Texas Goddamn

A “scold’s bridle,” from colonial New England

Almost lost in the swirling toilet of recent news generated by Donald Trump and his buttlicking minions was news out of Texas that was so weird and stupid that it beggars belief and defies coherent analysis.

It was part and parcel of several other recent developments, all generated by the same nauseating urgency: Donald Trump’s infantile, petulant rage at his perceived enemies, and the willingness of his spineless sycophants to support his regime of revenge.

(suggestion: if you are reading this in an email, click on the headline so you get the latest amended, emended and addended version.)

Just yesterday, we saw Paramount cancel Stephen Colbert’s Late Show, claiming it was not a result of anything Colbert had said on the air, but a simple business decision based on the strength of his late-night competition. This was a lie. Colbert is the highest-rated non-Fox late-night guy. The real reason he was cancelled is that just the day before, he had savaged the CBS parent company, Paramount, over a $16 million dollar tribute they paid Trump in the hopes that he would not scuttle a planned highly profitable sale of the company to Skydance Media. The payment was disguised as settlement of a completely meritless nuisance lawsuit Trump filed against 60 Minutes.

At the end of a searing criticism of his bosses, Colbert called it “a big, fat bribe” It all begins here at the two-minute mark.

Yes, Trump hates Colbert. He has called him a "no-talent guy," "a low life,” and “a complete and total loser" and had specifically called on CBS to fire him.

Also, on the revenge tour buffeted by Congressional lickspittles is Trump’s budget slash of money going from the federal goverment to PBS and NPR. Trump calls them purveyors of “left-wing, woke propaganda.” He doesn’t like their politics, so he is gagging them. His Congress of course went along.

These news events and others preceding them eclipsed the most remarkable Trump-inspired get-back-attery. It happened in Texas last month, to only brief and modest national outrage because, you know, every day is a new outrage. Gotta keep up with the swirl.

Texas Governor Greg Abbott, a principal Trump toady, steered through his statehouse, and then signed, a bill that will outlaw any sort of earnest speech at certain times among students at public universities. For instance, the law bans all “expressive activities” in the last two weeks of each semester, as well as every day between 10 p.m. and 8 a.m. Students can’t discuss issues, even just with each other in little furtive klatches, 19th century Russian shtetl style. Here’s a paywall-free story about it from The Houston Chronicle.

This patently unconstitutional law is scheduled to take effect Sept. 1.

This is all just another heel-click salute to Trump, who has been prosecuting his hatred of “woke” colleges and universities for years, most recently seizing on them as supposed cauldrons of anti-Israeli antisemitism. Governor Abbott snapped to attention. Jawohl.

So. I have some advice for students at public universities in Texas. A bullet list of ways to stay in school, unmolested by authorities, and still manage to communicate with each other.

1. Have sex all over the place on campus all night. In the dean’s office, for example. Sex — so long as the utterances are confined to grunts and moans — cannot rightly be defined as “speech.” If it could, you could apply the rules of declension to orangutans.

2. Leave campus. Have your conversations in the nearest strip joint. The school’s goons can’t touch you there, and your parents won’t be too thrilled. The school might hear from them.

3. Hire a lip reader who is not a student. Then conduct your conversations with friends entirely silently, mouthing the words, so you are not “speaking.” The lip reader will translate. The lip reader will be saying the objectionable stuff, not you.

4. Write your messages to each other with icing, on cakes. What are they gonna do, indict and expel a cake?

5. Use an Etch-a-Sketch. If a university thug bursts into your dorm room, just turn it over and shake it!

6. Have your ordinary conversations and debates, but have every sentence end with “in order to get more Republicans elected.” Record everything. Dare them to expel you for that fine sentiment and see how their electorate feels.

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Okay, that’s it for today. Today’s Gene Pool Gene Polls:

And, in a related question.