Prankly Speaking . . .
Have you heard that Donald Trump has proposed subsidies and tax credits for coal-powered cars?
Have you heard that Donald Trump plans to build a casino in Tehran?
Have you heard that Donald Trump wants the DOJ to prosecute all-women retreats for being discriminatory to men?
Have you heard that Donald Trump plans to carpet bomb The Vatican because the Pope doesn’t like him?
Have you heard that Donald Trump says he is a direct descendant of both Jesus and Julius Caesar?
Have you heard that Donald Trump wants the DOJ to sue Bumble for letting people filter out conservatives?
Have you heard that Donald Trump bragged that he has never once eaten a vegetable?
Have you heard that Donald Trump wants to pardon Jared from Subway because TV stars get unfairly blamed for things they never did?
Have you heard that Donald Trump sent a pair of size 11 Florsheim shoes to Kim Jong Un?
Have you heard that Donald Trump wants to rename it the Trump Statue of Liberty?
Never mind. It’s no use. With this guy, there is nothing improbable enough to qualify as an April Fool’s prank. Irony is dead.
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By the way, when I first heard that Kristi Noem’s husband is a cross-dressing Internet weirdo geek fetishist who performs wearing huge fake breasts and pink hot pants, I assumed it was a day-early prank. But when I learned it was true, I was not THAT surprised. Have you noticed that whenever some politician is found hanging in a closet, in ladies lingerie with an orange in his mouth, it’s usually a conservative?
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Speaking of pranks, I’m going to start occasionally returning to my old schtick of making crank-calls to customer service reps. I decided to do it after re-reading this old one, perhaps the best ever, where the tables got turned on me by a very smart CSR.
Signature® Antacid Tablets
Me: I would would like to ask you a question about your product, which I bought at Safeway. The bottle is oddly generic looking, identifying itself by no product name, but only as “antacid tablets.” The only brand name on it is “Signature,” which is apparently a Safeway house name for generic products.
Sam: Yes.
Me: I tried to figure out why this product had no name, and then it came to me, slap to the forehead: This product is identical in chemical content and appearance and taste to TUMS, a brand-name drug that people realized could be anagrammed to SMUT, which proved a bit of a liability for TUMS, because it left its company open to abuse from vulgarians and moron prankster callers, and so forth. So, to avoid even the possibility of that problem, even inadvertently, I suspect your company chose no name at all.
Sam: It is more complicated than that.
Me: Well, before you educate me, let me inform you of something.
Sam: All right.
Me: “Signature” anagrams to “Stag urine.”
Sam:
Me: It ALSO anagrams to “Tiger anus.”
Sam:
Me: And in fact, “Safeway Stores” anagrams to “Fo’ yer ass sweat.” So.
Sam: We only manufacture the products. The retailers we sell to, they choose the names. We sell these to Wal-Mart and CVS and Safeway. They choose the labels.
Me: Oh.
Sam: But we should talk about this. It is important. Because every brand has some problems, every word can have different slants, different meanings. In English, all words can be bastardized, with different hostile connotations and there is nothing we can do about it. I am telling you what goes on. The English have tea, but that word can mean something different in America.
Me: Something you smoke.
Sam: Now think about Aunt Jemima.
Me: Say what?
Sam: The pancake syrup. They changed her picture for no reason. There was nothing wrong with the way she looked. She looked proud, fine. But people said things, hurtful things, and so they changed it. English is an aggression against native people and minorities. I am Indian. I feel this. There is nothing we can do. Am I wrong?
Me: No!
Sam: It’s impossible to say anything without getting criticized. Maybe math is racist.
Me: Math?
Sam: People could say that, and we would have to change mathematics.
Me: So nothing means anything?
Sam: Everything means nothing.
Me: Omigod.
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We’re done.
Oh, wait.
Addendum after two hours: Regarding the poll, the real item in the opening list of “pranks” was the one about all-women retreats.
Okay, now we’re done.
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I believe the "all-women retreat" "joke" is no joke.
Since fools are the currency of the day, and The Gene Pool is known among its aficionados affectionately as "Words-R-Us," I believe it altogether fitting and proper to note federal judges ruling against the Demento administration and Demento personally are using far more "colorful," blunt, and atypical language — including, in some instances, dramatic punctuation — compared to traditional judicial opinions. In fact, D.C. Senior Judge Richard Leon who yesterday (03-31) ruled that Demento had no authority to build his ballroom (as if he needs more ball room...) --- and is known for his evocative language --- was relatively restrained, reportedly using only 19 exclamation points in that opinion as opposed to what must be some sort of record, 27 of them, in striking down an executive order targeting a law firm in May of last year. There he also described the administration's legal defense as a "gumbo" that gave him "heartburn" and included the recipe for the gumbo in his opinion. Doesn't get much more "delicious" than that.