The Invitational Week 124: You Have to Wonder

What if ... we do this contest again?

Hello. Just curious:

What if there were an alternate universe where your cat did not follow
you to the bathroom?
You’d just sit there and talk to yourself, I guess. (Robyn Carlson)

What if instead of the Stanley Cup it was a Stanley Jockstrap?
It would be easier to hold above your head, but players probably
wouldn’t drink out of it so much. (Jeff Shirley)

What if “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” had instead been “Breakfast at IHOP”?*
The lead character would be named Holly Goheavily — and would not be
played by Audrey Hepburn. (Dave Prevar)

For Invitational Week 124: Give us a “what-if?” scenario. The weirder the better, as in the examples above from a previous contest. (See other previous results here, here, and here.)

Formatting this week: It’s just our standard request to write each of your entries as a separate single line; i.e., don’t push Enter until the end of each entry.

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-124. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form.

Deadline is Saturday, May 24, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, May 29.

The winner gets a a stick of O-Balm-A lip balm, whose packaging touts: “Still on everyone’s lips.” “Apply Liberally.” “Promotes Healing.” Whoever created this product ought to enter some of our wordplay contests. Donated (still sealed) by Dave Prevar.

Stable Geniuses: The grandfoals of Week 122

Four weeks ago, in Invitational Week 120, we once again listed 100 of the horses nominated for this year’s Triple Crown races, and asked you to “breed” any two and name a “foal” playing on both parents’ names. (This year’s winner: Olive Green x Citizen Bull = Oyl of Olé.) Which was followed by the annual spinoff contest: In Invitational Week 122 you then “bred” those pun-filled foal names. The best of the more than 1,200 “grandfoals” appear below — and given such parent names as Beef Strokin’ Off and Brokeback Mountie, it’s not surprising that there’s many a horse of an off color.

Third runner-up: Can’t Ketch Me x Captain, Obviously = No Ship, Sherlock (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Second runner-up: Raptcha x Glazed Unconfused = End of Daze (Bernard Brink, Cleveland, Mo.)

First runner-up: The 1/4th Estate x Deus Sex Machina = Quarter Pounder (Laurie Brink, Mineola, N.Y.; Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

And the winner of the chicken socks:
Stop Laugh-In x Carbon Dating = Oldie Hawn (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

As always, if you disagree with our selections and prefer some of the Honorable Mentions, please shout out your favorites in the comments.

Heir Cuts: Honorable Mentions:

Alfred E. Newsman x From Don to Musk = Mad MAGA Scene (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

Alfred E. Newsman x Kid Napped = AlfredE.Snoozeman (Pamela Love, Columbia, Md.)

Alfred E. Newsman x Make It Hard = Walter Concrete (Mia Wyatt, Ellicott City, Md.)

Baptismal Font x Glazed Unconfused = Dunkin’ (Larry Rifkin, Glastonbury, Conn.; Tim Watts, Athens, Ala.)

Beef Strokin’ Off x Fire in the Hole = Come as You Char (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

Beef Strokin’ Off x Captain, Obviously = Come Now, Sir (Lee Graham)

Beef Strokin’ Off x Fish and Cheops = WankLikeAnEgyptian (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Beef Strokin’ Off x Maitre A-Plus = Bone Appétit! (Chris Doyle)

Beef Strokin’ Off x Maothful = Filetio (Tim Watts)

Beef Strokin’ Off x The Dark Lard = HandJabba the Hutt (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Beef Strokin’ Off x Yux = Ejacularity (Jeff Contompasis)

Beignet & the Jet x Point of Ordure = Elton’s John (Laurie Brink)

Billboard Baggins x Oregasm = TolkienOfAffection (Lee Graham)

Brokeback Mountie x Oregasm = O! O! O! Canada! (Tim Watts; Hildy Zampella, Sarasota, Fla.; Rick Haynes, Boynton Beach, Fla.)

Capital Hill x Maothful = Moola Rouge (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.)

