The Invitational Week 36: U ♥ TFG's BFFs

Plus winning 'mirthdays,' finding parallels between two people with the same birthday.

June 19 birthday boys Boris Johnson and Moe Howard, brought to our attention by Loser Kevin Dopart. See more natal-day linkages in today’s results below.

Hello. We’re going to get to The Invitational in just a minute or two, but first, as always, a Gene Pool Gene Poll. You demanded it. You engaged in a furious debate last week, mostly in the comments thread, over which is better: dark chocolate or milk chocolate. (It all began here.) The dark-chocolate devotees were more vocal, and more exercised. Do they need to be exorcised? So here we go. The final word. The results are binding.

And, just for the heck of it:

Okay, now for the new contest. For Invitational Week 36: We are asking all of you to reach out to beleaguered Trump supporters and bathe them in the warmth of your love, to help bind the nation’s wounds. More details below, but first, to get you in the mood, here is a song written and performed by veteran Loser Jonathan Jensen, who plays string bass in the Baltimore Symphony Orchestra.

Back to the notion of loving Trump lovers: There are two categories of entries we will accept:
1. A reason to feel compassion for Trumpers in this difficult time, and
2. A reason to respect and admire them.
Examples:

Compassion: Have you seen how much bootleg ivermectin costs these days?

Respect: They’re admirably loyal to their guy, just like that nutcake rabbi who was imploring Nixon not to resign even while the escape helicopter was already on the White House lawn and the president was having animated, paranoid conversations with paintings of previous presidents. 

This contest was suggested by Tom the Butcher.

Click here for this week’s entry form. Or go to bit.ly/inv-form-36. As usual, you can submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same entry form.

Deadline is Saturday, Sept. 16, at 4 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Sept. 21.

The winner gets a very nice coffee mug labeled Freudian Sips. Donated by Kathy Sheeran of Vienna, Va.

Best enjoyed with just a cigar. This week’s prize.

Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of ten nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a sweet email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for those who’ve just lost their Invite virginity.

Meanwhile, we need questions / ruminations / observations that Gene can answer in real time. Send ’em here:

Same-Day Deliveries: Shared birthdays from Week 34

In Week 34, we asked you to link two people who have or had the same birthday.

SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT! With the insane amount of ink he earns this week — a personal-best six entries — Roy Ashley, a Loser since 1995 who turned 81 last month, boings with a hop, skip and jump right into the Invitational Hall of Fame with his 500th inking entry, becoming its seventeenth member. Roy’s first ink was in a contest for Bad Analogies: “The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and ‘Jeopardy!’ comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.”

The world’s youngest-looking octogenarian: Roy Ashley, Loser since Week 120, at the Invitational’s 2019 Flushies awards.

Mirthdays:

Third runner-up:  Zinedine Zidane (born 6-23-1972): That headbutt! Clarence Thomas (6-23-1948): That butthead!  (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.) 

Second runner-up: Richard Roundtree (7-9-1942): Shaft. Courtney Love (7-9-1964): Hole. (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.) 

First runner-up: Albert Einstein (3-14-1879) and Simone Biles (3-14-1997): They’re both flippin’ geniuses! (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)  

And the winner of either a cake baked by the Empress or a pair of tiny biting-shark earrings:   Robert M. “Fighting Bob” Lafollette Sr. (6-14-1855) and Donald Trump (6-14-1946):  One was a champion of working stiffs, the other’s a champion of stiffing workers. (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.)  

Twinners & Losers: Honorable mentions

Joe Arpaio (6-14-1932) and Donald Trump (6-14-1946):
Higgledy piggledy,
Joseph Arpaio, the
Toughest American
Sheriff was he,
Famous for being a
Hyperfanatical  
Immigrant hunter and
Trump pardonee.
(Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Neither Al Gore (3-31-1948) nor Chlodwig, Prince of Hohenlohe-Schillingsfürst (3-31-1819), invented the internet. (Kevin Dopart)

Hugh Grant (9-9-1960) and Joe Theismann (9-9-1949): Break a leg!  (Roy Ashley)

Carlo Gambino (8-24-1902) and Cal Ripken Jr. (8-24-1960): Both reliably produced  hits. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Saint Nicholas (3-15-270) gave money to the needy.  Seventeen hundred years later, Jimmy Swaggart (3-15-1935) took it back. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.) 

Andrew Jackson (3-15-1767) and Jimmy Swaggart (3-15-1935) are both known for trails of tears. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Bob Fosse (6-23-1927):  “All That Jazz.”  Alfred Kinsey (6-23-1894): All that jizz. (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

Spanish soccer coach Luis Rubiales (8-23-1977) says he momentarily lost his head; Louis XVI (8-23-1754) could relate.  (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

Warren Beatty (3-30-1937) and Secretariat (3-30-1970): Two guys who scored with a lot of fillies. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

Richard Nixon (1-9-1913) and “Gilligan’s Island” actor Bob Denver (1-9-1935) were both at the center of terrible plots. (Jesse Frankovich)

Humphrey Bogart (12-25-1899) and Ghislaine Maxwell (12-25-1961): “Here’s looking at you, kid” had very different meanings for the two of them. (Michael Stein)

David Hasselhoff (7-17-1952) worked surrounded by big boobs. Camilla Parker Bowles (7-17-1947) works along just one big boob.  (Roy Ashley)

Sylvester Stallone (7-6-1946) was known for a “Rocky” portrayal. George W. Bush (also 7-6-1946) was known for Iraqi betrayal. (Neal Starkman, Seattle)

Charles Barkley (2-20-1963): “The Round Mound of Rebound.” Sen. Mitch McConnell (2-20-1942): The Lie Guy of KY. (Jesse Frankovich)

Michael Jordan (2-17-1963) and Trump toady Rep. Jim Jordan (2-17-1964):
Two Jordans born this day: one full of grace,
Who swooped around the court with skill that’s rare,
And one whose “Biden bribes, a slam-dunk case!”
Consists, it always seems, of only Air.
(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) 

Actor Verne Troyer (1-1-1969) and golfer Leonard Thompson (1-1-1969): Both had a good short game. (Leif Picoult)

Michelangelo (3-6-1475) and Shaquille O’Neal (3-6-1972): Only one of them needs a ladder to paint a ceiling. (Michael Stein)

Because of undying devotion, Gladys Knight (5-28-1944) rode the midnight train to Georgia; Rudy Giuliani (also 5-28-1944) took a plane. (Steve Smith; Leif Picoult)  

Boxers Rocky Marciano (9-1-1923) and James “Gentleman Jim” Corbett (9-1-1866):
Inside the ring, from bout to bout,
They met their foes and knocked ’em out!
So why’s 9/1 the date they share?
12/26 seems much more fair.
(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Philosopher Réne Descartes (3-31-1596) and poet Octavio Paz (3-31-1914): “I think, therefore iamb.” (Dan Sachs, Pineville, N.C.)

Georges Seurat (12-2-1859): A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of Grande Jatte. Aaron Rodgers (12-2-1983): A Sunday Afternoon on the Field of Green Jets. (Jesse Frankovich)

Christopher Columbus (10-31-1451): Made a daring trip and set foot in a new world; Apollo 11’s  Michael Collins (10-31-1930):  Made a daring trip and … well, close.  (Beverley Sharp)

Cleavon Little (6-1-1939) and Yevgeny Prigozhin (6-1-1951)
Cleavon Little gained fame as a sheriff named Bart
In a flick that promoted the campfire fart.
While avoiding all tea and tall buildings, Prigozhin
Overlooked a quite different kind of explosion.
(Chris Doyle) 

Thomas Edison (2-11-1847) and Alex Jones (2-11-1974): Known for illumination and the opposite. (Michael Stein)

Bruce Springsteen (9-23-1949) and Caesar Augustus (9-23-63 B.C.): Augustus was the Boss for only 42 years. (Kevin Dopart)

Jazzman Steve Lacy (7-23-1934) blew the sax really well. Monica Lewinsky (7-23-1973) knew a sax player really well. (Kevin Dopart)

Lou Gehrig (6-19-1903) and Moe Howard (6-19-1897) were among the 1930s’ top hitters. (Kevin Dopart)

Comedian Rowan Atkinson (1-6-1955): Mr. Bean. Comedian and Maxwell House shill  Danny Thomas (1-6-1912): Mr. Coffee Bean.  (Roy Ashley)

Bob Barker (12-12-1923) and Frank Sinatra (12-12-1915):
(To “New York, New York”)
Start comin’ on down! You’re playing today!
I am the handsome host of it— “The Price Is Right”!
These prizes astound — how much would you say?
Bid close but don’t go over it— The Price Is Right!

You want to be up on the stage with the big star,
And find you’re spinning the wheel! Winning a car!

A showcase profound we’re giving away
To you who gets most close to it— The Price Is Right!
Please help my pet crusade — make sure to get them spayed!
It’s up to you! The Price Is Right! (Jesse Frankovich)

Voldemort actor Ralph Fiennes (12-22-1962) played someone almost as evil and creepy as Ted Cruz (12-22-1970). (Jesse Frankovich)

John Locke (8-29-1632): Prominent Enlightenment figure.  Michael Jackson (8-29-1958): Prominent lightenment figure. (Jesse Frankovich)

Julia Child (8-15-1912) and Trump finance guy Allen Weisselberg (8-15-1947): One is a writer of cookbooks, the other a writer of cooked books. (Michael Stein)

Vladimir Putin (10-7-1952) and Penthouse Pet Bree Olson (10-7-1986) have appeared topless in major American magazines. (Kevin Dopart)

Golf legend Bobby Jones (3-17-1902) and Stormy Daniels (3-17-1979):
He strode the fairways and the greens,
While she appeared in bedroom scenes.
But each pursued a single goal:
To get it quickly in the hole.
(Mark Raffman)

George Soros (8-12-1930) and Willie Horton (8-12-1951) both helped Republican candidates raise millions.  (Steve Smith)

Muhammad Ali (1-17-1942) and Al Capone (1-17-1899):
With blazing fists and Tommy guns
These two men felled their foes.
Ali made boxers hit the mat,
While Al’s opponents just fell flat
And never more arose.
(Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

Hermann Göring (1-12-1893) and Rush Limbaugh (1-12-1951): Actually, I don’t see any similarities at all. (Roy Ashley)

Frank Gifford (8-16-1930) and Kathie Lee Gifford (8-16-1953): Gee, with a shared birthday and the same last name, you’d think that maybe these two should have hooked up! (Roy Ashley)

Cher (5-20-1946) and Israel Kamakawiwo‘ole (5-20-1959): If they’d sung a duet, they’d have looked like the number 10. (Jon Ketzner)

Ron DeSantis (9-14-1978) and Amy Winehouse (9-14-1983)
(To “Rehab”)
Yo, Ron, send your campaign to rehab,
Polls are low, low, low.
Suck up to Trump? You look like a chump,
And faux, faux, faux.
In a hole so deep, won’t even make the stakes of veep.
Yo, Ron, send your campaign to rehab,
You’re out of dough, dough, dough. (Duncan Stevens) 

Joanne Woodward (2-27-1930): Devotedly married to the same man for 50 years. Elizabeth Taylor (2-27-1932): Uh, wasn’t.  (Steve Smith)  

Mathematician Jacques Tits (8-12-1930): Famous for the Tits metric.” Country singer Porter Wagoner (8-12-1927): Famously boosted the career of Dolly Parton. (Steve Smith) 

And Last: Sting (10-2-1951): “Can’t Stand Losing You.”  Gene Weingarten (the very same date): “Can’t stand you, Loser.” (Jesse Frankovich)

And Even Laster: William Shakespeare (4-23-1564) and Judy Freed (4-23-1966):
He wrote with lofty eloquence.
She has a simpler mind.
His words are brilliant poetry.
She’s limerick-inclined.
In schools worldwide his works are read;
Their meanings one must teach.
No class is needed for the Loser-
Bard of Deerfield Beach.  (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

The headline “Same-Day Deliveries” was submitted by both Jesse Frankovich and Chris Doyle; Tom Witte wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running — deadline 4 p.m. ET Saturday, Sept. 9: Our Week 35 contest for Muldoons, four-line verses that mention two body parts and a geographical name, and have at least one rhyme. Click here or type in bit.ly/inv-week-35. 

Okay, so now we entreat you: The Gene Pool has many thousands of people around the country and globe who read us weekly for free, and many hundreds who pay us a little money ($4.15 a month). Will you take the graceful, gazelle-like leap from the first group to the second, upgrading from “free” to “paid”? If you scratch our backs, we’ll scratch yours. Literally. Gene will come over to your house and scratch your back. Here’s how to arrange it:

Here comes the renowned real-time questions / observations / answers part of the Gene Pool. If you are reading this in real time, you’ll want to keep refreshing the page for the next hour or so.

Most but not all of the questions today will involve sosumis and Nickelbacks, respectively, things you don’t like but most people do, and things you like but few others do. There are also a bunch of aptonyms, which we will get to right away.

Q: Aptonym? Tory MP found to have groped two men: Chris Pincher (from The Guardian)

A:  Need you ask?  Absolutely. 

Q: My friend is having knee replacement surgery. Her orthopedic surgeon is Dr. James Crutcher. Seattle, WA

A: Thank you.   Having had knee replacement, and suffered through rehab afterwards, I can attest that this is a good aptonym. 

Q: Two journalistic aptonyms. #1: “Sixty-one people have been indicted in Georgia on racketeering charges ... The Aug. 29 indictment is the latest application of the state’s anti-racketeering law, also known as a RICO law...”  Check out the byline.  

#2: This article on human reproduction (“Human ancestors may have survived a brush with extinction 900,000 years ago”), is by Elizabeth Pennisi  

A: Both good.  Ms. Pennisi should have collaborated on the story with Canadian editor Melissa Vagi. 

Q:  Olmsted County, Minnesota (home to Rochester and the Mayo Clinic), has a social worker who responds to drug overdoses...her name is Teri Dose.

And finally:

Mined from the Saturday comments: 

 My GP once recommended a specialist to me, one “Dr. Jew” (sic!). I laughed. The GP reacted with exactly the same disappointed frown with which my mother had tended to greet my wittier sallies, and said, “He’s Asian.” I said, “It’s still funny.” He frowned harder. – Hortense of Gotham City.

A: A fine selection of aptonyms, people. Thank you.

TIMELY TIP: If you’re reading this right now on an email:   Click here to get to my webpage, then click on the top headline (In this case, “The Invitational… “ ) for the full column, and comments, and real-time questions and answers. And you can refresh and see new questions and answers that appear as I regularly update the post from about noon to roughly 1 p.m. ET today.

Q: Just a gripe, not a sosumi or Nickelback:  Dear people who try to open up candy and other treats wrapped in cellophane or other noisy paper and do it very, very, very, very slowly so as to make as little noise as possible: It doesn’t work. It’s still noisy and maddening to those around you. Just rip it off and put it in the trash or your purse or the seat pocket in front of you. Please, I beg you, stop doing it slowly in an effort to be polite. I’m hanging by a thread here. I don’t want to reach around and grab it out of your hands, but I will. 

A: I am assuming you are mostly talking about performance venues, like theater?   I don’t like latecomers.   Or people who turn on a phone in a darkened theater.  And, at a concert, dancers in the audience.   There was a recent kerfuffle over that, at an Adele concert.  She, lamentably, took the side of the dancer, right from the stage. 

Q: I was traveling and couldn't respond to the request for sosumis but if you are still considering, may I present for your consideration the proliferation of using present tense to describe events that are over, often long since over? I am old enough to remember when sportscasters started doing that when describing highlights of THAT DAY'S EVENTS. I guess they felt it makes the description more exciting while they are narrating footage of a highlight -- "he intercepts the ball! then he runs it back for a touchdown!" and I can sort of see that, IF you are describing something that just happened or that you are watching while the commentator describes it. But some years ago, I started to notice news commentators doing the same thing when talking about all kinds of events, sometimes when talking about events in the far more distant past. Then HISTORIANS started doing it and I have been in despair ever since. Every time I am listening to a podcast or interview in which an author or historian talks about people who've been dead for centuries in the present tense it makes me want to cry. If I'm by myself I will shout corrections at the audio source. "DELIVERED. Lincoln DELIVERED the Gettysburg Address...." and so forth. I have no idea whether most people "like" this or not but it's become ubiquitous and every time I complain to someone in my presence when it happens they look at me kind of pityingly, like I'm soft in the head, so I guess it's just me? But I HATE HATE HATE this. 

A: This is the sad grandchild of a sportscasting phenomenon that I believe I once called the present conditional tense.   We all watch an outfielder, say, dive for a ball and miss.    Then the announcer says “If he catches the ball, he doubles up the baserunner.” 

Q:  My Nickelback: weeding the garden. Not entirely a Nickelback since I know that there are other gardeners who enjoy this “chore” too. It’s mindless and so satisfying to a brain with OCD tendencies: you spend an hour listening to birdsong and thinking random thoughts, and end up with a neat and tidy weed-free garden. There were days while I was still working when I’d come home after a brutally long day, spot some weeds as I was inserting my key in the front door, and “wake up” an hour later still weeding in my skirt, nylons and heels (yes, I wore those ‘way back when). 

A: Twenty years ago, David Von Drehle wrote this brilliant story for me about shoveling snow.  That was his Nickelback.

Q: To the adult milk drinker: take heart. I, too, am a lifelong milk drinker. My mother drank milk three times a day her whole life. She would get crabby if the aides in her long term care facility brought her coffee instead of milk. She passed away at age 101, mind intact and in amazingly good health until the end.

A: I contend it was the milk that killed her.  It just took its sweet time. 

Q: When I said that humans are just meat machines, so it didn’t bother me that AI, another machine, might be equally creative, you wrote: “But the real question is, wouldn’t you think / hope we’d forever be the best machines?” Hope? Certainly. Think?? Not for a moment. I've lived too long to believe people are fundamentally decent. Some people are. Maybe even more people than not. But I am afraid that given the slightest temptation, a lot of people go dark places far too readily. HOW many MAGAts are there? WHAT percentage of Germans joined the Nazi party in the 30s? It depresses me no end, but it is so.

A: I contend that AI will likely never develop a fear of death or a truly original sense of humor, or learn to love.   So we have a creative advantage.  Kafka: “The meaning of life is that it ends.”

Q: As a Yankees fan, what do you think of the Martian landing? 

A: This question relates to the very recent arrival of one Jasson Dominguez, 20, a highly touted, huge, switch-hitting outfielder from the Dominican Republic who hit three home runs in his first eight games and batted .400. Since roughly the time he arrived, the floundering Yankees have gone 8-2.  At that home run rate, he is better than Babe Ruth and, because of his youth, will wind up with roughly 900 in his career.   

OR he could become Shane Spencer, Kevin Maas or Gary Sanchez, equally highly touted Yankees prospects who came up, did spectacular things for a short while, and then slid into ignominy. 

Maas, also a big outfielder, had 10 home runs in his first 72 at bats, at a rate that would have resulted in a season total of roughly .… 85, and that was a speed-power record at the time.  He finished his negligible career five years later, with 65 home runs, total. 

Spencer broke his Maas’s record for speed to ten home runs, doing it in 67 days!  That September during a pennant drive, he hit ten home runs, including three grand slams.  His career was over five years later.   Lifetime home run total:  56.   His most in a season?  Twelve.  He is currently the batting coach for the Saugerties (NY) Stallions,  a summer collegiate baseball team.  When he was hired, the manager told him that he hoped he’d be able to teach the kids by explaining all the things he did wrong, so they learn not to do them.  

Garry Sanchez, a catcher, hit 23 home runs in his first 53 games.  He has since played for four teams, each trading him away for bupkis.   This year he was batting .167 until yesterday, when he was hit by a pitch that fractured his wrist, ending his season.  It was almost a mercy.  

What happens to these guys?  Most likely, pitchers quickly learn what they can’t hit.  

Will this fate befall Dominguez?  Stay tuned for more Martian Chronicles. 

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Q: I'm pleased to see that Jonathan Jensen wore black to perform the song.

A: No accident, I’m sure.

Q: Non-Jewish partner to a Jewish person here. I love matzoh brei, but I eat it with a mix of maple syrup and Frank's hot sauce. Partner will only eat it with salt and pepper. Which of us wins or at least doesn't lose as badly?

