The Invitational Week 101: A So-So Contest

Give us jokes that are so [something] that [something] ... . Plus winning misreadings of headlines.

A dinosaur coprolite: fossilized poop. See today’s Invitational winner.

Hello. We last delivered this contest to you nearly eight years ago, at a time of grave national crisis. The United States had just elected a boor and buffoon as its president and his term had just begun! We asked you to complete the classic exaggerated joke form of “[it’s] so [something] that [something.]” The subject matter was up to you, but the vast majority of you chose the new president to lampoon.

Good thing we’re all past that.

Here are some of the winners from that last contest in March 2017:

The Trump White House is so brazen, it’s offering foreign donors a night in the Putin Bedroom. (Duncan Stevens)

The crowd was so huge at Trump’s inauguration that the Park Police considered setting up a second Porta-John. (Hildy Zampella)

President Trump’s skin tone is so unusual, nothing rhymes with it. (Jesse Frankovich)

Soooo (so to speak): For Invitational Week 101: Write a humorous exaggeration in the form “x is so y [that],” as in the examples above. (full results here). It can be on any subject, not just politics.

Deadline is Saturday, Dec. 14, 2024, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Dec. 19. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form.

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-101.

Formatting your entries this week: It’s just our regular request that you write each individual entry as a single line (i.e., don’t push Enter until the end of each entry).

This week’s winner gets this fabulous set of little Christmas ornaments depicting three existentialist philosophers — tree-thinkers, you could call them. What could be more jolly than rockin’ around the Christmas tree with Jean-Paul Sartre, Simone de Beauvoir, and Albert Camus, all decked out in a festive black and gray? Donated by chronic prize-donor Kathy Sheeran.

Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Bank Ribbery: ‘Mess With Our Heads’ winners from Week 99

In our perennial Mess With Our Heads contest, we asked you to choose a headline from some article or ad dated that week, then give it a different meaning (or at least a wry comment) by writing a bank head, or subtitle, beneath it.

Third runner-up:
Real headline: White House Goes Green
Bank head: Trump to Wallpaper Oval Office With $100 Bills
(Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Second runner-up:
A science-backed tip to waste less food on Thanksgiving
Cook less food on Thanksgiving
(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

First runner-up:
I’m uncomfortable with our CEO invoking Jesus before meetings. What do I do?
Change your job from cardinal
(Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)

And the winner of the Pissed-Off Cats calendar:
Over 500 fossilized poops show how dinosaurs came to rule the Earth
Association of Retired Paleontologists hosts symposium on Triassic Era
(Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.)

As always, if you think the best among today’s inking entries were unjustly buried in the honorable mentions, shout out your favorites in the comments.

Knuckleheads: Honorable mentions

Proposed bill would create new bullet train in Texas along I-35
Ammo-delivery vehicle expected to decrease downtime between shootings (Heather Kennedy, Dripping Springs, Tex., a First Offender)

Maps Pinpoint Where Democrats Lost Ground Since 2020 in 11 Big Cities
It was in the voting booths, analysts say (Gary Crockett)

How to make Thanksgiving travel easier
After dinner, unbutton pants before heading to couch (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Are you my sponge?
Question tops list of Worst Pickup Lines Ever (Barbara Turner)

Putin sends message to West with missile
Biden asks if he can just pick up the phone next time (Dan Helming, Conshohocken, Pa.)

Trash incinerator in Montgomery to continue despite pollution complaints
You know it’s bad if the pollution is complaining (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio)

How to reduce your waste on Black Friday
Immodium (Stephanie Smilay, Takoma Park, Md.)

Bowser does not comment on movement
Dog sits quietly as owner howls in anger at poop on the carpet (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.)

Some people are ‘heart agers.’ Some are ‘brain youthers.’
And some are ‘noun verbers.’ (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Family of man found in river looks for answers
’Why are we in this river?’ family asks (Duncan Stevens)

9-Letter Word for Avoiding Intimacy
That would be ‘impotence’ (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

Dog-friendly bar Bark Social will file for bankruptcy
Pooches turned down pricey cocktails, drank out of toilet (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

Can Gwyneth Paltrow Save Goop with a Bold New Vaginal Product?
Gynecologists advise: Vaginal goop not worth saving (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

Garbage facility to keep running
Tariffs to be waived on MAGA caps made in Chinese factory (Jonathan Jensen)

How Not to Fall Into Despair
Stop Reading This Newspaper (Jonathan Jensen)

Tap water chemical is finally identified
After 4-year study, scientists announce it is dihydrogen monoxide (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.; Kevin Dopart, Naxos, Greece)

Is It Possible the Democrats Were Hurt by a Strong Economy?
No. (Gary Crockett)

Why Black Friday is losing popularity with holiday shoppers
MAGA boycott demands Caucasian Saturday (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

N.H. shelter scurries to find homes for 800 mice
Kind offers roll in from Granite State herpetologists (Jeff Contompasis)

GOP may try to defang consumer watchdog
Republicans plan extraction for 90-year-old Ralph Nader (Jeff Contompasis)

It’s big, ungainly, communicates with hisses and vomits when threatened
Why they won’t give Eric Trump a Cabinet post (Barbara Turner)

Trump’s choice for US spymaster is in many ways a stranger to the intelligence community
But a familiar face to the stupidity community (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.)

Residents of Herndon apartment complex say mold is making them sick
Salmon-Jello dish from Fran in 3A not appreciated at potluck (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

Why busy parents are turning to kettlebells
Kids won’t run off when tied to 50-pound weights (Steve Honley, Washington, D.C.)

These Are the Most Fulfilling Jobs in America
Women Say ‘Nurse Anesthetist,’ Men Say ‘Blow’ (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Times, temps and tips for making sure your turkey turns out swell
Our guide to restaurants that deliver on Thanksgiving Day (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.)

Mouth taping may help with snoring and sleep apnea
May also prevent talking in your sleep about your extramarital affair (Dave Prevar; Howard Walderman)

Think twice before buying tomatoes this winter
Finance experts say stealing is much cheaper (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Fearing war, Georgia chooses a return to Russia’s embrace
Explains Trump’s win in Peach State (Dave Metzger, Venice, Fla., a First Offender)

Loose hamsters ground plane for 5 days
Rebellious rodents thwart Boeing’s new design to power engines (Richard Wexler, Alexandria, Va.)

Trump’s Crown Doesn’t Fit
President-elect Demands Investigation of American Dental Association (Richard Wexler)

Dons win Turkey Bowl
Trump Sr. and Jr. out-asshole the Kardashians to win coveted celebrity prize (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

Passengers at Dulles Airport expected to grow
Experts fear new Cold Stone Creamery, Chick-fil-A on concourse will increase traveler obesity (Gregory Koch, Falls Church, Va.)

Chimp bands may have humanlike culture, report finds
‘They’re usually an hour late for their gigs, and half of them are stoned,’ agent confides (Neal Starkman, Seattle)

Connecticut Couple Charged in $1 Million Theft of Lululemon Goods
Police Recover All 12 Pairs of Full-Priced Yoga Pants (Michael Stein)

Where to See Santa in Wayne This Christmas Season
Pornhub launches “Gay Yuletide” channel (Jesse Frankovich)

And Last: Garbage facility to keep running
Substack agrees to keep The Gene Pool (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

Still running — deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Dec. 7: our Week 100 contest for predictions of news headlines (and more) from a hundred years from now. Click on the link below.

The headline “Bank Ribbery” was submitted by both Chris Doyle and Jon Gearhart; Kevin Dopart wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

The Invitational Week 100!

We now enter the highly touted Real-Time Segment of The Gene Pool, where Gene responds to your questions and observations, which were made in Real Time. Today’s Q’s and O’s (so far) cover a cornucopia of subjects, including art, bad habits, and The Pardon. Send your new Questions and Observations right here:

Regarding the horrific story from New York, where the insurance company CEO was assassinated by gunshots in the back fired from a weapon with a silencer: Yesterday, everyone was making a big deal about how there seemed to be no motive, but as soon as we heard about it, Rachel proposed one: “This is going to involve someone whose loved one died after the insurance company denied coverage.”

Today it is being reported that the bullet casings found on the scene had some words written on them. They apparently included “deny,” “delay,” and “depose.”

I am just saying.

Today, Rachel asks: “Now I want to know if the killer is the enraged policy holder who learned to be a skilled assassin for this mission alone, or did he or she hire a pro?”

