The Invitational Week 38: Cross Us Up

Mirror a phrase, more or less, in this week's wordplay contest. And we offer a certain respect and admiration for Trumpsters.

Chi marks the spot in this week’s wordplay contest . (Film Journal)

Hello. Today is Invitational Thursday, featuring a new contest seeking funny mirror-image expressions, but first, you get to confront the empty, filthy soulless wretchedness that is you. Here’s today’s Gene Pool Gene Poll. (I remind you this is totally anonymous. This system has been set up so I don’t know who you are unless you tell me.)

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The Invitational, Week 38: Simultaneous, Explosive Chiasms

Not all men kiss their wives goodbye when they leave their homes, but all men kiss their homes goodbye when they leave their wives. (David Kleinbard)

If you’re planning to take a drive on the Beltway, don't start by taking a belt in the driveway. (Dave Zarrow)

I’d rather have bliss with two sisters than a cyst with two blisters. (Tom Witte)

This week’s contest is completely new and original, a lie that we justify to ourselves when it’s been ten years or more since we ran a previous one.  (In this case, twelve years.) For Week 38, write an original witticism containing a chiasmus — a sentence or phrase followed by its inversion, as in the examples above from a previous contest we don’t officially acknowledge. It may be on any subject: philosophical, political, personal, pseudo-literary, phallic, etc.  And it doesn’t even have to begin with P.

For this contest, we are using the term “chiasmus” to include its Patty-Duke-like nearly identical cousin called antimetabole. In short, we will accept entries in which the words in the first half of a phrase or a sentence are directly transposed in the second half, or where the initial sounds are playfully altered and inverted, spoonerism-style. The most famous example of the first type is John F. Kennedy’s “Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country.” The most famous example of the second type, attributed to various wits, is “I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.” 

Note: You may also use a word and its homonym (e.g., chased/chaste).

For more examples from The Time Before Memory, see here and here.

Click here for this week’s entry form. Or go to bit.ly/inv-form-38. As usual, you can submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same entry form. See the form for how to format your entries.

Deadline is Saturday, Sept. 30, at 4 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Oct. 5.

The winner gets one of our most Loserly prizes ever: this iron-on patch, even though it was not made specifically for the Losers, the moniker that the social community of Invitational contestants gave themselves decades ago, in honor of the contest’s prize for runner-ups at the time, a coveted T-shirt emblazoned “LOSER.” The patch was found and donated by Loser Extraordinaire Jonathan Jensen, who probably has one of these tattooed on his chest.

Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of ten nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for those who’ve just lost their Invite virginity.

Meanwhile, we need questions / ruminations / observations that Gene can answer in real time. Send ’em here:

Bless Their Hearts: Trumpster-positive thoughts from Week 36

In Invitational Week 36 we asked you to offer either respect or compassion for the many passionate admirers of Donald Trump.

Third runner-up:
Respect: No way would they vote for a guy who’d shoot someone on Third or Seventh Avenue. They’ve got standards, you know. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)  

Second runner-up:
Respect: They’ve broadened their thinking — they recently acknowledged that the Second Amendment does not guarantee all Hunters the right to bear arms. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

First runner-up:
Respect: Given the old adage, Trumpsters must have achieved bliss! (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

And the winner of the “Freudian Sips” coffee mug:
Compassion: Have you ever tasted snake oil? (Steve Smith)

EmPathetic: Honorable mentions

Respect / admiration

They alone have realized that Trump wasn’t lying about his weight — he just reported it in kilograms! (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

Trump supporters are admirably unselfish — you could never accuse them of voting in their own interest. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

They’ve successfully contradicted Descartes’ first principle:  They don’t, but still … they are! (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

That MAGA hat really brings out the red in their zits.  I’d almost say that it makes them pop, but it doesn’t quite. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

They’re so brave – even though they fear being raped and murdered by those people, they still eat at Taco Bell and Chipotle.  (Kevin Dopart, sojourning in Naxos, Greece)

They know and understand God’s immutable distinction between those who are permitted to grab genitals and those whose genitals are permitted to be grabbed. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

You’ve got to admire people whose jobs won’t be replaced by AI. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

Unlike the Democrats, at least they truly believe their guy ought to be president in 2025. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Compassion

Playing the role of a big strong man in tears who meets Trump everywhere and calls him “sir” is so time-consuming and hard on the lacrimal ducts! (Duncan Stevens)

They’ll have to settle for a low-rent version of “The Apprentice” called “The Apprehended,” which shows Trump making prison deals, such as ramen for smokes. (Leif Picoult)

The bus that shuttles them between the D.C. Jail and courthouse never shows any good movies. (Duncan Stevens)

Nobody looks good in a brown shirt. (Kevin Dopart)

So many of them still must endure having their medical bills paid by Obamacare. (Steve Smith)

Alas, none of them will be permitted to selflessly serve Trump’s jail time. (Steve Smith)

With all the different Trump trials coming up, there are so many jurors to stalk and threaten, so little time! (Duncan Stevens)

It’s sad for them when they realize they’re a — ugh — minority in this country. (Sam Mertens)  

Crotch-grabbing and making little kissy sounds hasn’t worked so well with the ladies after all. (Duncan Stevens)

It’s such a challenge now to get your mistress an abortion. (Kevin Dopart)

They’ve spent half their money on funding Trump’s legal defense, and soon they’ll spend the other half on mailing him shiv-filled MyPillows. (Leif Picoult)

It must be a struggle to be proud of the January 6 “protests” even though they were obviously the work of Antifa.  (Kevin Dopart)  

It must be unnerving that Trump probably is still nine criminal charges short of what he needs to win the presidency.  (Steve Smith)   

So many all-you-can-eat buffets don’t tell you they only mean it for the first four hours.  (Sam Mertens)   

They truly have no idea why so many of their friends and family members have died over the past three years. (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.)

Ode to the Trumpsters (a parody of Stephen Sondheim’s “Sorry-Grateful”)
(Video of Judy Freed performing it)
I’m truly sorry that you’re so hateful.
No use denying what makes you tick – just one big dic … tator.
You don’t live with him. You do live for him.
You’re scared they’re gonna lock him away. We only pray.

Good people scorn you, He does too.
It must not be easy being you.

And so I’m sorry you’re not regretful.
Why do I bother? You’ve all gone dim.
Your karmic footprint is looking grim,
Which has something to do — no, all to do with him.

He’ll always be what he always was,
So I’m sorry you fall for everything he does.
I want nothing to do with all to do with him.
(Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

And Last:  We should admire and respect Trump supporters!  After all, aren’t they losers with a capital L, too? (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

The headline “Bless Their Hearts” is by Beverley Sharp; Beverley also wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running — deadline 4 p.m. ET Saturday, Sept. 23: Our Week 37 contest for backronyms — you treat a name as an acronym and tell us what phrase it “stands for.” Click here or type in bit.ly/inv-week-37. 

Lastly, if you are a free subscriber and can afford a paid subscription, please consider supporting The Gene Pool. Paid subscribers allow us to continue to expand and experiment while keeping most of this newsletter free and open to all. It’s $50 a year or $5 a month.

So here comes the renowned real-time questions / observations / answers part of the Gene Pool. Today’s will include some Jills, little things that really annoy you that most people wouldn’t give a crap about, as well as thoughts on AI, generated by Tuesday’s chat. REMINDER: If you are reading this in real time, keep refreshing your screen to see more Q’s and A’s.

Which reminds me, using the apostrophe in the previous two instances is wrong, but necessary, so is actually right. Qs and As looks asinine.

Q:  My Jill is that  I am incandescently indignant that there is a three-syllable letter of the alphabet. 

A: Woww.

Q: My Jill is when someone says, “I saw the writing on the wall.” In the original story in the book of Daniel, everyone in the room could “see” the writing on the wall, but only Daniel was able to read it, understand it, and interpret its warning to the king. “Seeing” the writing on the wall , as a metaphor, is meaningless. The question is -- did you understand it? 

A: Whoa.  I never stopped to consider this.  This is a truly great Jill, because it is likely that you are only person to have parsed this and be annoyed by it … and your outrage is justified “Read” is defensible, but “see” is wrong.  Thankfully, Paul Simon used it correctly in Kodachrome:  When I think back on all the crap I learned in high school / It's a wonder I can think at all / And though my lack of education hasn't hurt me none / I can read the writing on the wall.  

Q: Is there such a thing as an expensive laugh?

A: You can laugh inappropriately at, say, a job interview.  That’s expensive. I had a friend, a hugely talented writer,  who did that in the 1990s, in an interview with WaPo editors.  He laughed in saying someone was “as queer as a three-dollar bill.”  End of job prospect.   But the most expensive laugh ever in American history came in the 1800s, as brilliantly chronicled here by an actor of my acquaintance.

TIMELY TIP: If you’re reading this right now on an email:   Click here to get to my webpage, then click on the top headline (In this case, “Cross Us Up” ), for the full column, and comments, and real-time questions and answers. And you can refresh and see new questions and answers that appear as I regularly update the post from about noon to roughly 1 p.m. ET today.

Q: Since AI is being trained on EXISTiNG text, speech, video, etc, won't there always be a "Kobayashi Maru" factor, where a human is one step ahead of the AI? I think this is a pretty good question, so I'm going to put my name to it: Tom Logan 

A: I think the point of Jeff Brechlin’s essay on Tuesday is that AI is taking itself to internal  levels of creativity, independent of prompts or previously published matter.  That it is … thinking.  

Q:  How's this for a petty little thing that annoys me but most people wouldn't think twice about: It bothers me when people take their food out of the microwave before the cooking time has expired and don't cancel it out back to zero, leaving that minor chore for the next person to deal with.

A: Another person talks about similar things — half-completed jobs, like bringing dishes into the sink but not rinsing them. I am guilty of so many of these things.

This is Gene, with a Public Service Announcement: I got a text from USPS last night telling me that my package was undeliverable and I needed to confirm the address.  I had, in fact, just mailed a package to Zambia.   USPS wanted me to reconfirm the address … and then to pay a 30-cent delivery fee, which would be refunded, via my credit card.   As I was about to do it, that last thing alerted me.  Yeah it wasn’t USPS.  It was a scam.  Don’t fall for it. 

Q: My Jill (or one of them). When someone dies of a disease, it’s often said that they “battled” the disease, or died “after a long battle” with it. This is ridiculous. Fortunately, I’ve yet to endure a debilitating illness, but people close to me have. They don’t “battle” the disease, their doctors and nurses do. The patient is the battlefield. 

A: This is definitely a Jill in that you might be completely alone.  I see your point but sometimes – often – staying alive rather than giving up or sinking into despair, and still staying open and available and helpful to loved ones, IS a battle, requiring an admirable sort of courage. 

Q: Just WHEN did commenting on a Gene Pool post get shifted over to the "only for paid subscribers" column? If you ever announced this change, I must have missed it, which I find hard to believe, because I've read every single post since January. Oh, wait: I was on vacation for three weeks in August, and may have missed a column or two. Did you sneak it in then? Serves me right. Too bad I have no chance to win one of those gift subscriptions.

A: It was last week, in The Gene Pool’s ninth month, very late for that decision from a successful substack.  I held out as long as it was sane to do so, but eventually I had to cave.   No, we didn’t announce it – people find out when they want to comment, and then have a decision to make.  The good news for you and others is that you DO have an ability to win one of the gift subscriptions, since you are a subscriber.  Another bit of good news: You can still send in a question or an observation, as is clear from the fact that I read this. 

(See what I did there?)

Q: Do you think this reporter gets stuck with these stories all the time?

A: If I’m the assignments editor, whenever one of these arises, she’s my gal.

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Q: Back in the infancy of the Gene Pool (i.e., a couple of months ago), I wrote in to confess that I — a man who leans so far left that I am functionally sideways — nevertheless find Lauren Boebert attractive. Despicable, shockingly ignorant, generally deplorable as a human being?, All of those things too, yes. Obviously. But attractive as well. I confessed to my great shame about this, and wondered whether other lefty men might feel the same as I. The recent scandal involving Boebert, which you linked to, with video, on Tuesday, giving an old-fashioned in a movie theater … It has only further complicated my already-complicated and shameful feelings about this. So I ask you again, Mr. Weingarten: Am I alone?

A: She is quite attractive, and I think that is at least partially responsible for her rise to fame despite being a moron.  Whether you can juggle the aggressive stupidity  in your head and actually FEEL attraction to her is a matter between you and your conscience.  Add in that freakily phony bosom.  

Q: My "jill" is when you leave the south and go to one of those northern states and you ask for sweet tea and they bring you a glass of tea with ice and sugar packets. Everyone knows you cannot dissolve sugar in cold liquid. You just end up with sweet sludge at the bottom of the cup and the tea isn't any sweeter. I get that those people up there in the north lack adequate taste sensors for good sweet tea and so why make it if people aren't drinking it but why not deliver a tiny pitcher of simple syrup with the unsweetened cold tea? Most restaurants that have bars have simple syrup already behind the bar so just pour a touch into a little cream pitcher and serve it with the iced tea. When I have company at my house that drinks their tea with less sugar than I do or they drink it *clutches pearls* unsweetened, I just provide a little pitcher of simple syrup next to the tea pitcher and let everyone sweeten to their own liking... even if you unsweetened people are just wrong. I am southern so I will be a hospitable host but I will silently judge you. But the person that decided to start serving iced tea with sugar packets can go pound sand. It's like saying "sorry we don't have what you want, here's a way to frustrate you even more by delivering ingredients you don't have the power to turn into sweet tea unless you travel with a can of sterno in your purse." And don't tell me to use that fake sweetener stuff, that stuff is disgusting and bitter and it gives me migraines. 

A: Interesting.  A geographically-based Jill. Our first.

Q: "What do you call the offspring when a French poodle mates with a butterfly? A pupillon." Is this a reference to the papillon breed, whose name derives from ears that look like butterflies?

A: Only indirectly..  It’s Just that “papillon” means butterfly in French.  I did spell it, incorrectly, as “pupillion” until I caught it midway through the chat. 

Q: Solution to your Jill about the iPhone not having an @ key on the main page, or a .com key anywhere:  The iPhone keyboard is context-sensitive. If one is using the Mail app, the To: field shrinks the space bar and puts an @ and a . to the right of it. Tap-hold on . brings up a .domain list with .com, .net, .org and more. In Safari, being in the URL field activates the .domain feature on the keyboard. If you really want to add @ and .com shortcuts, you can always create one under Settings -> General -> Keyboard -> Text Replacement. The letter “q” is usually a good prefix for text replacement because “u” usually follows it. “qa” could be replaced with “@“ and “qd” could be replaced with “.com” the same way that “qq” is replaced with shruggie ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ because that is a frequently used symbol everywhere. So, it’s not perfect. Qantas and Qdoba would require overriding the replacement, but it doesn’t require switching modes and is overall less typing. Enjoy.

A: I will never do this complex nerdy thing.  It scares me just reading it. I’d sooner be permanently disgruntled. 

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Q. Cotton. The cotton in pill bottles. Hate it.

A: I just want to say that the Jills are turning out to have beckoned out of hiding all the OCD people out there. By the way, it’s not cotton. It’s a synthetic and has been for decades.

Q: I asked Google Bard how to make a Gene Weingarten flavored pie and this is what it told me. Do you think it would be good and/or taste like you? 

Gene Weingarten Flavored Pie Ingredients: 1 pie crust (homemade or store-bought) 1 cup heavy cream 1/2 cup sugar 1/4 cup all-purpose flour 1/4 teaspoon salt 1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg 1/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon 1/4 teaspoon ground cloves 1/4 teaspoon ground ginger 1/4 teaspoon ground allspice 1/4 teaspoon ground black pepper 1/4 cup chopped walnuts 1/4 cup chopped dried cranberries 1/4 cup chopped chocolate chips Instructions: Preheat oven to 375 degrees F (190 degrees C).

 In a medium bowl, whisk together the heavy cream, sugar, flour, salt, nutmeg, cinnamon, cloves, ginger, allspice, and black pepper. Stir in the walnuts, cranberries, and chocolate chips. Pour the filling into the unbaked pie crust. Bake for 30-35 minutes, or until the crust is golden brown and the filling is bubbling. Let cool for at least 15 minutes before serving. Tips: For a more flavorful pie, precook the walnuts in a dry skillet over medium heat for a few minutes, until they are fragrant. If you don't have dried cranberries, you can use other dried fruits, such as raisins, cherries, or apricots. You can also add other ingredients to the filling, such as fresh berries, diced apples, or pumpkin puree. Serve the pie with a scoop of vanilla ice cream or whipped cream. This pie is inspired by the 

Washington Post columnist Gene Weingarten, who is known for his love of food and his quirky sense of humor. The pie is a combination of sweet and savory flavors, with a hint of spice. The walnuts, cranberries, and chocolate chips add a bit of crunch and sweetness, while the nutmeg, cinnamon, cloves, ginger, allspice, and black pepper give the pie a warm and inviting flavor.!  

A: Not enough spices.  It needed some curry.

Q: I asked Google Bard to write a Joke in the style of Gene Weingarten about how much gene hates Google Bard. This is what it      says What's the difference between Gene Weingarten and Google Bard? Gene Weingarten can actually write a joke. Either Google Bard doesn’t have the sense of humor that ChatGPT does or this is brilliant self-referential self-digging metahumor. I am undecided. 

A: Google Bard is a dope.  

Q:  From the Gene Pool on Tuesday:   I see that AI had generated five jokes, not four.  This was the one you didn’t use in the poll?   “Phil Spector's Lawyer: ‘My Client Is A Psychopath Who Probably Killed Lana Clarkson’”.   Why didn’t you use it? 

A:  It was the worst, but that’s not why.   I worried people would not remember Lana Clarkson, and it would throw a “huh?” monkey wrench  into the poll.

Q: Is it too late to report dreams? As a woman of a certain age, I am usually up in the night for a visit to the facilities. I've had recurring dreams of being in a large building, possibly academic, searching in vain for a restroom. But my most memorable dream was a rest stop on a tour bus. The gas station-type place had a door to the restroom that was about five feet above the floor. You had to leap up, grab the floor and haul yourself up. I couldn't do it, but fortunately I woke up before anything dire happened.

A: Very weird version of the can’t-get-there-from-here dream.

Q: Can you explain the rationale for saying that a Kentucky Fried Chicken is accepted as a geographic location for Muldoon purposes, but Mar-a-Lago and Sotheby’s are not? HawkRapids

A: Absolutely, Hawk.  “Kentucky” is a geographical place name.  We also accepted “Labrador,” meaning a dog, but also meaning the province. . Mar a Lago may BE in a certain place, but it is not a geographical location.   We would have had a discussion, Pat and I, if someone had written The Empire State Building, because although the building is not a Geographical location, “The Empire State” is in fact New York State, which is a geographical location.  I just phoned her and we agreed we would have accepted it.

Q: Here’s my Nickelback, something I love that no one else does: I love tongue. Also various other organ meats; brains I will eat only with some reluctance, and would probably never order, but I've never met another organ meat I didn't like. The euphemistic "sweetbreads" (thymus gland of a calf) are especially delicious. When I was a child my favorite meat was tongue, either in deli sandwich form or sliced whole smoked or boiled. I knew enough not to admit this to my censorious peers. Once I came across two girls, c. 11 years old, playing an apparently hilarious nickelback game in the canned vegetable aisle of a Kroger's, vying to see who could come up with the most repulsive food and loudly proclaim her love of it. The winner (I assume) was the one who grabbed a can, brandished it aloft and yelled: "Kidney beans! I LOVE kidney beans!" at which they both dissolved into gales of unstoppable mirth. I love kidneys, too. (Also kidney beans.)

A: I ate tongue, as a kid.  My parents loved it and so did I, if a little less so.  Eventually, I asked them, “what kind of meat is tongue?”  D’oh, they told me.  Ruined it for a while. 

Q: I suspect I have two Nickelbacks. I love soggy cereal. I'll let cereal sit in milk for 15 minutes so it gets damp with milk. If I had time I would let it go for an hour. I also love melted ice cream. Once in a while I'll buy myself a pint and put it in the microwave for 20 seconds before eating it.

A: You might be disgusting.  I am considering it.

Q: I’m the original poster of the ChatGPT challenges. I just wanted to say that I am by no means a fan of AI, except, perhaps, for using it to get a few cheap laughs. 

A: But you called those two answers I cited “The Greatest Thing Ever.”

Q: I didn't get a comment or reply to my question a week or so ago, so I have reframed it. MollyB I do not like cilantro, but when served it 'gainst my wishes; I find it tastes like something I would use to wash the dishes. But that suggests a question; and the answer, I would hope Is that folks who like cilantro also like the taste of soap.

A: I didn’t answer because I’ve addressed this before, but you are persistent, so: No, people who like cilantro don’t like the taste of soap. They don’t taste soap. The people who dislike cilantro, like you and me, have a genetic complication that makes cilantro taste like soap. If my brother Don is here, please tell us if cilantro tastes like soap to you.

Quick inst-poll:

This is Gene. I am now declaring us down. But first:

A terrific, nimbly reported and written  story in the NYT by Hannah Dreier, one of the many vastly gifted feature writers who, sadly, the Wapo allowed to walk away in the last year or two.  

Okay, please keep sending in questions / observations right here. I will be answering them next week.

And as always, please:

Urgent: This just in from my big brother: “Yeah, it tastes like soap. And I had a DNA test that told me I am so inclined, genetically.”