The Invitational Week 46: "Air" "Quotes"

A new forefinger contest, plus 'monorhyme' poems on Taylor Swift, Hamlet, and more

Hello. This is the usual Thursday Invitational Gene Pool, in which we give you The Invitational’s new contest, an Invitational classic, where you get to frame a portion of a word or phrase — in “air quotes” — that define the word or phrase, as in “Arse”nio Hall.

But first, a one-question Gene Pool Gene Poll, based on an issue raised in the last Gene Pool. Reminder: I do not know who you are. I do not see your email address and would never try to find it. This is anonymous.

New Contest: ‘Air’ ‘Quotes’

For Invitational Week 46: Take a word, name, or phrase and put a portion of it in “air quotes,” then define it in the context of the highlighted part. You can’t change the spelling of the original but may tinker with capitalization, punctuation, and spacing. So you don’t send us what we’ve already published: we do not want to see “‘fun’eral” or “Donald T‘rump.’ ”

Example: Satis“fact”ion: When Google proves you are right and your spouse is wrong. (David Kleinbard)

Another example: h“USB”and: Consider yourself lucky if you get it right on the first try. (Hildy Zampella)

This just in!  Within hours after we published this column, Hall of Fame Loser Jeff Contompasis compiled a list of the hundreds of air quotes that have gotten ink in earlier Invitationals — and invited us to share it.  Here it is, from “Alas”ka to Z“ucch”ini. 

Click here for this week’s entry form. Or go to bit.ly/inv-form-46. Please see formatting instructions on the form. As usual, you can submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form.

Deadline is Saturday, Nov. 25, at 4 p.m. ET. No need to waste your time on Thanksgiving watching football, talking with your visiting relatives, etc., when you can be doing this. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Nov. 30.

The winner gets a fine pair of socks labeled “Big Ol’ Word Nerd” on the calf, donated by Medium-Size Ol’ Word Nerd Dave Prevar. These are men’s size; we’ll put up the women’s-size ones in the future.

Of course, your pants legs will need to be high enough to show off your honorific. This week’s prize.

Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of ten nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

DING!  With his two typically brilliant blots of ink today, Mark Raffman has crossed the 1,000-ink line, ascending from the Invitational Hall of Fame to the Cozy Upstairs Nook of the Hall of Fame.   Mark, a longtime corporate lawyer turned just recently to the other side — as a trial attorney for the Consumer Product Safety Commission —  started Inviting in 2012, earning his first blot of ink for a contest for ways to tick people off: 

“When you’re on jury duty, bring a daisy into the deliberation room and start to pull out each petal while saying “Guilty . . . not guilty . . .”

Since then, he’s been mopping up ink to the tune of almost 100 entries a year, most famously for song parodies to the tune of “Be Our Guest,” on themes from “Porky’s” (“See a Chest!”) to Obama and Netanyahu (“He’s a Pest!”) to Trump and the wall (“He’s Obsessed”) and numerous others. Delve into this collection of his first 500 blots of ink, “Mark: His Words.”

Meanwhile, we need questions / observations / reactions that Gene can answer right here, in real time. Send ’em to this tasteful orange button:

Masters of the Uni-verse: The monorhymes of Week 44

In Week 44 we asked you to write a funny poem in monorhyme form — that all the lines had to have the same rhyme. And the poem had to refer to some published writing — anything from an ancient Greek play to yesterday’s headlines.

Third runner-up:
More Fun News From Greenland (article at CNN.com)
Every last glacier
Seems bound for erasure.
(Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.)

Second runner-up:
War and Peace (abridged):
For a Russian,
Life is crushin’.
End of discussion.
(Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

First runner-up:  
“Deer crashes through lingerie store in Michigan”
In Michigan there was a deer
That spooked a lingerie cashier.
Asked why a deer would thus appear,
She said, “I guess the buck shops here.”
(Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.)

And the winner of “The Dr. Seuss Coloring Book”:
Waiting for Godot
Beckett’s play’s a bore, I fear,
With Estragon and Vladimir
Discussing topics drab and drear
For hours on end until it’s clear
Godot himself will not appear.
So go — you might enjoy it, dear,
While I stay watching Netflix here.
(Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

The End of the Lines: Honorable mentions

The Old Man and the Sea
He pursues an expedition,
Out to sea to do some fishin’,
Gets his boat into position,
Then awaits an acquisition.
Is that fish an apparition?
No!  An instant recognition
As it bolts in opposition!
After hours of competition
In this battle of attrition,
He attains the beast’s submission!
Heading home now his volition,
It’s a fin — an admonition …
Cue the sharks, with repetition,
Bite by bite, a demolition.
It’s a savage exhibition,
(In his trousers, micturition?)
Yet the boat makes its transition
To the shore, in sound condition,
And old man sits there wishin’
He’d had better ammunition.
(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Hamlet in a nutshell:
Ghost: “Go kill your mom’s new guy.”
Hamlet: “No way, Dad!  Must I? Why?”
Ghost:  “It’s the ol’ ‘eye for an eye’!”
Hamlet: (“ARGHH!  Should I live or die?”)
Then Hamlet says with a sigh,
“Okay, I’ll give it a try …”
Many acts and scenes go by; 
Then finally, dead they all lie.
(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

“The secret best week for Thanksgiving flights is coming” (The Washington Post) Thanksgiving stresses? Don’t despair.
Just take a trip abroad by air.
You’re sure to nab a bargain fare.
You won’t see tourists everywhere.
And best of all — no icy glare:
Your MAGA uncle won’t be there.
(Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

Pygmalion
In G.B. Shaw’s dramatic work Pygmalion,
A linguist who’s a touch sesquipedalian
Decides to take a poor tatterdemalion
Into his life—for reasons bacchanalian?
He wanted folks who play the ukulele in?
No, no, the reason he brings in this alien,
The basis for the grind she suffers daily in:
He wants to make her sound Episcopalian,
Like someone who would have PM Disraeli in.
Bad ending, though—she leaves…for parts Australian?
You’ll want to bash Shaw’s head with a shillelagh in.
(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

‘Trump and allies plot revenge, Justice Department control in a second term’ (The Washington Post)
Trump (whose hands are lilliputian)
Wants to shred the Constitution,
Starting with a new solution
To his so-called persecution:
“I will be your retribution.”
(Chris Doyle)

Jack and Jill
To renew their H₂O supply
They climbed a path, I know not why.
Hydrology must be awry,
Since wells don’t work when they’re up high.
(Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)   

Lysistrata
Greek women, led by Lysistrata:
“Guys, stop this fighting, now! You gotta!
Until you cease these wars, there’s not a
Chance your bedmates will allot a
Place for you, come hell, high wata!
You’re persons very much non grata!”

In time (there followed some errata)
The men complied and stopped the slaughta.
Each lass and her inamorata
Went forth and banged like a piñata. (Duncan Stevens)

The Handmaid’s Tale
Women’s wombs controlled post-coup
By all the guys in charge, that’s who,
To sum the Gilead worldview:
It’s Speaker Johnson’s dream come true. (Kevin Dopart)

Pap on Tap — “Amouranth Launches ‘Vaginal Yeast’ Beer” (Philadelphia Weekly) When it’s time for a Pap and the doc takes a smear,
You can have those bacteria turned into beer!
A yoni yeast beverage? There's nothing to fear —
And such a profound flavor profile, I hear.
(Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

“It’s Taylor Swift’s world and we’re just living in it” (Axios)
Taylor, Taylor, Taylor, Taylor!
Seems that nothing can derail her.
Every time the charts unveil her
Album sales, all others trail her.
Though the jealous trolls assail her,
Say her sound has gotten staler,
Far more fans adore and mail her;
Music critics widely hail her.
Locks of blonde and skin that’s paler,
Scores of suitors doomed to fail her;
Still, they hope to someday nail her.
(Jesse Frankovich)

The Kama Sutra  (ancient Hindu text)
For students of erotic bliss, consider this important factor:
Interesting and new positions might initially attract ’er.
You will reach new heights of passion.  But as soon as you have sacked ’er,
Both of you will need assistance from a skillful chiropractor. (Judy Freed)  

Othello
“Desdemona seems truly demure,
But she’s smitten by Cassio’s allure,”
Says Iago, a boor,
To Othello, who’s sure
To react. In the end, there's no Moor. (Chris Doyle)  

The Art of the Deal by Donald Trump
For the terms of a deal, I intuit
Where the cash is, and how to accrue it.
Some resistance?  I push my way through it!
(Also, fraud isn’t fraud when I do it.)  (Mark Raffman)

Jane Eyre 
A gothic novel: Miss Jane Eyre!
This pious lass, oft found in prayer
While serving as a poor au pair,
Meets Eddie Roch, a grumpy bear,
And falls for him—but what despair
To learn that, in an attic lair,
He’s stashed a wife — a weird affair!
A fire! Wife’s cooked medium rare,
While Jane, she turns her derriere
And runs away (she knows not where)
But then returns, finds disrepair.
Jane, taking Ed into her care:
“Reader, I married him!” So there.
(Duncan Stevens)

‘What You Need to Know About the New HV-1 Variant’ (VeryWellHealth)   
We’re done with EG.5.  HV-1 we now will see,
And also JN.1 — all in the family XBB.
And on the rise this season, we've got flu and RSV.
We are completely screwed. WTF! OMG! (Judy Freed)

‘What Might Be Ruining Your Orgasm’ (The New York Times)
Do you often find yourself stuck in first gear? 
Don’t ask sex experts unless you want to hear
What your partner probably believes is clear:
Dude, you’re really drinking way, way too much beer. (Pam Shermeyer)  

‘Pizza Hut selling snake pizza in Hong Kong’ (CNN)
While in Hong Kong, don’t ask me why,
At Pizza Hut, I chose to try
A dish on which they did apply
Some shredded serpent meat — no lie. 
At first it seemed like chicken, dry,
But quickly things went all awry —
NOW HAD IT WITH THESE SNAKES HAVE I
UPON THIS MOTHERF***ING PIE!  (Jesse Frankovich)

The headline “Masters of the Uni-Verse” is by Kevin Dopart; Beverley Sharp wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running — deadline 4 p.m. ET Saturday, Nov. 18: Our Week 45 contest for funny ideas for items in mail order catalogs such as Hammacher Schlemmer’s. Click here for details.  

Last, if you are a free subscriber and can afford a paid subscription, please consider supporting The Gene Pool. Our paying subscribers let us continue to expand and experiment while keeping most of this newsletter free and open to all. It’s $50 a year or $5 a month.

We have arrived at the point in The Gene Pool where Gene answers your questions and observations, in real time. Reminder: if you are reading this in real time, keep refreshing your screen. Many of today’s observations are responses to Gene’s call for what your first purchase would be if you won 11.26 million dollars in cash.

Q:  If the Millionaire would give me $11 million, I would buy another house. I am 87 years old. My name is Margaret Herring, like the fish. I deserve a free subscription. I’m a Democrat and voted for Adlai Stevenson the first time I voted. I very much enjoy the Gene pool.

A: The fish is named MARGARET?   You win a  subscription.   

My first vote was for George McGovern.   Unlike you, sweetie, I am a child.    

True story:  In 1972, I had just gotten my first job, as a reporter for a small newspaper in Albany, N.Y.  But I had not yet re-registered to vote.   So I could only vote in the Bronx, though I was newly living in Albany, and I had a job requiring me to cover the 1972 Albany elections. I had turned 21 the month before. I took a bus to NYC at 3 a.m. and got to the polling place at 6 a.m., exactly when it opened, voted for George, and then took a bus back so I could do my job. 

When I told my pa what I was going to do, he offered to vote for McGovern so I wouldn’t have to make the trip. (He would never have voted for a Republican — his very first vote was for FDR against Alf Landon in 1936 — but was planning to sit this one out, and so made this generous offer.) I told him that I could not let him do that, that I had to make that trip. It may have been the only heroic thing I ever did. 

Q:  To the guy who would take loved ones out for dinner with the windfall, a story that is not hilarious but sweet: My dad had a job that he used to love but had grown to hate, was at retirement age, and announced his intention to leave. His bosses asked, what would it take to keep you until we can find your replacement? He said, part moonshot part joke, “Double my salary.” They did! A year later, still not having found someone with all the qualifications and also the willingness to do the job, same question same answer. They gave it to him again. (And they finally found a replacement after that.) He took his kids, grandkids, sister, and niece out to dinner. In Paris. It was **great** — my dad is a strange dude, but really sweet, too. — Elizardbeth

A: Hi, Liz. I pulled this from the comments on Tuesday.   It kinda made me tear up.  

TIMELY TIP: If you’re reading this right now, on an email:   Click here to get to my webpage, then click on the top headline (In this case, “ The Invitational, Week 46 ….” for the full column, and comments, and real-time questions and answers. And you can refresh and see new questions and answers that appear as I regularly update the post from about noon to roughly 1 p.m. ET today.

Also! There won’t be a lot of Q’s and A’s after this. I’ve been having a pretty stressful week. Also! I don’t want to forget so I am laying it out now: Just a reminder: We will be running an Invitational ON Thanksgiving because it The Invitational runs on Thursday and, until the end of time and The Heat Death of the Universe, will always run on Thursdays.

Q:  Any opinion on Michael Ramirez’s complaint in Newsweek regarding the "canceling" of his cartoon in the Post (I disagree with most things Ramirez draws, but this one seemed right on the money. However, his blaming of “political correctness and the woke movement” really rubbed me the wrong way.

A:  This is quite dramatic.  I met Ramirez at the Pulitzer ceremonies in 2008.  I liked him.  I disagree with him on everything political — he is a rarity, a conservative political cartoonist — but I think he is right on this issue, and I think The Post did not need to apologize. The apology seemed wimpy at the least, cowardly at worst.   I am a little prejudiced on this matter, and might not have perfect judgment, for reasons you understand.

Q: Re your poll about cheating in a relationship.   

Sleeping with multiple people isn’t intrinsically bad. Cheating is bad because the underlying assumption is that the people in the relationship agreed not to do it. It’s the trust breach that’s the problem, not the act. I am appalled that so many people think the trust breach is okay. If you and your partner have an open arrangement, then that’s not cheating. Look at the word being used: cheating.

A: I am a fan of your analysis. Also, of urinalysis, but that is a different issue altogether, one I am not prepared to address.

Q: I have been doing business with Nate Niceswanger for years. I don't know if that’s an aptonym or not. Do you think I should ask his wife? Jon Gearhart, Des Moines

A: Yes, Jon, but do it on the phone.  I would not recommend it in person.  

Q:  Hi, Gene, I’m Audrey from Palm Desert, California. You’ve often talked about the health issues that you have, most of which you indicate come from your age (relatively young senior citizen) or, implicitly, from your apparently Ashkenazi Jewish gene pool (the other kind of gene pool). I share both these characteristics; I’m 69 and instead of a born-in-1984 spouse or significant other, I have a born-in-1984 son. I can’t decide whether trying to keep up with my millennial son helps me set aside my health issues, or whether it makes them stand out more. What are your observations on the effect of trying to keep up with your millennial girlfriend?

A:  Interesting question. She keeps me alive and engaged. I push myself, constantly, so that I don’t seem old to her.    I hope your son does the same for you.   Thanks for asking.  

Q:  I would buy something from Donald Trump that he reported on a government form was worth $10 million for the purposes of computing his income tax. — Larry Carnahan 

A: Nice. 

Q:   I’d get one billion one hundred twenty-six million pieces of penny candy.

This is a bad post because you have to specify what candy. I would insist on Nickel Nips.  Though you could only get about a million of them.  

Q: I will buy a mint condition 1952 Topps Mickey Mantle rookie baseball card that I will gift to Gene Weingarten two years to the day after my purchase. Any associated taxes fully paid by me. That said, for every week that I do not receive at least 5 inks, I will clothespin that card to my bike’s front tire spokes and ride 10 miles on the C&O canal towpath. If I am not an Invitational Hall of Famer by the end of the two years, the Mantle card gets flushed down the commode like a dead goldfish.

A: This is my first winner. 

Q: I’d buy $11.26 million worth of electrons so I’d never have to pay to subscribe to anything online ever again. Well, for a few weeks, anyway. — Dave Zarrow, Somewhere in Illinois

A: Thanks Dave. Good to talk to you again. Folks, this is the world’s funniest office products dealer.

Q: Belated prank entry: My family of origin switched to a White Elephant gift exchange at Christmas once there were an absurd number of us and it was silly and expensive to try to figure out gifts. I found an old Flowbee hair trimmer (which appears to still exist?!) at Goodwill, in its original box, with hair trapped in all the parts. So I wrapped that baby up for the exchange. It continued to reappear each year, in various disguises to make it seem like it might be something else. Finally, after about five years, my mom noted that it had been shipped to someone originally and the address was on the box. A bit of internetting suggested that person still lived there. So we wrapped it back up and sent it to its original owner. People I’ve told this story to have said we should have included a note and an address so we could hear the reaction, but I find it purer and more delightful to just imagine their confusion. Like it was some sort of Incredible Journey and the Flowbee had made its way back to Florida from Delaware, possibly with animal helpers along the way.

A: Very nice. And I agree with you.

This is Gene. I am heading out. Sorry for the somewhat abbreviated Q & A. I will frontload more later. Please send in more.