The Invitational Week 82: Taylorgaters

Take a line from a 'Tortured Poets' lyric and rhyme it with one of your own. Plus winning list-linkers.

Now I’m running with my dress unbuttoned,
At Olive Garden I should not have gluttoned.
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I was a functioning alcoholic till nobody noticed my new aesthetic
These lines I write will gross a ton, but man, they ain’t poetic.

Hello. Today’s contest was occasioned by an email we got from a Millennial named Jesse Rifkin, who oh so politely suggested that we might want to consider — you, know, just throwing it out there — running a “tailgater” contest that does not betray the fact that, combined, the Czar and Empress are 137 years old. Something with Taylor Swift, perhaps. Mr. Rifkin is 32, two years younger than Ms. Swift, and he dryly pointed out that our previous such contests were on lyrics from the Beatles, Bob Dylan, and Shakespeare.

Okay, punk, you want new? We got new.

For Invitational Week 82: Choose any line from any of the 31 songs in Taylor Swift’s new, unbelievably popular album “The Tortured Poets Department” (see below how to find the lyrics) and add a rhyming line to it — either atop it or after it — for comedic effect, as in our two examples above. (They’re from “But Daddy I Love Him” and “Fortnight,” respectively.) Even if Tay-Tay didn’t rhyme the line in her own song, you must. Your couplet doesn’t have to be singable to the original tune, though.

A generous Swifty who goes by the name mountaingoatscheese on Reddit shared a link to a homemade compilation of Taylor lyrics dating back to 2006; Click here for the lyrics of the “Tortured Poets” songs — fourteen of which occupied the top fourteen slots on the Billboard Hot 100 a couple of months ago (ignore the links on that page to all the older material). Pleeeeeze tell us the title of the song your line comes from.

Click here for this week’s entry form,  or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-82. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form.  Formatting: Please write each couplet as a single line divided with a slash, rather than on two separate lines; we’ll restore them to proper couplet-hood on this end.

Deadline is Saturday, Aug. 3, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Aug. 8.

This week’s winner gets a truly adorable pair of dainty earrings in a classy toilet paper motif. They’re so convenient, too: Say your pet cockroach feels the call of nature right now — just pull one of these babies off your lobe and wipe him up. And most important of all: You can hang them with the edge of the toilet paper on either side!

Aren’t they the most charmin little earrings? This week’s prize.

Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Meanwhile, send us questions or observations, which we hope to deal with in real time today. You do this, as always, by sending them to this here button:

Ink-Comparable Humor: Like/unlike winners from Week 80

In Invitational Week 80, we once again posted a list of 17 random noun phrases — “an outie bellybutton,” “cargo shorts” etc. — and asked how any two of them were similar or different. A lot of you, as we did, took “6-3” to mean the right/left divide of the current Supreme Court — and the tally of so many of its decisions — but others saw it equally validly as a work shift,  someone’s height, or a sports score. Alert: The results are unusually risque, even for us; it was the option of “The Hawk Tuah Girl” that is responsible.

Third runner-up:
Commander Biden pisses on the White House;
The Alitos’ flagpole pisses off the White House.  (Kevin Dopart, Naxos, Greece)

Second runner-up:
Commander Biden and the Hawk Tuah Girl:  One bites and the other sucks. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

First runner-up:
A mask you still have from 2020: A pandemic reminder.
6-3: A Dem panic reminder. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

And the winner of Dave Prevar’s kidney:
The Alitos’ flagpole: “Stop the steal!”
6-3: The steal. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

Today’s Gene Pool Gene Poll:

As always, if you feel none of those is the best among today’s inking entries, shout out your favorites in the comments.

Lack-alikes: Honorable mentions

Steve Bannon’s cellmate vs. a Chat GPT love letter:  One’s with a guy who loves deep fakes; the other’s from a guy who fakes deep love. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)  

A tube of Crest vs. Steve Bannon’s cellmate: Only the cellmate is likely to be found in the vicinity of Steve Bannon. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

An outie bellybutton reflects your connection to your mother.  Rizz reflects my connection to your mama.  (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

The Hawk Tuah Girl: Oh, feel gal spit a lot! The Alitos’ flagpole: An anagram of that. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)  

A ChatGPT love letter and the Hawk Tuah Girl both involve spitting out something that isn’t exactly romantic.  (Jesse Frankovich)

