The Invitational Week 9: Film Flim-Flam

Use all the letters in a movie title to make a new movie. Plus out-there art concepts.

Win me and I’ll pop my organs out just for you!

Good afternoon. As always, most of the remainder of this Gene Pool introduction will be drenched in The Invitational. As usual, however, we begin with a brief, alarmingly apocalyptic Gene Pool Gene Poll. It’s two questions long.

The redoubtable Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene of Georgia recently proposed a Master Plan for Saving America By Killing It. Summarizing mightily: She believes red states and blue states should split apart in a sort of mutual secession, or what she calls “a national divorce.” Governance would mostly be self-governance by state — red states, the new Gilead, could legalize prayer in the schools, spanking trans people, etc., via the majority will of their people. Blue states could keep letting illegal immigrants go on public assistance, steal all the womenfolk, etc. The role of the federal government would be that it’s dragged to the bathtub and drowned into semi-consciousness. Under her plan, the Defense Department would largely be in charge of protecting our borders for the red states, since the blue states don’t seem to care. And so forth. Also — this is verbatim — any Democrat who moves to a red state cannot vote there for five years.

Many people noted, correctly, this would be unconstitutional, and, um, treasonous. But, of course, so was firing on Fort Sumter. Surprisingly, perhaps, some legitimate pundits say they are alarmed by the very airing of this idea, given the lamentable political polarization (even hatred of The Other) in the country.

The concept of a national divorce has actually been lurking in hard-right circles for years but now seems to be mainstreaming. Several commentators point to a reputable 2021 poll showing that 50 percent of Trump voters and 40 percent of Biden voters agreed or partially agreed that the country should split up, with either red or blue states seceding. Some reasonable pundits say that even just publicly discussing this proposal, giving it a feel of validity, could be the first step to violence in the streets, or maybe some sort of tangible civil war.

Voila, the Gene Pool Gene Poll. Two questions. The first was asked, verbatim, by that 2021 poll.

Question: The situation in America is such that I would favor [Blue/Red] states seceding from the union to form their own separate country.

The second question is from me.

Is Marjorie Taylor Greene’s proposal …

1) A loony idea that will never gain enough traction to create a threat to anything.

2) A loony idea that is dangerous on its face and could lead to violence.

3) Very possibly the first step toward an actual civil war.

4) Isn’t quite as crazy as it sounds.

Aaaand we’re off to The Invitational.

By Pat Myers and Gene Weingarten,  Empress and Czar of The Invitational 

CASABLANCA > SCAN ALL CANS, ABS:  Trying to forget Ilsa, Rick hits the beach and checks out the babes.

STAR WARS > SWAT WARTS, TATS:  Hard up for work after the Empire is defeated, Luke Skywalker offers to use his lightsaber to remove skin  growths and fix bad tattoos.

CATS > SCAT, CAST – STAT!: Realizing that his movie is going to be an embarrassing flop, a director releases all the actors from their contracts.

This week’s Invitational contest comes at the  suggestion of Duncan Stevens, who’s such a Loser that he keeps failing to lose our contests:  He’s won the whole thing 23 times –  including the past two weeks – since he started Inviting in 2012.  For Week 9:  Use all the letters in a movie title – as many times as you like, but at least once, and only those letters –  to coin a new movie title, and describe it, as Duncan does above.  You could also quote a line from the new movie.   Relating your answer to the original movie is a good idea but not required.  All that’s required is to be funny, as it was in 2021 when we did a similar contest involving TV shows.

Click here for this week’s entry form.   Please read the EZ formatting directions on the form, so we don’t have to blahblah them here. 

Deadline is 4 p.m. ET Saturday, March 11. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, March 16.

Winner receives  Panic Pete, a classic (since 1950 – it has a Wikipedia page!) stress toy whose little-ball eyes, ears, and mouth all pop out on stems when you squeeze him, then relax when you do.  Donated by the ever-serene Dave Prevar.  It’s the face that greeted you at the top of this post. 

 First Offenders receive the Fir Stink for their first ink: a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener.”   

