If you win this week but don't have pierced ears and can't wear the teensy cat earrings, I could instead send you a couple of vintage Style Invitational Loser magnets. Or you could just stab yourself.
Pat, I've long been wanting to ask. There seems to be a distinct lack of other body piercing items normally found in sadomasochistic practices. Are you limited to earrings under Substack rules or do you plan to build up your inventory, say with nipple rings and gold tongue barbells, during the coming year ? Ooo, and maybe a miniature hot poker !?
I kinda liked the "As Alice showed how she used a TikTok video to conjure up the devil, Kevin stepped in to explain how she should have done it." That's my day in a nutshell.
The obvious winner: “Let’s throw some poo against the wall to see what sticks.” Because throwing poo is funny to begin with, doing it in the context of an office is even funnier, and the biz-speak it lampoons is a tired cliché that richly deserves the lampoon. Which I assume is similar to a harpoon.
Thank you to Messrs. Kurland and Livengood - I didn't enter, mea culpa it was a crazy week - but I was headed straight for the "colon of silence." Yay Get Smart/CIA humor!
Jon, let me ask you something. You running a Judy Freed book we don't know about ? If so, what was the over and under this week for say, at least one ink ?
And again I comment - at the CIA up until 1987, there was a pneumatic tube system that was simply brilliant. Dials on the ends for an "address" and multi-colored tubes for the different Directorates. In a large and confusing building, what a joy to simply send it flying. The advent of connected computers, Wangs at the time, had them stripping out all the tubes/colons to make way for cables. Sigh. Ah the olden days, when spies were lazy and the world ticked closer to chaos.
Pneumatic tubes, you say ? No --- not something relating to an implant for erectile dysfunction. There's a vas deferens. Those legendary newsroom deals, that at one time replaced the guy shouting "COPY!!" and the copy boy lounging in the truck dock smoking a fag, which, themselves, have long since been replaced. Yeah, they still make versions of those. Been thru a bank drive-thru lately ? Some hospitals still use them, as do casinos, among other bizes. Have to wonder though, what would those notes you'd like to pneumatically send from the kitchen to the bedroom say. "One more blintz, and I'll be ready ?" "The brine should kick in any minute now ?"
Hey, a word about "His Fraudulency," aka, Rud Hayes --- but first some of his um...memorable words:
"Let every man, every corporation, and especially let every village, town, and city, every county and State, get out of debt and keep out of debt. It is the debtor that is ruined by hard times."
As economists said at the time (and still do, down to this very day): "No shit !" And, of course, let's not forget the hallmark of his administration, the "Great Railroad Strike of 1877," which he resolved by calling in the US Army against the railroad workers. Anyway, I regress. Yes, our less-than-esteemed 19th is, au contraire, considered a saint in Paraguay. Yes, that Paraguay. In addition to calling in the troops on striking railroad workers, Hayes distinguished himself by taking territory from Argentina and giving it to Paraguay. A good US president will do that for you. For this great act of kindness with other people's land, he is forever memorialized there as a one of 17 national "departamentos" ("Presidente Hayes") and its capital, "Villa Hayes." And thus ends another installment of "You Don't Say !?"
If you're saying you don't read Alexandra Petri's columns, I urge you to do so. If you do, I guess it's just a coincidence that her March 12 column contained a link to an NPR story about Rutherford B. Hayes that included a lot of the info in your comment.
Interesting about those things known as coincidences. Mr. Hayes happened to turn up in today's TGP "Q&A" too --- and about whom the same information has remained pretty much unchanged and widely available for well over a century.
A save the date for fans of "The Sweet Science." On July 20, Mike Tyson, the former heavyweight boxing world champion is skeded to step into the ring at the AT&T Stadium in Arlington, Texas, to fight YouTuber-turned-boxer Jake Paul. Tyson will be 58, Paul will be 27. Seems to me, at this remove, the only science to be involved will be pharmaceutical and medical.
If you win this week but don't have pierced ears and can't wear the teensy cat earrings, I could instead send you a couple of vintage Style Invitational Loser magnets. Or you could just stab yourself.
In the ear?
I guess if you want to wear the earrings on your tongue, you could stab yourself there. Doesn't matter to me.
Pat, I've long been wanting to ask. There seems to be a distinct lack of other body piercing items normally found in sadomasochistic practices. Are you limited to earrings under Substack rules or do you plan to build up your inventory, say with nipple rings and gold tongue barbells, during the coming year ? Ooo, and maybe a miniature hot poker !?
Have you thought about taking up knitting, or some other soothing and productive hobby?
Hahahahahaha!
What would you then do to wile away your lonely hours ?
I kinda liked the "As Alice showed how she used a TikTok video to conjure up the devil, Kevin stepped in to explain how she should have done it." That's my day in a nutshell.
I agree, that one is excellent.
The obvious winner: “Let’s throw some poo against the wall to see what sticks.” Because throwing poo is funny to begin with, doing it in the context of an office is even funnier, and the biz-speak it lampoons is a tired cliché that richly deserves the lampoon. Which I assume is similar to a harpoon.
Agree that “Let’s throw some poo against the wall to see what sticks.” (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.) was the funniest.
Jesse's winner was the cleverest.
"What's with the ape suit?" was also pretty funny.
Thank you to Messrs. Kurland and Livengood - I didn't enter, mea culpa it was a crazy week - but I was headed straight for the "colon of silence." Yay Get Smart/CIA humor!
The Tooting Rombowski Sisters would have gotten my vote! everyone loves a good toot joke, and it fit the photo so well!
My fave:
Inspired by “Get Smart,” CIA scientists developed the Colon of Silence. (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.; Tim Livengood, Columbia, Md.)
YES! That was my choice, as well.
I vote for the Colon of Silence.
I can only surmise that Judy Freed was Samuel Tildened this week.
Jon, let me ask you something. You running a Judy Freed book we don't know about ? If so, what was the over and under this week for say, at least one ink ?
DOGG…it’s always 3 and I always take the over
I've been wondering: Does Robert Hur have a distant cousin named Ben?
Robert Hur's hair makes me wonder whether he isn't an illegitimate son of Ronald Reagan.
When I was 18, I decided to be a male prostitute. But business was very slow. The recession or something. So I became an actuary instead.
I'm glad that you didn't decide to be a female prostitute.
You ever put down that red pencil?
What were the odds, huh ?
And again I comment - at the CIA up until 1987, there was a pneumatic tube system that was simply brilliant. Dials on the ends for an "address" and multi-colored tubes for the different Directorates. In a large and confusing building, what a joy to simply send it flying. The advent of connected computers, Wangs at the time, had them stripping out all the tubes/colons to make way for cables. Sigh. Ah the olden days, when spies were lazy and the world ticked closer to chaos.
So, instead of using a tube, you'd have to use your Wang?
Boooooooo! 😊
Pneumatic tubes, you say ? No --- not something relating to an implant for erectile dysfunction. There's a vas deferens. Those legendary newsroom deals, that at one time replaced the guy shouting "COPY!!" and the copy boy lounging in the truck dock smoking a fag, which, themselves, have long since been replaced. Yeah, they still make versions of those. Been thru a bank drive-thru lately ? Some hospitals still use them, as do casinos, among other bizes. Have to wonder though, what would those notes you'd like to pneumatically send from the kitchen to the bedroom say. "One more blintz, and I'll be ready ?" "The brine should kick in any minute now ?"
Vas deferens......ISWYDT
Shocked I tell you, shocked. Nary a "monkey's uncle" or "kiss your ass goodbye" in sight.
Hey, a word about "His Fraudulency," aka, Rud Hayes --- but first some of his um...memorable words:
"Let every man, every corporation, and especially let every village, town, and city, every county and State, get out of debt and keep out of debt. It is the debtor that is ruined by hard times."
As economists said at the time (and still do, down to this very day): "No shit !" And, of course, let's not forget the hallmark of his administration, the "Great Railroad Strike of 1877," which he resolved by calling in the US Army against the railroad workers. Anyway, I regress. Yes, our less-than-esteemed 19th is, au contraire, considered a saint in Paraguay. Yes, that Paraguay. In addition to calling in the troops on striking railroad workers, Hayes distinguished himself by taking territory from Argentina and giving it to Paraguay. A good US president will do that for you. For this great act of kindness with other people's land, he is forever memorialized there as a one of 17 national "departamentos" ("Presidente Hayes") and its capital, "Villa Hayes." And thus ends another installment of "You Don't Say !?"
So I guess you read Alexandra Petri's jokes column.
Guess you're wrong. You do know there are sources other than newspaper columns I assume ?
If you're saying you don't read Alexandra Petri's columns, I urge you to do so. If you do, I guess it's just a coincidence that her March 12 column contained a link to an NPR story about Rutherford B. Hayes that included a lot of the info in your comment.
Interesting about those things known as coincidences. Mr. Hayes happened to turn up in today's TGP "Q&A" too --- and about whom the same information has remained pretty much unchanged and widely available for well over a century.
One word on your Runner-Up and Winner selections; Nope.
A save the date for fans of "The Sweet Science." On July 20, Mike Tyson, the former heavyweight boxing world champion is skeded to step into the ring at the AT&T Stadium in Arlington, Texas, to fight YouTuber-turned-boxer Jake Paul. Tyson will be 58, Paul will be 27. Seems to me, at this remove, the only science to be involved will be pharmaceutical and medical.