The Invitational Week 117: Join Our Secret Text Group!

'Reveal' to us some more chat from the Signal app bozos. Plus lots of risque business with double-entendres.

Hello.

Welcome to the New and Imporved Invitational, in which we bounce right off the news with our newfound catlike speed and grace.

We got the idea for this week’s contest by reading the excellent Substack newsletter I Might Be Wrong, by Jeff Maurer, a former staff writer for John Oliver’s Last Week Tonight. In his piece, Jeff claimed that, like the editor of The Atlantic, he, too, had been invited onto the now infamous leaked eyes-only chat group for top Trump regime intelligence officials reporting on war plans against the Houthis. Then Jeff made up a whole bunch of dialogue that he claimed to have seen.

That’s what you get to do this week. For Invitational Week 117: Reveal some more dialogue from the “Houthi PC small group.” Consider, especially, what peccadilloes the individuals might bring to the table. Your potential cast of characters includes those people on the original chat, including Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth, Secretary of State Marco Rubio, Vice President JD Vance, Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard, and National Security Adviser Michael Waltz, plus anyone else you might want to bring aboard who was also allegedly inadvertently invited. (For example, Maurer has Jeffrey Toobin pop up, as it were.)

Here’s an elongated snippet from Maurer’s piece:

And here are a couple of short ones we wrote (and along the lines of what we’re thinking of for this contest):

WALTZ: Is State prepped for the spin cycles on this, Marco?
GABBARD: Polo!
VANCE: Po… Damn, Tulsi.

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HEGSETH: The time is 12:13. Bombs away. We’re gonna nail us some hotties, dadgummit. 🤪🔥
GABBARD: Houthis.
HEGSETH: You say it your way, I’ll say it mine.

Length: We’re not setting a limit, but longer entries have to be especially funny, worth the time and space.

No need to include art, logos, etc. Just text is fine. Emoji won’t transmit on our entry form, but you could indicate them with words and we’d try to create them on this end (we copied out the U.S. flag emoji and it came out as the letters “US,” though the ones above were fine).

Formatting your entries: Just type them as you’d like to see them published; don’t follow our usual request to type each entry on a single line. If you’re sending more than one entry, please separate them clearly in some way.

Deadline is Saturday, April 5, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, April 10. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form.

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyurl.com/inv-form-117.

This week’s winner gets a special combination of our favorite prizes: stupid toys and ridiculous earrings! They actually wind up, chatter, and walk around (removing them from one’s ears is advised for that third function).

Wondering how to accessorize that spring ensemble for Easter Mass or a Seder? Always use the right jewelry.

Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

But first, an announcement

We have a milestone to announce today. We do this on those rare occasions when a longtime Invitational competitor — a Loser, in our affectionate patois — achieves his or her 500th blot of ink and thus enters The Invitational Hall of Fame. Usually, we accompany this announcement with a recap of the Loser’s first inking entry, most memorable entries, and so forth. Today will be a little different, because our winning Loser is a little different.

Today, Jon Gearhart, of Des Moines, Iowa, one of the most gifted and inventive and downright hilarious Losers of all time, gets his 500th ink, but he is going to tell his own story in response to the one and only question we asked him: How do you write your entries?

Not how do you think them up or how do you craft them to be so perfect? but ... How do you write them?

Take it away, Jon.

“When I was in rehab following the car accident in 1996 that left me a quadriplegic with limited use of my hands, I got a device called a Wanchik Writer, now discontinued. I had it for a while, but the flimsy thing eventually broke. I came up with my own alternative.

“My mom had a bag of clothespins that she bought in the ’60s and she carted around the country as we moved. I clipped a clothespin to a pen …

… and I found I could palm it so the top end sits between my index and second finger and the clothespin sits against my hand.

That way when I push on the keys with the stylus tip, the pressure pushes the clothespin against my palm and I don’t simply push the pen further and further between my fingers, eventually dropping it or readjusting it.

“I once took an online typing test. My highest score was 30 words per minute. That was me typing at maximum speed for a few minutes, something that quickly tired me out. Typing at my normal pace, I type around 15-20 words per minute and I do that all day, every day. When I’m in bed, I have a touchscreen laptop that I use to keep me from going nuts waiting on helpers to get me up in the morning.”

Thanks, Jon. And welcome to Exalted Loserdom.

(Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) in a selfie.

Bawdy Doubles: The double-entendres from Week 115

In Invitational Week 115 we presented a list of situations — including the evergreen “in bed” — and asked you to tell us some things that might be said in two or more of them. “At a rodeo” plus just about everywhere else yielded jokes about “bullshit.”

Third runner-up:
Things one could say both at a rodeo and in Congress: “A lot can go wrong when you give this much responsibility to a bunch of clowns.” (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Second runner-up:
In the Oval Office and in bed: “Just think — only 44 other men have occupied this space.” (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

First runner-up:
At a football game and while dancing, and on the toilet, and in bed: “It’s time to try the Tush Push!” (Jeff Rackow, Bethesda, Md.; Dan Helming, Conshohocken, Pa.)

And the winner of the socks that look like feet in flip-flops:
While listening to the radio and in Congress: “We don’t need no education …” (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

And as always, the Gene Pool Gene Poll:

As always, if you think the best among today’s inking entries were unjustly buried in the honorable mentions, shout out your favorites in the comments.

Two Bad: Honorable mentions

In Congress and at the beach: “To get the job done, you're gonna need a bigger shovel.” (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

At a child’s music recital and in the Oval Office: “Psst, just smile and tell him he did a great job.” (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

At a child’s music recital and at the beach: “I could feel the spray from twenty feet away!” (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

At a rodeo and in bed: One o’ these days I’m gonna last eight seconds. (Tom Witte; Andy Bassett, New Plymouth, New Zealand)

While walking the dog and in Congress: “So now you’re not even gonna try to keep him on a leash?” (Judy Freed)

On the toilet and in bed: “I’ll be out in just a second!” (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

At a football game and in bed: “We can pass on the Trojans, right?” (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

While driving and in bed: “Brace yourself for a speed hump.” (Chris Doyle)

At a football game and in bed: “I think you need a head coach.” (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

In Congress and on the toilet: “I’ll feel better once it makes its way through the lower chamber.” (Steve Smith)

At a child’s music recital and in bed: “I’m proud of you! For a beginner, it’s surprisingly hard.” (Judy Freed)

At a child’s music recital and in bed: “Wow, someone’s been practicing!” (Tom Witte)

At a child’s music recital and in the Oval Office: “Uh-oh, is that a recorder over there?” (Larry Rifkin, Glastonbury, Conn.)

At a football game and in bed: “Should we go for two?” (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.; Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

At a football game and in Congress: “Those concessions made me sick.” (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

At a football game and in Congress and on the toilet: “I can’t believe how little we’re passing.” (Chris Doyle)

On the toilet and in the Oval Office: “I love spending time on the throne.” (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

At a football game and in the Oval Office: “It was a perfect call.” (Jesse Frankovich; Chris Doyle; Kevin Dopart)

At a football game and on the toilet: “Looks like the bowl’s going to be filled to capacity today.” (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

At a rodeo and in Congress: “That’s the second rider killed this week.” (Kevin Dopart)

At the beach and in the Oval Office: “You’re not wearing a suit? What were you thinking?!” (Jesse Frankovich; Judy Freed; Andy Bassett)

At a child’s music recital and in bed: “ Well, the important thing is you did your best.” (Frank Osen)

In bed and in Canada: “Nope, I’m not going down south anymore.” (Jeff Contompasis)

In bed and in Congress: “Please stop rolling over!” (Rob Cohen)

In bed and in the Oval Office: “We’re going to have to sanitize that later.” (Jeff Contompasis)

In Canada and in Congress: “How did all these loonies end up on the floor?” (Steve Smith)

In Congress and while listening to the radio: “It sounds like you need to replace that speaker.” (Chris Doyle; Jonathan Jensen; Kevin Dopart)

In Congress and at the beach: “They can be uncomfortable, but you’ll get used to flip-flops.” (Kevin Dopart)

In the Oval Office and while eating potatoes: “I said I wanted them whipped!” (Jeff Contompasis)

At a child’s music recital and in the Oval Office: “Maybe we shouldn’t take pictures while the kid has a finger up his nose.” (Judy Freed)

While dancing and in Congress: “To the right, to the right, to the right, to the right!” (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

While driving and in bed: “Why does everyone feel compelled to ride my ass?” (Steve Smith)

While driving and in bed: “No, I don’t need you to draw me a map. I’ll find it.” (Judy Freed)

While eating potatoes and at a child’s music recital: “Ugh, I’ve had enough of these tots.” (Jesse Frankovich)

While eating potatoes and in bed: “It wouldn’t be so dry if you took more time heating it up.” (Judy Freed)

While listening to the radio and in the Oval Office: Enough with the car commercials already! (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.)

At a child’s music recital, on the toilet, and in bed: “Wow, it’s longer than I’d expected.” (Leslie Franson, Ellicott City, Md.)

While listening to the radio, in Canada, at the beach, and in bed: "Woohoo! Barenaked Ladies!" (Jesse Frankovich)

The headline “Bawdy Doubles” is by Jesse Frankovich; both Jesse and Kevin Dopart submitted the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running — deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, March 29: Our Week 116 contest for funny art made out of real food. Click on the link for details.

The Invitational Week 116: Throw Food at Us

We now begin the real-time Questions and Observations segment of the Gene Pool, where Gene responds to your questions and observations in real time. Please send in your Q’s and O’s here. Many of today’s questions refer to Gene’s recent trips to Capetown and Istanbul:

Q: How is your dog? We need to know.

A: This is in reference to “We Severed Our Dog,” the Gene Pool I wrote after returning from a two-week vacation overseas.

Lexi is doing great. She is far more polite on walks, but after a period of shellshock and existential confusion – who am I? What is my role in life? – she is back, undeterred as an exuberant, joyful asshole, which is her birthright. I got substantial blowback from readers about having agreed to shock-collar training, which is understandable. I should elaborate

“Shock collar” is not exactly a misnomer. It does deliver a shock, but the term sounds way worse than it is. (It’s like the medical condition “epistaxis,” which just means “nosebleed.” Or “sternutation,” which means sneezing. Or my favorite, “ecchymosis,” which means a black and blue mark.) The shock, which Rachel and I both experienced directly to our necks without the benefit of fur padding, does not deliver pain. It delivers more of a message like, “Oh, that just happened again. It means I have to think about what I am doing.” The best example I can come up with is that it is the equivalent of a loud click near your ear.

Still, we are phasing it out. At this stage, the positive reinforcement of hot dog morsels seems to work almost as well. Lexi is not a more sedate dog, now. She is just more in control of herself.

Here she is today, once again dubiously confronting The Other Dog in the house:

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TIMELY TIP: If you’re reading this on an email: Just click on the headline in the email and it will deliver you to the full column online. Keep refreshing the screen to see the new questions and answers that appear as I regularly update the post.

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And finally, before we go live, please don’t let us go dead. We need intensified reader support. If you are financially and temperamentally able, please consider upgrading your subscription to “paid.” It is $5 a month or $50 a year. We’d appreciate it. Also, it will allow you to Comment.

Q: Hi, Gene! Long-ago WaPo copy aide-then-photo researcher here. In Istanbul, I hope you went to the ancient Roman-built Basilica Cistern, far underneath the hectic cobbled streets near the Grand Bazaar— please make time to visit! Wandering around down there among countless columns disappearing into the distance was one of the most remarkable experiences of my life. – Lyle

A: We were there! Extraordinary. An enormous underground chamber – it is two and a half acres huge, with vastly high ceilings supported by Corinthian columns. Here’s a photo we took.

It’s part of an aqueduct system. It was built in the 6th century by Byzantine emperor Justinian I, not the Romans. It was genius engineering, designed as a collecting point for fresh water piped to the city from outlying, cleaner, rural areas.

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Q: Gene: I have been reading you and delighting in your work since you moved to the Post, and I would be positively thrilled to fling subscription dollars at you...if I were not compelled to, in the process, fling money at Substack and the openly Nazi-enthusiast creeps who are platformed and monetized by Substack. Any possibility of your moving to Ghost or some other platform?

A: No. Please read this. Read it to the end.

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Q: About that Turkish word you mentioned, en boktan, which means “shittiest”: ... when my brother was working in the Netherlands, they had bock beer, a seasonal brew, which everyone looked forward to. That is, except for his Turkish colleague, who couldn't bring himself to try it.

In a similar vein, there is a juice bar here in Seattle named Jamba Juice. A colleague of mine who had worked in Africa for several years informed me that he avoided it because of the unappealing name. In Swahili, "jamba" is the word for" fart." – Stuart Anderson

A: I checked. You are right! And, oddly, “jambo” just means hello.

Q: As to the eye color question, I’ve been married to the same woman for over forty years, and I could not tell you what color her eyes are.

Notice that I did not put my name on this.

A: I noticed!

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Q: Grammar question for the Empress (and Gene if he wants to chime in) - do you put a comma after the word "Suddenly" to begin a sentence? In other words, do you write "Suddenly, a bomb exploded" or "Suddenly a bomb exploded"? I always was taught to put a comma after it, but I've heard it said by a professional science fiction author that he doesn't do so in his novels, because he feels the pause created by the comma negates the effect of "Suddenly". What say you?

A: I’m putting this out there for her highness. I have thoughts, but mine are less authoritative.

Q: In your considered opinion, if a reporter for the Washington Post had been the one added to the infamous Signal conversation, would they have published this story?

– Sean Clinchy

A: Absolutely, under Philip Graham, Katharine Graham, Donald Graham, Leonard Downie, Marty Baron, Ben Bradlee. Under current management, I am not at all sure. The editors and reporters sure would be behind it.

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Q: If you found yourself participating in a group chat credibly discussing classified war plans, would you stay on or drop off? –

A: So long as I was on there through somebody else’s error, and not my own error or my own chicanery, I would stay on.

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Q: Can you help me with my crusade to get Donald Trump to accentuate the positives when he blasts DEI (Diversity, Equality, Inclusion) If he doesn’t believe in DEI in any of the many forms it takes than almost by definition he must believe in UIE (Uniformity, Inequality and Exclusion). Those seeking to defend DEI from Trump’s effort to destroy it should focus on wha Trump is for and bit in what he is against. They should define the issue as support or opposition to UIE. You, with your platform, can help redefine what is in dispute. – Rick

A: Done.

Q: Hi Gene, I have a question regarding Ruth Marcus’s killed column. She submitted it to the Post, which didn’t run it, but she included it in an article she wrote for the New Yorker. If the paper doesn’t run your column, does “ownership” revert to the author? I’m glad she included it, but could the Post come back and say it was their property since she was still employed by them when she wrote it?

A: Interesting question. I think you could make that argument, but it would be moot. The paper chose not to run it. The writer no longer works for them. No newspaper – not even the Post under current crappy management – would be dumb enough to try to stop her. It would look awful. And would “leak” anyway.

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Q: Baby Boomers....the generation of Sex, Drugs and Rock-and-Roll have produced four presidents: Clinton, W, Obama and Trump. Boomers once thought of themselves as original, radical, status quo disrupting, troublemakers hell-bent on overturning the entrenched corruption of The Establishment. Which of our four Presidents do you think will be remembered as being actually transformative and historically important? If any.

A; Trump and Obama, obviously in opposite ways.

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Q: As a recovering hypochondriac, what would you be worried about if you had Drumpf's symptoms? The dragging foot, the bruised hand, the leaning posture, the inability to make a real thumb's up, the voice that sounds like there's a marble in his mouth, the loose skin, the straw-like hair, the trailing thoughts, the increasing lack of detail when he speaks and repeated use of certain phrases, etc.

A: I would conclude that I was becoming Trump, and probably off myself.

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Q: This is Pat the Perfect (Gene's term for me for when he used to have me answer grammar-type questions in his chat many years ago) weighing in on Sean's question about whether you need a comma when beginning a question with "Suddenly":

In a word, no. My general rule (and this also appears in some style guides) is that when an introductory phrase is just one word or just a few short ones, you don't need a comma unless you want the reader to pause at that point for dramatic effect. Your best guide is to listen to the sentence in your head: If you were saying it out loud, would you pause? Often you want to slide smoothly into the subject and verb of the sentence, the real meat of it. (See how I didn't need the comma after "often"?

A: Tragically, I violate this advice all the time. Pat is right, obviously.

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Q: Whine all you want about cramped conditions on a Boeing 787. You have never experienced the sheer terror of flying on a Russian-made, Chinese-operated Tupelov Tu-154. NATO designated this aircraft “Careless” with good reason.

In 1996, my wife and I were flying China Northern Airline (they’re all state-run) from Beijing to Xi’an. We were going to see the Terra Cotta Warrior Army which is the single funniest thing to hear a Bostonian say. The plane had no AC unless it was in flight. The overhead bins were cargo nets which did not contain bags well. The cabin noise made talking difficult.

The landing was hard, but the landing gear was specifically designed for poorly maintained runways. We had to exit to the tarmac and walk to a shuttle bus to get to the terminal. As we were exiting the aircraft, a member of the ground crew started refueling the plane WHILE SMOKING. I felt lucky to survive.

A: Superior. See the next one.

Q: I was at the Lima, Peru airport in 1989, waiting for my flight to Iquitos. The plane I was getting on was visible through the terminal window (why, oh why is it called a “terminal”?!). I swear on my life it was a pot-bellied Fokker that looked vintage 1944. I noticed that maintenance people were hovering by the plane, talking to each other, and occasionally pointing up at one of the wings. Not great. The pilots eventually walked onto the tarmac, conversed with the maintenance guys, did a circuit around the wing, gestured at it several times, and eventually decided to get into the cockpit. The airline started boarding the passengers. By that time, I felt sheer terror, but had no idea what I would do if I missed the damn plane, so on I went.

I don’t think I have ever prayed so hard in my life. It felt like flying in an ostrich, and was about the same shape, too. After an interminable hour or so, we were on the ground in Iquitos. Being seated near the rear door, which they opened, I was among the first off the blasted thing. As our pilots were debarking at the front exit, another pilot came running out of the terminal, smiled broadly, gesticulated up at the wing, and ecstatically shook hands with both our pilots in congratulation! – Carol Warren

A: Okay, this is hilarious.

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Q: I think I know why Trump wants Greenland: He thinks the Mercator projection is accurate and Greenland really is that big. – Sheila

A: The pathetic part is, this could be true. Anyone who thinks Frederick Douglass is still alive might think anything.

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Okay, I am calling us down.

Please keep sending in Questions and Observations. Send them here:

See you soon. And thanks.