The Invitational Week 130: Same Difference
Tell us what's the same or different about any two wacky things we list. Plus some useful (and not-so-useful) brand-new words.
Hello. We’re back with an Invitational Classic®: the contest in which we present you with a list of random items and you compare or contrast any two (or more) in some cleverly funny manner. Here’s this year’s list; many of them were offered up to our request in the Invitational’s lively Facebook group.
A buffet sneeze guard
A dead and plucked duck
A Tesla
Two snowballs
Begging for sex
A bunker-buster bomb
Print newspapers
SpaceX
Jeff Bezos’s yacht’s tenth bathroom
Marcia Brady
Abraham Lincoln’s dog, Fido
A rat’s ass
The Almighty
JD Vance
Some random guy
Nine nipples
The difference between a Tesla and Jeff Bezos’s yacht’s tenth bathroom: While both are the pride of men flush with wealth, it’s the bathroom where the wealthy flush.
Print newspapers vs. a dead and plucked duck: With the duck, the contents are fresher.
For Invitational Week 130: Tell us humorously how any two (or more) items on the list above are alike, different, or otherwise linked, as in the examples above. See last year’s results here.
Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-130. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form. Formatting: It’s just our standard request to write each of your entries as a single line; i.e., don’t push Enter until the end of each entry.
Deadline is Saturday, July 5, 2025, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, July 10.
The winner receives a Squeeeze Banana (yes, with three e’s), a bright yellow banana-shaped squish toy that is waaayyy more satisfying that those foamy stress balls; this one molds to your hand and bends to how you shape it and it stays that way — and its surface is like smooth but slightly resistant rubber, almost compellingly touchable. And we’d say it’s hmm, six inches long. Donated by Dave Prevar, the Universal Donor.
(This is the Czar, butting in, to note that the Empress wrote the previous paragraph.)
Twistful Thinking: The word-search neologisms of Week 128
In Week 128, in the recurring contest we call As the Word Turns, we invited you to snake through this random grid we created — in any or all directions — and “discover” a new word or phrase. Like this week’s runner-up “Jerk, Jerk, Pig,” traced out below.
Third runner-up: Beginning at H-4: JERK, JERK, PIG: A variation of Duck, Duck, Goose played in Cabinet meetings. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)
Second runner-up: S-5: ADIOT: Annoyingly uninformed character in a commercial. “The actor hated playing the adiot who asks, “Do you mean a Medicare Advantage plan covers Parts A and B plus a whole lot MORE?’ ” (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)
First runner-up: J-16: NAP JUSTIFICATION: I’m old. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)
And the winner of the chicken purse:
H-8: ROY BIV: Mnemonic for colors of the spectrum, once Trump bans “green.” (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)
And now the Gene Pool Gene Poll, Invite Edition:
As always, if you think we ignored better entries in the Honorables (below) yell at us in the Comments.
Every Which Way You Lose: Honorable mentions
A-4: I LIE NICE, YOUR KING: What Trump wants as his epitaph. (Kevin Dopart, Naxos, Greece)
A-11: YELP COOT: Someone who only leaves negative reviews. (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.)
A-15: QUOOK: What President Richard Milhous Fudd claimed he was not. (Michael Stein)
A-17: SKYWALL: Trump’s plan to keep out Mexican airplanes. (Jesse Frankovich)
B-10: BUGGEROOS: Underwear with a flap in the back. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)
B-10: BUTTCOIN: Crypto. (Mark Raffman)
B-20: MAHA WELL: Sick. (Mark Raffman)
C-15: SAY BS: Trump’s advice to his press secretary just before she addresses the nation. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)
C-8: GOUGLE: A search engine for overpriced items. (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.)
D-12: PET COOKERY: “They’re eating the dogs!” (Gary Crockett)
D-12: POOT SLAM: A farting contest. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)
D-17: WASTOO: What comes after “Was.” “Wasnot.” (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)
D-18: MIX-NIPPLED: Having one that’s pink and one that’s brown. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)
E-3: CLOWN HELL: Where they make you juggle porcupines. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.)
E-15: AMPLE PIRANHA: Seriously, one is more than enough. (Gary Crockett)
E-15: APE MA’AM: Mrs. Tarzan. (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)
F-13: HIMMLED: Action taken by the Trump secret police, er, ICE. “Masked agents drove up and himmled the U.S. citizen into an unmarked van.” (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)
F-15: MOM CHECKER: The kid who acts as lookout before others raid the cookie jar. (Neil Kurland)
G-13: COXUP: A knockoff of Viagra. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)
H-10: WOYK: To gain employment as one of the Three Stooges. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)
H-19: PINGLE: That thrill you get when the cute guy you met at the bar last night texts you. (Deb Stewart, Damascus, Md.)
H-20: YELP MD: With the downsizing of NIH and the CDC, what might be out best option for medical information. (Diana Oertel, San Francisco)
I-7: VALET PARKER: JD Vance — in my dreams. (Jim Markisohn, Orlando, Fla., a First Offender)
I-15: DJTP: Bathroom tissue for extra-large assholes. (Deb Stewart)
I-9: DELI HECKLER: “You call that a schmear?” (Gary Crockett)
J-19: B-D-B-D-B-D: Porky Pig’s lead-in to “That’s all, folks!” (Neil Kurland)
K-7: LAPJACKER: An intrusively affectionate cat. (Richard Alexander, Grand Rapids, Mich.)
K-18 PURISH: The latest EPA water quality standard. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)
L-19: BVRLAP: Ancient Roman sackcloth. (Jeff Contompasis)
N-10 GOYMIX: Velveeta and bacon bits on a bagel. (Greg Dunn, Alexandria, Va.)
O-11: FECALMOP: Picks up where the bidet leaves off. (Deb Stewart)
O-12: FED NADS: What OMB Director Russell Vought keeps squeezing. (Chris Doyle)
O-13: DEIFECATION: The act of worshiping a piece of shit. (Mark Raffman)
U-3: ZEN/OY: Ratio of inner peace to outer insanity. “America is in a concerning state of zen/oy imbalance.” (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)
U-19: YYLY: Texting shorthand for “wisely.” (Jeff Contompasis)
And Last: D-12: POO LAW: Unwritten rule that at least one potty joke must appear in each set of contest results. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)
And Even Laster: H-6: INK DRIVEL: What I will look back on as the supreme accomplishments of my life. (Jonathan Jensen, who has been published 384 times in The Invitational)
The headline “Twistful Thinking” is by Jeff Contompasis; Tom Witte wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.
Still running — deadline Saturday, June 28, at 9 p.m. ET: Our contest to write lines from a Trumpian Gettysburg Address. Click below for details.
Now we seamlessly segue into the Real-Time portion of The Gene Pool, where Gene answers questions in real time. Many of the questions today relate to Gene’s call, in the weekend Gene Pool, for observation about my desecration of haiku, and other universally revered things that, in fact, suck. Please send new Questions and Observations here:
Oh, wait. You also have to give us money. Okay, you don’t HAVE to, but won’t you feel better about yourself if you do? We work hard at this and without your contribution, Gene and Pat have to reuse toilet paper to keep financially viable.
Good.
Q: You wrote about how much you love Rachel because she will go to work at The Post in pajamas. Photo or it never happened.
A: Sure.
TIMELY TIP: If you’re reading this on an email: Just click on the headline in the email and it will deliver you to the full column online. Keep refreshing the screen to see the new questions and answers that appear as I regularly update the post.
Okay, let’s go.
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Q: My favorite haiku, seen in a shop window in Salem, Oregon several years ago:
Help me! I am trapped
In a haiku factory
Save me before they
A: Superior.
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Q: For some reason people think Bohemian Rhapsody is the best song ever written. I think it's the most overrated song in history.
A:I disagree for the same reason “A Day In The Life” is a great song. Unnerving but fascinating changes in tempo and music and message. Both startle. That is great.
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Q: I’ve read and heard about T’s psychology and it makes sense. What I don’t understand are the people who become so enthralled by him. There’s the part of the public who love him even though he’s out to fleece them and there are the politicians who at one point knew what he was but now are sycophantically devoted to him. What’s the psychology behind that?
A: Very good question. I think he appears to a broad swath of people: un-intelligentsia who are frustrated by their lack of power – understandably – and see him as an ally because they are stupid and/or bigoted, which he gives them license to be.
*
Q: Hot dogs are crap. All baseball fans like them. Not me. They're crap.
A: Totally agree BUT not hot dogs at Tiger Stadium in 1978. All pork. Absolutely great. Nobody can do that anymore — I theorize for religious reasons.
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Q: And you had to get me started on Bernie Taupin. "I guess that's why they call it the blues." WHAT is why they call it the blues? I'm so sad that I held my breath until my face turned blue, and I guess that's why they call it the blues. My sweetheart wrote the breakup note in blue Sharpie, and I guess that's why they call it the blues. I've gotten used to all the songs with the lyric "between you and I" but this one just kills me.
– “And the stars / fall from the sky / for you and I.” – The Doors
Back to Taupin:
“Laughing like children / Living like lovers / Rolling like thunder / under the covers./ That’s why they call it the blues.” – WTF?
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Q: Random thought on another depressing Thursday: I am increasingly of the opinion that the world has undergone a quiet invasion of Lizard Women. Donald Trump is clearly a lizard in a human suit, for starters, but the increasing ubiquity of Trump-era women makes me highly suspicious: faces full of Botox, lips artificially plumped, perky silicone bosoms at high alert, below-the-shoulder blow-dried hair cascading in artful ringlets.....They all look alike, whether blond or brunette (interestingly, no redheads). They are all Mean Girls. They all present a kind of porn-queen sex appeal, and all they display a slavish adoration of the Chief Lizard. Their thinking is entirely reptilian: sly, cunning, but devoid of any human emotion (example: Kristi Noem shooting her dog). It's eerie, I'm telling you. These are not real people. I mean, where were they 15 years ago? Had anyone heard of any of them? Then Donald Trump appeared and they all started to slither out from behind the woodwork. They are not of this world and they mean us harm.
It feels true, doesn't it? -- Tracy
A: Yes, Rachel was just making a similar point. She thinks ambitious women alter themselves to look his wife or daughter, as a sign of loyalty to the Head Lizard, and that he notices. Bondi, Noem, Alina Habba, Leavitt, etc.
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Q: I am not a "click-through" to comment reader. But I'm making an exception here. I think your savaging of the law school student whose white supremacist paper won an award is way overblown. It's a classroom paper written by one of 116,000 law school students in the US. Of all the things Trump has done to push toward greater authoritarianism, this ranks at the bottom, if it ranks at all.
The answer to Mr. Damsky's paper is to explain why it's wrong on the merits, which many have done. The answer is not to say that a student who expresses such a viewpoint cannot, by defintion, be the best "student" in his or her class.
Damsky is no different from thousands of other people who harbor, and express, ugly views. But those people have existed since the founding of our country. What's principally different about this century is that social media has given them to the ability to spew their vile to a broader audience. Sure, Trump emboldens more of them to say out loud what they think, but I don't believe he has created more of them, and certainly not Damsky.
Authoritarianism does not "spread to overtake a country" by enabling everyone to say what's on their minds -- even if what's on their mind is objectively odious. But it can spread by selectively suppressing viewpoints. Which brings us to the case of Damsky:
He is, and should be, entitled to write a paper expressing the view that the framers of the Constitution thought it should apply only to whites. His expression of opinions in the paper about what might happen if the Consitution isn't interpreted in this way - i.e., that warranted violence might ensue -- is equally protected by the First Amendment.
The "book award" he received was for being the best student in the class. How do any of us know that Damsky wasn't the best student in the class -- or for that matter, that his paper wasn't the best written paper in the class?
Note that the book award was not bestowed by the "institution," as you say. It was bestowed by the class professors, who happen to be a federal district judge in Florida, appointed by Donald J. Trump, and another lawyer. So there is this implication in the press that Damsky received the book award not because he was the best student in the class, or wrote the best paper, but because the professors were racists. That's possible, too, but again we don't know.
Ah, but how could Damsky have been the best student when his paper is so plainly wrong on the merits? Law schools teach their students not just the law (in fact, you learn little about the law in law school), but to "think like a lawyer." That means to examine the strengths and weaknesses of any legal proposition, and to figure out how to advocate for even the weakest position. This is the cornerstone of our adversarial system of justice.
The best lawyers are able to make a legal position that everyone thinks is indefensible defensible. Defensible does not mean right. That determination is left up to a jury, judge, or in this case the court of public opinion. (Note this is why a lot of people hate lawyers -- until they need one, at which point they want the one who's best at defending the indefensible.) It may be that Damsky wrote a good defense of an indefensible legal proposition.
If I had written the paper, but everyone knew it was just a provocative argument -- not part of my broader ideology -- I might have received the book award, but it wouldn't have attracted media attention or, in all likelihood, condemnation. The reason it did here was because of all the vile crap Damsky spewed over social media about his ideology.
This is why the Florida's College of Law was correct in defending the professors' right to give him the award, and why you're wrong to say "no institution [sic] should get away with awarding [the paper] a prize, however well written it was." One way authoritarianism takes over a country is by enabling its leaders and institutions to amplify or suppress voices based on viewpoint. We should hear what Damsky and his ilk think -- and frankly we should hear the best articulation of their views -- because we need to combat those views head-on.
And that's what we should be doing with Damsky -- addressing his noxious views head-on -- not debating about whether he deserved one of thousands of law school classroom awards given annually.
Q: In my opinion, yours is a well-reasoned argument, as Damsky’s might be. We don’t know. But here is the operative question, which I express through extension ad absurdum: What if he had argued that Blacks and Jews should be killed by mobs of righteously indignant citizens — a modern, lethal Kristallnacht — on the grounds that they are harming society? Or, say, that people who have abortions have to be prosecuted for murder? And that it was clear, from his prior public opinions that he believed those things, and was not being intellectually provocative? AND (this is actually true) that he was a Neo-Nazi? And also that his argument was making some sort of technically defensible or arguable legal point. Should a public school of higher education, to which tens of thousands of people spend hundreds of thousands of collars, give him an award for being the best student?
“Best,” even in law school, should include measures of character.
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Q: Do you have an opinion of the latest changes to the print edition? Basically only two sections. I have to admit I liked finding the funnies in the same place everyday. That reminded me of growing reading the Philadelphia Evening Bulletin and the funnies were always on the last page. Now they might be buried anywhere. Tom Logan - Sterling, VA
A: It’s terrible. My biggest problem is that it was dishonestly presented as an improvement, when it was a cost-cutting reduction of quality and content.
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A few days ago I fell asleep hard for about an hour and then woke up, which isn’t unusual for me. However, this time it felt as though I work too early or maybe my sleep was disturbed, I don’t know. When I woke up I couldn’t remember the numerical passcode to my iPhone, a passcode that I’ve used for over ten years. I couldn’t even remember that I’ve been using my fingerprint to unlock the phone lately. I tried different passcodes until my access got blocked. I eventually remembered my passcode the next day. Something similar happened about four years ago when I woke up after a short, hard sleep and couldn’t remember the password for a program I’ve used for about twenty years. It was like it had been wiped from my brain and it took two or three hours for me to remember it. I’m in my early 50s and otherwise have a fairly decent memory. I will sometimes open a new tab on my computer to look something up and then not remember what I wanted to look up, but it usually comes back to me in a few minutes. Anyway, is the passcode thing something I should worry about? It was weird how it was just gone. Thanks.
A: I feel your pain. Honestly, I wasn’t like this till I was about 65. I recently told Rachel – this is absolutely true – that I would be worried I was going senile, except I can still write. I mean, more or less. Maybe it’s just brain-muscle memory. Or maybe I am currently in a hospital, on a ventilator, imagining all of this.
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Q: Any child younger than a certain age should ride on the sidewalk. Puberty seems maybe a little high for this age, but 10 seems a little low. Maybe there's a gray area between the two.
A: I agree! But there are 40 year old assholes riding on the sidewalk, squeezing that little sissy dingle-bell when they want you to move over to let them get by.
Q: This is funny. https://bsky.app/profile/clapifyoulikeme.favrd.social/post/3lrwj3zsxdk2k
A: It is. Now here is an error I cannot imagine ever making. And there are very, very few errors I cannot imagine ever making. I think it must be that when he argues with his wife, he calls her honey. But it is a scream.
Q: I truly do not understand the reverence for Led Zeppelin. Yeah, they have a few good riffs, and some of their songs start off like they’re going to be good, and then the screaming begins. if I wanted to hear atonal screaming then I would watch “Real Housewives of Some Random Place”. — Tim Elliott
A: C’mon. Stairway.
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Q: I don't know if this all-white canvas by Ryman is "generally revered", but I do believe it is "generally crap". https://www.ndtv.com/world-news/this-blank-pure-white-canvas-expected-to-sell-for-over-1-5-million-7176018
A: This is hilarious. I envy the artist’s marketing brilliance.
I also find Mondrian to be silly.
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Q: I believe the Ten Commandments, although generally greatly revered, to be total crap. Certainly not worth all the hoopla. If one believes in a supreme being, regardless of one’s vision of what form that being takes, why waste the initial 40% of the “rules” commanding how to deal with that being. Seems like preaching to the already converted. The next two commandments are great rules to follow. The seventh commandment frankly seems like good advice, however seems to not be respected with the rigorousness or enforcement afforded the previous five. The eighth is unquestionably a good rule, and the ninth is good advice but not as strictly required. The last commandment is simply not a good rule. Lots of fun and good experiences begin by coveting. And if the purpose of these rules is to provide guidance for living a good life, why don’t they tell us what we SHOULD do, like treating others as we want to be treated? Too much focus on what we should NOT be doing.
A: Not to state the obvious, but coveting one’s neighbor’s Ass. is something almost everyone has done at one time or another.
Okay I declare us down!
Buggeroos by Frank Osen is funniest in my humble opinion. Skywall is a close second.
On the Ten Commandments...I sure would like to know what those five Commandments are that Moses dropped in History of World, Part I.