The Invitational Week 73: Our Typo Humor
More fun with headlines. Plus 'Wait Wait ... Don't Tell Me'-style questions — and Peter Sagal weighs in with his favorites.
Hello.
This is a snake. It represents the winner of the 71st Invitational, chosen by Special Prosecutor Peter Sagal, host of NPR’s comedy quiz show “Wait Wait … Don’t Tell Me.”
But wait, wait… First, a headline. This week, Jeff Contompasis becomes the ninth Loser in The Invitational’s 31-year, 1,591-contest history to have been awarded 1,000 blots of ink.
JefCon, a 59-year-old engineer from suburban Northern Virginia, is a testament to Loserly persistence: He began entering the Invite in 1997 but didn’t get his first ink until 2004, for a contest for some conservative humor to balance our usual leftist swill (“What’s the difference between a conservative commentator and a liberal commentator? One is called a conservative commentator; the other is called a commentator”). But then he really caught the Invite bug, and he’s entered the contest every single week since December 2008 — winning the contest sixteen times and runnerupping sixty.
The honor offered to our thousand-inkers is to guest-judge the contest of their choice.
Jeff’s contest of choice: It’s a variation on our “Mess With Our Heads” contest, one we haven’t done since 2018. For Invitational Week 73: Change a headline in an article or ad in a print or online publication dated May 23-June 1, 2024, by:
(a) adding or subtracting one letter; or
(b) substituting a letter; or
(c) transposing two letters; and/or
d) changing spacing or punctuation;
and then add a “bank head,” or subtitle, that reflects the altered headline, as in these examples from the 2018 contest (full results here):
For the first time, the Met Mets will perform opera on Sundays
After lousy season, players hope for more success with different kind of tragedies (Dave Airozo)
Crude Crud stockpiles fall for a fifth week
Experts fear end of yard sales if shortage worsens (Frank Osen)
Target tries to entice seasonal workers porkers
Call goes out early for store Santas (Jeff Contompasis)
You may shorten a more complex headline, and you may capitalize each word of the headline if that will help your wordplay. Tell us where you found the original head (we’d appreciate the URL) and what its real wording was! Important formatting note: Strikethroughs do not transmit on our Google Forms; see this week’s entry form for what to do instead. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form.
Deadline is Saturday, June 1, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, June 6.
The winner gets — courtesy of JefCon himself — the truly handsome oversized picture book Life-Sized Animal Poop, by John Townsend. Each page, or double-page spread for your larger beasts — or four-page foldout for a dinosaur coprolite — features fun facts about a particular animal and an artsy painting of its particular product. It even comes with a glossy poster of the whole array.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.
Meanwhile, send us questions or suggestions, which we hope to deal with in real time today. You do this, as always, by sending them to this here button:
Multi-Bull Choice: The ‘Wait Wait’ questions of Week 71
In Invitational Week 71, we challenged you to write us some “Wait Wait ... Don't Tell Me”-style questions about some Ridiculous but True event, recent or historical. Peter Sagal read your many hundreds of entries about 20 finalist entries we flagged for him, as a courtesy, and he immediately eliminated a half dozen or so that his show had already run. Such as the fabulous one about the Chinese zoo whose “pandas” were actually chow chow dogs dyed black and white.
We gave Peter more entries, and awarded him two votes, and the Czar and Empress each got one vote apiece. This has never been done before and represents the most amazing voluntary abandonments of royal power in human humor history since the abdication of King Edward VIII.
Fortunately we were in agreement with Peter’s choices for the winner and runners-up except that he failed to appreciate one entry that he deemed “too gross” — and that, of course, we see as a badge of honor. So Rob Cohen, below, gets first runner-up. Rob, Peter Sagal has officially and forever declared you “too gross.” You are welcome. Also, inexplicably, Peter did not find the third runner-up too gross. We don’t know why, but are not giving him a second pass at it.
Third runner-up:
At Our Blessed Lady Immaculate church in County Durham, England, a priest stunned worshipers with an Easter sermon claiming what?
A. That after everyone had drunk four full cups of wine, the Last Supper turned into a drunken matzoh-throwing food fight.