The results of Week 7 are below, but first, two paragraphs of boring but necessary boilerplate:

After the intro (which you are reading now), there will be some early questions and answers  added on –  and then I'll keep adding them as the hour progresses and your fever for my opinions grows and multiplies and metastasizes.  To see those later Q&As,  just refresh your screen every once in a while. 

As always, you can also leave comments. They’ll congregate at the bottom of the post, and allow you to annoy and hector each other and talk mostly amongst yourselves. Though we will stop in from time to time.

Hooting Gallery:  Fool-Arty Concepts From Invitational Week 7

On the anniversary of Andy Warhol’s death, we asked for audaciously funny ideas for contemporary artworks.  The Czar elected to rerun this very old contest because he recently got just such an idea and wanted a pretext to brag about it right here, in boldface, in The Invitational:  “Display 75 Toblerone bars, each labeled with the name of the airport at which it was purchased.”    

One amusing insider fact: We were going to run this excellent entry:  “A section of lead pipe mounted on a plaque, upon which is written, “Ceci est une pipe.”  And then we discovered this.   

Okay, the final results:

Third runner-up:  A live pine tree that has been sculpted to look like a cellphone tower.   (Jeff Rackow, Bethesda, Md.) 

Second runner-up: An artist struggles to close her overly full suitcase, stuffing in the items that spill over the sides, sitting and bouncing on the top, getting the zipper to finally complete its task, and then wrestles a compression strap to fasten around the middle.  She calls the performance piece “Size 6 Jeans.” (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.) 

First runner-up:  Before you enter the gallery, you are sprayed with water. You go in, and you are assigned a spot to stand in front of a wall. On the wall are a splash of fresh paint and a pair of googly eyes. You remain there while the paint watches you dry.  (Neal Starkman, Seattle) 

And the winner of the children’s educational book The Gas We Pass: The Story of Farts:   A display of expensive but broken vases, bone china teacups, Fabergé eggs, etc., each accompanied by a description of the object and the excuse of the child who broke it: “This vase with gold inlay was made in 1890 by Wedgwood and shattered in 2004 by six-year-old Hannah Jacobs while proving that Polly Pockets could fly.” (Jon Carter, Fredericksburg, Va.) 

The Faint of Art: Honorable Mentions

A wall-size reproduction of Picasso’s “Guernica,” with the addition of an enormous yellow smiley face and the words “Have a nice day!” (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) 

A large speaker plays timeless, elegant classical music very loudly, but directly into soundproofing material. It’s a meditation on futility or something, I dunno.  (Seth Christenfeld, Briarcliff Manor, N.Y.) 

A gallery that is wired so that whenever visitors use words like “deconstructed,” “juxtaposition,” “oeuvre,” or “genre,'“ Alexa, in a loud but polite voice, invites them to kindly fuck off. (Jon Carter) 

An igloo on the ceiling labeled “Antarctica,” which continually drips on patrons and may or may not crash down upon them at any time.  (Marni Penning Coleman, Falls Church, Va.)  

Paint decidedly unrealistic cans of various flavors of Campbell's soup using  those flavors of soup as paint.  (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) 

An ornately framed sign stating “Sign.” The accompanying explanatory wall plaque says “Sign” with the artist’s name.   (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.) 

A brick wall stands in the middle of the stage.  A woman faces the wall, speaking to it in gibberish, with increasing levels of volume and agitation.  Simultaneously, a man walks peacefully around the stage, scratching himself, smoking a cigar, in what seems to be a state of happy oblivion.  (Judy Freed) 

A crude finger painting consisting of the words  “My 6 year old could have painted this.” (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) 

A good-old-boy mechanic in bib overalls, with grease-stained hands,  a wrench in one hand and a hammer in the other, is trying to fix a Tesla.  The hood is open. He just keeps walking around the car, squinting at things, approaching the car, then backing away.  This goes on forever.  (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) 

On an 8-by-5-foot canvas, paint a huge signature. In the lower right hand corner, paint a tiny landscape. (Frank Mann, Washington, D.C.) 

Paint a still life of grocery store fruit stickers. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.) 

On Twitter, accuse yourself of torturing puppies.  Sue yourself for slander, and sue Twitter for publishing it.  Refuse to testify, citing your Third Amendment rights and your need to stay home and repel soldiers. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) 

Widescreen movies are squished to a narrow 4:3 ratio and projected onto an undersized bulbous surface to recreate the classic experience of watching them on old tube TVs.  (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) 

Situated at the entrance to the Dallas-Fort Worth airport, a Lady Liberty-sized statue of Greta Thunberg, constructed entirely out of coal, gas stoves, and wood from the Amazon rain forest.  (David Garratt) 

A painting in which dogs in sexy clothes are sitting around a table playing strip poker; one embarrassed dog is nude.  (Beverley Sharp) 

A portrait of Donald Trump painted in ketchup on the back of a classified document.  (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) 

 A man in a bed, looking sleepy, is surrounded by a roomful of identical alarm clocks, all set to different random times, like 5:39 and 5:53. Every few minutes, one goes off, and he races around the room trying to find and silence the offender. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) 

A bronze sculpture of a man in resplendent African traditional garb.  The label next to it explains:  “This sculpture depicts Prince Billah of Nigeria.  Viewers are invited to deposit $100 into the deep pockets of his dashiki to redeem his fortune, and return tomorrow to discover their payout.”  (Mark Raffman) 

Display, side by side, the Last Supper, the Mona Lisa, and Whistler’s Mother. In the lower right corner of each, spray-paint “By George Santos.”  (Duncan Stevens) 

All the bronze statues of Confederate leaders that have been removed are melted down and sculpted into a giant Black middle finger and erected in front of Stone Mountain.  (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.) 

The long-awaited response to “The Vagina Monologues”:  In “The Pudendum Conundrum,” men read episodic personal monologues about their confused and clueless relationships with the female anatomy. A sequel is planned titled “The Pudendum Conundrum Continuum.”  (Jon Ketzner) 

“The Sound of Silence”: This conceptual artwork explores the paradoxical nature of silence by inviting viewers to listen to it. The exhibit consists of a soundproof room with a single, silent object placed in the center. As viewers enter the room, they are instructed to listen closely to the sound of silence emanating from the object. While some viewers may be initially confused or disappointed by the lack of sound, others will be amazed by the subtle nuances and variations in the absence of noise. The artist invites viewers to reflect on the power of silence and the importance of taking a moment to listen to the quietest parts of the world around us.  PLEASE NOTE: The previous is quoted verbatim from ChatGPT.  I had asked it, “Can you think of a funny new conceptual art description?”  After it responded with the paragraph above, I replied, “Wow! This is hilarious! Thanks” – but the chatbot thought I was being sarcastic: “I’m sorry if my previous response didn’t meet your expectations for humor.” Poor thing.  (Kathleen Delano, Arlington, Va.)  

“Hooting Gallery” and “Fool-Arty” in the headline for the results are by Kevin Dopart and Jesse Frankovich, respectively; Jesse also wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running – deadline 4 p.m. Saturday, March 4:  Our Week 8 contest for “pokes” – old jokes, or your own, cast in the form of rhyming poems.   Click here or type in bit.ly/inv-week-8. 

Sunday, March 19: Ingest foodstuffs with genuine Losers!  This month’s Loser Brunch will be at the Spanish Diner, José Andres’s home-cooking place in downtown Bethesda, Md. (free parking in the garages). The Empress and Royal Consort plan to be there.  More info and RSVP at Our Social Engorgements  on the Losers’ website, NRARS.org.     

Banter and share humor with the Losers and the Empress in the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook; join (tell them you came from The Gene Pool) and the Devs will anagram your name every which way. And see more than 1,000 classic Invite entries in graphic form, also on FB, at Style Invitational Ink of the Day.

And now on to your questions, and my answers.

Q:  This question happens to me every time I purchase a book. Many booksellers offer used books as a cheaper alternative to new. If I were to buy a book, one featuring the Pulitzer Prize winning “Fiddler on the Subway” for example, would it make any difference to you (financially) at this point if I bought used or new?

A: It won’t bring me a penny – the seller already bought the book, and I get not a cent from his or her resale of it.  BUT that should not deter you. You are entitled to get the best deal for yourself. You are not cheating me.   If you bought it new, I would make a very small cut off it – I think $2, but, you know, I can survive without the Jefferson. (Have you ever even SEEN one of these?)

Q: Gene --- For all of your self-described debilities, as far as we know, you have yet to suffer from foreign accent syndrome. Unless, of course, now under the influence of the virus, you find yourself speaking in a Brooklyn accent. Anyway, one of the more fascinating and rare brain and speech disorders (only about 200 cases worldwide have been reported in clinical studies), it not only typically comes from central nervous system trauma, but can arise from extreme stress as well. Perhaps one of the more interesting variations is what's called  “mixed foreign accent syndrome.” These patients first develop a foreign accent because of brain damage and then try to change their word use to create a more convincing “foreign” personality.  As one American woman with an English accent explained, it was easier for her to allow people to believe that she was from England, rather than trying to explain that her accent was the result of a stroke. Dale of Green Gables

A: If it happened to me, I’d want it to be a Yiddish accent.  Nothing is funnier than a Yiddish accent.  It reminds me of a standup routine I once heard.  The comic was from a Jewish part of The Bronx, and he said when he grew up, all the grandparents who lived with their families had Yiddish accents, so he assumed that when you get old, you develop a Yiddish accent.  He imagined himself, talking to his grandkids in the future, saying “Ven I vas young, I vent to Voodstock.  It was vair’ nice, the music…”

Here, as a special Gene Pool bonus, is “If I were a rich man,” in Yiddish.

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Q: In my experience, every journalism student or young writer reads a single story during university/early career that smashes their concept of storytelling and forces them to reconsider their approach. Undoubtedly, you have written a few of those. But which stories had that effect on you as a young writer? Any that you return to in your mind when you need to remember what's possible in a feature format?

A: “Cat’s Cradle” by Vonnegut.  The very early B.C. comics, which were works of staggering genius, believe it or not.  A cover headline in Esquire taught me what was possible using cover art and words. The story involved a leaked government document about plans for dealing with a nuclear war.   The cover line read (doing this from memory) “Worried about a nuclear holocaust?  Relax.  Our government has a swell plan.”  The art was a photograph of a finger about to press a red button.  It was that and “swell” that conveyed the message without saying it.  Shelley’s “Ozymandias” for strategic subtly of message.  And everything Kafka wrote, especially In The Penal Colony, and one of his shortest pieces, A Fratricide.  

Q: Gene--   my spouse was a Postie and so we've chatted a few times here and there.  I had  connections to the Herald wayback, & saved ephemera like Dave Barry in Tropic,  WaPo Sunday mags, & newspapers from when you were Postal,  and you and RT made me laugh out loud.  You've also generously signed stuff and whatnot... I'm grateful. 

I'm a self employed technologist, hustling like you.  I wanna support you, substack-wise.  Q: What's it gonna take financially where I'm supporting you, but don't have to do it over and over.  I get it ....  Recurring Revenue makes the word go 'round, and sustains my business, too.  But can I shoot your a couple of biils now to help, and not get the grip again later?  I'm ok with NO, but thought I'd ponder aloud. totally cool with non-public correspondence. Best to you, R,  your ongoing mayhem, and your Fred Flintstone feet,-- NoisyCatsRWe

A:  I am publishing this almost entirely because of “Fred Flintstone Feet,” which is ingenious.  Yes, I do have some toe calluses, which you saw in that photo of me in the mini bed, you monster.

That said, I don’t really understand the question.  A year’s subscription to The Gene Pool is all of $50, which works out to $4.17 a month, or roughly 94 cents a week, or roughly 47 cents per Gene Pool episode, and you won’t have to even think about re-upping for a whole entire year.  What am I missing?

TIMELY TIP: If you're reading this on an email:   Click here to get to my webpage, then click on the top headline (In this case, “The Invitational, Week 9” for my full column, and comments, and real-time questions and answers, and be able to refresh and see new questions and answers that appear as I regularly update the post.

Q: What are some funny (or not-so-funny) comments you've heard about your name over the years? Did you ever get taunted as a kid with "Jean"? What kind of comebacks did you come up with?

A: People don’t do much with my name, though I was called “Slime” in college, almost universally.  The guy whose childhood nickname I cringe at, though I am only assuming it happened is WTOP radio guy Dave Dildine. 

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Q: Gene, i have this recurring dream that makes me very happy. The dream? That I'm riding my bike to work. Now, the last time i traveled anywhere on a bike was August 1990 (I did ride my bike to work when I lived in Newport News in the 1980s for a few weeks). 

But for a few weeks pre-covid I have had a dream that I rode my bike approximately 30 miles to and from work. THE DREAM WAS SO REAL I THOUGHT I ACTUALLY DID IT and was disappointed when I realized it wasn’t real. I bought an exercise bike with a TV screen but its not the same. At first it was clever and exciting to drive over manufactured scenery but now its more of the same. And being close to the same age as you, I dare not ride anymore because of the possibility of fatal injuries caused by seemingly minimal impact. (I have a friend whose mid 60s father fell off his bike in a seemingly benign fashion and ended up deceased…and he was in a lot better shape than me. )

Anyway, some people dream of fortune and fame, i dream about riding a bike to work. 

A: When younger, my dreams seldom involved my participation in sports.  Now that I have two artificial knees and the body tone of a walrus, I often dream about playing second base for the Yankees.  I have great range and can turn a crisp double play, throwing across my body and against the vector of my body motion. 

Q How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?

A:  tried this once, and the answer is 7,003.  Unless there are some fat ones, which reduces the number a bit.

Q: I’ve watched that Dilbert author run himself into concrete walls for years now. Baffling that he somehow thinks his words were so important we all needed to hear them. Drew Carey made such a great 📺 show based on that comic, and he, too, seems to wade into crazy MAGAt land. 

A: It’s a “nope” on Carey and Trumpism, I believe. .   A fart wafted across the Web that he’d been filmed wearing a MAGA hat, but that was effectively debunked by Snopes.

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Q: Gene --- Have you been translated ? If so, what was your experience ?

A: I’ve had books translated into Latvian, German, and Mandarin.   I love them because I get hilarious covers to keep, and don’t have to re-read them because I cannot understand a word.  But If I ever have to learn, say, Latvian, I could do so by looking at it side-by-side with English, and learn a lot.  I’ve also been translated into Espanol, but, alas, I can read that on about a third-grade level, appropriate for my level of writing.

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Q: Is it possible that the powers that be are refraining from bringing charges against a certain orange man because they want him available to run third party in the next election to cancel out the votes of a certain governor from a state shaped like a penis?

A: Your question is shockingly cynical and frankly over the top disreputable.  .  Yes, it is possible. . 

Q: Speaking of politics, in the 2024 election, who would you rather be: Joe Biden. Or Joe Biden’s running mate?

A: Your question is shockingly cynical and frankly over the top disreputable.   It’s a good question. 

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Q: This is Gene. I just had to send you this: An anti-drag Texas legislator admits he cross dresses.

Q:  What day and time do you do the chat live? I keep missing it.

A: Starts a couple minutes before one, ends a couple of minutes before two.  I send out a message about in on Facebook and Twitter and the substack people announce it when it begins.  I do it on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I admire you for not being so Web enslaved.  

Q: There are few things in this world that can bring as much pure joy and unconditional love into our lives as dogs. These loyal companions have been by our sides for thousands of years, serving as protectors, hunters, and faithful friends. They come in all shapes and sizes, from the tiny Chihuahua to the massive Great Dane, but they all share one thing in common: an unwavering devotion to their human families. Whether they are romping in the park, snuggling on the couch, or simply gazing up at us with their soulful eyes, dogs have an uncanny ability to lift our spirits and make us feel loved. They remind us of what is truly important in life: companionship, loyalty, and unconditional love. And for that, we should be eternally grateful.

A: But what about when they lick their buttholes and then your face?  

(I appear to be answering a chatbot, by the way.  This came in result of someone asking a computer to write about dogs in my style.)

Q: Are we allowed to ask Rachel a question? I was just looking for an actor's perspective on the Kiss of a Spider Woman/Kennedy Center story.

What is it about the prospect of a return to Broadway that kept major actors from wanting to be cast in a Kennedy Center production?

A: (This from Rachel)  Reader, you may know more about this or infer better than I do–is the implication that actors didn’t want to commit to the Ken Cen show because then they couldn’t do the Broadway one? Or that joining the cast of the KC show might make life harder for the rights holders, whom we do not wish to alienate? I personally have never had to refuse a role at the Kennedy Center because it might screw up my career. I have gotten the artist discount parking rate a few times. I hope this is the expert information you sought.

Q: Gene, after reading some of Dave Barry's books, I realized that Dave and I share a common affliction. We are both SPVs, or Survivors of Plymouth Valiants. I remember my childhood car for its green-on-green color scheme, vinyl seats (requiring beach towels in the summer so the seats wouldn't burn our legs), and power steering that was more accidental than by design (the column just became looser over the years). To its credit though, I learned to drive in it, and the A/C was just as good in year 17 as it was on day one. Gene, what can you tell us about your family's first car? Or did you mostly take the subway as a kid?

A: My first car was a 1967 Volvo, and it crapped out in a year. My worst car was a 1978 Ford Fiesta, which featured a spiffy new computer “brain” that died about every three months, causing the car to shut off and roll to a stop wherever it was, including a highway.

Q: I think it's great that Margarine Trailer Grease has suggested the country "divorce." First, it reminds us all of what a nut-case she is and what kind of people she'd prefer to hang out with. Second, people might think for just a second about what would happen to Middle America. (I'll use that archaic term, with the blue states being the Edges--not all the edges, of course, especially not Florida, which is not so much edge as dong.) MTG wants to keep some sort of federation, so that we'll continue to bail them out financially: not on your life--we split the national debt and monetary assets per capita and federal buildings stay where they are. A lot of people would move--should be as much fun as the Partition of India. They'd keep many of the white enlisted in the armed services, we'd get the black ones and most of the officers. Georgia Tech would become the intellectual hub of the Middle, or maybe Texas A&M. They'd get most of the football players, we'd get soccer and all the women's teams. We'd keep most of the State Department, they'd have Trump call out shithole countries (including us). They'd staff factories and send the patent license fees to us.

A: All that is true, but we are not talking about the practicality of it, which is zero. We are talking about the danger of it even being a talking point.

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Q For many years I have been a loyal reader of Gene. Mostly due to the subversive lunacy while in awe of the award winning feature stories. I use this as the preface to say I have never really gotten the Invitational. Perhaps I’m just not quick or witty enough. I appreciate the work that Gene and Pat go through to create the contest. And, I guess, there are plenty of sharp and funny folks out there. I hesitate to use the word as I’m not sure it really expresses what I mean but it can seem a bit pretentious. I hope I’m still in good graces. Hope Gene is defeating the virus and Pat is correcting this for grammar. A profession that I indeed hold her in high regard for.

A: I doth deny, nay repudiate, any suggestion that perforce implies that The Invitation is at all pretentious.

Q: LATVIAN? You've had books translated into Latvian? German, Spanish, Mandarin, those I can understand. But when you've been translated into Latvian, you've made it in the world.

A: I didn’t want to brag overtly.

Q: As a horologist, do you have any particular insights about time (e.g., time management, time travel, time outs, time of death, time to get a new fence)?

A: Currently, I am examining the concept of “time left on Earth.”

Q: Gene --- I remain sadly amused at the rabid right's fixation on the private parts of others. It continues to be preoccupied with reproductive, LGBTQ+ and trans rights. Any thoughts about what's behind this obsession ? MAGAs can't find their own ? Still think they'll go blind if they do ?

A: They’re all already blind.

Q:Why did Scott Adam's spill so many words on this matter when only fourteen were necessary?

A: Do we all know this reference? Google “14 words” and you’ll find out. I’m not printing them here.

Q: How do we know your answer to the chatbot dog question isn't a chatbot?

A: Because it was funny. Chatbots are struggling with funny.

Q: Do you think that anyone has pointed out to Marjorie Traitor Greene that since 2020, Georgia has been a blue state?

A: That is a great question. SHE might have to move.

Okay, we’re ending here. Please keep the questions coming. I will answer them on Tuesday. And thanks again. You are a great, smart, funny group.

Hey, for those of you who said you might favor secession, please send in questions explaining why. I’ll answer ‘em next week.