Carb Daddy x Smoker’s Coif = Tortes & the Hair (Judy Freed)

Carb Daddy x The Full Mountie = Starch Naked (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Carbon Dating x Lust Man Standing = Homo Erectus (Jeff Contompasis)

Code Duello x Cut the Crap = Dueling Baños (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

Code Duello x London Fridge = Aaron Brrr (Mia Wyatt; Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)

Cougar-rand x Illegit Mate = Mountain Lyin’ (Karen Lambert)

Cruller Than Death x Fire in the Hole = Krispy Kremation (Chris Doyle; Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

Cut the Crap x Manifest Density = The Plop Thickens (Jeff Rackow, Bethesda, Md.)

Cut the Crap x Maothful = Dung Xiaoping (Mark Raffman)

Delugional x Baptismal Font = Sham Dunk (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio)

Fire in the Hole x Baptismal Font = Hellvetica (Steve Price, New York)

Fish and Cheops x Usual Gang of Ids = Bunch of Old Gizas (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.)

Fish and Cheops x Illegit Mate = Pyramid Scheme (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.; Bernard Brink)

Fish and Cheops x Illegit Mate = Basstard (Steve Price; Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Fish and Cheops x Water We Gonna Do? = Pharaoh Faucet (Mia Wyatt)

From Don to Musk x Point of Ordure = The Turd Reich (Chris Doyle)

Point of Ordure x Maothful = SqueezeTheChairman (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Gangsta Wrap x Beef Strokin’ Off = Lewdacris (Steve Price)

Gangsta Wrap x Kid Napped = Jay-Zzz (Tim Watts)

Great Deportations x Cruller Than Death = ICE-y Dead People (Brian Cohen, Winston-Salem, N.C.)

HO x Carb Daddy = Idaho (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

HO x OreckOfTheHesperus = A Whore’s a Vacuum (Jeff Hazle)

If I Only HadABra x YachtaYachtaYachta = Sag Harbor (Jeff Rackow; Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

If I Only HadABra x YachtaYachtaYachta = Stacked Deck (Beverley Sharp)

Illegit Mate x Messy = Partner in Grime (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Kid Napped x Cut the Crap = SleepsWithTheEnema (Beverley Sharp)

Kid Napped x Robbin’ Williams = Ransom of RedThief (Steve Smith; Pamela Love)

London Fridge x Oregasm = TheIcemaker Cometh (Gary Crockett)

Lord & Tailored x Capital Hill = Servile Row (Mark Raffman)

Lord & Tailored x Stop Laugh-In = Hemming & Hawn (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.)

Maitre A-Plus x You’re Delugional = Après Moi … (Jonathan Paul)

Make It Hard x Carbon Dating = Thrust but Verify (Jeff Contompasis)

Make It Hard x Maothful = Wow Zedong (Frank Osen; Pam Sweeney)

Make It Hard x Water We Gonna Do? = Viagra Falls (Andrew Rosenberg, Brooklyn, N.Y.; Steve Price)

Messi Beaucoup x Gilty = Gooooooooooooold (Duncan Stevens)

Mike Dyson x OreckOfTheHesperus = Nature Abhors Me (Jesse Frankovich)

Mummy of Invention x Deus Sex Machina = Mama Sutra (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Mummy of Invention x Stop Laugh-In = Neferteehee (Chris Doyle)

Mummy of Invention x You’re Delugional = Queen of Denial (Jon Gearhart)

Mummy of Invention x Beef Strokin’ Off = King Tutancummin (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

Of Course Me Worry x Not My Type = B Negative (Jonathan Jensen; Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.)

P.U. Kid x Fish and Cheops = Tootin’ Common (Mark Raffman)

New Serif in Town x Carb Daddy = Glutenberg (Pam Shermeyer)

No.1 With a Bullet x Fire in the Hole = UTI (Gary Crockett)

No.1 With a Bullet x Maitre A-Plus = No.1 With a Buffet (David Peckarsky, Tucson, Ariz.)

No.1 With a Bullet x No-Brainer = Dumdum (Pam Shermeyer)

No. 1 With a Bullet x Point of Ordure = No. 2 (Bernard Brink)

Oil Aboard! x Carb Daddy = Hazardous Waist (Pam Shermeyer)

Oil Aboard! x Of Course Me Worry = Ahoy Vey (Eric Nelkin)

Point of Ordure x Capital Hill = Scheisster (Roy Ashley)

Robbin’ Williams x No-Brainer = Mrs. Surefire (Tim Watts)

Socket to Me x Illegit Mate = Current Affair (Kevin Dopart, Naxos, Greece)

The Liceman Cometh x EyeQ = Parasight (Tim Watts)

Throbbin’ Williams x Make It Hard = Porkin’ Mindy (Leif Picoult)

Titztastic x Yux = Bust Out Laughing (Jonathan Jensen)

The headline “Stable Geniuses” is by Jeff Contompasis; Kevin Dopart wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running — deadline Sunday, May 18, at 9 p.m. ET: Our contest for new meanings for existing initialisms and acronyms. Click on the link below for the details.

The Invitational Week 123: STFU (St. Fun, our patron)

Now we seamlessly segue into the Real-Time portion of The Gene Pool, where Gene answers your questions and observations in real time. Many of today’s questions involve his recent column about colliding tastes in wristwatches.

Please send in new Q’s and Obses here:

This is Gene. Here is an open message to the person who very completely and articulately summarized – in a question and observation – what he or she believes to be my Secret Opinion that I have never publicly shared, not because I am embarrassed by it, but because it would needlessly hurt innocent people:

Yes, you got it. Totally. Eloquently. And no, it will never appear in print for the above-mentioned reason. But, congratulations. You are the first. And it has been nearly 20 years, with many earnest private attempts.

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Q: Regarding watches. I inherited my father’s watch—a gold pocket watch, for which I, as a Trump-approved female person, have no conceivable use. Ditto my sister. Beyond or preference for female formal clothing, who wears pocket watches anymore? I wear an Apple Watch. It will call 911 if I fall and don’t respond to its urgent messaging. Rachel would definitely understand. But man, to destroy that beautiful watch or stick it in some drawer—I couldn’t do it. So I took it to Ecker’s on your recommendation and Edward Compton fixed it! I paid more for that repair than the watch was probably worth, but it made me happy. I gave it to the only person I know who ever dresses in a way that would allow for a gold pocket watch. Wear it in good health, John. And now you know why Rachel won’t wear your watch. Find someone who can and will.

A: This made me smile. Here is a photo of my granddaddy’s gold pocket watch, dating from roughly 1925. It is awfully ornate and curlicued and frou-frou and I hate it. But… it’s not going anywhere except to one of my kids, who will hate it and keep it for their kids, who will hate it but keep it.

Postscript: My grandpa smuggled it into America from Tsarist Russia by putting it up his ass when he arrived in Ellis Island. He never explained why he had put it up his ass, since no one was looking for it or anything, and it wasn’t contraband. (This paragraph was written by Rachel Manteuffel, with apologies to Quentin Tarantino.)

Okay, here we go.

TIMELY TIP: If you’re reading this on an email: Just click on the headline in the email and it will deliver you to the full column online. Keep refreshing the screen to see the new questions and answers that appear as I regularly update the post.

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A good thing to do at this point would be to become a paid subscriber to The Gene Pool if you are not already. It only costs 30 cents a year. (But don’t read the fine print, okay?)

Important note from your proprietors:

There's been a little confusion about what we mean by initialisms and acronyms in our current Week 123 contest to come up with funny new translations for them (deadline this Saturday evening, May 17; see the link at the bottom of today's Invitational results).

As we're using the words, acronyms and initialisms are both abbreviations that, for the most part, stand for the first letters in a name or phrase. An acronym is one that you say like a word (e.g., NASA); an initialism is one you spell out (FBI). Sometimes people will pronounce LOL "loll" or "lahl," and because they're normally only written, we didn't want to restrict any of them.

What ISN'T in this contest is just a short form or a word, like gator for alligator, or, say, Sept.

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Q: As a therapist, i view this substack article about yours and Rachel’s watches as a dichotomy of 2 personalities. Do you and your SO value the same things, are you compatible or did the Accutron expose the inner discrepencies that the article suggests :

A: Holy shit, you are right! What the hell am I doing with this person?

(This answer was written by Rachel Manteuffel.)

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Q: I, like you, love things made to last, just for the marvel of human craftmanship (all too rare today), the quality of the materials. There's an old New Yorker cartoon I have on my refrigerator, a smartphone on the charger next to a rotary dial phone which says "When I was your age we didn't play video games or take photos or locate things -- we just did one thing and we took our sweet time doing it." I don't need a watch to monitor my heart rate or count steps. Just one that keeps time and is elegant. Also I'm slightly paranoid, so fear a "smartwatch" might be sharing its data with some nefarious government agency. -Ellen

A: This is one of the greatest videos EVER. Two 17 year olds try to figure out a rotary phone.

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Q: Gene, you left out one possibility in your poll about the watches. I don't want EITHER the watch or the wart. I took my watch off when I retired 8 years ago, and I have never looked back. I agree: the warts are ugly and intrusive and who knows where the information is going? But I also don't need anything on my wrist. My sister gave me a wart 2 years ago, extolling the virtues of all of the information it would gather. Instead, it gathered only dust and I threw it away.

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A: Uh, okay. No beautiful watches because they are useless.

You know what is also useless? An original Van Gogh or Matisse. Just gather dust on the wall.

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Q: This is Gene. Speaking of today’s contest, Pat and I just recently rediscovered that we had done this contest before. At least for me – Pat is wayy less senile than I am – it came as a giant slap to the forehead, even though the most recent one was three years ago.

This put me on an internet search, which brought me to this column I wrote that I also have literally no recollection of writing. You should read it. It is very short.

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Q: I have never had a cat who lived to be 19. I have a cat who is probably 18 (he was assessed by the vet as "about 3" when he arrived, undocumented, in the summer of 2011). His name is Devek and he is in poor health. I have never owned an Accutron, and the very idea of a watch that sounds like what you wrote makes me want to cry. I mean, I'm sniffling, and there are tears in my eyes.

My grandmother, may she rest in peace, taught me a threefold test for characterization: "Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind?" Your statement may be true, but that is all I can say for it.

— Sharon Neeman

Hey, Sharon. It took me ten minutes to figure out what you are talking about. Please see previous post about senility. You are referring to my description of the sound of the Accutron as that of a dying 19-year-old cat. You are right, that was insensitive. In my only defense, I can truthfully say I do not believe I have ever written anything that was “True, necessary and kind.”

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Q: What other time pieces do you have? I am a geochronologist so I spend a lot of time thinking about time (and measuring it). My best piece is not a wrist watch (I have a Timex that now loses 5-6 minutes per day) but it is a spectacularly beautiful hourglass. I bring it in to the classes I teach to try to explain the concepts of half lives (usually to half wits who can never quite get the concept). But they do appreciate the fact that the sand round out between 59 minutes and 50 seconds to 60 minutes and 10 or so seconds. It depends on how quickly they hit the stop watch function on their cell phone when I flip the hour glass over. In other words, it is a damn accurate hour glass. Hand made by an artisan in Oregon. It is beautiful and I love it. If you don't have an extremely accurate hour glass I think you really need one! Sincerely, Scott

A: Thanks. What I have always wanted to obtain, but cannot afford, is a clepsydra, an ancient water clock.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Water_clock

I do have an hourglass, but it is modern. It works backwards. Bubbles run northward.

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This is Gene. We are down for the day. Reminder, please: