Truth or Consequences
Earthquake seismology graph
From my emailbag:
Gene Weingarten, This is Perry Byerley with the Student Loan Debt Department. This is not the first time we've tried to reach you. Your case has been flagged as TIME-SENSITIVE, and we've exhausted our attempts to notify you. Our records indicate that you may be eligible for Student Loan Forgiveness under the new 2025 guidelines. We attempted to reach you at home, but no response was received. If we do not hear back from you within 24 hours, your eligibility may be permanently forfeited. Final Warning: This case is set to close, and we cannot hold your file open any longer. Please call me on Monday to confirm your eligibility before your file is closed. If you do not act, the system will assume you have chosen to decline your benefits and will remove your eligibility status. Thank You - Perry Byerley
—
So now I’m on the phone.
Me: Hi, I’d like to speak to Mr. Perry Byerley.
Matt: He’s just in intake. We handle the cases. I assume you have debts of $8,000 or more…?
Me: Probably. I was hoping you could tell me, since you evidently have all my records. I worry that I have passed that deadline and forfeited my chance.
Matt: I can pull it up here. What is your name?
Me: I believe you have it. It’s on the letter.
Matt:
Me: Gene Weingarten.
Matt: Nice to meetcha. Date of birth?
Me: October 2, 1951.
Matt: Social Security Number?
Me: I’m not going to tell you that, yet. First, I’d like you to tell me about the debt I owe, and from what school. You know, to refresh my memory.
Matt: I can give you a phone number at the federal government, and they can give you that information and then you can bring it back to me and I can help you out.
Me: I see.
Matt: Are you ready for the phone number? It’s Federal Student Aid. The number is 1-800 - 433-3243
Me: So do you know who Perry Byerley is?
Matt:
Me: I did a search of his name. There has only been one Perry Byerley on Earth, as far as I can tell. He usually spelled it Byerly.
A geophysicist and seismologist, an expert in earthquakes. His PHD thesis was titled Dispersion of Energy Without Dispersion of Frequencies in Transverse Elastic Waves in the Earth. Mount Byerly, a major peak in Antarctica, was named after him. A most impressive guy, evidently.
Matt:
Me: He might be working for you as an intake guy, but he would be 128 years old.
Matt:
Me: Also, your office never tried to reach me. Also, I never had a student loan. Not one. My parents paid for everything.
Matt: Then why are you wasting my time when I could be helping someone else?
Me: I don’t think you guys are helping anybody but yourselves.
Matt: Click
—
Okay, that’s it.
Got any personal scam stories? Send ‘em here:
Today’s extraneous Gene Pool Gene Poll:
See you Thursday, in The Invitational.
I’m a man with a husband. When scammers ask for the lady of the house, I lower my voice and say “speaking “.
I get an number of calls for Medicare Advantage. I let them go on for a bit until I ask if it bothers them that they are trying to rip off senior citizens.