Who Wins?

Welcome to the Weekend Gene Pool, soon to be the subject of a Ken Burns documentary titled “When Substacks Go Bad.” As always, we’re seeking your input today on an issue we will raise, and in return we solemnly agree to entertain you.

Today, our challenge will be linked to our two Gene Pool Gene Polls.

Gene Poll One:

Two wily NBA coaches are each asked to assemble a team that will play one big game for charity. The teams will be composed of any nine men the coaches wish, chosen from current NBA rosters. The bragging stakes are high and both teams will want to win. Coach A must choose only players who are six foot two or shorter. Coach B must choose only players who are seven foot or taller. Normal NBA rules apply.

Gene Poll Two:

Two wily Major League Baseball managers are asked to assemble a team that will play one big game for charity. The teams will be composed of any fifteen men the manager wishes, chosen from current MLB rosters. The bragging stakes are high and both teams will want to win. Manager Y must choose only pitchers. Manager Z must choose only catchers. Normal MLB rules apply.

—

So what is your challenge for this Weekend Gene Pool? It is two-pronged.

Prong one:

1) Explain your choices, and/or the strategies for the coach and the manager. Even if you know nothing about sports, I am thinking you will have opinions. Because you are like that.

Prong two:

2) Propose other such hypothetical tests, sports related or otherwise, particularly otherwise. I can envision tests in the workplace, a restaurant, driving, etc. Yes, be funny.

Note: I steadfastly maintain there are correct answers to the poll questions, and I will reveal them on Tuesday.

Please do not send your Questions and Observations about this challenge to “Comments.” They will get the most robust discussion and respectful analysis if you send them to our Orange Demon button, which is here. I am begging you as a friend and an employee of yours.

Have I entertained you enough? No? Okay, the following happened to me on Friday:

I went to the Department of Motor Vehicles to resolve, ironically, a Stupid Tax issue. The clerk was an Asian man who was very helpful and uber-competent. He resolved my issue in minutes. I was stunned. I had expected a protracted bureaucratic nightmare resulting in an absurd expenditure of money. When we were done, he looked at my name, and my nose, and said:

“I was visiting my daughter in Brooklyn last week and had pastrami for the first time! It was great!”

He was wearing a mask, but I just know he was grinning mischievously.

I laughed out loud, and told him that only New York delis know how to do pastrami, and that it must be fatty.

“Yes!” he said. “It was very fatty!”

I thanked him and left, mulling over my great good luck in having my car problem resolved without incident. As I got into my car, I saw the man had followed me out of the DMV and was sprinting toward my car.

“Crap,” I thought. “It was too good to be true.”

Rolling my eyes, I rolled down my window.

He said: “Is there a place where I can get good pastrami in Washington?”

Sadly, I told him no. Delis in D.C, trim the fat, like jerks, and overcook the meat. Still, I said, brightening, this would give him a good reason to visit his daughter more often, which is always a good thing.

—

Again, please: Send your thoughts on hypothetical matchups here:

And finally, please take a moment to consider how bizarre and surprising The Gene Pool is. Now consider a large decaf latte at Starbucks. Both cost exactly $4.15. At Starbucks you get a single serving of a wan, faintly bitter, disappointing drink, served by a sullen person who asks your name. At The Gene Pool you get a month’s worth of 13 scintillating posts like this one. And you can be anonymous!

See you on Tuesday.