We Are Not Making This Up

Hello. We’re going to have a brief talk here with Dave Barry. That’s Dave, above. When I asked him for a photo, that’s what he sent me.

So, today marks the launching of Dave Barry’s Substack, which is findable right here.

Me: Why the hell are you doing this? It's a really bad way to spend your declining years. Trust me on this.

Dave: I took a long hard look at the Internet — yes, the entire Internet — and I felt there was simply not enough misinformation available. I aim to rectify that. FYI, “Rectify” sounds like it should be a dirty word, but it’s not.

Me: There has been some grumbling among the masses that Substack -- which prides itself on promoting untrammeled free speech -- shouldn't be giving voice to far-right shit-flingers. How do you, personally, intend to deal with this?

Dave: Deal with what? The grumbling? The shit-flinging? Whatever it is, I will rectify it.

Me: Have you anything to add, from continued research over these many years, about the need to refrigerate catsup or mustard once they are opened? I spelled catsup that way just to annoy you.

Dave: The science is settled on the fact — every leading scientist in the world agrees on this — that there is no need to refrigerate mustard or ketchup. As for “catsup,” scientists tell us there is no such thing.

Me: Similarly, are you yet ready to admit that the proper punchline is "But first, a little roo-roo?"

Dave: You are such an idiot.

Me: If you were going to do a poll of readers about their views of Donald Trump, what would be your first question? It has to be yes-no.

Dave: My first question, although it’s not yes-no, would have to be “How do I do a poll?" Because I don’t know how to do polls yet. Once I figure that out my first yes-no question would be: “Do you have any views on Donald Trump?"

Me: UFC Featherweight fighter Bryce Mitchell yesterday called Hitler "a good guy." Do you have any comment on this?

Dave: Not to his face, no.

Me: You are married to a Jewish woman. My question is -- in general -- what are the principal weaknesses of Jewish women, in your experience?

Dave: I would say the principal weakness of Jewish women is that they are reluctant to tell you what’s on their mind.

Ha ha! I am of course joking. Jewish women have NO KNOWN WEAKNESSES.

Me: What is the stupidest single sentence -- or even clause -- that you ever wrote?

Dave: That would be any random sentence from my commencement speech to the Pleasantville (N.Y.) High School graduating class of 1965. It was all vacuous insincere bullshit, and I have fortunately forgotten most of it, but I do recall telling my classmates that although Bob Dylan (he was new then) said that the answer was blowin’ in the wind, in fact the answer would come from the PHS Class of ’65. Which it definitely did not, whatever the hell the question was.

Me: Do you have any thoughts on Indian food?

Dave: I defer to you on that, Mister Sensitive.

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So that’s it for today! Except for the obligatory invitation to send in Thoughts and Observations:

And today’s Gene Pool Gene Poll:

See you all soon. Maybe tomorrow!

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I have decided not to unattractively trawl for cash today. Which means you probably should send some. It’s $4.15 a month.