The Invitational Week 122: Colt Fusion

As Derby day nears, we have our winning pun-filled foal names -- and our 'grandfoal' contest

It’s The Invitational’s brand-new foal — named … see the 93 choices below.

Hello. Welcome to the finish line of the 32nd Invitational Derby. As always, we challenged you to “breed” any two names from a list of 100 three-year-old racehorses nominated for this year’s Kentucky Derby and other Triple Crown races . . . and then name the foal. This is among the most ancient and popular and redundant Invitational contests, which we have introduced here for 30 years, always striving for some new way to make it interesting. This year we wish to state here that “foal” is an anagram of “loaf,” something we had not realized before and which we hereby present as something entertaining even if it is lame and pointless. The point is, we’re trying.

But we don’t have to try, it turns out! You’ve made it interesting with your entries. We got more than 1,800 of them, a shocking percentage of which were very good, meaning we had to kill a whole bunch of worthy entries, including yours. That is our message to each and every one of you today: If your entry does not appear below, please understand it was the very last one cut, a decision we made so reluctantly that we considered committed seppuku over having done it. Splendid.

And now, the second race on this year’s card:

For Invitational Week 122: “Breed” any two of today’s inking foal names and give the “grandfoal” a name that reflects both names, just as the foal names do. We even have a nice printable list of this week’s foals right here (or type in tinyurl.com/inv-list-122).

Just as with the Week 120 contest (and in real horse racing), a name may not exceed 18 characters including spaces; those characters may include punctuation and numerals. You may run words together to save space, but the name should be easy to read.

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-122. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form.

Deadline is Saturday, May 10, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, May 15.

The winner gets — continuing our Spring Chicken prize theme — a pair of chicken-foot socks whose soles niftily play on the H&M logo to spell out HEN. Because of tariff changes, these socks are now worth $849.

They were out of hoof socks.

Breed All About It: The foal names of Week 120

We got waaay too many. You are all pun geniuses, even those of you who flunked out of English in 10th grade. There are more 1,800 entries, more than last year. How good were they? The following entries were submitted in such great numbers that they could not qualify for ink on the basis of simple redundancy:

Garamond x A.P. Kid = Font of Knowledge

River Thames x Handsome Pants = London Britches

Barnes x Voldemort = Barnes Ignoble

But now, the winners:

Third runner-up:
Breed Rodriguez with Ripped and name the foal Roidriguez (Gregory Koch, Falls Church, Va.)

Second runner-up:
What Me Worry x Be Real = Alfred E. Human (Stephen Gilberg, Silver Spring, Md.)

First runner-up:
Captain Cook x Rank = Captain, Obviously (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

And the winner of the lamp in the shape of a chicken who’s laying a lightbulb egg:
Olive Green x Citizen Bull = Oyl of Olé (Laurie Brink, Mineola, N.Y.)

As always, if you think the best among today’s inking entries were unjustly buried in the honorable mentions, shout out your favorites in the comments.

Off-Track Begetting: Honorable mentions

A.P. Kid x Exuberant Mischief = Essay Tease (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

A.P. Kid x Test Score = Long Time No C (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

A.P. Kid x Rank = P.U. Kid (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.)

A.P. Kid x Optical = Star Pupil (Mia Wyatt, Ellicott City, Md.)

A.P. Kid x Studly Doright = Study Doright (Mary McNamara, Washington, D.C.)

A.P. Kid x Voldemort = The Dork Lord (Mary McNamara)

American Promise x Donut God = Manifest Density (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

Be Real x Flood Zone = You’re Delugional (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

Big Boat x Capitol Hill = YachtaYachtaYachta (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines, Iowa; Malcolm Fleschner, Palo Alto, Calif.)

Big Boat x Getaway Car = Can’t Ketch Me (Laurie Brink)

Capitol Hill x Citizen Bull = Point of Ordure (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio, Tex.)

Capitol Hill x Contribution = Capital Hill (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)

Chunk of Gold x Rapture = Oregasm (Jeff Contompasis)

Cipher x Last Man Standing = Code Duello (Perry Beider, Silver Spring, Md.)

Citizen Bull x Naughty Rascal = Beef Strokin’ Off (Jeff Contompasis)

Contribution x Exuberant Mischief = Go Fun Me (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Crab Daddy x Donut God = Carb Daddy (Neil Kurland)

Crab Daddy x Mistress = The Liceman Cometh (Chuck Helwig, Centreville, Va.)

Cut the Dust x Be Real = Cut the Crap (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

Cut the Dust x Big Boat = OreckOfTheHesperus (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.)

Dear Chairman x California Burrito = Maothful (Mike Hammer, Arlington, Va.)

Donut God x Flying Mohawk = Beignet & the Jet (Mary McNamara)

Donut God x Contribution = Holey Chit (Frank Osen)

Donut God x Kick It In = Cruller Than Death (Bernard Brink, Cleveland, Mo.)

Donut God x Makes Sense = Glazed Unconfused (Hildy Zampella, Sarasota, Fla.)

Flood Zone x No Escape = Water We Gonna Do? (Lee Graham)

Flying Mohawk x Coal Battle = I Pity the Fuel (Tim Watts, Athens, Ala.)

Garamond x Innovator = New Serif in Town (Andrew Rosenberg, Brooklyn, N.Y.)

Guns Loaded x California Burrito = Gangsta Wrap (Jonathan Paul; Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Hands of Time x Maitre D = Won’t Wait for You (Frank Osen)

Hands of Time x Only in America = From Don to Musk (Elizabeth Kline, Frederick, Md.)

Icemaker x Only in America = Great Deportations (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.)

Itsmybirthday x Garamond = Baptismal Font (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)

Journalism x Aftermath = The 1/4th Estate (Jon Gearhart)

Keep It Easy x Touchy = Make It Hard (Michael Rosen, New York)

Last Man Standing x Chunk of Gold = Survivor Gilt (Hildy Zampella)

Last Man Standing x Passion Rules = Lust Man Standing (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.)

Lionel x Cut the Dust = Messy (Jeff Rackow, Bethesda, Md.; Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)

Lionel x Grande = Messi Beaucoup (Andrew Rosenberg)

Lionel x Mistress = HO (Marc Leibert, Travis AFB, Calif.)

Lured Away x Sandman = Kid Napped (Mia Wyatt)

Luxor Cafe x Necessity = Mummy of Invention (Jeff Hazle)

Luxor Cafe x Cipher = WalkLikeEncryption (Chuck Helwig)

Luxor Cafe x Crab Daddy = Fish and Cheops (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.)

Maitre D x Chunk of Gold = Maitre A-Plus (Stephen Dudzik)

Mellencamp x Mistress = John’s Cougar (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.)

Mellencamp x Chunk of Gold = Cougar-rand (Dave Zarrow, Skokie, Ill.)

Mistress x Studly Doright = Mountee (Jonathan Paul)

Mistress x Legitimate = Mrs. (Ben Aronin, Washington, D.C.)

Mistress x Legitimate = Illegit Mate (Steve Langer, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Naughty Rascal x Necessity = Sinner Qua Non (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Olive Green x Big Boat = Oil Aboard! (David Peckarsky, Tucson, Ariz.)

Olive Green x Big Boat = Spinach Armada (Duncan Stevens)

Optical x Mistress = Optometryst (Jeff Shirley)

Optical x Test Score = EyeQ (Rob Wolf, Gaithersburg, Md.)

Passion Rules x Coal Battle = Carbon Dating (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

Patch Adams x Naughty Rascal = Robbin’ Williams (Eric Nelkin)

Patch Adams x Handsome Pants = Throbbin’ Williams (Brian Cohen, Winston-Salem, N.C.)

Poster x Adventurist = Billboard Baggins (Frank Osen)

Power From Above x Admire Daytona = Sects on the Beach (Tim Watts)

Power From Above x Handsome Pants = Lord & Tailored (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

Power From Above x Handsome Pants = Solar Flair (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.; Steve Langer)

Power From Above x Passion Rules = Deus Sex Machina (Michael Porcello, Washington, D.C.; Jonathan Paul)

Publisher x Guns Loaded = Simon & Shoots Her (Laura Clairmont, Venice, Fla.; Mary McNamara)

Rank x A.P. Kid = Stinky & the Brain (Perry Beider)

Rank x Guns Loaded= No.1 With a Bullet (Hildy Zampella)

Rapture x Be Real = Raptcha (Judy Freed)

Render Judgment x Chunk of Gold = Gilty (Pamela Love, Columbia, Md.; Jonathan Paul)

Render Judgment x Garamond = Not My Type (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.)