B. Christ had an erection when he died on the cross.
C. Joseph took the dog in the manger to a gravel pit.
Correct answer: B. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)
Second runner-up:
A man in Chicago made what basic mistake when trying to rob the safe in a muffler shop?
A. Loading the safe onto his moped, only to topple over immediately.
B. Not asking workers if the safe had anything in it before spending thirty minutes jackhammering an empty box.
C. Leaving his phone number with the shop’s workers so they could call him when the manager—the only person who knew the safe’s combination—returned to work.
Correct answer: C. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)
First runner-up:
A Texas man wearing a kilt was arrested for what?
A. Disturbing the peace by playing his bagpipes nonstop for three hours on a street corner.
B. Taking items for sale at antique stores, sticking them up his anus, then returning them to the shelf.
C. Indecent exposure after he repeatedly passing gas, causing his kilt to billow and exposing his otherwise uncovered derriere.
Correct answer: B. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)
And the winner of the “Wait Wait” mug signed by Peter himself:
In 2022, a cobra made news for what?
A. Traveling 1.7 miles at 93 mph while attached to the person it bit as he was boarding the Jebel Jais zip line in the United Arab Emirates.
B. Dying, after biting an 8-year-old boy who bit it back. (The boy was fine.)
C. Vibrating to death after it swallowed a sex toy.
Correct answer: B. (Frank Osen)
As always, if you think the best entry is not one of those four, but one of the Honorable Mentions (below), tell us in the Comments.
Today’s Gene Pool Gene Poll:
Wait, but the second Gene Pool!
Which of the above four entries above is the best?
As always, if you feel none of these is the best… tell us your nominee in The Comments (below).
Truly Ridi-Q-lous: Honorable mentions
Killed treacherously by Earl Sigurd the Mighty, how did the 9th-century Scot Mael Brigte get posthumous vengeance upon him?
A. As Sigurd tried to drink from the skull of his vanquished foe, a piece dislodged and choked him.
B. His decapitated head was strapped to Sigurd’s saddle as he rode home, and his buckteeth cut Sigurd’s leg and caused a fatal infection.
C. Sigurd’s men looted bagpipes from the field of battle and played them all day.
Correct answer: B (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)
In a 2016 survey of 1,000 Americans, 80 percent said they favored mandatory labels on any food containing what?
A. CO2
B. H2O
C. DNA
Correct answer: C. (Laurie Brink, Mineola, N.Y.)
What distinguishes the $822 stonewash jeans sold by the fashion house Jordanluca? A. They resemble chaps by being both assless and crotchless.
B. A large stain in the front makes it look as if the wearer has peed in them.
C. They are sold with interchangeable codpieces in three pastel colors.
Correct answer: B. (Frank Osen)
Some epicures visit Sardinia to sample Casu Marzu, a delicacy consisting of what?
A. Salt-brined, caramelized worm castings.
B. A stew of fermented Etruscan shrews.
C. Pecorino cheese filled with live maggots.
Correct answer: C. (Frank Osen)
Following a crashing sound, the hole in a Canadian woman’s roof was determined to be caused by:
A. Her teenage next-door neighbor sailing through it while bouncing on his backyard trampoline.
B. Frozen chunks of human excrement that had flown through the sky.
C. Santa’s aim was off and he missed the chimney.
Correct answer: B. (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)
Some things like to live where the sun don’t shine in the Sunshine State, resulting in a Florida man having to have:
A. 150 live bugs removed from his nose.
B. A live baby python removed from his rectum.
C. Two baby sea turtles removed from his stomach when the eggs he was smuggling hatched en route.
Correct answer: A. (Kevin Dopart, Naxos, Greece)
What did a cafe in Kinston, N.C., do when a customer left her credit card behind?
A. The manager added a $50 “gratuity” to the customer’s bill, then called her to say he’d found the card.
B. It helpfully posted unredacted photos of the front and back of the card on a local Facebook page, causing the card to immediately run up thousands of dollars in charges.
C. The cashier quickly ran out and shot one of the tires on the customer’s car so she couldn’t drive away.
Correct answer: B. (David Franks, Washington County, Ark.)
