The time it takes me to pee can range from 15 to 35 seconds. I know that because, being a retired actuary, I measure and keep track of everything I do. I also pee a LOT during both the day and night because I drink 16 diet soft drinks a day. And, yes, I read every article I can find on the dangers of overconsuming artificial sweeteners.
As a man about the odds, you do realize reading those articles alone logarithmically increases your chance of coming down with a variety of psychosomatic disorders?
the joint closest to the fingertips, while keeping the rest of the fingers straight. I had no idea this was a party trick, though I did know not everyone can do it.
I don't even remember my first dentist's name. I was little. This guy's office was in an upstairs room. the stirs were between a movie theater and a pharmacy. The building were old. Like, 1900, old. Anyone that's ever seen model train buildings, I swear these were the buildings that Plasticville was based on. Anyway, the office looked like every doctor's office an any Three Stooges short....big wooden door with frosted glass and "Dr. So-and So" stenciled on it. Big sash widow and with a view of the brick wall of the pharmacy and equipment that probably also dated from 1900. I just remember being scared shitless. I started kicking and screaming. The doctor has his nurse hold my legs. I don't even remember if he finished whatever he was trying to do, but my lasting memory is him telling my mom, "Don't bring him back."
Fast forward 50+ years and my brother and his wife are living in a house on the far side of a lake that was behind all those buildings. We were talking about how sad it was that all those old buildings had been torn down and I related the story above to my sister-in-law. She says, "OH, Doctor So-and-So! My MOTHER was his assistant for YEARS. He was a TERRIBLE dentist. She told me he would do things like pull the wrong tooth and not use Novocain. And he NEVER upgraded his equipment" All I could say was "I'm not surprised."
And I still get little twinge every time I see the Three Stooges in s doctor's ofioce.
I realize that it wasn’t the first time I felt I was an adult, but the first time I felt OLD. It was 1982 and I was 25 years old. I took an intern year between my second and third years of seminary to be the student associate pastor of a church in central Iowa. One of my duties was organizing youth events. I had held a mid-winter “summer party” for high school youth with the theme “60s Beach Party” and made a mixed tape (on a real cassette!) of my favorite Beatles, Beach Boys, Simon & Garfunkel, etc. And the kids loved it. The next month I was hosting a middle school youth event. I told them to bring their favorite records. No one did. But I happened to have that mixed tape with me, so I put it on. Some little 7th grader looked up at me and said, “Where did you get that elevator music?” And suddenly, I was OLD.
But can the talented Ms. Manteuffel give the Vulcan salute without pre-positioning her fingers? Can she raise only one eyebrow on demand (unaided, of course)--- a major attribute if she intends to star in any drawing room comedies in future. I await the results with bated breath, not to be confused with sushi breath.
I am the original pointer-finger poster. I can do the Vulcan salute and can raise one eyebrow. But I am not an actor or a puppeteer, so these skills are not too helpful!
Maybe not, but you are special nevertheless. On the other um...hand...you would almost certainly be in demand for any Dr. Spock biopic. "Live long and prosper."
Although at nearly 80 I am still not an adult, it is evidence of lifelong curmudgeonliness that in high school I wrote an article for the school paper deriding the inanity of "Lollipop."
The nonagenarian with the bladder timer is likely in error about his need to pee being unrelated to the fullness of his bladder. Much more likely is that when he’s done peeing as much as he can his bladder is still something like 80% full. He probably ought to visit a urologist. I regret that I couldn’t think of a way to make this funny.
As raised in "Q&A," my theory of the obsessive interest by the rabid right in the private parts of others has probably to do with their refusal to acknowledge their own. Or perhaps, an unwillingness to look for them, despite obvious hints they exist. Certainly the notion of virgin birth doesn't help.
Note: I think you mean “virgin birth.” “Immaculate conception” refers to the way Mary was conceived by her parents (according to Roman Catholic doctrine): They had sex, but it was unstained by original sin (somehow).
Puppeteering must be a young person’s game. I just tested it and my first knuckle bends are not as good as they used to be. Lots of other things making me feel old lately, so I recently noted happily on a crowded Metro car that I must not look 65 because no one offered me their seat (grateful not to need it). I think I will know for sure I am old when I get pissed off about those little ingrates.
Gary Crockett's entry was the funniest by far, but 2nd runner up was funnier than the other winners.
Note that you're disagreeing with our poll of readers. It's fun to see how different people see different entries as OBVIOUSLY the funniest.
I liked Eric Nelkin's "Wheel of Fortune" entry.
Oh Yes, I agree, it is truly clever!
>>One of the weirdest facts I ever learned as a journalist is that all species of animals, including >>humans, for exactly 17 seconds.
Say what, now?
pee! They pee for exactly 17 seconds. Mom always liked you best.
My dog does not pee for 17 seconds. He pees for 1.5 seconds, walks another 30 yards, pees for 1.5 seconds, and repeat for infinity.
Ah, so that was what the guy at the next urinal with the stopwatch, giving me surreptitious glances, was doing.
Yeah, I call bullshit. I pee for 10 seconds or fewer.
The time it takes me to pee can range from 15 to 35 seconds. I know that because, being a retired actuary, I measure and keep track of everything I do. I also pee a LOT during both the day and night because I drink 16 diet soft drinks a day. And, yes, I read every article I can find on the dangers of overconsuming artificial sweeteners.
I seriously know TOO MUCH about the Losers.
As a man about the odds, you do realize reading those articles alone logarithmically increases your chance of coming down with a variety of psychosomatic disorders?
So once you’ve read the first few, a dozen more doesn’t make that much difference?
I can bend the first joint on all my fingers. Fame and fortune have been waiting a LONG time.
Is that the joint closest to the palm, or closest to the fingertips?
I can bend just the one closest to the palm on all fingers.
Bending just the one closest to the fingertips is harder. I can only do it on the 3rd and 4th finger of each hand
the joint closest to the fingertips, while keeping the rest of the fingers straight. I had no idea this was a party trick, though I did know not everyone can do it.
Me too. I didn't know this ability was unusual, but it does freak my husband out. His joints don't work that way.
I don't even remember my first dentist's name. I was little. This guy's office was in an upstairs room. the stirs were between a movie theater and a pharmacy. The building were old. Like, 1900, old. Anyone that's ever seen model train buildings, I swear these were the buildings that Plasticville was based on. Anyway, the office looked like every doctor's office an any Three Stooges short....big wooden door with frosted glass and "Dr. So-and So" stenciled on it. Big sash widow and with a view of the brick wall of the pharmacy and equipment that probably also dated from 1900. I just remember being scared shitless. I started kicking and screaming. The doctor has his nurse hold my legs. I don't even remember if he finished whatever he was trying to do, but my lasting memory is him telling my mom, "Don't bring him back."
Fast forward 50+ years and my brother and his wife are living in a house on the far side of a lake that was behind all those buildings. We were talking about how sad it was that all those old buildings had been torn down and I related the story above to my sister-in-law. She says, "OH, Doctor So-and-So! My MOTHER was his assistant for YEARS. He was a TERRIBLE dentist. She told me he would do things like pull the wrong tooth and not use Novocain. And he NEVER upgraded his equipment" All I could say was "I'm not surprised."
And I still get little twinge every time I see the Three Stooges in s doctor's ofioce.
I realize that it wasn’t the first time I felt I was an adult, but the first time I felt OLD. It was 1982 and I was 25 years old. I took an intern year between my second and third years of seminary to be the student associate pastor of a church in central Iowa. One of my duties was organizing youth events. I had held a mid-winter “summer party” for high school youth with the theme “60s Beach Party” and made a mixed tape (on a real cassette!) of my favorite Beatles, Beach Boys, Simon & Garfunkel, etc. And the kids loved it. The next month I was hosting a middle school youth event. I told them to bring their favorite records. No one did. But I happened to have that mixed tape with me, so I put it on. Some little 7th grader looked up at me and said, “Where did you get that elevator music?” And suddenly, I was OLD.
But can the talented Ms. Manteuffel give the Vulcan salute without pre-positioning her fingers? Can she raise only one eyebrow on demand (unaided, of course)--- a major attribute if she intends to star in any drawing room comedies in future. I await the results with bated breath, not to be confused with sushi breath.
I am the original pointer-finger poster. I can do the Vulcan salute and can raise one eyebrow. But I am not an actor or a puppeteer, so these skills are not too helpful!
Maybe not, but you are special nevertheless. On the other um...hand...you would almost certainly be in demand for any Dr. Spock biopic. "Live long and prosper."
Although at nearly 80 I am still not an adult, it is evidence of lifelong curmudgeonliness that in high school I wrote an article for the school paper deriding the inanity of "Lollipop."
Wasn't Dan Weingarten originally involved in B&C? In fact, ISTR the premise for the strip was his.
The nonagenarian with the bladder timer is likely in error about his need to pee being unrelated to the fullness of his bladder. Much more likely is that when he’s done peeing as much as he can his bladder is still something like 80% full. He probably ought to visit a urologist. I regret that I couldn’t think of a way to make this funny.
After the dementia contest, maybe we can have one for Holocaust jokes?
Oops! I was laughing so hard at the 1st runner up that I accidentally chose the winner.
As raised in "Q&A," my theory of the obsessive interest by the rabid right in the private parts of others has probably to do with their refusal to acknowledge their own. Or perhaps, an unwillingness to look for them, despite obvious hints they exist. Certainly the notion of virgin birth doesn't help.
Note: I think you mean “virgin birth.” “Immaculate conception” refers to the way Mary was conceived by her parents (according to Roman Catholic doctrine): They had sex, but it was unstained by original sin (somehow).
Yeah that dogma don't exactly hunt. They both kind of work, one way or another to my point but, virgin birth it is for the win and duly corrected.
Puppeteering must be a young person’s game. I just tested it and my first knuckle bends are not as good as they used to be. Lots of other things making me feel old lately, so I recently noted happily on a crowded Metro car that I must not look 65 because no one offered me their seat (grateful not to need it). I think I will know for sure I am old when I get pissed off about those little ingrates.
I think extra credit for degree of difficulty should have been given for entries using the shortest string of letters.
We NOTED that you used fewer letters.
We judged them, however, on how funny they were.
I really wanted to see someone pull off a vowelless entry using zxcvbnm.
Someone probably tried it. "Pull off" is another story. SO many of the entries were close to unreadable.
Well, Jeff, that would have encouraged entries like "poo! I poop."