A mask you still have from 2020 and the Hawk Tuah Girl: You might come upon either one in the back seat of your car. (Jesse Frankovich)

6-3: Someone’s working and getting out early. Steve Bannon’s cellmate: Someone working on getting out early.  (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

A runny nose and  that one ear hair that keeps growing back:  They both became the least of Marie Antoinette’s problems. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

A mask you still have from 2020: Now it’s not on your face. A runny nose: Now it’s snot on your face.  (Jesse Frankovich)

A tube of Crest and 6-3: Both are apt to make things a whole lot whiter. (Mark Raffman; Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) 

6-3 vs. rizz: Money can’t buy you rizz. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

A runny nose and the Hawk Tuah Girl: The runny nose might come in handy on occasions when her mouth is dry. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

A tube of Crest and A Chat GPT love letter:  Both contain artificial sweeteners. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

A tube of Crest  and Commander Biden: Foaming at the mouth is acceptable from only one  of these. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

A tube of Crest gives people fresh breath. People give Commander Biden flesh breath. (Chris Doyle)

Cargo shorts: They keep  your junk handy.  The Hawk Tuah Girl: Is handy with your junk. (Jonathan Jensen)

6-3: An undesirable hearing outcome.  That one ear hair that keeps growing back: An undesirable earring outcome. (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

Commander Biden vs. the Hawk Tuah Girl: Vicious vs. viscous. (Tom Witte; Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)  

Shrinkflation vs. the Hawk Tuah girl: Only with the first does your package get smaller. (Mike Gips; Steve Smith)  

The Alitos’ flagpole vs. Earth’s molten core: With the core, you know you can’t go any lower.  (Diana Oertel, San Francisco)

The Alitos’ flagpole and a runny nose: With either one, people might be disgusted by what’s hanging there. (Judy Freed)  

You know who’d be great as Steve Bannon’s cellmate? Commander Biden. (Jon Ketzner)

The headline “Ink-Comparable Humor” is by Tom Witte; Jesse Frankovich wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running — deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, July 27: our Week 81 caption contest — choose from seven images. Click on the link below.

The Invitational Week 81: Picture This

Now we enter the real-time portion of the Gene Pool, where Gene will take your questions and observations, and respond to them, in real time. Send your stuff to this awesome Creamsicle-colored button:

Many of the questions and observations that we’ve received so far are, not surprisingly, about politics. Some involve ugly clothing. Some are new takes on old subjects. If you are reading this in real time, please remember to keep refreshing the page to keep up with new questions and answers.

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This is Gene: Before we officially dive in live, I need to vent. As I see it, there is something seriously wrong with the saga of the Hawk Tuah Girl. Two things, actually, and neither has been publicly confronted, as far as I know.

First wrong thing: “Hawk Tuah” is, onomatopoetically, suggesting a loogie, which is not just saliva. The classic definition, from Wiki:

The term loogie is typically used to refer to sputum, a mixture of phlegm and nasal mucus expectorated from the throat by coughing. It may also refer to: Hawking a loogie, inhaling hard to force nasal mucus to collect at the back of the throat, then spitting it out, typically resulting in a loud throat-clearing sound.

I contend this is not sexy, which is how it has been treated uniformly across the Web, including in our answers today. Is this really a lubricant that’s favored by people? Isn’t simple saliva a far more desirable substance, under the romantic circumstances?

Second wrong thing: The sex act the Hawk Tuah Girl is referring to has been universally described as a BJ. To me, that makes no sense. To me, it makes much more sense in reference to a HJ. I suspect that is what she meant. It dovetails more easily with “spit on that thang.”

Okay, I have spake. ‘Nuff said.

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Hey, today’s saucy newsletter would present a fine time to upgrade your Gene Pool subscription to “paid.” It’s just $50 a year, or $5 month by month. It will allow you be heard in Comments, a portion of the Gene Pool that as been growing in size and intensity and readership. You will also be able to enter the Invitational. I will also become your paid employee, subject to your every whim.

Real time:

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Q: Josh Marshall of Talking Points Memo noted a report from local Pennsylvania television station WPXI that four motorcycle officers standing within feet of Trump suffered minor injuries from flying debris. Trump has likely cut off further discussion of the topic by saying it is too painful to tell the story again.

A: I raised this issue last week, and predicted it would become a thing. Clapclap. Our only source that he was hit by a bullet is … Trump. The original narrative — shrapnel — died out as soon as Trump flatly said it was a bullet. Suddenly, in the media, it was a bullet that hit him, stated as fact. And then, just yesterday, the FBI director raised the point bluntly. He said it might well have been shrapnel, but doesn’t know yet.

I have to say that to me the distinction is negligible — moot, actually — because there is no question Trump was the target of an assassination attempt that got pretty close. But what is not negligible is that Trump always presents the most heroic version of any events involving himself, and that because of a sometimes weirdly lapdog media, the congenital liar tends to get away with it.

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Q: Do you think it is possible that Biden knew he was going to drop out long before he told the world, so he could time the announcement shrewdly? 

A:  Yes.  I was just talking to Rachel about it last night.  I don’t think it strains credulity that the president was just Biden His Time — declaring day by stubborn day the certitude he would not drop out, delighting the GOP.   Waiting, waiting … until the Repubs had their convention, aimed pinpoint at Biden, and set up their platform, aimed pinpoint at Biden, and chose a VP aimed pinpoint at Biden, THEN Biden drops out.     Got played, did you, Trump the Chump?

Not impossible. I’d love it to be true.

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TIMELY TIP: If you’re reading this on an email: JUST CLICK ON THE HEADLINE IN THE EMAIL AND IT WILL DELIVER YOU TO THE FULL COLUMN ONLINE. Keep refreshing the screen to see the new questions and answers that appear as I regularly update the post.

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Q: Have you seen the mini stupid right-wing brouhaha over Kamala having identified herself to a group of people as “I am Kamala Harris, my pronouns are she and her, I am a woman sitting at the table wearing a blue suit”? 

A: Oh, yes.  It was posted by Magats, basically making that case that she is a woke wingnut. It’s from 2022, and, as it happens, she was speaking to a group of visually impaired people, and was identifying herself that way so that they, and also visually impaired people watching remotely, would be better be able to distinguish who and where she was.  It was a deeply human act, as was – I believe – her choice to wear a very distinctive, very colorful bright blue suit.  

*

Q: As a staunch supporter of what used to be journalistic ethics, before "click-bait" journalism took hold in the MSM, wonder if you ever recall self-censoring in pursuing a story?

A: I am not sure what you mean by that.   There is no such thing as “self-censoring.”  Censoring is, by definition, something imposed on you by an authority.   If I decide not to not include something in a story, that is a decision by a writer, which happens 100 times per story.  If your 

To your point about “clickbait” journalism, yeah.  There is something even worse.  “Sponsored” stories.  Usually written by a company to sell a product, but presented as news or features, on a media website.  These things are always low-grade writing, and often fiction presented as fact and/or hyped absurdly.     Just today, CNN’s homepage has this headline on paid content: This is What Elvis Would Tip Every Time He Went to a Restaurant.   When you click on it, it brings you to a story about high-tipping celebs.  There are 25 of them.  Elvis is not there.  This sort of thing is lamentably common.

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Q: As a teenager, I was not exactly svelte. At some point when I was in high school (i.e., late 50s-early 60s) I bought (or chose) a purple outfit that I thought was high fashion. It included a bulky knit dress (my recollection is that it was relatively shapeless--like me) and a barrel-shaped Melton cloth coat think something like this). Since the coat had three-quarter sleeves, I also wore elbow-length purple gloves with the outfit. If any photos of this nightmare survive, they would show something like a purple sausage.

A: Judging from what you linked to, I would say you looked more like Violet Beauregarde after she turned into a blueberry. 

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This is Gene. The campaigns are going swell, so far.  You know that when you see this headline on Snopes: 

No, JD Vance Did Not Say He Had Sex with Couch Cushions

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This is also Gene. I’m just putting this out there because it is my duty to do so.  Just flatly saying it, and walking away, without any implications:  In 2015, Jimmy Carter said that he wanted the last guinea worm to die before he did.   From January to March 2024, there were no new cases worldwide.

Q: Yes, I TOTALLY think Biden knew what he would do, as the rollout of Kamala was just much too smooth to have been done overnight. TRUMP GOT TRUMPED…by the old guy. This truly brings me joy, and I’m taking it however I can get it.

A: I really want you / us to be right.

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Q: An anti-aptonym: the director of the Copernicus Climate Change Service is Carlo Buontempo.

A: Excellent,  It means “good time,” not good Temp, but it still works. 

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Q: I’ve never wanted to be so wrong as I am in my responses to your questions about our predictions for the forthcoming Presidential election, but I hope I’ve blown it badly. I still think that Trump has the momentum. I felt that way before Biden bowed out, and I still do now. Biden is an honorable man and I believe that he will eventually be looked upon as a great leader, willing to fall on his sword for the greater good. But you know the old line from Shakespeare, “If wishes were horses then beggars would ride.” I hope for Harris as our next president. But I fear that it will be Trump again.

A: I think you are wrong about two things.  The second is "If wishes were horses, beggars would ride" is a proverb and a nursery rhyme, first recorded about 1628 in a collection of Scottish proverbs. Shakespeare died in 1616, at 52. 

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Q: What do you fear most if Trump becomes president?

A: Trump.

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Q: Is this weird? I salt my cantaloupe but not my honeydew.

Tom Logan - Sterling, VA

A: Yes, it is.   The salt alone is weird.  We needn’t continue on to the distinction between melons. 

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Q: Your mention of Gina B’s awful motel reminded me of a smelly Florida motel I stayed at years ago where the odor genuinely improved when I farted. 

A: Thank you. 

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Q: Regarding last weeks diatribe against the NYT Spelling Bee. In case it is helpful, daily provides a list of the perfectly good words which are not acceptable "Because the New York Times considers them obscure or offensive." After a while you get used to seeing the same words over and over and start wondering what some of them mean. – Suzanne S. Barnhill 

A: Sigh.  The Bee.   The dreaded Bee. I don’t care about truly obscure words they don’t accept.  That’s fine.  What I detest is the fascist, ignorant decisions they make about what words are obscure, and their other f-you decision-making.  And their not un-occasional flat-out wrongness.  You don’t find any of that in the daily crossword.

Consider: The Bee accepts”linguini,” which is a disreputable variant, based on misuse, of the correct spelling “linguine.”  Linguini with an i became popular, I suspect, because the ignoranti started confusing it with, say, spaghetti.  The correct pronunciation is lin-GWEE-nay. 

BUT, in a single day recently, the one-man management team of the Bee decided the following three commonly used words were not words: 

“Bulling,” “ungluing,” and “ugli.” All are in Merriam Webster, and everyone knows what they mean, and use them all the times.

But to The Times, they are BAD words. Evidently words no one ever heard of.  But “linguini” is just fine.

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Q: Your response to a needlepointer::  “Indeed. Do you do “home sweet home?” Do you darn socks? Do you tat, whatever that is?

Well, I’m 71, so I qualify as “senior”, but — I tat (it’s a lacemaking technique, as crossword puzzle solvers know).  My point is that I taught myself to tat when I was 16 years old.  And no, it wasn’t the “in” thing then, either. – Anne M. 

A: Hey, not to change the subject, but is anyone younger than, say, 45 named Anne, with the E?

My ma’s middle name was Anne.   But she’d be 109 today.

Q: This is back on an old question of fogeyism: I once printed and filed away an email!

A: In the early days of email, I phoned Bob Staake, the artist, after I discovered an email  he had sent me that I hadn’t seen for a day.   I asked Bob if he would call me after he sent me an email so I would know to look in my email  folder.  He laughed uproariously and told me that was like asking the mailman to call you after he delivered your mail.

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This is Gene.  Tom The Butcher wonders: “What would you call a president who uses they/them pronouns? Couldn’t be Mister or Madam President, right?  Could it be “Your Presidency?”

Good question, Butch.  I just want to point out that some Founding Fathers were not in favor of Washington’s “Mr. President” formulation.  John Adams suggested several  alternatives that he considered better.  This is true: “His Elective Majesty”, “His Mightiness”, and even “His Highness, the President of the United States of America and the Protector of their Liberties”.

I wonder what would replace Sir or Ma’am.

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Q: So, Carlo Buontempo is GoodTime Charley?

A: Can’t deny it.

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Okay, folks. We’re down for the day. I am begging here: Please send in more questions and observations, which I will ruminate and report back on, on Tuesday.

You do it here: