Week 31: The Tile Invitational X

No, Elon hasn't bought us, yet. It's our 10th running of this coin-a-word game. Plus pangram sentences that leave ‘quick brown fox’ in the dust.

LARDY ’UN:  What Cletus is becoming now that the Hog Maw Buffet opened up down the street.  

HAS WAND:  Part of Harry Potter’s Tinder profile. 

MALPUKE:  Dry heaves.

LE GLOB:  Is it true that the French had a term of endearment for President Trump?  

In other words, you are going to have to to make new words from ScrabbleGrams letter sets, which you’ll see below, right after we foist on you, as is our annoying habit …

The Gene Pool Gene Poll!

Which is the funniest of these three jokes?

Joke one: Q: Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? A: He worked it out with a pencil.

Joke two: Woman walks into a bar. Says to the bartender, “I’d like an entendre. Make it a double.” So he gives it to her.

Joke three: Did you know that if you hold your ear up to a stranger’s crotch on the beach you can actually hear it say "what the f— are you doing?”

Rack-Tile Dysfunction: ScrabbleGrams neologisms, Week 31

The Tile Invitational neologism contest carries on in its tenth iteration, a concept of Obsessive Loser Jeff Contompasis, who is also obsessive about the venerable only-in-print ScrabbleGrams word game, which appears daily in The Washington Post’s comics pages, under “Blondie.” Blondie herself, by the way,  is 93 years old, but still very attractive.

Mr. Contompasis, or JefCon, as his legions of fans call him, regularly emails the Empress of The Invitational to point out that, for example, “I disagree with the 2/22 ScrabbleGrams solution.”  A much better anagram for OEAOSCB, he opined that day, would be “BOOCASE: Shelves containing the works of ghostwriters.”   

AT THIS ORANGE LINK THAT YOU CLICK ON RIGHT HERE is a list of 33 letter sets, the four above from this past Tuesday’s WaPo, the rest from the decades-old Big Book of ScrabbleGrams; each unscrambles into a real word, but of course that’s not the one we want. For Week 31: Rearrange the letters of any of the letter sets to create a new term, then define or describe it, as in the examples above. Your word may use all 7 letters or just 6,  but you may use each letter in the set only once.  (So if there are two L’s, you can use them both, but if there’s just one L, you can’t use it twice.)  There’s a good chance that another Loser will make up the same word you did, so having a funny definition or description (e.g., a sample sentence) can be what gets you the ink.

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to bit.ly/inv-form-31. As usual, you can submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same entry form. Important: See the word list for how to format your entries.

Deadline is Saturday, Aug. 12, at 4 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Aug. 17.

This week’s winner gets a bananaduck.

Bananaduck. (temu.com)

Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of ten nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a sweet email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for those who’ve just lost their Invite virginity.

Abcdaring: Pangram sentences from Week 29

In Week 29 we asked for zingier pangrams — sentences that use all 26 letters of the alphabet — than the hoary “The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.” A number of Losers offered takes on that very line: our favorites were The quick brown fox kvells over the gimpy junkyard shih tzu (Chris Doyle); Quick brown fox, revise jumping plan – the dog is no longer lazy! (Duncan Stevens); and in a bit of sublime minimalism, The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy god (Mark Asquino).  

Third runner-up:  “Jeez, if only I were an ex-slave!” the uniquely unskilled campaigner bellowed. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.),

Second runner-up: Boobies can be artificial, perky, juglike, or even X-rated, but blue-footed ones with quills may be the zaniest. (Kathy El-Assal, Middleton, Wis.)

First runner-up: Crave a fun new joke?
Q: Why did the ex-Prez shun the new MAGA-Barbie doll?
A: Nothing to grab her by!  (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

And the winner of the ancient plush-cat cellphone cover: After cutting off his ear, Van Gogh examined himself in a mirror and joked, “That was a real doozy – I can wax only half eloquent, but at least I save fifty percent on Q-tips.” (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

Alphabeaten: Honorable mentions

As God is my witness, I’ll never be hungry again, thanks to Cracker Jack, Trix, Cocoa Puffs, Smorz, and NesQuik. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Dolls for Liberty join movie boycott after ex-Prez questions whether Ken is transitioning. (Steve Smith)

Pop quiz: How do you find a just-divorced guy’s billions?  A: Ex marks the spot. (Mark Raffman)

Acquitted of sex assault charges by a jury was manizer Kevin Spacey. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Jury found Kevin Spacey, like ex-bigwig Trump, can squeeze crotches. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

Ex-Prez sulks, wanting quick verdict from jury. Boo-hoo.  (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

Ew, Zaxby’s quick meal is just oven-fried gopher.  (Jon Carter, Fredericksburg, Va. — our shortest inking entry this week, fitting all 26 letters into just 38 total)

Fla. bans most letters — “can spell naughty words!” Alphabet’s now just IKQVXZ. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Foxworthy: “Zip-tied live on ‘Cops’ in ‘Q’ PJs? You might be a redneck!” (Jon Carter)

I’m sesquipedalian, but look, so are my friends — so nobody exclaims in jealous amazement when I whip out my huge vocabulary. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

“It was a Donald and Stormy night” — “Vixen and the Beast” is just quick, puffy sleaze. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)    

I‘d be partying and dancing waltzes tonight, except people wave me off and yell, “Just quit, klutz!” (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.)

My boy got expelled from school — with zero equivocation — just for cursing! I told him that’s fucked up. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

On the fifth day of Xmas my “true love” gave to me:  Five onion rings!  Four chicken wings, three French dips, two juicy subs, and a Double Quarter Pounder with cheez. (Mark Raffman)

Pickleball—aka “ping pong plus”—fazes exacting neighbors who enjoy mad-quiet living. (Leif Picoult)

Q: To be, or not? Just suffer crazy woes or mix it up and give life heck? (Jesse Frankovich)

The Florida governor’s campaign would ban queer sex, history books, and jazz. (Gary Crockett)

The toy box held a Pez dispenser, five jacks, a card game, aquatic gear, a Barbie, and a dildo. What?!! (Kathy El-Assal)  

The turkey’s on the table; dinner's ready — nix the stressing!
You pop back in the kitchen for the gravy and the dressing.
But just when you return, it seems there’s been a canine theft:
The turkey’s looking quirky 'cause the gizzard's all that's left.
(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)  

Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas, Texas, Arizona, Jersey, Idaho, Mississippi, or Quebec anymore! (Gary Crockett)

Twitter vizier’s lame remake, “X”: Fuggedaboutit! Hey, just an idea: cater to Trumpers, try “Q.” (Duncan Stevens)

When traveling, it’s great to find a bathroom that is nice;
The extra-clever French dreamed up a quality device!
A zappy spray from their bidet will make you fresh and clean;
They’re now all over Europe, so rejoice when you’re a-peein’! (Beverley Sharp)

Zuckerberg may be a shanda for the goyim, but never question that Musk is an asshole who just prescribed himself Preparation X. (Sam Mertens)

And Last:
The judgy Czar and Empress seek
A quipful inbox every week. (Jesse Frankovich)

And Even Laster:  A man, a plan, a canal ... ugh, wrong wordplay! “Bvtzijxkfq!” Loser curses. (Duncan Stevens)

The headline “ABCDaring” is by Dave Prevar; Jesse Frankovich wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. The headline “Rack-Tile Dysfunction” is also by Jesse, from an earlier Tile Invitational contest.

Still running — deadline 4 p.m. ET Saturday, Aug. 5: Our Week 30 contest for bad ideas for reader polls. Click here or type in bit.ly/inv-week-30. 

See more about The Invitational, including our 2,600-member Facebook group, the Losers’ website, and our podcast.

Okay, so now we entreat you. The Gene Pool has many thousands of people around the country and globe who read us weekly for free, and many hundreds who pay us a little money ($4.15 a month). Will you take the graceful, gazelle-like leap from the first group to the second, upgrading from “free” to “paid”? If you scratch our backs, we’ll scratch yours. Literally. Gene will come over to your house and scratch your back. Here’s how to arrange it:

Here come your questions and observations, with Gene’s answers. Please keep refreshing the page; from this point on, the Gene Pool is live, in real time, from roughly noon to roughly 1 ET. Among other things today, you will be getting some reader-submitted Googlenopes, which are phrases that return no hits when entered, between quotes, into the Google search engine.

Q: Maybe you don't want to get into it, and I would understand, but....Trump's latest indictment. I'm no lawyer but already, he and his lawyers are arguing that since he really, truly, fervently believed that the election was stolen, there was no crime and it's a first amendment issue. Firstly, it's pretty obvious that no one stopped him from spouting the lies. Especially not by the government which is what the First amendment covers. Secondly, in the many cases someone commits murder of a spouse, parent or even a child because they really, truly, fervently believed that God told them that that person was possessed by the devil, do we not prosecute for murder? Well maybe not because the accused has been deemed unfit to stand trial due to mental illness. So, does Trump prefer the slammer or the nut house? 

A: This is a good question!  Instant Gene Pool Gene Poll:   

TIMELY TIP: If you’re reading this right now on an email:   Click here to get to my webpage, then click on the top headline (In this case, “The Tile Invitational … “) for the full column, and comments, and real-time questions and answers. And you can refresh and see new questions and answers that appear as I regularly update the post from about noon to 1 p.m. ET Tuesday.

Q: I always skip the Invitational entries in favor of the questions and answers. Just how terrible am I?

A: You are not terrible, and I’m sure I would respect you for many other reasons – your kindness to the elderly, for example, and that cute thing you do when you are half asleep – but you are humor impaired.   

Q: Penises and grapefruits.”   I am not sure why this is a Googlenope, but I like it. 

A: Me, too.

Q: What is the funniest word that rhymes with “truth”? 

A: It’s a phrase.  “Loose tooth.”   But also vermouth.   And forsooth.  And Babe Ruth.  Babe Ruth was hilarious.   He once said:  “I’ll promise to go easier on drinking and to get to bed earlier, but not for you, fifty thousand dollars, or two-hundred and fifty thousand dollars will I give up women. They’re too much fun.”

Q: Gene, have often wondered if being probed by an alien is similar to the Digital Rectal Exam. Can you shed any light on the matter ?

A: Look here is all I can say.  Getting a prostate exam makes you feel that you are pooping and peeing into a doctor’s hands, simultaneously. I know women have even worse experiences, stirrup wise, and I am not trying to one-up the ladies in their horror, but holy crap.

Q: Just want to say that Plan 9 is my favorite movie ever, bar none. Really. Makes me laugh until I drool on myself, every time. Also, the TIm Burton movie about Ed Wood was pretty great, too. I first watched that with a spouse that had not yet seen any of Ed's work. All through the movie, I had to keep telling her, "You think this is exaggerated, but it really isn't."

A: Absolutely correct.

Q: No results found for "I once downed a jug of butternut squash consomme "

A: Also correct. .

Q: Googlenopes: "How to clear your browser’s cookies and cream," "intercollegiate dentistry," "How can i increase my property tax bill" "A load-bearing grease and jelly sandwich" "The wisdom of Eric Trump" and "The Donald Trump diet plan.”

A: Thank you.

Q: Early on in the Gene Pool you offered to write a no-holds-barred biography of winner of a contest. Was there a winner?

A: Never did it.  It was an idea I abandoned.  I was going to offer to write a feature story – or a bit of doggerel – about anyone who found me 20 new subscribers to the Gene Pool.  I still like the idea but wasn’t persuaded people would do it.   

Q: What do you think about the MLB teams that have sold advertising on their uniform sleeves? And have you noticed that depending on what side is the plate they bat on defines which sleeve gets the ad? Done that way for maximum TV exposure. The Quikrete Atlanta Braves is perhaps the worst. - Steve G

A: The Kleenex Yankees Hankies.  

Q: As a reader of the Detroit Free Press for several decades up until we retired to Israel, I was surprised to learn you'd been there. So tell me, what was it like there?  

A: It was like this. 

Q: When you say that “Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness” seems more brilliant than “Life, Liberty and Property”, that may be true but the Declaration of Independence is more of a philosophical and political document while the Constitution must serve as a legal document. The Fifth and Fourteenth Amendments provide a legally enforceable guarantee of Life, Liberty and Property unless the person is given Due Process of Law. Imagine a court case where someone claims that they are being denied their “pursuit” of some kind of “happiness”. That is too vague to be a legally enforceable right, while “property” is more concrete.- Ted Dreyer

A: This is very boring, Ted.  You are a lawyer, right? You are, right? I nailed you, right?

Q: How much money would Elon Musk have to pay you to buy the Style Invitational? - Chris Baker, Reston VA

A: I’d have to discuss it with Pat. We are equal partners. I am thinking $12-17 million dollars, but much of that would to to the Losers.

Calling us down now. Send in questions, observations, complaints here.