, we are done. Please continue to send in Questions and Observations. We will address them on Tuesday. Send them in here:
This was the best: He wanted to kiss her, but he just didn’t have what it takes. (Jeff Contompasis)
Sam Mertens' doubts about the effectiveness of the witness protection program made me laugh. I also liked Judy Freed's regret about not wearing a suit jacket for the photo.