Hello. I know you are all excited — orgasmic, actually — about the reincarnation of my chat and the Invitational, so I am urging you to calm down before reading this. Respect your heart. Swallow some aspirin, if need be; it helps with cardiac issues. Things will go well. We are planning to begin, in real time, at one p.m. EST on Tuesday, January 3. I will have an introduction and will be, as always, taking your questions. And that’s why I am writing today. Ask away, in advance. Drop your questions in the comment section here.
Now, I know you probably have some questions. (Haha. Meta joke.)
What can you ask about? Anything. Since this site is on Substack and not The Washington Post, and many of you are paying for it and therefore are not (presumably) 12 years old, having raided your parents’ wallets, we no longer have to be entirely civil and proper and prudish and whatnot, which is not an invitation to lewdness, vulgarity, or whatever, though you will quickly see that the parameters have changed a bit when you note some of the published entries to what turned out to be the final Wapo Invitational. Pat Myers, The Empress, has been liberated from the yoke of corporate harrumph. There is no telling where this wild wench will go.
Reminder: For a couple of weeks, participation is free. You can enter the Invitational, you can submit questions. Afterwards, only the reading will be free, a gift for the passive and bashful. And for the others: No issues are out of bounds.
This feels like I'm very alone in a very large place. Like I should sing real loud or steal something. Oh, well, better luck next week, fellow Gene Pool Loogies!
So, is this chat live now, or what? Actually, I just want to see if my icon gets the promised crest for Founding Members. If it does, I'll come up with a better question.
There it is! My question turns out to be better than I thought, though, since I appear to be the only chatter here. Did I miss something? May I blame Biff too? Does he have any qualifications for this job, other than being a masochist? Hmm. Are there any other qualifications required?
I have to assume that the nascent Weingarten-Myers Caste System will soon discard the standard Substack icons for something more Twitteresque. You may have noticed the five ring crest presently bestowed on those known as "Founding Members." I take it this means they purportedly paid $100 for the dubious privilege of actually being able to find the chat. Word on the street is they're probably family shills. As evidence of the latter, you'll notice there is no icon --- not even the expected (though presumably, larger) doo-doo emoji so beloved of our Dear Leader --- attached to the comments of those who sent in their crumpled $50.00 bills for an annual subscription --- let alone the benighted opting for a monthly go. Now that this inequity has been exposed, I can only hope attention will be paid to the need for more equal and expressive recognition. For example: a diamond tiara icon for those who Pat wants to single out for special ridicule (like someone making a disparaging remark about a commenter's colon) or, a middle finger GIF from Gene for well...anyone and anything --- along with a variety of color-coded checkmarks, hieroglyphs and symbols reminiscent of tantric sex positions. And oh yes, before I forget --- because of rampant and enervating jealously over the prizes previously awarded for the competition that dare not speak its name --- the former "Empress" who, because of a recent appeals court ruling can, for now, only style herself "Pretender to the Throne" --- will henceforth award only wax lips of varying sizes and discount cards for Mary's House of Depilation.
Okay Gene. I'll fork over the 50 bucks. Sorry I couldn't come up with a plain brown bag. But please, please give us Fluffy back. We'll love her just as much with only one ear.
Gene --- Congrats on the clever misdirection. Truth Social had to shut down for the first time because of what it sensed was a denial of service attack from a group of five people calling itself "Weingarten's Weenies" trying to gain access at the same time. Never happened before. Although, of course, it was founded on the basis of a humongous four-year denial of service. Anyway, all's well that ended. I assume, btw, that you have heard by now that the NYT's Maggie Haberman, who is bored out of her gourd, has uncovered the startling fact that those ubiquitous "informed sources" are Irwin, Louis, Seymour and Asher at the Temple Beth El Men's Club in Cedarhurst, NY.
I have a lingering sense of guilt for that conversation, because it was my comments that Gene published and seconded. Gene, I am sorry that our conversation put a bullseye on Monthly with Moron. But I'm not sorry that I thought -- and still think -- that the chat software sucked big ones.
Okay, gonna end this now. We got a lot of comments, but I'm not sure the system works right, or that people see responses in real time. We'll fix by Thursday, 1 pm.
There was a snafu today with comments being written, inadvertently, on two different pages, only one of which had Gene. If you scroll down through the posts on this page, you 'll see all the discussion; Gene answered selected questions.
When you saw two grown men collide playing football and one of them collapsed did you immediately think, "that's clearly due to a vaccination from 18 months ago." Or, did you wonder something worse? Like his heart failed.
I've been reading a paper since I was 8 or 9. Started with baseball scores and comics but eventually moved to reading most all of it.
What is up w WaPo and all online news? My online Post seems to be stories on dieting, household tips, dating, advice, pets, the royal family, and about 6 top headlines. And, for the last 6 years, anything and everything about 45.
What happened to news? The entire thing just seems like click-bait now.
I suspect all papers are this way.
TV news isn't much better, but has always been inferior to print journalism.
Neither am I. They keep killing the best stuff in the paper, like when they killed Book World, then the Opinion section but brought back a revised Book World format to appease the masses (it didn't). When they ended your column, that was a disappointment. but they complicated it last year when, as a digital subscriber who used eReplicate to print the Samurai Sudoku for my pal, they KILLED eREPLICATE! What the FUDGE?
One last hairball before I go off to oral surgery. Since I've managed to run the whole business of NFT cards into the ground in these here parts, it seems only fitting that I formally suggest NFTs of the rich and infamous as a topic of derision. One for the road: Mike Pence as the long-forgotten (or ignored) Apostle Seymour, who was pulled over on his ass under the influence of Rapture and missed the final dinner. Bless this vessel and all who fail on her.
On Saturday, six days after Christmas, my wife said, “That glass thing your mom gave us looks just like a pile of poop.” I looked at it and realized she was right. It’s a multi colored piece of blown glass. Once seen, the poop can’t be unseen. We wonder if she was snickering at us during the holiday. I would send a picture to the chat if I’m knew how.
Certainly a look at the historic significance of January 3 --- a day that will live in infamy, if not give the ides of March a run for its money in the annals. With the one notable exception, of course. Actually two. Apart from the start of the New Age of Enlightenment here, Delaware voted not to secede from the United States in 1861.
* The "Know-Nothings" of the 19th century, reincarnated as the "Do-Nothings," take control of the US House of Representatives.
* Kevin McCarthy is seen bringing his own gavel to the House Chamber. Marjorie Taylor Greene overheard referring to McCarthy as "My Kevin," lending credence to the rumor that he has agreed to be her sex slave.
* Two men and a trained monkey, all purporting to be someone called "George Santos," present themselves as the duly elected representative from New York's 3rd Congressional District. Steve Harvey and a former panel from "To Tell the Truth" are called in to get to the bottom of this head-scratcher. They finally agree on the monkey, despite it wearing a little fez with "Skippy" embroidered on it.
Gene --- Don't know whether you're allowed out much anymore but, if you have taken in a concert or play lately, you'll probably understand why I think you're just the guy to come up with the "Weingarten Guide for the Performing Audience." Stuff like: "How to Cough On-Key," and "How to Start a Standing Ovation."
For those of you still on the fence over whether to give in to Gene's extortionate demand, I can now report that a subscription works out to be cheaper on a weekly basis than a suggested contribution to "Save the Children."
I see no homages to ME as of yet. I suggest you work on that. It’s important. But what do you mean, what will we call it? You and Pat host a contest, combine the best ideas, and our new life free of corporate pressure and profiteering will begin!
Cats! Your essay on your cat sent me into a fit of giggles. Yes, I shamelessly shared it. There are many "cat" people on the SI site right now. How about something like, "How to tell whether your cat is spying on you?" or "What do cats do when you're not home -- the secret life of cats." I just read (can't remember where) about a woman with a 2-bedroom condo and 13 cats. She mustn't have an HOA, but HOAs are a whole other chat. Anyway, this read gave me a thought, "Why don't cats change their own litter?" Honestly, Gene, these are burning questions, and you'd be such a great discussion leader, even if you don't still own cats.
Do birds have length? No. I've already debunked the notion on my publication. That said, if you really think it's possible to codify the beginning and end of a bird such that all birds can have their lengths fairly compared, it's time you explain.
Gene --- Time to address job title inscrutability. Short of an aptonym, it's gotten to the point where it's almost impossible to know what someone does these days --- either from their title, or what they really do from 9:00-11:30 am, the hours they actually work. Now you would think an oologist, for example, was an expert in pleasurable expressions, wouldn't you ? But you would be wrong. It's someone who studies bird eggs. nests and breeding behavior. Presumably with the cooperation of the birds.
Gene --- Perhaps an expert opinion on what Elon Musk is really up to --- as sanitation conditions continue to deteriorate at Twitter HQ. There are persistent rumors that this all part of a money-making scheme to develop a new infectious disease -- in no small part to get back at Bill Gates for some imagined slight. Or alternatively --- that in addition to all of the obvious conditions --- he suffers from "Pigpen Syndrome."
I know Gene stopped doing Comic Pick of the Week when he became a comics writer, and I imagine this Substack won't be nearly as Post-centric as the old chat, but: any thoughts on the end of Patrick Reynolds's Flashbacks, and its replacement by Popeye, in the Sunday comics? Or of the decision to do a feature story on Funky Winkerbean even though the Post didn't carry it?
I will, in fact, now be free to comment on the comics, though that will probably mean The Post will instantly cancel Barney & Clyde, my comic strip. I loved Flashbacks. It was really corny and terribly drawn, but delightful in its own way. I learned a lot from it, actually.
My wife told me that part of Elizabeth Taylor's look was that she had double rows of eyelashes. Seemed gross to me. Too lazy to google and see if it's true.
My daughter's blue eyes look violet when she wears a shirt that is periwinkle blue in color, a color some would call violet instead of periwinkle. Blue eyes are like that- they tend to reflect the color you're wearing thus my blue-grey eyes look blue when I'm wearing blue but more grey when wearing other colors.
Many here are saying (and if not, should be..) that this is a shameless money grab --- down to the NFTs. Although I do kind of like the ones of you as Mark Twain and Pat as E.B. White (or is that the Marquis de Sade ?).
Gene --- One of those polling outfits (you'd think they'd take a break every once in a while, wouldn't you ?) found that the average American wouldn't know funny even if George Santos read his bio in front of them. Apparently a sense of humor is rapidly become a recessive trait or, an ignored option --- much like car turn signals. WaPo is making a half-hearted effort to hold back the decline by keeping Henry Olsen and Marc Thiessen on as columnists and yet, disappeared you, the Empress and the competition that dare not speak its name. So --- what's to be done ? Should we have a national Jester Laureate along with the poet one ? A HumorUS agency ? Attention must be paid.
Yes I know. This probably constitutes harassment, but the mediocre suggestions just keep coming. The worst ideas you've recently come across. The most amusing things you've read lately. Not mutually exclusive, of course. For example ---anything to do with George Santos (or whatever his name is) and Marjorie Taylor Greene as a member of the House Committee on Science, Space, and Technology.
Gene --- How about contemporary reimaginings of the great (or at least well-known) aphorisms, adages, proverbs, quotes and the like ? Something along the lines of: "I have not yet begun to fight...the heartbreak of dandruff." Or ---"You can’t make an omelette without...taking out a second mortgage." " If you scratch my back...I'll knee you in the groin." "Laugh, and the world laughs with you; urinate, and you pee alone." That kind of thing. Only better.
Already a request for updates on Chat Woman, can we also get other former WaPo writers as special guests? The ole Reliable Source gals, Liz, Jen Chaney? Anyone else from the peak chat days of the mid aughts? The dude who loved squirrels?
Chatwoman, Liz Kelly, will probably sign in shortly. She cannot be away from me. And was also the brilliant reason this chat exists. I hear she is currently president of Nicaragua, but she'll fill you in.
Okay Gene. Time to get serious. Sorry --- just kidding. No seriously... Topics, you say. How about what is funny these days and related ---is everything fair game for those in the humor business ? Seemingly ordinary things that annoy ? Why is Elon Musk here ? What should be included in the Donald J. Trump Presidential Bookmobile and Gift Shop ? Are Ivanka and Jared really on the outs ? Does anyone care ? What was found in several of the boxes the FBI removed from Mar-a-Lago, but so far has not been revealed ? Exactly how many Hunter Biden laptops are there ? Is it true that an expose of Russian interference in The Style Invitational was spiked at WaPo ? How far is Kevin McCarthy willing to go to get the gavel and is it true he has been practicing at home with one he bought ? What is the real reason Lauren Boebert is no longer allowed at the mean girls table ? Does she sleep with her Glock uncovered ? Better stop. Think I pulled something.
I know it's wrong, but I will forever and always wonder about the The One Opinion You Cannot Name. Mostly, I'm just excited to see where this goes! Especially if politics goes spectacularly off the rails for the how-many-hundredths year in a row. I've missed your sanity during the orange one's era.
I expected this question, and prepared for it. Many years ago, I noted that I had an opinion about a significant social issue that I could not express: Not that I was embarrassed by it, but that it would hurt many people who had done nothing wrong. A few close friends know what this opinion was, and most of them agree with me, but all of them said I cannot publicly express it. That still exists. So, no. You'll never get it. Sorry!
Delighted as I am to be part of this elite community, I do have one nit to pick with you. Why do you invite us to "gift" a subscription to your substack instead of "give" one? To be fair, a lot of sites employ that verbiage, so you're in good company. But I guess I missed the memo about nouns making better verbs than, well, actual verbs.
Gene is just being on (cringeworthy) trend. Turning nouns into verbs has become an epidemic ---whether it's because nouns (and other words) are becoming endangered or disappearing altogether under unabated texting or, for some other nonsensical reason I'll come up with later. The word wonks call it denominalization. So "gifting" and "keyboarding." Sure. "Efforting." If you insist. But it's not only your common, everyday nouns which are under attack. There are those (gasp!) proper nouns. You have to effort to "Houdini" your way out of a sticky situation. Or to "Trump" up a grievance. Where will it end !?