In 1908, German Gen. Dietrich von Hulsen-Haesler died of a heart attack at a party. What immediately preceded it?
A. Clad in a pink tutu, leotard, and ballet tights, he danced around the room with leaps and pirouettes.
B. He ate four bowlfuls of wiener schnitzel, two of which were others guests’.
C. He got into a frenetic argument with a French diplomat over which language was more beautiful.
Correct answer: A. (Neal Starkman, Seattle)
A budget hotel in Fukuoka, Japan, rents rooms at around a dollar a night! How?
A. The guests also serve as the hotel’s staff, meaning they have to do things like check people in, make beds, and vacuum the hallways.
B. The guests agree to have the hotel livestream every moment of their stay except going to the bathroom; the innkeeper hopes to make the money back with ads on his YouTube channel.
C. The guests compete in nightly sumo matches against professional wrestlers, all for the entertainment of staff and other guests.
Correct answer: B (Leif Picoult)
The U.S. Navy was recently ridiculed for tweeting what on X?
A. A video of the official Navy anthem that was titled “Anchors Away.”
B. A photo of an officer shooting a rifle with the scope mounted backwards and the lens cap still on.
C. A recruitment ad featuring Village People lookalikes singing “In the Navy.”
Correct answer: B. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)
What surprised attendees of the funeral service in England for comedian Rod Hull, famed for performing with an emu puppet?
A. The eulogy was delivered by an emu-costumed puppeteer holding a Rod Hull puppet.
B. When the coffin was carried into the church, sounds like beak-pecking were heard in the coffin.
C. When the coffin was opened at the viewing, a live emu jumped out.
Correct answer: B; Hull had arranged the prank himself. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.)
A French inventor of pills to make flatulence smell less offensive has added what new scent?
A. Chanel No. 5.
B. Roquefort cheese.
C. Aphrodisiacal ginger, released just before Valentine’s Day.
Correct answer: C (Frank Osen)
A major snack food company recently commissioned a giant statue of what?
A. A 19-foot-high celery stick with ranch dressing pouring down from the top, commissioned by Hidden Valley and erected (ahem) in Wintersberg, Calif., “the celery capital of America.”
B. A rotating neon Moon Pie, 13 feet in diameter, temporarily located on top of the Chattanooga Bakery’s new distribution center until the new Moon Pie visitor center is opened in downtown Chattanooga.
C. A 17-foot statue of three fingers dusted in orange and holding a Cheeto. The “Cheetle” was erected in the village of Cheadle, Alberta, but PepsiCo Foods Canada was expected to tour it to several Canadian cities.
Correct answer: C. (Ann Fisher, Marquette, Mich.)
A day care center in Billings, Montana, closed after what happened?
A. The children were taken on a field trip to the local chicken-processing plant.
B. An employee posted a video of the children fighting, with the caption “Fight night already starting.”
C. A teacher left children unsupervised, telling them, “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”
Correct answer: B (Frank Osen)
Despite its dangers, you can’t deny that technology has improved our standard of living in truly important, transformative ways. Which of these items is now available for purchase?
A. A refrigerator that asks, “Do you really need that?” if you reach for items you store on a certain rack.
B. A special sippy cup that evenly distributes a mix of cereal and milk into your mouth, for that proper crunch.
C. A remote-controlled aerosol deodorant. Stand back, raise your arm, and let the spray find its way.
Correct answer: B (Judy Freed)
How did a resident of Brighton, England, choose to commemorate her recently deceased pet?
A. She legally changed her name to Fluffy Shih Tzu.
B. She erected a 20-by-60-foot billboard in front of her house and painted her late cat Daisy on it.
C. She had her hamster stuffed and mounted as a pole-dancing stripper in a pink thong.
Correct answer: C. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)
What service does the Diaper Spa in New Hampshire provide?
A. For $1,500, men and women can spend a day of pampering in an adult-size nursery with toys and an adult-size crib “to take care of the little one inside of you.”
B. Women who don’t have babies of their own get to dote on spa-provided ones, cooing to them and rocking them in ergonomic Herman Miller chairs — until the little ones inconveniently cry, spit up, poop, etc., at which point they’re conveniently whisked away and replaced with a margarita.
C. Parents-to-be wear diapers until they are nearly full, to understand the discomfort their babies will suffer if neglected.
Correct answer: A. (Dave Prevar)
Miami continues to be distinctly different from other American cities, including its police department, which recently unveiled its first:
A. Rolls-Royce squad car.
B. Floodproof amphibious squad car.
C. Fleet of pastel squad cars with palm tree decals.
Correct answer: A. (Kevin Dopart)
Charlie Chaplin won third place:
A. In a Adolf Hitler lookalike contest.
B. In an Oliver Hardy lookalike contest.
C. In a Charlie Chaplin lookalike contest.
Correct answer: C. (Kevin Dopart)
A Sacramento porch pirate managed to steal a package using what innovative method?
A. He did a series of somersaults across the front yard, deftly grabbed the box from the porch, and rolled away.
B. He stuffed himself inside a giant trash bag, walked up to the the porch, dropped the package inside, then waddled off.
C. He brazenly walked up to the porch and took the box, waving a sign at the security camera that read: “Your security camera seems to be working.”
Correct answer: B. (Judy Freed)
In 1726, what did an Englishwoman named Mary Toft convince clergymen and doctors, including the doctor of the King of England, that she could do?
A. Sing from her “nether partes.”
B. Give birth to rabbits.
C. Leave her body and travel to other cities, lands, and even heaven.
Correct answer: B. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)
A young man applying for a job at Subway left red-faced after his mom did what?
A. Walked into the interview to remind him he hadn’t taken his vitamins that morning.
B. Held up a sign in the window to tell him his parole officer was waiting outside.
C. Fell asleep in her car outside the store, accidentally hit the gas pedal, and crashed into the shop.
Answer: C (Leif Picoult)
The headline “Multi-Bull Choice” is by Jeff Contompasis; Jesse Frankovich wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.
Still running — deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, May 25: our Week 72 “tailgater” contest for rhymes pairing one line of a Beatles song with one line of your own. Click on the link below.
Now we enter the real-time portion of the Gene Pool, where Gene will take your questions and observations, and respond to them. Send your stuff to this awesome creamsicle colored button:
Today’s questions, and observations so far, are focused on our Weekend Gene Pool challenge asking whether you have ever personally experienced something that at least seemed to be supernatural, metaphysical or occult -- i.e., not easily explained by the known laws of science. We are publishing many of them without comment, because we don’t know what to make of them, except to say, okay, we don’t know what to make of them.
Also, we are publishing “cosmic comeuppances” (a separate but related issue). If you are reading this in real time, please remember to refresh the page to get new stuff.
Q: On September 11, 2001, I woke up in the San Francisco suburbs at 5:45 am, earlier than I had ever woken up before. I worked at night. I generally woke up at noon. I could not get back to sleep, so I turned on the TV. And then I could not get back to sleep.
I am sorry, that is the entirety of my story. I am not making it up and I cannot explain it and I do not propose to try.
A: All I can say is, as I will say to most of the Observations today, okay. Thank you.
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TIMELY TIP: If you’re reading this on an email: JUST CLICK ON THE HEADLINE IN THE EMAIL AND IT WILL DELIVER YOU TO THE FULL COLUMN ONLINE. Keep refreshing the screen to see the new questions and answers that appear as I regularly update the post.
Also, please do not upgrade your subscription to “paid.” It will just give Gene a swelled head. Peter Sagal also implores you not to do this, though we have not gotten permission from him to make this statement.
Q: A long time ago a friend died while still young, leaving behind young sons, about six and eight. He had been a first responder and was deeply changed on his first day of the job when he had to carry a dead boy’s body back to his family. My friend was not perfect, but he wanted to help people.
Months after his death I was in New Orleans on a history tour. We were at a place where people were auctioned off and sold as slaves, splitting up families, taking children from their mothers. As we stood on the spot where those terrified people stood while they waited to find out if they would be separated forever, I felt a small head under my hand. I did not look down. It could have been a totally normal small kid whose parents were nearby; small kids do things like that all the time. What I did see was my dead friend, out of the corner of my eye, standing to the side looking our way. I did not make eye contact with my dead friend either. But I talked to the little boy. I said, “He’ll take you back to your mom.” And then I didn’t feel that little head under my hand anymore.
