Hooking You Up to a Morpheus Drip

Hello. Welcome to the world renowned Weekend Gene Pool, in which I ask you for observations / ruminations on a given topic so I can respond to them next week. In return, you get entertained.

Hopes and dreams are the heart and the engine of the human condition. They propel us through life, a Darwinian adaptation that distracts us from the existential horror of our own mortality and keep us focused on survival, filled with the ephemeral joy of striving for more, and better, and deeper Fortunately, today’s question has nothing to do with this sappy subject. We are casting away “hopes” entirely, and focusing on dreams. Yours. True tales of weird and/or funny and/or terrifying dreams you’ve had while asleep.

A few days ago, this was my dream. I cannot deconstruct it, or explain it, other than a subconscious expression of general diffuse anxiety and paranoia.

I was in walking, being harassed by a duck. It was a cartoon duck, like Donald, only more sinister, but also wearing a shirt but no pants. He was talking English, quite clearly — not with a Donald quack — and he was haranguing me about my failures as a human, annoying the hell out of me. I don’t recall the details of his tirade (we must be honest in relating dreams, not filling in memory gaps with made-up stuff) but it was really nasty. We eventually came to a lake, at which point I grabbed the duck and flung him into the water as hard as I could. Almost instantly a huge bird dove from above. It was maybe the size of the Vorombe Titan, or elephant bird, an extinct species that weighed 1,500 pounds. The duck had ducked beneath the surface of the water to escape from me, and the bird crashed through the water after him. Suddenly there was blood in the water. A lot of blood. I turned away in horror and began to walk back to my hotel. I hadn’t meant to kill the damn duck.

So when I got to my hotel room, I noticed that the door was open and the carpet had wet, webbed footprints. I concluded the duck had survived the altercation. somehow dispatching the elephant bird, and vowed revenge upon me. Then it beat me to my hotel room because it could fly. How it knew where my hotel room was, I dunno. How it got in through a locked door, I dunno. I looked around, and four things were missing: My wallet with its credit cards, and my keys, which included the key to my car, the only key I have to my car, and my computer, and my cellphone. I realized the duck had wreaked its revenge by making me invisible and helpless in a strange place.

This reality hit me so hard I woke up, heart pounding. And could not get back to sleep for an hour.

This, by the way, was a very atypical dream for me. More typical is the type I discussed in this short interview with the fabulous Danish director Lars Von Trier. In it, he explains the difference between American and European cinema. (“Avant-garde is taking things that are very clear and making them difficult, as opposed to American filmmaking, which is making difficult things simple.”)

So, what I am calling for today are some dreams you actually had that are spectacular in some way. Mostly funny, but weird or scary works, too. Please, truth only, and only what you remember for sure. Elaborate / interpret as needed. Send ‘em here:

Other types of questions, observations are also always welcome.

Some weeks ago, someone asked what the “share” button does, and I said, truthfully, that I didn’t exactly know. Suddenly, it has a very specific function that can benefit you. I described this new use in a post yesterday — it’s basically a legal pyramid scheme. If you missed the post, here it is.

And finally, the thrice weekly insufferable petition for new subscribers:

Maybe we’ll end with a rare Weekend Gene Pool Gene Poll:

What best describes your memory of dreams? A: Zero memory; not sure if I dream at all. B: Vague, incomplete memories of some dreams, and once awake they go away in a short time unless I write ‘em down or tell ‘em to someone. C: Pretty solid memories, especially of dramatic or weird dreams; lasts a while, then fades. D: Almost full recollection, and it lasts.

Okay, see you on Tuesday.