The Invitational Week 85: Hu-boy, It's Limerixicon XXI

Write a limerick featuring a word beginning 'hu-' to 'hy-.' Plus winning translations of 'Fee-fi-fo-fump' and other sound-phrases.

Hello. Welcome to the Invitational Gene Pool.

Today we return to the limerick,
A word that rhymes only with pimaric,
A carbolic acid
That’s chemically flaccid
Uh, limerick, limerick, limerick.

—

Okay, we admit good limericks are a challenge to write. But this next one is a gem, and it fits neatly with today’s hu-, hy- contest:

Beleaguered, a lion denied
His own hunger and tried to provide
For his litter of cubs,
But they withered like scrubs,
So he quit and just swallowed his pride. (Chris Doyle)

—

Behold our yearly tribute to the indefatigable Chris Strolin and his Life’s Work: his project, now in its twenty-first year, to create a Omnificent English Dictionary in Limerick Form, in which every meaning of every word would be represented by a limerick. The Invitational has been following OEDILF.com since its infancy in 2004, dropping by every August to send out a call for top-flight limericks beginning with whatever sliver of the alphabet that Chris and crew are up to. (Current estimated completion date: June 17, 2066; current number of limericks: 124,000-plus from more than 1,100 contributors, many of them Invitational Losers.) Now we’re up to …

Invitational Week 85: Supply a humorous, previously unpublished limerick significantly featuring any word, name, or term beginning with “hu-” through “hy-,” as in the example above from an earlier Invite contest.

While we no longer have to worry about “family newspaper” restriction on risque limericks, we’re still as strict as always about the limerick form: “perfect” rhyme; a strong “hickory-dickory-dock” rhythm within Lines 1, 2, and 5; a “dickory-dock” in Lines 3 and 4; extra unaccented syllables on either side are fine. Say the example above with exaggerated accents, and you’ll get the hickory-thing.

For a lot more detail, you can read the Empress’s primer “Get Your ’Rick Rolling.” Or just absorb the classic ink from past Invites by going to the Losers’ Master Contest List, searching on “limerick,” and clicking on the far-right column.

Formatting this week: As with all our poetry contests, just write your limerick as it ought to look when published. Don’t bother trying to boldface or italicize your hu-/hy- word, though; it won’t transmit in the entry form.

Deadline is Saturday, Aug. 24, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Aug. 29. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form. 

Click here for this week’s entry form,  or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-85.

This week’s winner, our top Loserbard, receives this lovely pair of lovers: matching plush sperm and egg key chains, or just doodads with little clips. We trust that if you carry both of them, you’ll put them discreetly in your pocket to give them a little privacy. Courtesy of Dave Prevar, the only person we know to be a sperm and egg donor.

Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Meanwhile, send us questions or observations, which Gene hopes to deal with in real time today. You do this, as always, by sending them to this here button:

Noise Will Be Noise: The sound-phrases of Week 83

In Invitational Week 83, we presented a list of nonsense sounds and asked you to define them. As alluded to in some of the entries, a few of the sounds come from old songs: “Yip-yip-yip-yip, mum-mum-mum-mum” starts off the Silhouettes’ doo-wop classic “Get a Job”; “Gliddy glub gloopy” begins the hippy-dippy chorus of “Good Morning Starshine” from the musical “Hair.”

Third runner-up:
Bang-whiz: The two steps before shower-leave. (Diana Oertel, San Francisco)  

Second runner-up:
Bong bong bong boing: The Jamaican trampoline team warms up. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

First runner-up:
Gliddy glub gloopy, nibby nabby noopy: Elon Musk’s next six children. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

And the winner of the “In One Ear” and “Out the Other” earrings:
Bong bong bong boing: Beethoven’s Fifth played on a Jew’s-harp. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) (Note: In his entry, Jeff used the term “Jaw harp.”)

As always, if you feel none of those is the best among today’s inking entries, shout out your favorites in the comments.

Sonic Doom: Honorable mentions

Gliddy glub gloopy, nibby nabby noopy

Nonsense lyric from the 2024 Olympic Opening Anthem that some misheard as “We are mocking Jesus and grooming your children.”  (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Acceptance speech from the winner of the Spackling Paste Eating Challenge. (Frank Osen)

In 1967, “I Am the Walrus” was also released in its original walrus language.  (Tom Witte)

Every order confirmation at a drive-thru. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Once the lyricists’ hangovers had worn off, they listened to what they had written and considered changing the title to “Good Morning Moonshine.” (Beverley Sharp; Kevin Dopart)

When Biden gave this answer to a debate practice question, his aides should have been a bit more concerned. (Jeff Contompasis)  

Trump swears this is what it said on the teleprompter and that the person responsible is “so fired.” (Steve Geist, Mechanicsville, Va.)

Abracadada

“And for my final trick, I will magically create a father who changes the same number of diapers as the mother!” (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Barron’s futile early efforts to make his father disappear. (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

“And now I will turn this urinal into a work of art, right before your eyes!” (Judy Freed; Gregory Dunn, Alexandria, Va.)

Maury Povich’s interjection just before he reveals “You ARE the father!” (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.; Jeff Contompasis)

The Great Magico spells out for his son the potential danger of a one-night stand.  (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

Bada-bing, bada-bingo

What a mobster says when he knocks off five guys in a row. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.; Kevin Dopart, Naxos, Greece)

Closing line to the song that begins, “There was a goombah had a dog...” (Kevin Dopart)

Something you hear a lot of in Italian nursing homes.  (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)

Bang-whiz

A sudden explosion that will scare the piss out of you. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

The sound made by a PP gun. (Jesse Frankovich)

The sound of a woman slamming down the toilet seat so she can sit down and pee. (Beverley Sharp)

What some call “water sports.” (Tom Witte, hiking in the Sierra Nevadas)

Robert Oppenheimer. (Kevin Dopart)

Bong bong bong boing

Ah, there’s the bellhop! (Jesse Frankovich)

Followed by “Boeing,” the sound you don’t want to hear during your flight.  (Rob Cohen)

Fee-fi-fo-fump

Someone’s taking a giant dump.  (Jesse Frankovich)

What comes before “I smell the defeat of Donald Trump” at a Harris rally. (Beverley Sharp)

The Giant catches Jack in his vacuum cleaner hose. (Frank Osen)

After Jack falls off the beanstalk and before the giant roars, “I hear the thud of an Englishman.” (Chris Doyle)

Oop-alley

When you catch a basketball under the net and then throw it straight up through the hoop, and then it comes back down through the hoop. It counts for four points. (Roy Ashley, Jesse Frankovich)

Code word for diarrhea, from “yella poo” spelled backwards. (Jesse Frankovich)

Pa rum pum pum rump

Me and my bum, me and my bum, me and my bum… (Jesse Frankovich)

When the neighbors couldn’t take it anymore and smashed his drum, Little Boy resorted to the butt bongos. (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.; Jeff Contompasis)

Tock-tick, tock-tick

What happens if you connect a flux capacitor to a grandfather clock. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.; Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.)

The sound made by a retronome. (Jesse Frankovich)

The sound made by one of those knockoff Rolexes they sell at flea markets. (Leif Picoult)

What you hear when you set a clock to “fall back” for winter. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

Yip-yip-yip-yip, mum-mum-mum-mum

For 75 years, the corgis and Charles vied for Queen Elizabeth’s attention. (Kevin Dopart)

What was heard after the Chihuahua encountered the mastiff. (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)

Opening lyric in Trump’s new campaign song, “Get a Black Job.” (Chris Doyle)

The first rule of Little Dog Fight Club is that there is no Little Dog Fight Club. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.)

What a miserable childless dog lady hears when her “fur baby” says yip-yip-yip-yip, yip-yip-yip-yip. — JD Vance (Karen Lambert)

Boo-hoo hooboy

Minnesota shorthand for “There’s no use cryin’ over spilled milk — get a rag and wipe it up, whydontcha?” (Mark Raffman)

What owlets say to taunt younger owlets. (Jon Ketzner)

The headline “Noise Will Be Noise” was submitted by both Jesse Frankovich and Seth Christenfeld; Tom Witte wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running — deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Aug. 17: our Week 84 contest to make certain sports more exciting or funnier. Click on the link below.

The Invitational Week 84: We Got Game

Now we enter the real-time portion of the Gene Pool, where Gene will take your questions and observations, and respond to them, in real time. Today, so far, a huge amalgam of entertaining responses to past questions. Send your stuff to this awesome Creamsicle-colored button:

Also, a pitch: You can 1) Support The Gene Pool and get full access to its goodies for the small price of $4.15 a month, or, 2) endorse Donald Trump and everything he stands for by denying us support but reading us for free and then informing on us to your handlers at The Evil Trump Machine. The choice is yours. This is a free country, at least for the moment.

