The Invitational Week 125: Our last gasp for 'air quotes'

For the ninth and final time, our inside-the-word game. Plus new meanings for old abbreviations.

Hello. All good things must come to an end, particularly “air quotes,” which, by their very nature, come to an end. They start upside down, and end right side up. Air quotes have been one of our favorite contests because of their elegance and simplicity: Take any word or expression, place a portion of it in “air quotes,” and reinterpret it. We’ve been doing it for nearly thirty years.

Like this one, just suggested by Loser Jon Gearhart:
Honey“moo”n: The honey“moo”n was over when Frank said, “I guess it wasn’t just the too-tight wedding dress.”

Or this classic by Brendan Beary:
Su“perv”isor: The boss who believes too strongly in “hands-on management.”

Or this, by Jeff Shirley: Cont“race”ption: The rush to get the condom package open before the mood wilts.

We are officially retiring this contest because unlike other Invitational staples, it tends to be slowly, inexorably suicidal. When we invite you to “breed” two racehorse names every year to name a foal, we’re using a different crop of 3-year-olds every spring. Same thing when we ask you over and over to reinterpret headlines from that week’s news. But the air quotes, we’re asking you to do the same thing over and over — eight times already — and of course we don’t want to reuse the jokes that have already been made. Hundreds and hundreds of them.

We figure it’s got one more shot at being great. We weep at its demise but only in the sense that we wept when Betty White died. She lived a long, brilliant life and gave us much joy, including this magnificent commercial.

For Invitational Week 125: Highlight part of a word, name or short phrase in “air quotes” to give the word a new meaning or description, as in the examples above and the many links below. You can’t change the spelling of the original but may tinker with capitalization, punctuation, and spacing.

For further Guidance & Inspiration™, here are links to text files (no paywall) of our past results, at least the ones we could find in the Losers’ own absurdly comprehensive archives. At each link, scroll down past that week’s new contest.

Results of Week 336, spread over two weeks: Here and here
Week 405, 2001
Week 826, 2009 (more winners here)
Week 1134, 2015
Week 1280, 2018
Week 1355, 2019
Week 1359, 2019 (a variation where the air quote had to span two words)
Week 1511, 2022

Neato update! Mere hours we published this Invitational on Thursday morning, May 22, we got an email from Loser Jeff Contompasis, who’d taken it upon himself to compile an alphabetical list of all the air quotes that had gotten ink from the contests above — from “ai”r quotes to z“ucch”ini — except the Week 1359 two-word variation. So here’s a link to that list; it contains only the words with the quotes, though, not the funny descriptions.

Formatting this week: Standard drill — begin each entry with your word, and include quotation marks around the “inside word.” And as usual, write each of your entries as a separate single line; i.e., don’t push Enter until the end of each entry.

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-125. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form.

Deadline is Saturday, May 31, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, June 5.

The winner gets a nifty 20-ounce travel mug disguised as a dirty can of auto brake cleaning fluid. When you’re getting your car’s oil changed, be sure to sip conspicuously from it, making slurpy yum-yum sounds.

You’ll run like a charm: This week’s prize mug, complete with pull-out straw.

This Sunday: Remote surveillance of Losers!

The 29th (!!) annual Flushies “banquet”/awards/songfest presented by Invitational Losers and Hangers-On will go down Sunday afternoon, May 25, at Mount Vermin, home of the Empress. And around 2 p.m. ET, they’ll turn on a Zoom feed for the awards and song parody singalong. Here’s the Zoom link.

Laugh Is Short: Re-translated abbreviations from Week 123

In Week 123 we challenged you to create a new meaning for an existing acronym or initialism. If you don’t know what an abbreviation below really means, click on the link provided for each entry.

Third runner-up:
HTTP: Hyper-thin TP, the one-ply. “We asked him to get the Charmin, but cheapo Dad got the HTTP again.” (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Second runner-up:
D.C.: Democracy’s Crypt (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

First runner-up:
CPAC: Caucasians Planning a Coup. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

And the winner of the Shakespeare finger puppet/magnet:
FUBAR: The exam you have to pass to become a divorce lawyer. (Jesse Frankovich)

And the Gene Pool Gene Poll:

As always, if you think we ignored better entries in the Honorables (below) yell at us in the Comments.

Letter Bombs: Honorable mentions

AARP: Agreeing to Accept Rectal Probes. (Getting older isn’t always glamorous.) (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md., who fairly recently turned Colonoscopy years old)

ASAP: Anytime, Sometime, Absolutely, Perhaps (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

ATC: Air Telepathic Control — recently implemented at Newark. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

CAPTCHA (Completely Automated Public Turing test to tell Computers and Humans Apart): Can A Person Tell Cars and Houses Apart? (Jonathan Jensen)

CBP: Catching Brown People (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

DACA: Decisions Accelerated for Caucasian Afrikaners (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

DEI: Donald Ended It (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)

DIY: Done Incorrectly? Yes. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

DOGE: Degrading Our General Effectiveness (Duncan Stevens)
DOGE: Destroying Our Government Everywhere (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)
DOGE: Doofuses Overseeing Government Enshittification (Chris Doyle)

EFT: Emoluments For Trump. “Please specify ‘EFT’ on your tax payment.” (Kevin Dopart, Naxos, Greece)

FAFSA: Frustrating As Fuck. Sheer Agony! (Jonathan Jensen)

FEMA: Former Emergency Management Agency (Jonathan Jensen)

FTE: Federally Terminated Expertise (Kevin Dopart)

FUBAR: Fucked Up by a Republican (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

HBCU: Habeas Corpus Undone. “HBCU: A cause the Administration supports fervently.” (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)

HHS: Hastening Human Sickness (Mark Raffman)

IRS: Invasive Rectal Strip-search. “You can count on the IRS to find that hidden cash.” (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

MAHA: Measles Are Here Again! (Chris Doyle)

NSAID (Non-Steroidal Anti-Inflammatory Drugs): Ninety-nine Side-effects Ascertained (Including Death). “If you experience death, stop taking this medication and contact your physician.” (Jon Gearhart)

OPS (On-base plus slugging): Obnoxiously Pedantic Statistic (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

RFK Jr.: Road-Fucking-Kill!? Jesus, really? (Sam Mertens)

RIF: Random Idiotic Firings (Duncan Stevens)

ROFL: Rule of Law. “Mr. President, are you going to fairly and consistently uphold the ROFL?” *ROFL* (Jesse Frankovich)

SCIF (sensitive compartmented information facility): Signal Chat Is Fine (Stephen Dudzik)

SCOTUS: Selling Country Out To Ugly-ass Sovereign (Jon Gearhart)

SMH: Shit My Hanes (Sam Mertens)

TTYL: Talk To Yourself, Lardass (Frank Osen)

UFO: Up-Fanny Object. “My proctologist says he’s seen some pretty unbelievable UFOs.” (Jesse Frankovich)

WYSIWYG: Wash Your Strawberries — I Whizzed in Your Garden (Jon Gearhart)

The headline “Laugh Is Short” is by Jesse Frankovich; Jesse also wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running — deadline Saturday, May 24, at 9 p.m. ET: Our “what if” contest. Click below for details.

The Invitational Week 124: You Have to Wonder

Now we seamlessly segue into the Real-Time portion of The Gene Pool, where Gene answers your questions and observations in real time. Many of today’s questions relate to Gene’s call, on the weekend, for you to tell us about the most awful person you’ve ever met. Also, thoughts on wristwatches.

Please send in new Q’s and Obses here:

Q: With the tsunami of disclosures about the high efforts to hide the extent of Joe Biden’s physical and cognitive decline leading to the 2024 election, do you think those efforts constituted a greater betrayal of Americans than the in-your-face rapacious monetizing of the presidency by Trump? Trump’s presidency might be one big grift, but he wears it proud and he wears it loud. And it surprises neither opponents nor supporters.

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A: I think this is a fair question. I am going to take it seriously.

I think nothing is worse than Donald Trump’s foul stewardship of the United States. I think he is evil and incompetent and cruel and ignorant and corrupt and is attempting to dismantle everything that has generally, historically, made the United States good and noble. I think it is an assault on democracy. I would, if necessary, go into hiding and join a Resistance if things get even worse than they are.

BUT:

I am really bothered by the disclosures in Jake Tapper’s book. I think we were hoodwinked in a dreadful and harmful way. I feel personally betrayed. I do not know if things would have been different if Biden had bowed out earlier – if he had not been protected by a conspiracy of silence and outright deception – but I do suspect that Trump might not currently be president, which is all that matters.

Do you agree?

Second Gene Pool Gene Poll:

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TIMELY TIP: If you’re reading this on an email: Just click on the headline in the email and it will deliver you to the full column online. Keep refreshing the screen to see the new questions and answers that appear as I regularly update the post.

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And finally, before we begin, a very important message from the proprietors of The Gene Pool, involving our need for your money:

We need your money.

If you are in a position to do so, and are not already a paid subscriber, please consider becoming a paid subscriber. Alternatively, you can do what an unpaid subscriber did yesterday: She sent me a notice from her bank that her balance had fallen below $4. It was a great excuse!

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Q: Worst person I ever met:

Well. During the late 1980s, I worked at the U.S. Embassy in Rome. I was a new father at the time and when I heard about another American blessed with a newborn, I sought him out and congratulated him, shaking his hand. Years later, he suddenly appeared on the front page of the Washington Post, and not in a good way: Aldrich (Rick) Ames. Ames' betrayals helped the KGB so much that I'm surprised Putin hasn't angled for some sort of prisoner exchange through his good friend Donald. My hand itches with shame still when I think back to the encounter.

A: Aldrich Ames is a great nominee. His betrayals wound up killing at least ten American “assets,” executed by the Soviets. You win the contest.

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Q: What is the worst thing the Empress has ever done? I know all of Gene’s juicy bits but I want to hear the dirt on Pat.

A: I am not sure where this question came from — I guess because I admitted having shot heroin, etc. — but I can answer it. The worst thing Pat has ever done is cruelly disrespect my judgment in matters of humor. I dare her to contest this or offer a credible defense.

Of slightly lesser consequence, she once shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.

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Q: The most horrible person I ever met is my older brother’s wife. She thinks George Zimmerman is a good guy, Obama is the devil incarnate, and don’t even get me started on trump. We don’t talk anymore. Carol M.

A: There is someone with whom I have a business relationship, and whom I consider a friend, who is a Trump enthusiast. It has damaged our relationship in oddly unspoken ways. We do not speak of it, but you cannot help but judge, deeply.

Q: The most horrible person I ever met was a neighbor who once euthanized her dog because he no longer blended, in color, with her new furniture.

A: I actually heard of another case like this. Exactly like this.

Q: The worst people I know: I know you love women but I, a woman, have known several like this.

The tactics of spreading mean and mostly untrue gossip about someone so they are shunned, and getting other people to do the dirty work for them, are mostly used by females (though our current leader employs many of them). It’s really, really awful to be ostracized especially when the gossip is behind your back so you can’t say for sure why people are backing away from you. What adds to the harm is most people don’t take it seriously (“it’s just high school stuff”, etc.), but losing friends is really painful, and it happens in workplaces pretty often, too, which has real consequences. And the women who do it get away with it, even if they’re found out.

A: I love how un-selfaware this letter writer is. Carolyn’s response is perfect.

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Q: The worst person I’ve met is Mike Pompeo. I worked at the CIA when he was CIA Director. In the 29.5 years I worked there, he was the worst director (A Trump puppet). Michele U.

A: I once met George W. Bush. He was a terrible president — among the worst, IMO — but I kind of liked him. As with all candidates for the story I was writing, I asked him only one question: What the funniest thing about running for president was, and he said that some kid had asked him if he was George Washington. Not the funniest response I got, but funny enough.

The funniest response, oddly enough, was from Al Gore, on the phone. I asked him the same question, and he said, “the funniest thing is reporters who conduct one-question interviews.” So I asked him why that was funny, and he said “That’s a second question,” and HUNG UP.

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Q: Is a dog a “person?” If so, the worst person I ever met was my neighbor’s dog. His name was Skippy, or Skinny or something. He came into my yard constantly and pissed on my flower bed, killing all the flowers over time. Also, he howled all night.

A: A dog is a person, in my opinion. They have “person”alities, speaking of “air quotes.”

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Q: I too would prefer the Accutron over that ugly piece of dreck Rachel wears. That said, I totally respect every person’s taste in timepieces. De gustibus non disputandum est, as the Romans supposedly said. But I wear a Rolex, a fairly plain stainless steel Datejust, which is everything (to me at least) a watch should be: accurate, rugged, water-resistant, and handsome. Automatic movement, so no mucking about with batteries. It’s the only watch I ever wanted, from a very young age, and the only watch I wear, every minute of every day, and will until the day I die. I have been an Apple devotee forever: Mac II, G5, laptops, iPhone, iPad, MacBook Pro. But Apple Watch? Fuck no.

A: I dislike Rolexes because I feel they are overpriced and oversized and usually grotesquely ostentatious, but this is elegant. I respect you for not getting a quartz version, which is an abomination. Getting an expensive quartz watch is like getting a Maserati with a toaster engine.

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Q: You asked about getting back at someone. So I don't know if this is getting back at someone, but I did make Bruce Springsteen laugh when I met him in person in Seattle, WA on 10/1/2016, for his Born to Run book signing tour of the USA. I had mere seconds to regale him with my breathless idolatry of him and his artistry over the long years of my having been a fan of his, and the E Street Band. The staff on site took my Canon camera to snap us together in this encounter of seconds.

I told Bruce of how he had asked the audience who threw that bra on stage on December 28, 1980, some almost 36 yrs ago, from that date. I was too chicken to stand up then, as the girl who in fact threw the bra at him on stage. But as I had matured since, many years hence, I got my courage up, and told him that girl who threw the bra was me! And immediately he began to crack up, and it was captured on my camera too, 4ever preserved! We both were laughing together. He remembered the black lace bra too! I guess I am memorable, as many have told me since. I have since blown up our photo shoot, as my home is a shrine to Bruce Springsteen with many kinds of memorabilia, pictures, a life sized cut out cardboard even! He's in every room in fact. I should offer Bruce fans a tour. There r a lot of us worldwide.

Did I get back at Bruce for telling him only 36 years later that I was the girl w the black lace bra, one that I had outgrown at the time, so it was trash anyway? I sat in the 44th row of the floor at Nassau Coliseum, and it was my 1st ever Bruce concert. Just $12.50 per ticket then. And he played over 4 hours, and by that time, I was totally hooked, 4 life.

A: Thank you. This is delightful.

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Q: The worst person I know is this guy who had an ugly quartz watch.

A: Okay, that made me laff.

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Q: Regarding dogs eating things they shouldn’t, my cousin’s dog once ate an entire bag of her weed. This was a tiny dog and a sizable amount of weed. The dog was walking around stoned for days.

A: I know a woman who was once housesitting for a dog, and the dog ate an entire container of her antidepressants. The dog was loopy for two days, but fine. Not at all depressed.

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Q: So, your account to ensure adequate toilet-flushing water was in arrears? - Andy Schotz

A: Thank you.

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Q: In your poll about Trump's looks, I said I couldn't be objective. But in the Post Sunday, there was a picture of him from 1987. I have to admit, he WAS good-looking back in the day! Still can't really say about now. His habitual glower definitely detracts.

A: Yeah. I know the situation. I am only five years younger than he is, and I think he looks better than I do; he has good, patrician bone structure.

But boy, I cannot judge him honestly. Because he is such an evil asshole.

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Okay, I am calling us down. Please keep sending in Q’s and O’s.

To the Q and O button.