River Thames x Icemaker = London Fridge (Paul Madigan; Jeff Hazle)

Rothko x Lionel = Mark Train (Steve Price, New York; Mike Hammer)

Scarecrow x Keep It Easy: No-Brainer (Jesse Frankovich; Andrew Rosenberg)

Scarecrow x Built = If I Only HadABra (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Scorching x Donut God = Fire in the Hole (Bernard Brink)

Scorching x Flying Mohawk = Smoker’s Coif (Tim Watts)

Sock It to Me x Cut the Dust = Mike Dyson (Mia Wyatt)

Sock It to Me x Power From Above = Socket to Me (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Sock It to Me x He’s Not Joking = Stop Laugh-In (Kevin Dopart, Naxos, Greece)

Studly Doright x Naughty Rascal = The Full Mountie (Jonathan Paul)

Studly Doright x The Last Straw = Brokeback Mountie (Jonathan Paul)

Tiztastic x Built = Titztastic (Frank Osen)

Touchy x Clever Again = Touché (Mark Raffman)

Tux x Exuberant Mischief = Yux (Duncan Stevens)

Voldemort x Donut God = The Dark Lard (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.; Gregory Koch)

What Me Worry x Only In America = Of Course Me Worry (Frank Osen)

What Me Worry x Journalism = Alfred E. Newsman (Mark Raffman)

What Me Worry x Passion Rules = Usual Gang of Ids (Jonathan Paul)

And Last: Neoequos x Clever Again = AndNow,Grandfoals! (Laurie Brink)

The headline “Breed All About It” is by Laura Clairmont; Kevin Dopart wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running — deadline Sunday, May 4, at 9 p.m. ET: Our contest for songs about topics in the news. Click on the link below for the details.

The Invitational Week 121: It's Parody Time

Now we seamlessly segue into the Real-Time portion of The Gene Pool, where Gene answers your questions and observations in real time. Many of today’s Q’s and A’s are based on Gene’s Weekend Gene Pool request for stories about a time you got back at somebody in a funny or fascinating way — and / or the attendant poll about whether Donald Trump is (objectively) good looking for a 78-year-old man — and / or the attendant issue of my trying to lose weight in an effort to defeat Donald Trump.

Meanwhile, tou might choose to support us with a paid subscription. You might not if you, like Donald Trump, are deeply cruel and unusual. This decision is up to you

Yes, I have lost weight. More on this later.

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Q: After recovering from a heart attack last year, I wound up losing five pounds. Six months on from that episode -- no gain but no further loss despite exercise and meds. So, based on demonstrated cause and effect (Follow The Science!), I'm thinking the quickest way to get down to my target weight would be a few more heart attacks... but I can't find any clear medical guidance on this path. You'd think RFK Jr would be right on top of this kind of critical research but I guess that recent measles stuff must be a distraction. – Dave M.

A: This made me laugh out loud. Sorry. A nonlethal bout of prostate cancer would also work. I love this chat.

TIMELY TIP: If you’re reading this on an email: Just click on the headline in the email and it will deliver you to the full column online. Keep refreshing the screen to see the new questions and answers that appear as I regularly update the post.

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Q: Do you know about stickk.com? You set a goal, such as 1LB per week, report weekly, and if you miss in a week, you pay an amount you determine, (min $5), to a charity you don’t wish to fund, such as the Trump campaign. I was successful when I tried it for many weeks, then got busy and had to pay 6 weeks of penalties to the GWB campaign.

A: This is completely brilliant. I think I would go for a right to life group. Or an anti-vaxx group. Or both. I could manage $10 a week.

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Q: DON'T EVEN TRY to become unfat.

It's not going to help end Trump's reign.

What it will do, if you succeed, is show the benefit of concentrating on chronic health problems, like RFK, Jr. wants us to.

That will be taken in the MAGA media as being a tacit endorsement of the other part of RFK's plan as well: deemphasizing infectious diseases and vaccinations for them.

You don't want to do that, do you? — Ken.

A: Ken, this is very bizarre reasoning. I want to do it so I have the strength, if I ever got to meet Trump, which I’d probably have a greater opportunity of doing than you would, to effectively kick him in the balls

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Q: I'm neutral on caviar but like smoked oysters. Am I still a wimp?

A: Yes. smoked oysters are revolting. You have no sense of taste whatsoever. Fresh oysters are the only form of oysters worth eating. Oysters Rockefeller, with spinach, are an abomination.

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Q: Regarding your recent challenge for how to get back at someon:

A long, long time ago, before credit card readers at the pumps, before pay as you go pumps, gas pumps just worked. You put in let’s say $20 in gas (this was a very very long time ago…) and then you went up to the window and told the guy “Pump 8!” and he looked it up and said “20 dollars!”, you paid him, and then you left. America was far more trusting then. So the head of the accounting department where I worked (Johnny) stopped to get gas one morning before work. By the time he had paid, turned around to go back to his car, he realized something was amiss and finally it dawned on him that whilst paying for his gas, his car (with the keys safely ensconced in the car) had been stolen. The police found it later up on blocks. Johnny was unhappy, as he had just purchased new tires for his jalopy. So naturally I suggested that after he leaves work, we should put his office chair up on blocks (which we did). The look on his face the following morning was priceless, as well as the string of obscenities streaming simultaneously from his mouth. A grand time was had by all, well except for Johnny.

A: Thank you. I know a woman who, when in college, got back at another woman in her dorm who was infamous for stealing food from the communal refrigerator. No one knew who it was, but there Was a Thief. My friend trapped her by baking brownies with Ex-Lax, and leaving them in the refrigerator with a note: From my grammy. Please do not eat.”

Everyone in the dorm knew who the culprit was. For two days.

Note: I do not recommend this.

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Q: Excellent column (team of slimeballs) but unfair to Lincoln. I don't think an "indecisive wimp" would say "I am naturally anti-slavery. If slavery is not wrong, nothing is wrong. I cannot remember when I did not so think and feel." He made scads of comments like that.

A: Abe Lincoln has no greater admirer than me. but… he was a politician, by necessity. He once said it was laughable that any white man might be interested in marrying a black woman.

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Q: Getting back at someone: Back in the ‘70s, I learned my live-in boyfriend was unfaithful. In turn, I kicked him out and he moved back into his parents’ house. Instead of letting him pick up his clothes and belongings, I offered to deliver them myself. I grabbed 2 big black trash bags, stuffed his stuff in both, topped off with the contents of my cat’s litterbox and my garbage can. Called a cab and sent the bags COD to his mother. — Elizabeth

A: Well this made me laff. You sent me your last name as well, but I chose not to use it. You are welcome.

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Q: For the first time after 55 years of no contact, my ex wished me a happy birthday a few weeks ago on our high school class’s Facebook group. So now I’m thinking “ makeup sex.”

A; Okay, this also made me laff. You are such a Guy.

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Q: My brother T is ten years younger than I am and we have always been pretty close. Ten years is close enough in age to be left alone together a lot, me nominally babysitting. We had a lot of goofy in-jokes, one of which was "your face." As in, is your face okay? Yeah? Well it's killing me. Anytime either of us said "ouch" or "oh no!" or looked upset, "what's wrong? Oh? It's not your face?" These jokes are dumb and they got old, obviously, but we couldn't just stop.

Our oldest brother died T's freshman year of high school, so imagine all the difficulties of adolescence with that on top. When he got into the mildest, most manageable amount of trouble in high school, our parents wanted to crack down hard on him to teach some kind of lesson, but I insisted he come stay with me, get a GED instead of repeating all of senior year to make up one term paper, and work and play and learn to drive and all manner of things an 18-year-old should be able to do. The plan succeeded and within a couple of years he was thriving in college.

He called me on New Year's Eve his second or third year of school at midnight his time, but the battery in his phone was dead. He woke me up, and immediately disconnected. Twice he charged the phone for a few minutes and called back, and twice more he woke me up and disconnected. Argh!

The next day, in the middle of the afternoon, he called again sheepish and hung over. He said, "I'm sorry--my phone just really wanted to die."

I said, "I would, too, if I were that close to YOUR FACE!"

— Elizardbeth

A: Thank you, Elizsrdbeth. We are ending with this because it is so horrible and wonderful, as so much humor is.

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