So:

or,

Q: Peter Sagal!! Dang, that is a great "get" for our Pool!  The "doing, doink" Bears and all, his reserves of Chicago pain challenge the Great Fire in all its terror.  Let your rivers run green, oh Chitown, your luck will ne'er be so great. – Lynne Larkin 

A:  Peter is a splendid essay writer.  AND THAT’S NOT EVEN HIS DAY JOB. 

Thanks for calling it “our” pool. Made me feel good.

Q: As for someone driving the wrong way (luckily no one was hurt) my cousin was on her way to her wedding with the groom driving when he said “that guy is driving the wrong way!” Cousin’s response “that’s my uncle Ammon!” Groom: “There’s another man right behind him!” Response “That’s my Uncle Ralph!” These were not stupid men- their brother Wilmer scored 170 on the military’s IQ test but everyone said Ralph was the smart one. And Ammon was an engineer who helped design the Boeing 707 in the 1950’s. This was in 1988.

A: This made me laff.

Q: This is from reddit’s “facepalm” subreddit:

—

TIMELY TIP: If you’re reading this on an email: JUST CLICK ON THE HEADLINE IN THE EMAIL AND IT WILL DELIVER YOU TO THE FULL COLUMN ONLINE. Keep refreshing the screen to see the new questions and answers that appear as I regularly update the post.

—

Q: RFK Jr. said he was going to skin and eat the bear so he’s just being a thoughtful ‘hunter’ right? Bear tacos, yum? – Stephen Dudzik

A: When I was reporting this story, my subject talked about a friend of his who illegally shot a bear.  It was huge, 300 pounds.  He hauled it home and skinned it, preparatory to eating it.  B’ar meat.  There was a knock on the door.   State agents had been informed of his kill, and had come to arrest him.  He didn’t answer the knock. “We know you’re in there, sir. With a bear.”   He surrendered meekly.  He was blue in the face.  Once he had skinned it, he said, it “looked like a big fat man.”  Turned out, he was sick to his stomach at the thought of eating it. 

Q: Regarding things I’d pay more for than I have to: I live in a place that still allows public pay toilets.   They cost a Euro.   There are times when I would pay 20 times that.  Not a LOT of times, but enough. 

A: Similarly,  I’d pay a lot more for lomotil.  You don’t need it OFTEN, but… 

BTW, Pay toilets discriminate against women.  Unless you pay to enter the bathroom itself.  Because you cannot lock a urinal.  UNLESS you put the urinal in a stall, which is nuts.  So.  Just saying. Please continue with your life.

—

Q:  Regarding the well-hung pole vaulter.

Technically it was lost by a scrotum. I made the joke that maybe the NFL will award him a sack.

A: This is a very important distinction and we should get to the bottom of it, ha.  I say it is a penis.

–.

Q: My answer to the question about what I’d gladly pay more for, the answers is “almost everything,” which proves that I'm financially comfortable. E.g., 

-- Daily access to Rock Creek Park, with dog (current cost: federal income taxes)

-- WETA radio (current cost: zero. Well, I make about a $360 contribution every year, but would gladly pay more)

-- Chocolate (But not so-called "white chocolate," for which I'd pay nothing unless I were starving)

-- The Gene Pool (current cost: zero. Gulp. Maybe it's time to become a paying member. Was this question designed to do that?)

A: Let’s focus on your last point.   I pay a not insignificant amount to  Wikipedia ever year.  And my theorizing went this way:  What if Wiki suddenly announced that it would cost you, say, $50 for access for one year?  I would most certainly pay double that, which is what I do.  JUST A THOUGHT.

—

Q: In inimitable fashion, your question about being willing to pay more for a product or service goes beyond practical considerations to the psychology of habit and even FOMO, the fear of missing out. I sense (and you can, and will, no doubt, vigorously correct me if wrong) in Casa Weingarten-Manteuffel you are the one largely concerned about "missing out," while Rachel is far more laid back about letting the world go by. Not a matter of envy of others as typically characterized, I suggest, but about things you feel strongly you should know, being by trade an infocentric (if I can use the term for an individual) type of guy. I rest your case.

–

A: When I read “casa Weingarten-Manteuffel” I immediately looked at the juxto of the names and thought  “Schloss Weingarten-Manteuffel” 

–

Q:  What do you think of the media silence regarding the contents of leaked Trump campaign documents as opposed to the dissection of Hillary Clinton's emails leaked online?  Is the difference that one was already out in the open and was therefore fair game?  Or is something else going on?

A:  This is a very good question.  I think the answer – though they won’t admit it – is that the mainstream media barons know damn well they fucked up with Hillary, relying on unsourced stolen documents that turned out to be Russian plants.   They never admit this, and they should. 

Q:  Who has the better sense of humor in the presidential race?

-Marc from the Military

A: We’ll soon find out, I think.   The only thing I like about Trump is that he definitely has a sense of humor.  It’s the ONLY thing.   I’ve seen signs of joy and smarts in Harris. Not sure on the humor, yet, but I think so.

Q: What is Gene short for? Eugene? Eugenius? Eugenics, which my phone autocorrected the last two names to, and also corrected phone to mother which would have been very funny? Or is it short for Genebean?

A: Gene is my name, given at birth.  And my bro is Don, given at birth.   No Donald or Eugene.  Our parents were minimalists. 

—

Q: I fell for your “Support Trump” button, arsehole.

A: Good.

—

Q:  Re, the White Sox. No true fan of a team would ever want their team to set a record for futility. 

A; I would and have.  The 1970s Giants fell into a maelstrom of awful seasons because the owners were cheap bastards.  Eventually, they lost a game on a fumble with three seconds left, when they should have taken a knee.  I cheered.  The owners needed to get the message.  A couple of weeks later a small plane carried a banner over the stadium that said “X years of bad football are enough.”  (i forget the number)  It did the trick.    I would root against the Yankees in a lost season,  if continuing futility might open eyes.

Note: Pat tells me the sign was “15 years of lousy football …”

—

Q: Regarding your pill riddle:  You did not say that the island is uninhabited. Therefore, go up to some person and ask. For the most reliable result, get directions to a pharmacy and ask the person behind the counter.

A: Nice try, but I said “marooned.”  From Wiki: 

Marooning is the intentional act of abandoning someone in an uninhabited area, such as a desert island, or more generally (usually in passive voice) to be ...

—

Q: He should leave the pills in sunlight for an hour. The blue pills will get warmer than the red. (Objects of a given color attract heat based on how many wavelengths of visible light they reflect. Red objects absorb less than blue.)  

A: Needlessly complex, but nice.  Is it true? Apparently, it is:

Q: Guessing: the blue pills will be warmer at sunset, when the light is very red and the red pills are reflecting all the light.  -David Smith.

A: Okay, sold.

—

Q:  I thought that the way they were going at Trump even when Biden was still running was much like "rope-a-dope" and it could exhaust Trump and lead him to believe his own silly propaganda.  Thinking he was a sure win, he might really say what was on his mind.  Now, that idea still seems to be working and Trump is really saying what is on his mind."  But will all the voters even know?  Sometimes he seems to want to run and lose and keep the cash.  As they do in Texas.  But now I think he just wants to stay out of jail.  (gary4books)

A: I suspect his semi-recent babbling demented meltdowns are largely prompted by the growing realization that prison is suddenly not just a distant (maybe silly) fear but a distinct possibility.

—

Q: This might be the greatest headline ever written.

Texas Longhorns coach and exotic dancer Pole Assassin marry 3 years after viral monkey bite incident

— Sean Clinchy

A: Actually, It isn’t much of a story.  Not newsworthy or interesting.  They wrote it entirely to get the headline in print.  Maybe the best headline the Post ever published was about a massage parlor in VA with licensing problems -- "Gay Masseuse Divides Manassas." It was so good they pulled it from the later editions.–

—

Q: Gene, if you were still with the WaPo, would this headline ("The Post’s least-fashionable employee reviews Paris Olympics uniforms”) be accurate? Do you know Matt Bonesteel (a name in search of a situational aptonym), and is he really unfashionable?

-Megan in Seattle-

—

A: I have never met Mr. Bonesteel, but I have written several times about his splendid name.  

The only better sports names I know belonged to a 1980’s-era Dolphin coach named “Chuck Studly” and a Redskin named Dexter Manley.”   Dexter played on the defensive line with a guy named Charles Mann.  Tragically no one ever called them “The Manley-Mann pass rush.”

—

Q: A commenter mentioned printing an email and saving it. In the early 2000's, I worked for a boss who hated computers. He typed everything on a manual typewriter and then made me re-type it on my computer. I printed out all his emails and saved them in binders marked "Electronic Correspondence" with the date range. I was 20 at the time and thought it was all fairly ridiculous, but these days I have more respect for how difficult it is to keep up with the relentless march of technology.

A: Haha.  

–

Q:  Gregg Easterbrook, another Substack read and who I recommend, wrote of lovable loser teams that simply try to make money and not win. I’d have to know more, to know if this ChiSox team is one of those.

A: Pretty clear it is, no?

This is Gene. I am calling us down. Please remember to keep sending in questions and observations. I need em. Send them here: