The Invitational Week 131: Ha-ku, Yo Mama Edition

Write us a trash-talking haiku. And speaking of trash and talking, winning lines from Trumpian Gettysburg Addresses.

Hello. Just a couple of weeks ago, The Gene Pool was all about Gene’s knee-jerk disrespect for the poetic form of haiku. So, naturally, we had to come back with a haiku contest. The example above is all over the Web, and appears to be an accidental haiku, which is kind of cool.

The contest is based on an unconventional book of one hundred “Yo Mama” jokes by Invitational fan Jared Stern and John Irons, titled:

Seventeen Hundred Esoteric Syllables About Yo Mama

Here are two examples from the book:

Yo mama so big,
you can track the tides based on
her daily commute.

And:

Yo mama so mean,
she told your friends beehives were
“nature’s piñatas.”

But for this week’s contest, we’ll expand the parameters to all kind of Yos.

For Invitational Week 131: Write a haiku that’s an original Yo Mama joke — or one about Yo Papa, Yo Kid, Yo Dog, Yo President, Yo Ego, or whatever yo like — but it does have to be in the trash-talking YM genre.

For our purposes, a haiku is a poem with three lines: Line 1 has five syllables; Line 2, seven; Line 3, five. Rhyming is optional; meter is nice. Here are the results of a similar contest we did in 2020, though it was not limited to putdowns. Words have the number of syllables they’re given in any standard dictionary; Merriam-Webster, for example, says aren’t or fire can be one syllable or two.

SPECIAL FORMATTING NOTE! While we will of course be publishing the haiku as three-line poems, please type each individual haiku as one long line divided by slashes at the line breaks. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form.

Like this runner-up from 2020 (remember 2020?) by Duncan Stevens:
Yo Mama’s so loud/ When she snores that I can’t hear/ Kimberly Guilfoyle.

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-131.

Deadline is Saturday, July 12, 2025, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, July 17.

The winner receives TWO DIFFERENT PAIRS of these funny-face mini-socks — that way you can mix or match the expressions with which your or your loved one’s tootsies face (foot?) the world. They’re for small feet; they were quite snug on the Empress’s size 7 imperial extremities in the photo below. Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

A Very Abe L. Genius: Lines from a Trumpian Gettysburg Address

In honor of this July 4 weekend, Invitational Week 129 asked you to “rewrite some portion of the Gettysburg Address as it would have been written and delivered by Donald Trump.” People who entered this contest approached it in a variety of ways: Lincoln in 1863, sounding Trumpish; Trump in 1863; Trump having some similar occasion in current times; and more.

Third runner-up:
“I could stand in the middle of this battlefield, pour the gunpowder, insert the wadding, ram the lead ball, prime the lock, cock the hammer, and shoot somebody and it would be altogether fitting and proper, okay?”
(Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Second runner-up:
“Hey, Mathew Brady, I see you there! Does my hair look all right?”
(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

First runner-up:
“Four score — a number like no one’s seen before — not even Sloppy George McClellan or Useless S. Grant, Liddle Frederick Douglass, Horace Greedy, Harriet Tubman — NASTY WOMAN! —I call her Tubby . . .”
(Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.)

And the winner of the Trump build-a-phrase flip book plus the pocket wisdom of Ben Franklin:
“What we basically have here are two armies that have been fighting so long and so hard that they don’t know what the fuck they are doing.”
(Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

And now, the Invitational edition of The Gene Pool Gene Poll:

As always, if you think we ignored better entries in the Honorables (below) yell at us in the Comments.

The Prattle of Gettysburg: Honorable mentions

“We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those suckers and losers who here gave their lives that that nation might live.” (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

“There were good people on both sides here, so we honor them all and not only the ones who bravely fought to defend their property.” (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

“ . . . and that government of the people, buy the people, and let me tell you, I have bought many, many people—beautiful people who are so loyal to me, you wouldn’t believe it . . .” (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

“It’s amazing, incredible. This cemetery contains the largest number of dead people ever at a Presidential speech. And don’t believe what lying, cheating Kamala says — none of them are leaving early.” (Jon Cannon, Potomac, Md.)

“Now we are engaged in a great civil war, so great, just beautiful, tremendous, unbelievable, like nobody’s ever seen before.” (Duncan Stevens)

“You know why we won that battle? It’s because we had this general named Hooker — can you believe that’s somebody’s actual name? — and he was a total loser. So I said to him, ‘You’re fired!’ and I put a new guy named Meade in there. Great guy, Meade, incredible guy, right out of Central Casting.” (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

“And after the battle, General Meaty comes up to me, big man, strong man, and with a tear in his eye says to me, “We couldn’t have won the battle without you, sir.” (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.)

“That this nation, under God, we love you, God, and we love the Bible you wrote, especially the Trump Bible, which is for sale at the tables in the back. No Confederate money, please.” (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

“… Our fathers gave us this new nation, conceived in Greatness — not like those shitholes they left back in Europe. (Jesse Frankovich)

“The lying Democrat media might little note what we say here, but many people are already saying this is the greatest Presidential address ever given — even greater than the great Andrew Jackson’s. And you know, folks, this is true, many people don’t know this, but he shot a man and still got elected. I said I could do it, but the great Andrew Jackson actually did it. I think I could do it, though. Do you think I could do it? (Crowd cheers.) I could do it.” (Mark Houser, Pittsburgh, a First Offender)

“Hello, Gettysburg! How ya feelin’ tonight?! Oh, you can do better than that. I said, How ya feelin’ tonight, Gettysburg?” (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

“Here we are on this great big beautiful Pennsylvania battlefield, much like the one where an assassin’s bullet ripped through my ear. And as so many people say to me, I was saved by God to make America great again—which is more than Lincoln can say.” (Jesse Frankovich)

“… dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. White men, that is. And not women. How many women do you think could be NFL offensive linemen? None! Well, maybe a few who showed up at Kamala’s sad rallies. (Kevin Dopart, Naxos, Greece)

“I know propositions. I am dedicated to the best propositions.” (Jesse Frankovich)

“But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate — we can not consecrate — we can not hallow — this ground — because it’s raining today. I don’t do rain.” (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

“Although we have come to dedicate a portion of this field to those who gave their lives that the nation might live, let me just say that you had some very fine people on both sides. General Lee, for example, gets treated so unfairly. Maybe we should put up a statue of him here too?” (Jesse Frankovich)

“The soldiers were so brave, so brave. But when you think about it, with no women around, no gonorrhea or syphilis to contend with. And let me tell you, avoiding those is a battle too. My personal Gettysburg, if you will.” (Mark Raffman)

“. . . our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, and nobody knew it could be so complicated.” (Jesse Frankovich)

“The world will note and long remember what we say here, but the LYING MEDIA won’t report the size of this crowd, FIVE MILLION PEOPLE . . .” (Duncan Stevens)

“Many will find it hard to believe that I wrote this speech while riding here on the back of an envelope.” (Jeff Contompasis)

“The world may not long remember this, but YOU can cherish it FOREVER with the OFFICIAL TRUMP-HEAD PENNY, made from American copper, stamped “1863”! Only $3 each. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

“They asked me to speak at this cemetery and I said, why? It’s dead people, they can’t even vote. Except in Chicago. But we’re gonna do something about that, believe me.” (Mark Raffman)

“We cannot hollow this ground because we would just end up in China if we shoveled such a big hole.” (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

“We have come to dedicate a portion of this field for the right-of-way for the beautiful Trump Telegraph Service. If you highly resolve to subscribe today, you will get a T1 solid gold telegraph key. Now when I say ‘I’d tap that,’ I literally mean it.” (Kevin Dopart)

“. . . as a final resting place for those... you know, you wouldn’t have to move any headstones or monuments to make this a golf course. They could be hazards. Can you imagine how hard it would be to chip out of a beautiful row of marble headstones?” (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio)

“We highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain, even though I like soldiers who don’t get killed, okay?” (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

The headline “A Very Abe L. Genius” is by Jesse Frankovich; Chris Doyle wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running — deadline Saturday, July 5, at 9 p.m. ET: Our annualish contest in which you tell us how any two items on the random list we supplied are similar are different. Click below for details.

The Invitational Week 130: Same Difference

Now we seamlessly segue into the Real-Time portion of The Gene Pool, where Gene answers questions in real time. Many of the questions and observations today relate to his call, on the weekend, for examples of when you did some transcendently silly thing. Also, his column on the semicolon. Please send new Questions and Observations here:

Moving on, here is a photo quiz in the style of more serious and reputable Substacks. .

Who is the person below? The photo was taken around 1965 when she was in college, and she later became really famous as a singer. Warning: You will NEVER guess this. I’ll tell you later, which is a sleazy artifice to keep people reading. At the revelation, you will have an orgasm.

Hey, do you want to be able to enter The Invitational? We are always looking for first inkers to award with Fir Stinkers. Please consider becoming a paid subscriber.

Q’s and A’s:

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Q: You want silly? I once wore coconuts and a hula skirt and performed (sort of) a hula dance in front of a sizable audience. You were there. — Buzz.

A: Ah, indeed.

This is my good friend Buzz Burger, and he performed “The Tupperware Song” with me and Dave Barry at a Tupperware convention in Honolulu in the 1980s. The Tupperware company flew us all in and put us up for the night, which made it hard to resist. Buzz, you do yourself an injustice. You should have mentioned that the coconuts you wore were a bra, on your bare chest.

The reader is not believing this right now, any of it, so, on the theory “pic, or it never happened,” here:

The Band was named The Urban Professionals. That’s Dave as the frontman, with me next to him, in the hat and Blues Brothers garb, playing the harmonica. The “dancers” from left to right are Buzz Burger, Beth Barry, and Libby Burger.

Buzz, you look handsome and quite dignified in a grass skirt.

It was our second national performance. The first had occurred in Orlando, at Tupperware headquarters, with a slightly different cast of characters. Here is Dave’s spectacular column about it.

—

Q: In your last column, you polled us on which of two jokes is funnier. Which do YOU think is funnier?

—

A: Good question. Here were the two jokes:

Joke One: Attractive woman walks into a bar, says to the bartender “Give me an entendre. Make it a double.” So he gives it to her.

Joke Two: Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil.

I chose those two jokes carefully. I feel they represent two valid examples of a basic dichotomy in jokes, particularly Invitational jokes. The first is cleverer. The second, in my view, is funnier. Each is a worthy choice, easily defensible. Pat prefers number one, and I prefer number two, as it were. This bares, in microcosm, a preferential divide that applies on the truly rare instances when Pat and I disagree on a particular joke. Clever and sophisticated excite Pat more. Induced sight gags excite me more. It actually makes us a good committee of two.

FYI, most of you, and Rachel, agreed with Pat. Rachel asked me why I preferred the second joke and I said, like talking to an idiot, “IT’S ABOUT A GUY STICKING A PENCIL UP HIS ASS.”

—

TIMELY TIP: If you’re reading this on an email: Just click on the headline in the email and it will deliver you to the full column online. Keep refreshing the screen to see the new questions and answers that appear as I regularly update the post.

Okay, let’s go.

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Q: If Trump were to declare himself King Donald I, and built himself a throne made out of undocumented immigrants (or people he claimed were undocumented immigrants) would any hitherto loyal Republican dare stand up to him? What if he ordered Zohran assassinated in the name of stopping socialism? What if he nuked Iran? What if he nuked Belgium into oblivion because one person from that country insulted his hair on his stupid social media site? Where will they draw the line, if at all?

A: He would have to do something obviously “woke,” and that will never happen. Otherwise, he is good to go.

—

Q: Gene, do that story assignment – the nails in the phone book – and your One Day Project reflect something about how you view journalism, or humanity? It's an interesting "thing" to have explored 22 years apart, so it must be meaningful to you.

A: I have always been deeply drawn to two subjects, and they have directed much of my best work. The first is sort of a journalistic religion of mine: The ability to find stories everywhere – a reflection of the depth and drama of human experience. The second is becoming an accidental perpetrator – someone without evil intent who does a terrible thing by accident, hence babies who die in hot cars; I once wrote a play about a man who accidentally crippled an upstairs neighbor by firing a gun into the air on New Year’s Eve.

I love this subject because it is fraught, examines the issues of crime and punishment, and because of the issue of the weight of guilt and how one deals with it.

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Q: Silly? The pickings are vast. I've done so many silly things. Pranks, mostly. But I also grew up watching Candid Camera, now that I pause to ponder. Maybe that was it. However, I was also in my 20's, oh, and maybe 30s.

When I went clubbing with friends back then, I had been known to wear a wedding gown. I collected vintage wedding gowns because people gave them away. My favorite activity was to dash into a bar, up to a guy drinking a beer with his buddies and loudly sob: Why didn't you come to the wedding? We all waited for you. How could you do this to me? And then run out weeping. Also, when wearing a wedding gown, there is no standing in line waiting to get in. – Elizabeth Weintraub

A: This is excellent. Will you marry me?

—

Q: As a new intern, I tried to play a trick on a fellow resident, running up behind him and jumping up to piggyback. Unfortunately, he didn't see or hear me, and stepped away just as I jumped. I landed sitting on the floor, at the nurses's station, in front of nurses, patients, visitors, and fellow residents. –

— Frederica Nanni

A: I can identify. I have on at least three occasions in my life misjudged the location of a chair, missed it entirely, and landed on my ass. There is a local pizza joint where, at a certain table, the banquette does not quite cover the length of the table. The first time I was there, I went straight down. It is apparently a problem for others. The wait staff now warns you about it before you sit.

—

FOR THOSE WHO HAVE NOT SEEN THE CORRECT GUESS IN THE COMMENTS, THE MYSTERY PHOTO IS OF … JANIS JOPLIN.

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Q: Auntie Em, Auntie Em!

So here's an alternative to your favorite punctuation mark: the em dash. I love it--it subs directly most of the time and arguably looks friendlier, more like we talk (which is how you write). The semi is fustier, which may be why you like it. But try the dash; you'll like it. And it's sort of fusty. Look at the dialogue in Poe's stories. Em dashes everywhere! --Avery Comarow

A: I use dashes a lot BUT largely soured on them (speaking of Auntie M) because of Emily Dickinson, who used them indiscriminately, to no apparent reason or coherent effect. They seem arbitrary, lazy and tedious. Just an annoying hiccup. Sorry. I am not a fan. I apologize to all Emily fans.

Consider this poem, and how the dashes sort of ruin it.

I’m Nobody! Who are you?
Are you – Nobody – too?

Then there’s a pair of us!
Don’t tell! they’d advertise – you know!

How dreary – to be – Somebody
How public – like a Frog –
To tell one’s name – the livelong June –
To an admiring Bog!

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Q: I am an editor, retired from the federal government but still doing freelance editing for cavers (emphasis on free!).

My favorite punctuation mark is the interrobang, a mark and word so little used that autocorrect just now had no suggestions. (Or is it autofinish‽) See how I used an interrobang at the end of the last sentence‽ And the last‽

I could go on but I won’t.

Meredith Weberg

A: I think the interrobang will never really catch on for two reasons. It is supposed to mean an emphatic questionmark, one carrying extra emotion, but this effect can be just as well achieved in another way. What way???? – MULTIPLE QUESTION MARKS.

And the second reason is that the simplest way of summoning it is by typing in this mess:

‽

So.

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Q: Not sure this is the silliest, but when I lived in Florida (in my much younger years) sometimes I would drive to work without my shoes on. One day, I drove all the way just to find out I had forgotten to bring my shoes- had to drive all the way back home to get them which of course made me late to work. That was pretty silly (not to mention stupid).

A: Only mildly related, but when I was living alone as a young, uncivilized man, and did not regularly do laundry, I once simply ran out of even borderline usable underpants. So I went to work commando.

But in the bathroom at work, the zipper on my pants broke and got fused in the down position. And I had an early meeting I had to go to. For two hours I was like a 15 year old in a sorority house trying to use assorted objects to hide his arousal.

It occurred to me that with some bad luck I could have gotten fired, even arrested. This was at The Detroit Free Press.

Having planted this disgusting image in your brains, I am going to mercifully call us down.

Please keep sending Questions and Observations in. And also comments.