54 Comments
User's avatar
Sasquatch's avatar

"Chimp bands may have humanlike culture, report finds

‘They’re usually an hour late for their gigs, and half of them are stoned,’ agent confides "

And if you give them a hard time, they throw their shit at you.

Sally Booher's avatar

Americans are so stupid they reelected a man that is the brunt of all jokes but can be deadly. I doubt that will fly so I won’t enter that.

Not Simple, Ever's avatar

The shooter was amateur because he otherwise would have policed his brass.

Dale of Green Gables's avatar

Think leaving his brass might actually be the exclamation point. Together the words on the shell casings are the title of a book "Delay, Deny, Defend: Why Insurance Companies Don't Pay Claims and What You Can Do About It."

Connie Akers's avatar

So many good entries this week! I especially liked the chimp band, why Eric is not in the cabinet, 800 mice, and Bark Social.

Helena Handbasket's avatar

I get annoyed every time I read "The headline [whatever] was submitted by [whomever]; [somebody] wrote the honorable-mentions subhead." Since you remind us what the headline is, why don't you do the same with the subhead? Why do we have to scroll back to see it?

J.T.'s avatar

Santa in Wayne wins for me.

J.T.'s avatar

I am irritated daily by how popular astrology is with Millennials and younger. Some say it's because religion is on the wane, but why do we need any flavor of mystical bullshit? They take it reaaaaaallly seriously.

Dale of Green Gables's avatar

With respect to that hypothetical situation with Soto up in the "golden at bat" scenario. No tactical situation at all, as I see it. He walks, the designated pinch runner (yet to be instituted) takes his place, he then hits in his normal spot next. Who wouldn't want to see Soto hit twice in a row. Except the Yankees next season, I'm betting.

Sasquatch's avatar

Because the Golden At-Bat would be a one-off, would the pinch runner be available for substitution later in the game?

Dale of Green Gables's avatar

Supposedly yes, both could re-enter the game under the proposed designated pinch runner rule. The rule was tested elsewhere in 2023 but has not been instituted by MLB yet as far as I know.

Terri Smith's avatar

Gary Crockett must have been in a “duh” mood, I liked his eat less, voting booths and strong economy blinding glimpses of the obvious.

Dale of Green Gables's avatar

For those whose entries this week were met with mere titters and not prize-winning guffaws in judges' chambers, I'm giving you another chance for some shabby notoriety. Here are several headlines that beg you to differ. I may even award the feverishly sought-after, but rarely awarded, DOGG prize, similar in value to those special Oscars handed out to people who simply have been able to hang around Hollywood long enough.

"Family Spends Over $4,500 on Lavish Funeral for Faithful SUV"

"Wisconsin 10-year-old calls 911 for help with math homework"

"Police Warn Public of Surge in 'Jugging'"

"Dangerous new sex trend is sweeping college campuses"

Sam Mertens (he/him)'s avatar

The problem with those headlines is they have too much humor already in them. How are you supposed to top the one about the SUV?

Dale of Green Gables's avatar

Of course. That's why you should look at them as the Super Bowl or World Series of Invitationaldom rather than the playoffs. I'd offer my takes but that might engender a royal frown, and you never want to engender a royal frown. Okay, maybe the one for what I hope is just a royal moue and not a full frown.

"Police Warn Public of Surge in 'Jugging'"*

Women Accomplices Flaunt Breasts as Distraction at ATMs

*(Usu.) A type of robbery where criminals follow people who appear to have large amounts of cash after leaving a bank, ATM, or credit union.

AllisonL's avatar

Oh my word, I laughed so hard at "’Why are we in this river?’ family asks"

Funniest invitational yet - so many excellent entries!

Not Simple, Ever's avatar

I can’t get traction,but I suggest that we “party like it’s 2020” with our best TPP, gas masks, scrubs, hair nets. 2020 tunes.

Dale of Green Gables's avatar

Metaphysical question of the day. Is it art if it's been displayed the wrong way round? A number of works by famous artists had been displayed upside-down for years, among them Mondrian, Van Gogh, Gauguin, Matisse and Rothko.

Gene Weingarten's avatar

How do you hang a Van Gogh upside down and not know it?

Dale of Green Gables's avatar

van Gogh's "Long Grass and Butterflies" was accidentally hung upside down at the National Gallery in London in 1965 until a 15-year-old visitor alerted staff. Apparently it was hung the wrong way round for a short period of time. The link below is to the correct display.

https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/8/81/Van_Gogh_-_Wiese_im_Garten_des_Hospitals_Saint-Paul.jpeg

Dale of Green Gables's avatar

The guy in Q&A who hoped to become a foundling for his 100 bucks has nothing on me. I forked over the big bucks assuming a fondling membership included more than snappy patter. Much more. Needless to say, I've been very disappointed.

Gregory Dunn's avatar

Style points for pointing the toes while extending the back leg. My gymnast daughter would approve.

Gary E Masters's avatar

And one of the best photographs.