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Q: I’m at a campus safety conference. One of the presenters is the Chief of Police at Rutgers: Ken Cop.

A: For its brilliant simplicity this indeed has just been elevated to the Aptonym Hall of Fame.

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This is Gene. I just want to note that Peter Hegseth today delivered one of the most blatantly alcoholic statements any blatant alcoholic can ever blatantly make: He promised to stop drinking if he gets the SecDef job.

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TIMELY TIP: If you’re reading this on an email: Just click on the headline in the email and it will deliver you to the full column online. Keep refreshing the screen to see the new questions and answers that appear as I regularly update the post.

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And finally, if you can afford it, please consider upgrading your subscription to “paid.” I am now spending full-time hours on The Gene Pool; my hourly salary is roughly $12.03. Also, it will free you to feel no guilt every time you see one of these pathetic pleas. Also, you will become my employer, with the power to order me around. Also, you will be fighting fascism. It’s $4.15 a month. Thanks!

Let’s go.

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Q: Since we, the passionate Gene Poolers, have named your neighbor's dog Dexter are we going to get updates on his life? Seems like we are entitled to some access into his life progression as we did name him. Things such as likes and dislikes- cats, squirrels, fire hydrants, foods, etc. As we do not have visitation rights maybe you can peer over the fence for us.

– Jim G

A: Indeed, Jim. I was just in a conversation with Dexter and his people (they live three houses down the block from me.) Here’s the little fella in his front yard.

He’s three months old already. The latest news bulletin: Dexter has learned, via trial and error, that it is unwise for a dog the size of a guinea pig to leap to the pavement from a two-foot drop.

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Q: Is it no longer proper to write “committed suicide”? This is from the Washington Post.

"Golubski was found in his home in Edwardsville, where he had been confined to house arrest for more than two years since being criminally charged. Local authorities said Golubski died of a gunshot wound and that there were no signs of foul play."

Tom Logan - Sterling, VA

A: Interesting. I shall inquire. CNN did it right.

Q: Apparently new MLB rules are not enough to raise interest in the game. Now there's talk about instituting something called a "Golden At Bat" or "Golden Batter" The idea would be to allow a team to pick one-at bat for its best hitter regardless of where they are in the batting order. Is this a bridge (or batter) too far?

A: It’s dreadful and I predict it will go no further. Yes, it would allow a team to have one “golden at bat” per game. The manager would be able to put (presumably) his best hitter at bat in a key situation.

It reeks of cheapness and grandstanding, hunting for more viewers at the expense of the beauty of the game, and it has a number of obvious tactical problems. What if you put Juan Soto in in a bases-loaded two-out situation, and he, say, walks. And what if he is the next scheduled batter? Does he bat TWICE IN A ROW?

It’s dumb and shallow and no.

Now, I also reacted badly to the zombie runner in games that go into extra innings, but I admit I was wrong. It worked out fairly well. I am right about this.

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Q: Have you seen this? I love it.

Man Uses illegal flamethrower to vandalize the street (TRUMP USA in front of his own house); evidence is video on social media ( on wife's account); will cost his own HOA to repair (bet the neighbors love him!); now in legal trouble (duh); from the photo, his little art project isn't even legible.

A: Surprise! He’s an eejit! He made it unreadable by superimposing one word over the other.

Q: I have a question: many of us are less upset by the pardon than by the timing, which comes after the election while the blanket denial happened before. A flip-flop immediately after the jury decision would have been bad, but an understandable emotional response. So if Biden had pardoned Hunter previous to the election, would you have been less sympathetic in retrospect, worrying that it contributed to Harris‘s loss?

A: Of course. It would have guaranteed her loss. I would have hated him for that. I think his timing here was impeccable.

I also very much still like this proposal, in the Gene Pool Comments, by Germaine: Why should he leave his kid in the line of fire? Now, just resign on 1/10/2025 so we fuck up all the 47 merch because then Kamala is 47 and Trump is 48.

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Q: btw, you, an old white fart, don't get to decide what is offensive to women. thinking you do is offensive.

A: Ordinarily, I would agree. But in this case, your premise is flawed. First, I think I am so entitled in the context of a book written by a man and a woman, about men and women, and presented as a continuing argument. Second, and more important, I was not arguing about whether the joke was offensive to women. The argument was over whether it should be offensive to women, which is different. I contended that the joke was entirely at the expense of men. That is what you are talking about, right?

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Q: You have spoken before about an unpopular opinion of yours that you will take to the grave. I have a guess as to what it is based on one of your past essays and several of your old chats. I believe your Secret Opinion is that, for parents of adult children with very very severe intellectual disabilities where the adult children are completely unable to function independently or live alone:

You think that these disabled adults should be painlessly euthanized when their parents die. I have concluded this based on some things you have shared in the past as well as your comment that this unpopular opinion doesn't have anything to do with abortion but is in a similar "neighborhood." I will not tell a soul if this is indeed the unpopular opinion.

A: Whoa. You think I am in favor of executing these people?

No. I am neither a Nazi nor a eugenicist.

Just FYI, I don’t recall saying my opinion had nothing to do with abortion.

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Q: You listed “beets” as an example of gassy food. I was unaware that beets are considered a gassy food. They don't do that to me. For me, they cause an increase in the amount of toilet paper I use. On the other hand, they cause me to urinate a rather lovely reddish-gold color, so, well worth it.

A: Beets high in “fodmaps” which is an acronym for “fermentable oligosaccharides, disaccharaides, monosaccharides, and polyols. Fodmaps are fart producing. You are welcome.

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Q; The banana reminds me of a discussion we had in a philosophy of art class I took in college (the kind of class where you read Tolstoy's treatise on art in which he declared that for something to be art it must promote a "Christian brotherhood"). In any case, the way the discussion goes, it's the act of creating that is the art and the item that remains - if there's something that remains - is just the product, but not the art itself. So, Duchamp's art was declaring the urinal to be art, Michelangelo's art was the sculpting rather than the sculpture, Yo-Yo Ma's art is playing the Bach cello suite in real time rather than what I listen to on my headphones. The art is ephemeral, regardless of whether there's an object, recording, or printed page left behind. I get it, and there are certainly aspects of it I agree with, but it's hard not to look at a Botticelli's Birth of Venus and not think of the object itself as art rather than the byproduct of it.

A: That is supposedly the magic of Jackson Pollock. The art is in looking at his splotches, and imagining what it looked like when he was creating it: His gyrations and such. I don’t buy it. I don’t buy Pollocks, either, but that’s a matter of economics.

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Q: A local radio station did their mandatory monthly testing of the Emergency Broadcast System yesterday, I’m starting to take it more seriously now with Putin/Ukraine and SECDEF nominee. Can my old school desk really stop radiation?

Stephen Dudzik

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A: Stephen, don’t be a dork. The desks were not to stop radiation, they were to prevent us from being conked by falling ceilings, chandeliers, people, bathtubs, etc. once the Big One hit. To stop the radiation we needed aluminum-foil hats, but our schools had not discovered that yet.

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Q: I became a paid subscriber because well-aimed sarcasm, elegant writing, and stories about dogs can all provide relief in these dark times. As a paid subscriber, I was invited to push a digital button labeled, to my nearly-70-year-old eyes, "Upgrade to Foundling." I do understand that it must have said "Founding." But I prefer to believe that for a small additional fee I can start over as an infant in Victorian England. I would prefer to be adopted by a railroad magnate with a compassionate wife and no children of their own. This avoids tawdry plot lines involving jealous siblings and permits me to focus on interrupting the immigration of great-grandpa Drumpf. Can this be arranged? – David Devlin-Foltz

A: Yes, for another $100 a year I will look into it.

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Q: Why do newspapers still print horoscopes? Is it not at odds with their central mission of reporting the truth?

A: I have been making this argument forever…..Newspapers aren’t supposed to publish lies, and horoscopes are lies. A common answer is that they are entertainment, like comics are. But comics often reach a truth about life. They are narratives. They are narrative fiction. They can be artful, even poetic. Horoscopes are bullshit pap written by charlatans who don’t even believe what they are saying.

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This is Gene. I am calling us down. PLEASE send in more Observations, Questions, and Anecdotes. I need them. And will respond to them, in detail, next week. See you on the weekend, when, among other things, we’ll reveal the names of the free-subscription winners. Obs, Q’s and Anecs here: