The Invitational Week 44: Rhyme and Rhyme Again

Write a funny 'monorhyme,' a poem whose lines all rhyme on the same sound. Plus winning 'Am I the Asshole' questions.

Not so much, according to a news story turned into rhyme in this week’s Invitational. (Art available at PosterFoundry.com.)

Hello. Today is all fun and games, with the regular Thursday Invitational Gene Pool. But first, a mildly disturbing two-question Gene Pool Gene Poll.

Well, that was awkward, wasn’t it?

Okay, this week’s contest:

Woohoo!/ It’s New/ For You/ To Do!

CLEAR GOGGLES

“ ‘Beer goggles’ study finds alcohol does not make people seem better looking” —The Guardian
From lunk
To hunk
When drunk?
It’s bunk!
— Marshall Begel

The Invitational has run literally hundreds of poetry contests over the past 1,561 weeks of its dauntless existence. But never had it presented the simple (though not necessarily easy) one we offer today.

For Invitational Week 44: Write us a funny monorhyme, a poem of any length whose lines all rhyme on the same sound, as in the pithy example above that appeared last month as one of the news-based “Poems of the Week” in the journal Light. (By “rhyme” we mean “perfect rhyme,” — i.e., “little” doesn’t rhyme with “skittles” or “kettle.”) Also, like the example above: The poem must relate to some published writing — a news article, a book, a play, an ad, even another poem. Include the headline or title of that writing, as above, along with a link if you’re quoting an online article or ad; you may use that (or a paraphrase) as the title of your monorhyme, or you can supply a separate title, as Marshall Begel does above.

Click here for this week’s entry form. Or go to bit.ly/inv-form-44. No special formatting this week; just send them as they ought to appear. (But do look one more time at the directions above.) As usual, you can submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form.

Deadline is Saturday, Nov. 11, at 4 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Nov. 16.

The winner gets, somewhat apropos of this week’s contest, “The Dr. Seuss Coloring Book,” a quality-paper volume brimming with black-and-white Yertles and Two Fish and Hortons and Truffula Trees and many more (including the occasional 1930s Asian stereotype).  Donated by Pie Snelson. 

We won’t tell if you make the Red Fish a Blue Fish. This week’s prize.

Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of ten nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Meanwhile, we need questions / observations / reactions that Gene can answer right here, in real time. Send ’em to this tasteful orange button:

Butts of the Joke: The ‘AITA’ questions of Week 42

In Week 42 we asked you to write us a question inspired by the “Am I the Asshole?” forum on Reddit. By our accounting, in thirty of the answers, the writer is the asshole. In three, the other person is the asshole. And in two, both are assholes. See if you agree.

Third runner-up: On a date with my new girlfriend, I started necking with her in the car, rather vigorously, I must say.  Later, my mother scolded me, “I saw what you two were doing and it was embarrassing and totally inappropriate.” I lost it, screaming, “Then next time, I won’t ask you to chaperone!” AITA? (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

Second runner-up: Early in our relationship, my girlfriend (25f) and I (27m) gave each other a “hall pass” to sleep with the celebrity of our choice. I learned that my chosen celebrity’s name is quite common in our area. I contacted about a dozen of them online and had one-night stands with a few. When my girlfriend found out she left me. AITA? (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

First runner-up: I (1f) chewed on a shoe so I got put outside and I dug up the yard so I got put in the garage and I tore apart my bed so I got put back inside and I destroyed a fall decoration so I got put back outside and I damaged a lawn chair (just a little) so I got put back in the garage and I ate a rubber mat so I got put back inside and I threw up the rubber mat in the hallway and I got called a bad dog. AITA? (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

And the winner of the 1950s child-rearing pamphlet Making the Grade as Dad:
My husband (37m) just discovered I’ve been paying a pool boy (22m) for services all summer, and wants to fire him because we don’t have a pool. AITA? (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

Bringing Up the Rear: Honorable mentions

I guess I have a talent for rearranging the letters of people’s names into funny anagrams, and like to share them with the subjects. But at the 20th-anniversary tribute dinner for my boss, I joked that “Dick F. Putterheus” anagrams to “The Stupid Fucker” and there was this awkward silence. AITA? (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

My friends fill my Facebook feed with their annoying Wordle grids every day.  I've begged them to stop, but they persist in flaunting their little lines of colored squares.  So now, every day I post charts of my bowel movements. AITA? (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

AITA if I ran out of apples for trick-or-treaters and made a few caramel-covered onions?  (Jesse Frankovich)

I often hold a football for my friend Charles to practice field goal kicking, and, well, for reasons of my own, I move it away at the last second every single time, causing Charles to fall on his butt.  But listen to this: He still has me hold the ball, and he still tries to kick it — every time.  And though it has been 37 years since the last straight-on kicker, Charles still tries it that way, instead of soccer-style. I ask you: Who’s the A? — L. Van Pelt (Judy Freed)

If it be true I murdered mine own nephew’s father and then married his mother so I couldst be king and then paid two of his friends to poisoneth him and then his mother kicketh the bucket instead, doth I be the arsehole? (Jesse Frankovich)

In my fantasy league I need a QB for the upcoming bye week, so I offered my buddy a trade:  Bijan Robinson (RB/ATL) for Kirk Cousins (QB/MIN).  He said fine but only if he could date my sister and I said which one, Cara or Marie.  He said Cara, and I said in that case he needs to throw in Sam LaPorta (TE/DET) because Cara is way hotter than Marie.  He offered Justin Tucker (K/BAL) but only if I can guarantee he gets to second base with Cara.  I responded that in that case, I am definitely holding out for LaPorta, which he says is unreasonable. AITA? (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

So I (77M) was standing in the middle of Fifth Avenue and this total woke nutjob was all like “hey, you suck” so I shot him and after that my approval ratings went through the roof. AITA?  (Jesse Frankovich)

When I see cars with those “Student Driver” signs, I always make sure to pass them on the right, or cut them off on a quick lane change, so they get real-world driving experience in a relatively safe way while learning. But instead, I always get a dirty look from the instructor. AITA? (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

My carjacker swore at me as he drove away for not getting out of the car fast enough.  AITA? (Sam Mertens)

I loved my role in “Our American Cousin” and was looking forward to getting a big laugh after my “sockdologizing” line, just like at every performance at Ford’s. Then right at my shining moment, somebody shot the President, and in all the fuss I never even got a snicker. When I complained about this afterward, people didn’t seem sympathetic in the least. AITA? — Harry Hawk (Judy Freed)

I was supposed to find cheap spices, but ended up establishing a supply chain for tomatoes, potatoes, pumpkins, corn, and yep, gold. But now they’re calling me a monster! How was I to know syphilis, smallpox, and colonialism would be such a problem for the locals? Who’s the asshole here? — C.C., Genoa (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

If Johnny started it but Johnny told Mom that I started it and then I told Mom that Johnny started it and that Johnny eats boogers, AITA? (Jesse Frankovich)

I’m in charge of our company’s voicemail, and I have seen to it that it still orders customers to listen carefully because our menu options have changed, even though the last change was in 1997. This angers some longtime customers who think it wastes their time and is a bald-faced lie, but as far as I am concerned, if just one confused senior citizen each year pays extra attention so that they don’t inadvertently choose an option not tailored to their needs …” (Jeff Rackow, Bethesda, Md.)  

My lady friend got mad at me for wearing shorts to her mom’s funeral.  I explained to her that my Dolce & Gabbana shorts cost me $325 — more than most of the attendees’ entire outfits! I told her it would have been far more disrespectful if I had worn pants from, like, Old Navy. I mean, am I the asshole here? (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

We think traffic laws, bank deposit insurance, and Supreme Court ethics laws are all unconstitutional because they didn’t exist in 1789. AWTA? — J.R., C.T., S.A., B.K., A. C-B., N.G. (Names withheld by request) (Marc from the Military, Travis Air Force Base, Calif.)

For no reason whatsoever, Donald Trump called me an asshole, etc.  Am I the asshole? (Bill Jacobs, Fairfax, Va.)

I grew up playing sports with my wife’s younger brother, Liam. He was a little guy but fit and athletic. We saw each other naked in locker rooms innumerable times.
    Now in his twenties, Liam transitioned and last year completed the surgeries and changed their name to Linda. Linda visited us recently and looks great — much hotter than their sister, my wife, I might add. While Linda was showering, I opened the door for a peek. After all, I’d seen Liam naked lots of times, so what the hell?
      Linda screamed, then my wife ran in and screamed at me, too. Both packed and left, calling me an A-hole. C’mon, seriously, AITA? (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

I answered her, “Yes, you do, but you’d look fat in anything.” She got steamed. Does honesty make me the asshole? (Jesse Frankovich)

I live in California but have figured out how to get the Eastern feed of “Jeopardy!” three hours earlier. Then when our family watches the local broadcast that evening, I do well, but never overdo it or rub it in — like, I don’t bet a lot on Daily Doubles. I think it encourages my wife and kids to up their game. AITA? (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

I do not like my neighbor, Sam.
His perfect life is just a sham.
So if I shagged his girlfriend Pam,
Would you say I the asshole am? (Jesse Frankovich)

My neighbor is nice and, to be honest, quite hot, but she has one habit that annoys me: When she showers, she often fails to wash her back. I can’t help but notice through my binoculars that she’ll soap every other part of her body, but she usually neglects to use a long-handle loofah or something to get those hard-to-reach places. I mentioned it to her in passing one day when I was walking the dog, and she got all mad and ran inside. AITA? (Leif Picoult)

After a week of constipation, I finally had a gigantic BM that stretched across the toilet bowl. I left it unflushed so my wife would see the good news. Instead, she wasn’t even happy for me. AITA? (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

I use my gas-powered leaf blower every morning before leaving for work so my family can wake up to a pristine lawn. While I’m at it, I also clear my neighbors’ lawns so they can wake up to pristine grass, too. However, some of my neighbors have asked me not to! I’m, like, who would complain about a free lawn service — don’t they know how much those landscaping companies charge for that? Am I the asshole? (Leif Picoult)

Based on a true story: For Mother’s Day I bought my wife a new laundry basket, since the old one had cracked under the strain of heavy loads she was carrying up and down the stairs. The new one even has a curved side so it doesn’t cut into her hip. My wife smiled when I gave it to her, but my daughters were furious. I was only thinking of her and her comfort.  AITA? (Jeff Contompasis)

I know anything goes these days, but I was raised with traditional values. When I got married, I could tell on our wedding night that my bride wasn’t a virgin. I mentioned this to my in-laws, thinking they might apologize for raising a wayward daughter and maybe make a small cash gift to compensate, but they haven’t spoken to me since. Am I, you know, the bad person? (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

My sibling is a total suck-up to our parents. They lavish praise on him, constantly telling him he’s a good boy. One day I got so fed up that I knocked over a vase on the table near where he was sitting so he’d be blamed. Am I the asshole? — Mittens (P.S. I don’t actually care what you think.) (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.)

If I used ChatGPT to write this entry because this contest is really hard, and this entry gets ink, AITA or IAITA? (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

I’m a cable installer. My office gives you a window of time to expect me, but I won’t show up anyway — unless you take a minute to pee, and then I’ll leave a note on your door and run. AITA? (Jon Gearhart)

I sell insurance. Am I the Asshole? (Neal Starkman, Seattle)

And Last: My favorite humor/wordplay contest is the best thing on Substack! So I gave everyone I knew my Substack paid-subscription password. But the editors didn’t appreciate my spreading the word. AITA?  (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

And Even Laster:  I’m humbly sitting out this week’s contest, painfully aware that anything I’d produce would just seem lame next to the witty humor and sparkling anecdotes of other Losers, all of whom can draw upon boundless life experiences as genuine assholes to — what? (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

The headline “Butts of the Joke” was submitted by both Kevin Dopart and William Kennard; and both William and Beverley Sharp sent in the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running — deadline 4 p.m. ET Saturday, Nov. 4: Our Week 43 contest for “Life Lessons” to be learned from various places and situations. Click here for details.  

Last, if you are a free subscriber and can afford a paid subscription, please consider supporting The Gene Pool. Our paying subscribers let us continue to expand and experiment while keeping most of this newsletter free and open to all. It’s $50 a year or $5 a month.

So here comes the renowned real-time questions / observations part of the Gene Pool, and answers thereto. Most of the Q/O’s today are related to our call for pranks, and our analysis of the degree of sinning by Hasan Minhaj, whose standup routines have been found to be riddled with exaggerations and fabrications.

REMINDER: If you are reading this in real time, keep refreshing your screen to see more Q’s and A’s.

Q:  Regarding your opinion on the need for truth in comedy: So if some of the indignities that Rodney Dangerfield claims to have experienced didn't occur, that's a problem? Dan Sachs, Pineville NC

A:  C’mon, Dan.  This is all about presenting something as true when it isn’t, particularly if you are trying to make a political argument.  No one on Earth thought any of Rodney’s one-liners were true. The silliness of them was part of the joke.  There was no deception and no attempt at deception. 

One year I asked Rodney Dangerfield to choose the winners of a Style Invitational contest to come up with Rodney-isms. He judged it with Bob Saget, who happened to be a guest in his house. I am not making this up.

Their first-prize winner was by the great (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge).   Rodney later told it on the Jay Leno show.  This was it:

“I don't get no respect in bed. My wife’s favorite position is back-to-back.”

Here were their runners-up:

"I asked the bartender for the strongest thing he had. His bouncer beat me up!’’ (Mark Young)

“I told my wife, Let’s have sex like animals. She said, “All right, I'll be a possum.” (Chris Doyle)

“This girl is ugly. She hands out whistles to construction workers.” (Jean Sorensen)

And: “My wife told me she wants to make another kid. I told her, You're too old for another kid. She said, I mean the kid next door!”(Chris Doyle)

I wrote about this conversation after Rodney died.  Here it is.    

Rodney was born Jacob Cohen, by the way. 

—

Q: A minor prank, but one I found amusing. On picture day (back in the days when every student sat for a black & white photo once a year), all the boys in the high school's sophomore class participated in the following: The first in line went in wearing a pair of black Buddy Holly-style glasses. When finished, he handed the glasses to the next boy in line. This was repeated until all photos had been taken. The result was a yearbook in which every sophomore boy had on big black glasses, and I'm sure there were a lot of mothers unhappy with their sons' class photos.

A: This is a fine prank, particularly because the main prankees are their parents. 

AND FINALLY, this just in from the Daily Beast:

“Over the course of seven years, Mike Johnson has never reported a checking or savings account in his name, nor in the name of his wife or any of his children, disclosures show. In fact, he doesn’t appear to have money stashed in any investments, with his latest filing—covering 2022—showing no assets whatsoever.”

How is this possible? And might it explain why Johnson wants to defund the IRS???? Thoughts / observations are encouraged.

TIMELY TIP: If you’re reading this right now, on an email:   Click here to get to my webpage, then click on the top headline (In this case, “The Invitational, Week 44… “ for the full column, and comments, and real-time questions and answers. And you can refresh and see new questions and answers that appear as I regularly update the post from about noon to roughly 1 p.m. ET today.

Q: Years ago I was at the Georgetown Four Seasons, Larry The Cable Guy was in the elevator. In his ratty stand-up costume. I know who is is. He asked me "what floor?" Larry is NOT A SOUTHERN MAN, he had no accent, sounded like Johnny Carson. His entire shtick is A LIE that literally writes itself.

A: Not sure if you are being a troll, but if you are not … Wrong.  Nothing dishonest about this.   It’s a character he adopts, and rather well.   This would be like complaining that Stephen Colbert was lying when he posed as a right-wing asswipe.  

By the way, Larry the Cable Guy was born Daniel Lawrence Whitney, in Nebraska.  Johnny Carson grew up in Nebraska.  

Q:  Re: Minhaj. Couldn't he have gotten both humor and the honesty by being a little less lazy in his writing? For instance, tell the story about the date’s mother truthfully, then end with the punchline “What, you couldn't save the heartbreak and racism for the front doorstep when I picked up your daughter?”

A: Not a bad solution.  But he wasn’t interested in truth.  It was irrelevant to him. 

Q: Longtime reader in Detroit (Actually Allen Park, home of the Big Tire) who remembers your days at the Freep, here. Late with a prank, a Halloween one, though not really intended as a prank:

A week ahead of Halloween, I erected a gallows next to my small front porch, and hung a figure consisting of a black hood, my work coveralls, gloves, boots, etc. Evening of Halloween, I took the place of the dummy. I donned my six point safety harness, the coveralls etc, and suspended myself from the gallows by a concealed aircraft cable, wearing a bulky rope noose for show. I'd made a black hood for myself out of multiple layers of sheer black material that looked opaque, though I could see fine from inside. Inside my coveralls I had a carpenter's nail pouch full of candy to hand out. Kids would of course come to the door and shout, "Trick or Treat!" and I'd hand them the treat from where I hung to their left.

The littlest ones were the best, like one ~4 year old girl whose dad, as she toddled up the steps, said (jokingly, he thought) "He's got the candy!" gesturing to me. "That's right, sweetie!" says I, handing her the candy, which she accepted with an adorable tiny 'thank you' as her dad appeared to have an accident in his shorts. To a four-year-old, the world is full of magic, unexpected things, especially on All Hallows Eve, so I wasn't shocking to her, but her old man…

A: Nice. 

Q: This prank story was told by Brian, the funniest man I ever met. Don’t know for sure if it is true, but if it isn’t, it should have been.

In the early 70s, Brian and his friend worked as co-bartenders in a local watering hole. A not too popular regular one day proclaimed that he had just purchased a brand new Cadillac Eldorado…the most beautiful, powerful and luxurious car ever built! Each day, arriving for his cocktail hour, he had a new story of just how great his new Cadillac was.

Brian and his buddy purchased several one-gallon gas cans and kept them filled and hidden near the parking lot behind the bar. When Mr. Cadillac would arrive to brag anew about his most excellent car, one of them would sneak out back and add a gallon or two of gas to the Caddy. (Gas caps had no key back then.)

They continued doing so for a couple months (remember when gas was cheap?), never adding enough to noticeably move the fuel gauge, but enough to seriously skew the gas mileage. Soon the stories became about how the big, beautiful, luxurious Cadillac got nearly 30 mpg, unheard of back then for even a small car. Unbelievable! Then one day, they stopped. Suddenly the daily stories changed to how this months-old Cadillac was going to hell and no one knew why. The gas mileage had dropped to around 10 mpg. Rumor had it the mechanics would cower in the break room whenever Mr. Cadillac would come in and demand to know what had gone wrong with his new car. Brian never told a soul for twenty-five years.

A: I really hope this is true.

Q: I think you’re right about Minhaj, but couldn’t he use your confessions about moving time frames and using minor inessential details that you are not sure you are remembering correctly and post-dating your thoughts … to justify what he did?

A:  He absolutely could, and probably would, but only because he is dishonest.   My whole point is that I never made anything up.  Never invented an incident that didn’t happen.  Never invented dialogue. Making up that he spilled anthrax on his daughter, and got roughed up by a cop, and got a verbal beat-down on the doorstep by his date’s mother on prom night  … that is felonious fabrication.  You were entitled to believe these things, and I don’t understand those who do not feel betrayed.

Q: If you go to a comedy club, you go to laugh. Who cares if the comedian is bullshitting some “anecdote” as long as it’s funny.? That’s like going to a strip club and getting outraged that a stripper has implants. 

A: Funny analogy.  Wrong, but funny. 

Q: Gene, I think your discussion of pranks is missing the example of Jim pranking Dwight on the American version of The Office. The show revered pranking and came up with some really original ones. You are not a fan of the show?

A:  I am a fan, but these were fictional, which is not what I was looking for. (See the whole discussion about truth vs. fiction that preceded it.)    But the stuff is excellent, of course.  I love Jim’s deadpan.  I also liked the very simple prank involving the coat rack. 

Q:  John Cleese did a version of the hearing aid joke in Fawlty Towers: 

A: Indeed. 

This is Gene. I want to interrupt this excellent, happy, spirited session with some curmudgeonry. FWIW, to every single one of you who answered the second poll by saying they loved their children ABSOLUTELY EQUALLY: You are lying, either to us or to yourselves, or both. It is of course possible to love all of one’s children fiercely, and I suspect most people do. BUT MATHEMATICALLY EQUALLY is an impossibility. We are human. We have preferences. Sorry.

Q: Have you or any of the Losers attempted Cain's Jawbone?

A: I have the book but have yet to attempt it, and probably never will.  The puzzle looks like a tedious chore.  Am I wrong? 

This is Cain’s Jawbone.  

Q: Regarding the Popcorn Song, this is my favorite version:

. After you have watched it once, turn on Closed Captions and run through a second time.

A: It is indeed lovely.

Q: In "If I used ChatGPT to write this entry because this contest is really hard, and this entry gets ink, AITA or IAITA?", what does IAITA mean?

A: It means “Is AI the asshole?”

Q: I don't know if this counts as a prank, but it's true. I has an uncle who, back in the ’50s ran for mayor of a small town on a law and order ticket because liquor stores were being broken into and he was the only who could stop it, because HE was the one breaking in. -Tom Logan, Sterling, VA

A: Was that what he claimed, as a joke, or was it also true? Please be true.

Q:  Here’s a prank that pratfalled.   

Almost to an almost-man "Jake" was hated. But he could hit. He was also over six feet, not bad looking and an asshole --- qualities that almost-women seemingly found irresistible at the time. Did I say we hated him ? "We" were seniors on a pretty good high school baseball team in a league whose players were more likely to get a chess or cello scholarship offer than an athletic one. 

But we tried, even if visions of playing big league ball were reserved for daydreams --- too often occurring when we were playing. Jake's assholery knew few bounds. He strutted and preened. He was a bully and a bigot. And that's just the "Bs." His worse sin, however, was calling us "scrubs." Already sensitive and self-aware cellists and chess players don't like to be called scrubs. Anyway, Jake was convinced his ability to pole a ball over short outfield fences would be his complimentary ticket to college. Three of us scrubs decided to make that come true --- more or less. It helped that one of us had a well-placed and bored older relative on staff at a nearby university and the other a sibling there. Their connivance and a modicum of luck were all we needed --- more or less. As graduating seniors with our college tickets already punched, we had plenty of spare time to cackle out the scheme. It started with a letter on the university's athletic department letterhead, inviting Jake to visit --- and yes, our coach did check. But you don't eventually go on to careers requiring attention to detail without developing the knack to attend to details early on. The calls went through that well-placed relative at the university (using an alias of course) or the soon-to-graduate brother. 

After smugly regaling us with the invitation, Jake duly visited, armed with stats and a video of his purported prowess and was met with the expected blank stares. When we asked about the visit, Jake was unnaturally reticent, muttering something about having to wait to see. 

Then, he received a call inviting him to return. Needless to say we were shocked --- even more so when we found out it came from the university baseball coach, not one our accomplices who had taken it upon himself to freelance. And yes --- as an outstanding exemplar of that Robert Burns expression about best laid plans --- our scheme went badly awry. Turns out the coach was looking for another first baseman and someone remembered Jake's tape. He was officially invited to join the team as a preferred walk on (subject to a tryout). He did get a roster spot, but we took cold comfort in also learning his assholery got the better of his ability on the field and he was eventually cut.

A: Don’t you love it when a plan fails to come together?  (A-Team reference.)

Q: The single greatest office prank I have ever witnessed was pulled by my co-worker. There was an office holiday party in the big conference room. Our office manager was big on Festivus especially “the airing of grievances.” People placed on the whiteboard “My office is too hot,” “My office is too cold” and “We need another fridge in the break room.” The next day, my co-worker and I ducked into the big conference room to discuss some ideas. He noticed no one had erased the whiteboard, so he added “The booze is watered down” and “Not enough hookers.”

 We left wondering when someone would notice. What we didn’t know was the Program Manager had a meeting with several VIPs later. During his presentation, one of the visitors read the board and asked if the PM was misappropriating funds for alcohol and prostitutes. 

After the VIPs left, he went on a rampage, running up and down the halls screaming, “What goddamned, son-of-a-bitch wrote about booze and hookers!?!” I turned to my co-worker and said, “I was never in the conference room today and you were never in the conference room today.” He replied, “Agreed.” I’m still in touch with the guy online. Every once in a while I’ll mention the “incident.” Good times.

A: Someone was actually big on Festivus?

Q: I read about this practical joke in a physics textbook while I was in graduate school. I've forgotten the book's title & author and the name of the perpetrator, but he was a physics professor at some university. He mounted a battery-driven gyroscope - a substantial one, not a little toy one like you got at the Smithsonian when your sixth-grade class went there on a field trip - in a suitcase, which he would take to an airport or train station as his luggage. On arrival at the porter's station, he'd set the suitcase down, surreptitiously switch the gyroscope on, and tell the porter "Follow me!". Then he'd stride off with the porter, suitcase in hand, hurrying close behind. After a short time, he'd suddenly change directions, turning sharply to the left or right. When the porter followed, he'd experience the well-known principle of the Conservation of Angular Momentum: in this case, the suitcase would suddenly rise from the porter's side and attempt to escape his grasp and fly off into the environs.

A:  Excellent.  Any prank involving The Conservation of Angular Momentum is perforce genius.

Q: I went to graduate school at Cornell. The architecture students had (I don’t know if they still do) a tradition of dying the campus lake green for St Patrick’s Day. To play along with this, the architecture graduate students had a party with a green theme—green beer, green-colored cookies, a cake with green icing, etc. The wife of one of the students was a nurse, and she got hold of a medication called methylene blue. (This is used to treat a condition called methemoglobinemia, which occurs when the blood cannot deliver oxygen where it is needed in the body). One of the side effects of methylene blue is that it makes you pee green. She surreptitiously mixed it into the cake icing. For the next couple of days, at least in the school’s men’s room, you could tell who had attended the party.

A: When I was a young man, I had a minor urinary problem that was treated with a drug named Urised.  Urised turned your pee blue.   Not like a light, cerulean blue.  Blue, like  the cap of a Bic pen.  I had great fun with this.   Once, at a baseball game, I was peeing in a trough-tub along with other guys, who were noticing.  I pulled a lighter from my pocket and spoke into it:  “Gardak reporting. Earth colonization plans complete.  Returning to Mother Ship.”

Q: Once upon a time I had a knack for being the last guy a woman would date before they met their husband. It didn't happen 100% of the time. But for a couple decades it occurred enough that I privately called myself Mr. Penultimate. It stopped when I turned about 40.  

A:  You are burying the lede, as we journos say.  What happened at 40? 

Q:  The most profound aphorism I've read in recent years is from Mike Tyson, in response to a reporter's question about his plan for fighting Evander Holyfield: "Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the mouth." I am not a boxing fan, and I don't remember where I read this, but I can't think of any more poignantly true observation. La Rochefoucauld, Voltaire and Mark Twain can move over.

A: It is an excellent quote.  Whether it is original to Iron Mike is in doubt.  Quotes are difficult to run down, but it does appear Joe Louis said: “Everyone has a plan until they get hit.”  If so, Tyson’s is derivative, but better.   Joe Louis might have stolen it from someone else, of course. Nothing is original. For all we know the originator might have been Entellus, the guy in ancient Rome who fought naked. He was in the Aeneid

This is Gene: Now that we are going classical, I would like to end today with a story from my house this morning.

In editing this Gene Pool, I wanted to confirm the accuracy of Jesse Frankovich’s excellent letter from Claudius, the King, so I consulted someone far more familiar than I am with Shakespeare.   This is how the conversation went, verbatim. 

Gene: Can I read you something and you can tell me if it’s accurate to Hamlet?

Rachel: Yes.

Gene (Reads the entry)

Rachel: Yes. It is mostly accurate. 

Gene: Why do the friends get murdered, again? 

Rachel: Okay, so the king sends Hamlet to England with Rosencrantz and Guildenstern and a sealed note for the English King to kill Hamlet. But Hamlet has a bad feeling and looks at the note. So he substitutes another note, instructing the English king to kill Rosencrantz and Guildenstern instead.

Then pirates attack. 

Gene:  What? 

Rachel: Yes. They do. And so the sea voyage is interrupted, and Hamlet returns to Denmark with the pirates, which is necessary plot-wise, for the Denmark-based narrative to continue apace.   

Gene: Oh.

Rachel: Right.

Gene: So Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are dead. 

Rachel: Yes.  

Gene: And then the poisoning? I didn’t remember that the queen dies. 

Rachel: Okay, so.   Laertes and Hamlet are going to have a friendly swordfight because Hamlet killed Laertes’s dad sorta by accident but the fight is going to be just a game, but Claudius the king and Laertes poison Laertes’s sword so Hamlet’s death will look like an accident, and also Claudius poisons a big pearl and then puts it in Hamlet’s drink because that’s what you do, and then Gertrude says she’s going to drink the wine in celebration of Hamlet’s fine performance in the sword fight and Claudius says don’t drink it! And Gertrude says fuck you, I will, and does.  

Gene:  Does Laertes die?  

Rachel:  Yes, because at some point, for an unspecified reason, Hamlet and Laertes switch swords. So they both get stabbed by the same sword, and the best friends die side by side in a metaphorical statement that revenge sucks.  Also there is a talking ghost. 

Gene: I know that. 

Rachel:  Good. 

Gene: 

Rachel: WHAT?  

Gene: Nothing. 

Rachel: Good. Because this is the all-time greatest work of English literature!

Gene: I know! 

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Please keep sending in questions and observations right here. I will answer them next time.