As we walked to the next historical site, the docent walked next to me and asked, “What the fuck was that?” “I have no idea.” I answered. He persisted, “Did you see what I saw?” “Nope! Absolutely not!” I looked over our group, walking ahead of us, there was no little kid.
I am not convinced that anything paranormal happened, but I saw what I saw, and I felt what I felt and the docent did too. — Lorrie
A: Okay, i am publishing these things. I am not judging.
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Q: Here’s my weird experience: I woke up in the middle of the night scared witless for my twin brother, who lived several states away. I called and was assured all was OK but couldn't shake the terror. He called (collect from a pay phone) a few hours later to tell me a minute or so after we hung up that his building alarms went off, he had to evacuate his apartment and watched the entire building go up in flames from the curb. (The second minor miracle of this story is that both our phones were working — we were in our twenties pre-cellphone era and at any given time one or the other we out of service.)
In the spring of 1982 I was going through a divorce that I did not want. I was still living in the house in the exurbs I owned with my almost ex, because I couldn't rent until the house sold. I had a job back inside the Beltway, and would stop and have dinner with my parents before making the long drive home to sleep. This one warm night, I was enjoying the drive home on the then nearly empty I-66. It was dark and quiet, my mind empty. Suddenly my little two-seater car was completely filled with the scent of April Violets perfume. Now, I had never worn this perfume, but the person who did was “Gammie,” my “extra” grandmother, the lady on whose subdivided property my parents’ house had been built and on whose old-fashioned front porch I had spent many happy hours. She had passed in 1980. Gammie had never been in my car because it hadn’t even been built before she died. No one had ever spilled April Violets in my car, but the scent of it was that powerful. At the same time the scent filled my car, I was filled with a feeling of total peace, like someone was hugging me gently and assuring me that all would be well. I actually looked at the passenger seat to see if I could see Gammie. Nope. But I am pretty sure her spirit was there. Message received. The scent faded as suddenly as it had appeared. And she was right. It took a while, but all did end up well. I have to add that no, I had not been thinking about her and subconsciously conjured her memory. It came out of nowhere, and though I have a hard time believing that a recognizable part of us/soul/energy lives on, that episode leads me to believe it is possible. It has not happened again. — Stephi.
A: Okay. This is an unusual Gene Pool, I admit it.
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Q: Being a 61-year-old male, I typically wake up at least once a night to pee. I use a bathroom a few feet outside the bedroom down the hall. Several weeks ago, I got up, went to the bathroom, peed, and when I came back to the bedroom, the stairs that the dog uses to climb onto our bed were blocking the door to the bedroom (the door I had just walked through a couple minutes earlier) and one of our cats was sitting on the top step staring at me. The dog was still lying on the bottom of the bed. My wife was still asleep. So either she moved it in her sleep or the cat pulled it over to the doorway or something else happened. My wife swears she didn’t do it. I don’t think a cat or dog has the physical dexterity to pull it off. So go figure. Bruce Dean, Frederick, MD
A: Okay!
Q: Gene, you ignorant slut. Riding a bicycle no hands is not smug showing off. It's to relieve the tension in your neck, shoulders and wrists when riding. My shoulders ache on windy days when I can't ride some stretches without sitting upright. Hands on the hips helps a lot, too.
-Greg Dunn
A: You are the ignorant slut! I got a couple of responses like this from bikers. I dislike you all, but need to say that since writing about “dooring” in bike lanes, I learned FROM PETER SAGAL, who is an ignorant slut, that dooring is a big deal and car drivers are responsible. So I give you the benefit of the doubt on this.
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Q: This comeuppance has a happy ending ...
One time in the dim past, three of us smart-aleck teenagers were at a Senators game—a team so historically inept it inspired a mega-hit Broadway musical—and were attempting to razz the Orioles by holding up homemade posters. Some of them were aimed at Baltimore’s play-by-play announcer, who was also a National Beer pitchman. We had 'Chuck Thompson for President' signs with such witty beer-oriented slogans as "Chuck Thompson has an open mind and a resealable cap.” So around about the 7th inning a big guy walked down from the stands to our seats behind home plate, pointed to one of our signs and said, “That’s not how you spell ‘experience’.” It read in bold lettering, “A vote for Chuck is a completely unique experiance.” I was later told they had shown us on TV. After the game we wandered up to the broadcast booth to see if we could meet the great man. After a minute he strode through the doorway, smiled, shook our hands, and said, “You fellas sure know how to needle a guy.” He chatted with us amiably for a bit, didn’t mention my inept spelling, and then returned to his duties. A real ept gentleman.
Also, didn’t God expel Adam and Eve from the Garden of Eden in his Fury?
— Jonathan Paul.
A: Jonathan, I ran this whole boring post because of your last line: yes, God drove a Plymouth Fury. Four on the floor. The clutch was balky.
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Q: When I was little, I had trouble sleeping and my mother would come in and rub my back, scratch my head, and it always helped. She died in May 1986. I moved to Virginia in September of that year. On the one-year anniversary of her death, I hurt my back, straining all the muscles on the left side. The doctor said it would just take time to heal, a few weeks. That night, I fell asleep crying, both missing my mom and in pain. I heard, felt, and smelled (she wore scented Oil of Olay) my mother come into the room. She sat on the bed beside me and started rubbing my back, telling me everything would be ok. When I woke up, my back was fully healed. The doctor said he wasn't sure how it happened but was happy I was out of pain. I truly believe she visited me that night and made me feel better.
A: Okay.
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Q: Do you and Pat hate each other yet? You have to by now, right?
A: We dislike each other intensely. Hate is too strong a word.
Q: Comeuppance Adjacent: in the early 1980s I played on a flag football team in Montgomery County and after practice on a brutally hot August day the team repaired to a High’s where we bought Gatorades or whatever their version of a Big Gulp was. While sitting in the shade right outside the store we witnessed a young woman pull up and jump out of a pick up truck. She left what appeared to be a German Shepherd puppy in the cab--windows rolled up. After a few minutes the dog appeared in distress, a friend got up to look for the woman in the strip mall, and my brother went and opened the passenger door while keeping the dog from jumping out. At this point the woman returned--clearly surprised that someone had opened a door and was soothing the dog--whereupon my brother said, “You know it’s dangerous to leave a dog in a hot car.” The woman replied, “Oh, my vet said it is OK.” To which my brother replied, “Next time check with the dog’s doctor.”
A: Thank you. Funny but difficult for me to read, as you might understand.
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Q: When I was 11, my cousin died. He was ten years older and had been profoundly disabled all his life from what was likely a birth injury. His death was not a surprise to the adults in the family. I had not experienced death before and was wholly and completely heartbroken. I understood that he was disabled but we were pals and I loved him completely in the way children can. So. The day of his funeral comes and I cannot go. I am devastated and my parents don’t make me. I stay at home with a relative. The day goes on. It’s a small house and I am assigned to sleep in his room. I felt this was an invasion of his space and I was upset. That night, I felt a profound sense of peace. I felt he was there in the room with me, somehow conveying to me he had crossed over (somewhere - we weren’t really religious) and was okay. I didn’t see or hear him (he had been unable to speak in life) but I swear, Gene. I swear he was there. I made room in the bed so he could “sit” with me. I felt better because I believed he was okay and not alone, etc. it was a feeling with texture and depth. A clear communication. What I really think that was, was my brain working at a subconscious level to help me soothe myself. But I also think there can be a time when the curtain of consciousness thins and there can be a connection. I dunno. I thought it a gift and have never forgotten it. I have suffered other losses (of course) and nothing similar ever happened again. I told my brother some years later: He also was not into the woo woo. He believed a benign force was with me. Maybe the cousin, maybe something else. In the end, who cares? It helped. I never told my folks or my aunt and uncle.
A: I don’t know what to say about this, except that I am glad it happened to you.
Q: According to ChatGPT, the mascot of The Gene Pool is a bust of a chimpanzee named “the hypophyseal homunculus.” Incidentally, “hypophyseal homunculus” is a Googlenope so I don't know where it's getting this from. Did you ever write those words?