Not at all. I would be horrified, but not offended. One can never be offended by royalty. I think that's in the Magna Carta or Divine Right for Dummies. One of those publications..
I would use it only under special circumstances. Like when there's an attempt to communicate by extraterrestrial intelligence. I think "get in touch" somehow just doesn't cut it.
Gene, thank god you’re back. I would like a poll regarding the use of the vilest of vegetables…the green pepper. I know your thoughts regarding cilantro of which you are assuredly wrong (sorry) but I stay awake at night thinking about your response to the ubiquitous use of this vegetable in home cookery and how it infects everything it touches with its sharp, unripe, dirty flavours. You will notice that this repulsive vegetable is never found in fine dining yet is the darling of most American home kitchens. I could also get on board with removing all green-pepper lovers from this chat but that’s just me and I am known to be cruel.
I not only abhor green peppers, I am allergic to them. Please deliver us from their presence, especially in salsa. Green is not "jalapeño" you cretins!
I am just so DELIRIOUSLY HAPPY to have found where Gene landed -- I've been searching for him every so often -- he must be SOMEwhere -- and here he is! Best New Year's present ever!!!!
As my newspaper subscriptions fade into the past, what online-only entities most deserve my time and money? Or should I continue to subscribe to a paper?
George Santos. I have nothing but disdain for such a shyster, such a a complete and utter fraud. I say "nothing", but I also somehow have bones-deep pity for the man. He's utterly unfit for *any* public office, given his unmoored-from-reality "resume", but I'd like to have a discussion on what Santos means for us in general, and our current zeitgeist. If our ship were 100% righted, Santos would never have been elected, he'd be given the mental health support he clearly needs, rather than being a few days shy of being sworn in as a US Representative. Santos (that sick bastard, object of disdain/pity) isn't the cause of our democratic crisis, but he is a symptom. Big Lies spawn any number of small lies -- until they aren't.
I deeply, deeply condemn your description of Mr. Santos as a "shyster," a word that applies most prominently to Jewish lawyers. He appears not to be a Jew, as I am, with the appropriate nose and fatalistic sense of humor, but Jew-ISH, like -- I dunno -- Adam Sandler or somebody. Get your terms right.
I’m American but have lived in England since 2009 and I’m feeling it from both sides. If it’s any consolation, the U.K. has just as many/similar problems and liars getting away with big lies is just a small part of it. I think we could expand your topic to the world and then really feel helpless in the face of it all...
I first fell in love with your column when you wrote about your dogs and called one of them, Zippy, your emergency back up dog. I have since learned how important that is. I hope to always have at least two dogs, so I always have an emergency back up dog. Looking forward to this conversation because just by reading the comments so far I feel I am amongst my kind.
I think you're thinking of Dave Barry, who often wrote about his dogs Earnest (the large main dog) and Zippy (the small emergency dog). Gene lives his life on the edge and would never bother with an emergency backup dog, but he has intermittently had other backup pets, including cats and at least one bird.
I'm worried about everything. What can I toss out to Marie Kondo my worries?
I am happy to have found somewhere that my love for writing is nurtured. I also like to talk hahaha
This feels like I'm very alone in a very large place. Like I should sing real loud or steal something. Oh, well, better luck next week, fellow Gene Pool Loogies!
I'm here 😅 I agree, not really sure how this chat feature works. Seems more like a comment thread, or maybe I'm just using it wrong.
So, is this chat live now, or what? Actually, I just want to see if my icon gets the promised crest for Founding Members. If it does, I'll come up with a better question.
There it is! My question turns out to be better than I thought, though, since I appear to be the only chatter here. Did I miss something? May I blame Biff too? Does he have any qualifications for this job, other than being a masochist? Hmm. Are there any other qualifications required?
I have to assume that the nascent Weingarten-Myers Caste System will soon discard the standard Substack icons for something more Twitteresque. You may have noticed the five ring crest presently bestowed on those known as "Founding Members." I take it this means they purportedly paid $100 for the dubious privilege of actually being able to find the chat. Word on the street is they're probably family shills. As evidence of the latter, you'll notice there is no icon --- not even the expected (though presumably, larger) doo-doo emoji so beloved of our Dear Leader --- attached to the comments of those who sent in their crumpled $50.00 bills for an annual subscription --- let alone the benighted opting for a monthly go. Now that this inequity has been exposed, I can only hope attention will be paid to the need for more equal and expressive recognition. For example: a diamond tiara icon for those who Pat wants to single out for special ridicule (like someone making a disparaging remark about a commenter's colon) or, a middle finger GIF from Gene for well...anyone and anything --- along with a variety of color-coded checkmarks, hieroglyphs and symbols reminiscent of tantric sex positions. And oh yes, before I forget --- because of rampant and enervating jealously over the prizes previously awarded for the competition that dare not speak its name --- the former "Empress" who, because of a recent appeals court ruling can, for now, only style herself "Pretender to the Throne" --- will henceforth award only wax lips of varying sizes and discount cards for Mary's House of Depilation.
No problem, they're already lining up. Um, I'm just an observer, of course.
Okay Gene. I'll fork over the 50 bucks. Sorry I couldn't come up with a plain brown bag. But please, please give us Fluffy back. We'll love her just as much with only one ear.
New and improved!!!
I am dazed and confused.
Gene --- Congrats on the clever misdirection. Truth Social had to shut down for the first time because of what it sensed was a denial of service attack from a group of five people calling itself "Weingarten's Weenies" trying to gain access at the same time. Never happened before. Although, of course, it was founded on the basis of a humongous four-year denial of service. Anyway, all's well that ended. I assume, btw, that you have heard by now that the NYT's Maggie Haberman, who is bored out of her gourd, has uncovered the startling fact that those ubiquitous "informed sources" are Irwin, Louis, Seymour and Asher at the Temple Beth El Men's Club in Cedarhurst, NY.
Please arrange the foregoing 169 comments by funniness. Thanks.
My First Comment in all of Substack - thank you Gene for introducing me to a new adventure, silliness expected.
Actually...
I'm just here for the T-Shirt.
There is a t-shirt, ammirite? Gene?
Make sure you bitch at them like you did WaPo when they instituted their new process that got u canned!
I have a lingering sense of guilt for that conversation, because it was my comments that Gene published and seconded. Gene, I am sorry that our conversation put a bullseye on Monthly with Moron. But I'm not sorry that I thought -- and still think -- that the chat software sucked big ones.
Okay, gonna end this now. We got a lot of comments, but I'm not sure the system works right, or that people see responses in real time. We'll fix by Thursday, 1 pm.
We were all on the correct post, the only fix is you, my friend.
Wait, that was the chat?!?
What ? it happened here?? I'm lost.
Great. Just as I get here.
I would like a new word for being too lazy to google things.
On my list neighborhood list serv, "Hey, anyone know a good roofer?" I need that word for that post.
LMGTFY - Let Me Google That For You https://lmgtfy.app/
Coincidentally, I googled that for you. 😊
toolagoogle
Is this 'what do you want to talk about' or is this 'the chat'?
There was a snafu today with comments being written, inadvertently, on two different pages, only one of which had Gene. If you scroll down through the posts on this page, you 'll see all the discussion; Gene answered selected questions.
When you saw two grown men collide playing football and one of them collapsed did you immediately think, "that's clearly due to a vaccination from 18 months ago." Or, did you wonder something worse? Like his heart failed.
I thought spinal injury. I can't get that kid out of my head. Or his parents
I'm going to miss my Post enabled anonymity here. Future employers beware. S'up Gene?
Later: Yay, my pseudonym kicked in.
I was gonna say, "Hairy Plug Toupee" was probably not your name.
But it is what my mother really wanted to name me. Dad, always so traditional.
I've been reading a paper since I was 8 or 9. Started with baseball scores and comics but eventually moved to reading most all of it.
What is up w WaPo and all online news? My online Post seems to be stories on dieting, household tips, dating, advice, pets, the royal family, and about 6 top headlines. And, for the last 6 years, anything and everything about 45.
What happened to news? The entire thing just seems like click-bait now.
I suspect all papers are this way.
TV news isn't much better, but has always been inferior to print journalism.
I am not gonna comment on this but probably will in the immediate future. I am not thrilled with the Wapo these days.
Neither am I. They keep killing the best stuff in the paper, like when they killed Book World, then the Opinion section but brought back a revised Book World format to appease the masses (it didn't). When they ended your column, that was a disappointment. but they complicated it last year when, as a digital subscriber who used eReplicate to print the Samurai Sudoku for my pal, they KILLED eREPLICATE! What the FUDGE?
Will it be possible to conduct a Q&A session without resorting to poop or fart jokes?
Yes, but you will have to mention Kierkegaard.
Why are most of the comments from "me"?
They certainly aren't from me!
Because you are all that matters.
One last hairball before I go off to oral surgery. Since I've managed to run the whole business of NFT cards into the ground in these here parts, it seems only fitting that I formally suggest NFTs of the rich and infamous as a topic of derision. One for the road: Mike Pence as the long-forgotten (or ignored) Apostle Seymour, who was pulled over on his ass under the influence of Rapture and missed the final dinner. Bless this vessel and all who fail on her.
On Saturday, six days after Christmas, my wife said, “That glass thing your mom gave us looks just like a pile of poop.” I looked at it and realized she was right. It’s a multi colored piece of blown glass. Once seen, the poop can’t be unseen. We wonder if she was snickering at us during the holiday. I would send a picture to the chat if I’m knew how.
Certainly a look at the historic significance of January 3 --- a day that will live in infamy, if not give the ides of March a run for its money in the annals. With the one notable exception, of course. Actually two. Apart from the start of the New Age of Enlightenment here, Delaware voted not to secede from the United States in 1861.
* The "Know-Nothings" of the 19th century, reincarnated as the "Do-Nothings," take control of the US House of Representatives.
* Kevin McCarthy is seen bringing his own gavel to the House Chamber. Marjorie Taylor Greene overheard referring to McCarthy as "My Kevin," lending credence to the rumor that he has agreed to be her sex slave.
* Two men and a trained monkey, all purporting to be someone called "George Santos," present themselves as the duly elected representative from New York's 3rd Congressional District. Steve Harvey and a former panel from "To Tell the Truth" are called in to get to the bottom of this head-scratcher. They finally agree on the monkey, despite it wearing a little fez with "Skippy" embroidered on it.
I am pretty sure you said "anals."
Gene --- Don't know whether you're allowed out much anymore but, if you have taken in a concert or play lately, you'll probably understand why I think you're just the guy to come up with the "Weingarten Guide for the Performing Audience." Stuff like: "How to Cough On-Key," and "How to Start a Standing Ovation."
For those of you still on the fence over whether to give in to Gene's extortionate demand, I can now report that a subscription works out to be cheaper on a weekly basis than a suggested contribution to "Save the Children."
It's also MUCH more noble.
I see no homages to ME as of yet. I suggest you work on that. It’s important. But what do you mean, what will we call it? You and Pat host a contest, combine the best ideas, and our new life free of corporate pressure and profiteering will begin!
Cats! Your essay on your cat sent me into a fit of giggles. Yes, I shamelessly shared it. There are many "cat" people on the SI site right now. How about something like, "How to tell whether your cat is spying on you?" or "What do cats do when you're not home -- the secret life of cats." I just read (can't remember where) about a woman with a 2-bedroom condo and 13 cats. She mustn't have an HOA, but HOAs are a whole other chat. Anyway, this read gave me a thought, "Why don't cats change their own litter?" Honestly, Gene, these are burning questions, and you'd be such a great discussion leader, even if you don't still own cats.
Do birds have length? No. I've already debunked the notion on my publication. That said, if you really think it's possible to codify the beginning and end of a bird such that all birds can have their lengths fairly compared, it's time you explain.
Birds are all four inches long.
As far as the ones you get to see in person, yeah, I guess that’s true.
Gene --- Time to address job title inscrutability. Short of an aptonym, it's gotten to the point where it's almost impossible to know what someone does these days --- either from their title, or what they really do from 9:00-11:30 am, the hours they actually work. Now you would think an oologist, for example, was an expert in pleasurable expressions, wouldn't you ? But you would be wrong. It's someone who studies bird eggs. nests and breeding behavior. Presumably with the cooperation of the birds.
Someone who studies cancer in eggs would be an
oncoooologist
Gene --- Perhaps an expert opinion on what Elon Musk is really up to --- as sanitation conditions continue to deteriorate at Twitter HQ. There are persistent rumors that this all part of a money-making scheme to develop a new infectious disease -- in no small part to get back at Bill Gates for some imagined slight. Or alternatively --- that in addition to all of the obvious conditions --- he suffers from "Pigpen Syndrome."
🤣
I know Gene stopped doing Comic Pick of the Week when he became a comics writer, and I imagine this Substack won't be nearly as Post-centric as the old chat, but: any thoughts on the end of Patrick Reynolds's Flashbacks, and its replacement by Popeye, in the Sunday comics? Or of the decision to do a feature story on Funky Winkerbean even though the Post didn't carry it?
I will, in fact, now be free to comment on the comics, though that will probably mean The Post will instantly cancel Barney & Clyde, my comic strip. I loved Flashbacks. It was really corny and terribly drawn, but delightful in its own way. I learned a lot from it, actually.
Extremely long false eyelashes are the 2023 equivalent of the 1970’s leisure suit and will be similarly ridiculed for years to come. Discuss.
My wife told me that part of Elizabeth Taylor's look was that she had double rows of eyelashes. Seemed gross to me. Too lazy to google and see if it's true.
My daughter's blue eyes look violet when she wears a shirt that is periwinkle blue in color, a color some would call violet instead of periwinkle. Blue eyes are like that- they tend to reflect the color you're wearing thus my blue-grey eyes look blue when I'm wearing blue but more grey when wearing other colors.
This is why I never wear red
Blue! So, you know, making a flat-tired joke about looking Halloweeny
I kind of also hate tank tops. Exposing belly buttons. Are those still a thing?
I am reliably informed by Rachel, just now, that the proper term is crop tops. I apologize for any misunderstanding.
Many here are saying (and if not, should be..) that this is a shameless money grab --- down to the NFTs. Although I do kind of like the ones of you as Mark Twain and Pat as E.B. White (or is that the Marquis de Sade ?).
Gene --- One of those polling outfits (you'd think they'd take a break every once in a while, wouldn't you ?) found that the average American wouldn't know funny even if George Santos read his bio in front of them. Apparently a sense of humor is rapidly become a recessive trait or, an ignored option --- much like car turn signals. WaPo is making a half-hearted effort to hold back the decline by keeping Henry Olsen and Marc Thiessen on as columnists and yet, disappeared you, the Empress and the competition that dare not speak its name. So --- what's to be done ? Should we have a national Jester Laureate along with the poet one ? A HumorUS agency ? Attention must be paid.
What animals would you eat if food became scarce? Including insects etc
Ok of the people you know, who’s pet would you eat first? I know people who have pet chickens...
i will eat anything. I have eaten raw lobster. I would eat a hamster or rat if properly prepared.
Peru awaits! Cuy (aka Guinea Pig) is tender and sweet like rabbit. Capybara is another tasty rodent. But I think I will never eat them again.
Yes I know. This probably constitutes harassment, but the mediocre suggestions just keep coming. The worst ideas you've recently come across. The most amusing things you've read lately. Not mutually exclusive, of course. For example ---anything to do with George Santos (or whatever his name is) and Marjorie Taylor Greene as a member of the House Committee on Science, Space, and Technology.
Topiary. There must be a robust discussion on topiary, amirite?
It is pending.
How about the unpopular opinion? That's been keeping me tuned in for what? Fifteen years? since you mentioned it
Gene --- How about contemporary reimaginings of the great (or at least well-known) aphorisms, adages, proverbs, quotes and the like ? Something along the lines of: "I have not yet begun to fight...the heartbreak of dandruff." Or ---"You can’t make an omelette without...taking out a second mortgage." " If you scratch my back...I'll knee you in the groin." "Laugh, and the world laughs with you; urinate, and you pee alone." That kind of thing. Only better.
Already a request for updates on Chat Woman, can we also get other former WaPo writers as special guests? The ole Reliable Source gals, Liz, Jen Chaney? Anyone else from the peak chat days of the mid aughts? The dude who loved squirrels?
Chatwoman, Liz Kelly, will probably sign in shortly. She cannot be away from me. And was also the brilliant reason this chat exists. I hear she is currently president of Nicaragua, but she'll fill you in.
Okay Gene. Time to get serious. Sorry --- just kidding. No seriously... Topics, you say. How about what is funny these days and related ---is everything fair game for those in the humor business ? Seemingly ordinary things that annoy ? Why is Elon Musk here ? What should be included in the Donald J. Trump Presidential Bookmobile and Gift Shop ? Are Ivanka and Jared really on the outs ? Does anyone care ? What was found in several of the boxes the FBI removed from Mar-a-Lago, but so far has not been revealed ? Exactly how many Hunter Biden laptops are there ? Is it true that an expose of Russian interference in The Style Invitational was spiked at WaPo ? How far is Kevin McCarthy willing to go to get the gavel and is it true he has been practicing at home with one he bought ? What is the real reason Lauren Boebert is no longer allowed at the mean girls table ? Does she sleep with her Glock uncovered ? Better stop. Think I pulled something.
I know it's wrong, but I will forever and always wonder about the The One Opinion You Cannot Name. Mostly, I'm just excited to see where this goes! Especially if politics goes spectacularly off the rails for the how-many-hundredths year in a row. I've missed your sanity during the orange one's era.
I expected this question, and prepared for it. Many years ago, I noted that I had an opinion about a significant social issue that I could not express: Not that I was embarrassed by it, but that it would hurt many people who had done nothing wrong. A few close friends know what this opinion was, and most of them agree with me, but all of them said I cannot publicly express it. That still exists. So, no. You'll never get it. Sorry!
Delighted as I am to be part of this elite community, I do have one nit to pick with you. Why do you invite us to "gift" a subscription to your substack instead of "give" one? To be fair, a lot of sites employ that verbiage, so you're in good company. But I guess I missed the memo about nouns making better verbs than, well, actual verbs.
Gene is just being on (cringeworthy) trend. Turning nouns into verbs has become an epidemic ---whether it's because nouns (and other words) are becoming endangered or disappearing altogether under unabated texting or, for some other nonsensical reason I'll come up with later. The word wonks call it denominalization. So "gifting" and "keyboarding." Sure. "Efforting." If you insist. But it's not only your common, everyday nouns which are under attack. There are those (gasp!) proper nouns. You have to effort to "Houdini" your way out of a sticky situation. Or to "Trump" up a grievance. Where will it end !?
If I asked you to contact me about it, would you be offended at my horrible verbing of the noun?
Not at all. I would be horrified, but not offended. One can never be offended by royalty. I think that's in the Magna Carta or Divine Right for Dummies. One of those publications..
So you wouldn't use "contact" as a verb because it offends your sensibilities?
I would use it only under special circumstances. Like when there's an attempt to communicate by extraterrestrial intelligence. I think "get in touch" somehow just doesn't cut it.
Just don't say "reach out" or Gene will cancel your subscription.
Please tell me .. who is the Gangster of Love? I must know.
ISBN 0140245154
The Gangster of Love is Anthony Scaramucci.
Wouldn’t Scaramucci only be the Gangster of Love for a very short time?
Is he then also the pompatus of love?
Gene, thank god you’re back. I would like a poll regarding the use of the vilest of vegetables…the green pepper. I know your thoughts regarding cilantro of which you are assuredly wrong (sorry) but I stay awake at night thinking about your response to the ubiquitous use of this vegetable in home cookery and how it infects everything it touches with its sharp, unripe, dirty flavours. You will notice that this repulsive vegetable is never found in fine dining yet is the darling of most American home kitchens. I could also get on board with removing all green-pepper lovers from this chat but that’s just me and I am known to be cruel.
If you think it's easy being green,
A hated pepper that would be,
Just add a vowel for something Greene,
More detested than me.
Nicely done! Margarine Trailer Grease remaining in Congress is worthy of extreme parody.
I not only abhor green peppers, I am allergic to them. Please deliver us from their presence, especially in salsa. Green is not "jalapeño" you cretins!
It is in the Midwest
I am just so DELIRIOUSLY HAPPY to have found where Gene landed -- I've been searching for him every so often -- he must be SOMEwhere -- and here he is! Best New Year's present ever!!!!
And the Style Invitational too? There IS a God!!!
I, too, abhor the green pepper.
As my newspaper subscriptions fade into the past, what online-only entities most deserve my time and money? Or should I continue to subscribe to a paper?
geneweingarten.substack.com
Welcome back Gene! I have no question, just glad to be alive after the last 2 1/2 years.
But since I’m here. Do you think there’s any saving Texas and Florida from their own doing?
I have tried. The answer is "no."
George Santos. I have nothing but disdain for such a shyster, such a a complete and utter fraud. I say "nothing", but I also somehow have bones-deep pity for the man. He's utterly unfit for *any* public office, given his unmoored-from-reality "resume", but I'd like to have a discussion on what Santos means for us in general, and our current zeitgeist. If our ship were 100% righted, Santos would never have been elected, he'd be given the mental health support he clearly needs, rather than being a few days shy of being sworn in as a US Representative. Santos (that sick bastard, object of disdain/pity) isn't the cause of our democratic crisis, but he is a symptom. Big Lies spawn any number of small lies -- until they aren't.
I deeply, deeply condemn your description of Mr. Santos as a "shyster," a word that applies most prominently to Jewish lawyers. He appears not to be a Jew, as I am, with the appropriate nose and fatalistic sense of humor, but Jew-ISH, like -- I dunno -- Adam Sandler or somebody. Get your terms right.
I’m American but have lived in England since 2009 and I’m feeling it from both sides. If it’s any consolation, the U.K. has just as many/similar problems and liars getting away with big lies is just a small part of it. I think we could expand your topic to the world and then really feel helpless in the face of it all...
I first fell in love with your column when you wrote about your dogs and called one of them, Zippy, your emergency back up dog. I have since learned how important that is. I hope to always have at least two dogs, so I always have an emergency back up dog. Looking forward to this conversation because just by reading the comments so far I feel I am amongst my kind.
I think you're thinking of Dave Barry, who often wrote about his dogs Earnest (the large main dog) and Zippy (the small emergency dog). Gene lives his life on the edge and would never bother with an emergency backup dog, but he has intermittently had other backup pets, including cats and at least one bird.
Oops!
OH MY!!! LOL!!
Sally, that was Dave Barry. Unless you were teasing.
It's Okay, Sal. I loved your book, "Up the Down Staircase."
hahahaha. :)
Assuming you still have sources at the Post, what the heck is going on?
I have no idea. It's really bad.