THUUUUH Guy is Dead!!

This is a tribute to John Sterling, a notorious dork. He died today at 87.

Sterling was the long-time New York Yankees broadcaster who coined the most brilliant game-winning call I have ever heard. It was stupid and silly and technically inexplicable. It was simply the plebeian phrase “The Yankees Win!” But Sterling did not emphasize the “win,” which would have made a lot of sense, or “Yankees,” which would have made a little sense, but the “The.”

Sterling was not intellectually nimble — he made some hilarious gaffes over the years -- so he might not have thought through the subtle semiotics of his call, but it had a certain genius to it. He was proclaiming his team THE team in all of baseball.

Sterling threw his whole body and being into that call. No one was watching him — he was strictly a radio guy — but he did a wild shoulder shimmy to get the tremolo effect he wanted. This call was his life.

He was a sweet and kind man, and also a tough motherfucker. Check this out:

—

John Sterling was, above all, a dork. He was the dork’s dork. Whenever a Yankee hit a home run, he would follow his call with a painful pun on the guy’s name.

Alex Rodriguez: “An A-bomb from A-Rod!”

Hideki Matsui: “A thrilla from Godzilla!”

Brett Gardner: “Gardner plants one!”

Aaron Judge: “All rise! Here comes the Judge!

Mark Teixeira: “He sends a Tex message!”

Gleyber Torrez: “Like a good Gleyber, Torres is there!”

Sterling was not not self-important. He was self-effacing. He was unpretentious. He watched and laughed at his many blooper reels. He never worried about making fun of himself, and sometimes the results were almost … beautiful. Click the video:

—

I think we live in a lousy place today, a country being run on belligerence and selfishness and breathtaking cynicism. The president is a vainglorious fool who never admits error. Young people want to become “influencers” — shameless corporate shills who earn a lot. Self-promotion is seen as a virtue.

We could use some more wonderful dorks like John. As he takes his victory trot around the bases, I’ll give the cornball call: “Hi-Ho Silver. You’re pure Sterling, John!”

—

Today’s first Gene Pool Gene Poll:

—

From the mailbag:

Q: You asked about special talents of which we are inordinately proud. I have an eye for measuring length, weight and volume. Want a pound of ground beef? I can carve off exactly 1.002 lbs from a five pound package. Want three cups of broth? I don’t need no stinking measuring cup - I just poured it in. Outside of the kitchen I can tell you the width of a window frame and how many bags of dirt to fill up that big planter in your front yard. Go ahead, ask me how much I think you weigh. I get it within about 3 kilos.

A: Go for it.

—

Q: I am inordinately proud of the fact that yesterday I tried on my senior prom dress, and it fits. The prom was in 1972.

The only thing keeping me from being obnoxiously proud is withholding my name from your readers. No name, please! Unless you make one up for me. – Clytemnestra DeNunkyhaven

A: Thanks. I did.

—

Q: So. In reference to your awesome parking job. How did you get out without hitting either car?

A: I didn’t. Nor did I get IN without hitting either car. There is a trick to this. You very, very slow move in both directions until you lightly tap their bumper. To maneuver, you need every millimeter you can get.

And no, I find nothing wrong with this at all, so long as you do no damage. No ding. There’s a reason it is called a bumper.

Good. That’s it for today.