A: I use homunculus all the time. Never heard of hypophyseal before this moment.
I am laughing.
–
This is Gene. It is the last question and answer for a while. I’ve been holding it for a few weeks, but it seems appropriate today.
Q: Disasters I have faced, from a question long ago: I once had a Key West jones but I never got up the nerve to move there. To compensate I moved to Kent Island, where I worked as a teacher, and got myself a scooter. On the way to run errands at lunchtime on a summer day 18 years ago, I watched a medevac helicopter take off from a field and thought, “Well, that sucks!”
On the way back I wanted to stop at a favorite deli to grab lunch. The traffic in the opposite lane was blocking the entrance as they were waiting at a red light behind me. It was Kent Island, so this line of traffic was nothing but SUVs, trucks and contractor vans, and it stretched into the distance, looking a lot like a freight train. Annoyed that there wasn’t a gap to enter, I walked the scooter in between trucks and hit the gas — not knowing there was a Mazda racing up the shoulder, wanting to make a right at the light. I basically stepped in front of a train, and I had just a split-second to realize it. It was in that split-second that I thought it was over, as I was not wearing a helmet and was low enough to the ground that my head was vulnerable. My first wife was 5 months pregnant at the time so the fear of never seeing my only child flashed through my mind as well. Fortunately, I’d always told myself if it ever seemed like I was going to be in a collision to use the scooter and jump up out of the impact, which I seemingly did, as my hip went into the windshield instead of my head. Of course, the next collision was with the street when I was thrown through the air, but again somehow my head didn’t make contact and I crawled to the shoulder like any creature instinctively does when hit by a car. Curiously, because I was a popular teacher and it was busy summer day, many who saw it knew it was me and rushed over to comfort me?! It wasn’t long before I too was loaded into a medevac and flown to Baltimore, where I wound up being an outpatient with a broken shoulder and torn rotator cuff. Phew. –Sean Pelan
A: You just reminded me about this event. I wrote about it in the hypochondria book:
In 1979 I was driving across a bridge in midwinter in Lansing, Michigan when my car spun out of control on the ice. It became a hockey puck. I was trapped in the car against a guardrail, tires wailing ineffectually. After a few minutes of this, I was relieved to see a giant salt truck approaching on the bridge. Then I realized that the truck, about the size of a big-city garbage truck, was also a hockey puck. I could see the driver’s face. His mouth was agape and his eyeballs were boinging out like golf balls on Slinkys. He was moving about 40 miles an hour, barreling right at me. My car was a 1978 Dodge Colt, which is approximately the size of a Saint Bernard.
I opened my car door, stepped out, and began to run. Or rather, my feet began to run. I was on a sheet of ice. I was stationary. I looked like Fred Flintstone, pre-ignition, feet windmilling in a comical blur, going nowhere.
And then, suddenly, I was going somewhere. I was flying. I blacked out for a moment, and when I awoke, I was on my back on the ice. On one side of my body was the truck. On the other side of my body was my car, pulverized into something that looked like a large, smoking Raisinet. Witnesses later told me that the truck had hit my car, then my car hit me, and bounced OVER my body, missing me entirely. The front wheel of the truck was inches from my face. I had a badly bruised jaw but no other serious injuries.
As I wrote in the book: :”After the accident, after I realized I had defied death, everything changed. The nighttime sky shimmered with mystery and grandeur. A man could get lost in it, out there in the blackness, sitting cross-legged on the hood of his car, captivated and humbled, oblivious to the cold. A raw tomato, eaten like a McIntosh, was the finest meal a person could want. How could I have not noticed its pebbly, sweet-sour perfection before? A stranger’s cigarette butt, hurled from the window of his car at night, became a thing of beauty, exploding in a tiny, magnificent fire shower. You could taste water, if you tried. You could taste a woman without touching her, if you tried.
“This sense of wonder lasted about a month. I tried to hang on to it, but it was no use. Everything returned to normal. You can’t summon the awe of mortality. They visit you, stay as long as they wish, then tiptoe away.”
It wasn’t the funniest but I was most shocked by the right answer in the DNA one
I liked the second runner-up because all the answers seemed both incredibly stupid and plausible at the same time.