A: You both are waay offbase, but you are closer to The Truth because at least you recognize the need for some sweetness.  But you need cottage cheese – it is the key ingredient, to deliver moistness and taste contrasting to the umami.  

See next post.

This is Gene. In the last chat someone suggested soaking to get really soggy and mushy.   I said that was dead wrong, that the only way to do it is a momentary shower of boiling water.  Now we get this, the other extreme: 

Q: Why water for matzah brei? I've concluded that this started when immigrants (or even back in the old country) couldn't afford lots of eggs. By soaking the matzah in water, it absorbs less egg. Try making it with more egg and let it sit a bit to absorb all the egg. Then fry it. I predict you'll never go back to using water.

A: This seems to make sense, but I am told by experts that “too eggy” is a flaw.   I will try it though.  

Q: Comment, not question, but one I think may help. Someone whose name I'm ashamed to say I have forgotten, offered this simple advice to men who say they are confused and don't know what to say or do around women any more: "Pretend you're talking to The Rock." Aka, Dwayne Johnson. Would you kiss him on the lips? Would you grab his ass? Would you say his butt makes you hot? Would you ask him to do things to your naughty bits? Would you ignore him when he speaks and steamroll over his ideas? Would you ask him to go get you coffee? See what I mean? It's a flawless technique.

A: This is a mental exercise that should not be necessary. 

Q: Would you care to share your thoughts on the article The New York Times published by Kevin Draper essentially: "We're not saying the Marion Kansas paper deserved to be raided, but maybe they deserved to be raided. Because locals thought the paper was unduly negative."

A: I think it was okay.  And I think your summary is unfair to Draper.  He was reporting on a real issue in town, as stupid as that issue is. 

I wasn’t crazy about this line by Draper:  “What is the appropriate relationship between a community and a local news organization, and what duty, if any, does it have to be a booster for the places it covers?”

It suggests this is a legit question.  It isn’t.  A newspaper has no duty to be a booster. 

But Draper put this dumb quote in not because he was advocating it, but because some dope actually said it, and it summed up the silliness:  ​​“The role [of the paper] should of course be positive about everything that is going on in Marion, and not stir things up and look at the negative side of things,” said Mitch Carlson, who co-owns the local grocery store. 

Q: It's still early yet, but what do you think the AL and NL playoff fields will look like? Please don't say green and grassy.

A: Atlanta plays … theOrioles? Can it be? Would be among the greatest one-year turnarounds ever.

Q: My sosumi is the song “Mack the Knife.” I detest the lyrics and the story that the lyrics tell, and the melody has the same effect on me as That Disney Ride Song That Is The Worst Earworm Of All Time Oh God Make It Stop.

A:  Well, the song is by Kurt Weill and Berthold Brecht, from Threepenny Opera.   Frank Sinatra, who recorded it, said Bobby Darin’s version – which you hate – was the “definitive version,” adding, admiringly, “Bobby Darin took the song by the scruff of the neck …”   In short, your sosumi might be a leetle offbase. Though that is the nature of sosumis, so good on you. 

Q: Jeff from Bowie My sosumis is the Super Bowl halftime show, I just think it is stupid in the most important game players will ever play that after getting used to a 12 minute half, for all their career and having a routine that they do to get ready for the second half, they are faced with a 45 to an hour break. 

A:  Agreed.  I never watch it.  It tarts up the game, too. I did happen to be passing a TV (literally) when the wardrobe malfunction occurred. What a big ado over nothing.

Q: My sosumi:  Hello Fresh and other meal kits. If I'm  gonna pay $10 or more for a meal, I'm damn sure not cooking it myself.  

A: Hello Fresh is great, and how old are you, 14?  You think paying $10 for a meal is exorbitant?  

A: Come to think of it, what food can you cook yourself that costs less than $10?

Q: Noted, on your failure to have a one night stand.  But that’s not so impressive if you;ve only had sex with perhaps two women.  How many?  

A:  That’s none of your business.  Six.  I’m only writing it here because I wrote it once before.  Yes, it is a low number, especially for an old coot who grew up in the 1960s.  

 

Mined from the Saturday comments:

Q: My mother liked to tell of a surgeon whose name she saw on the roster at her physician's practice, a Dr. Cuteroff (in 3 syllables, not as in "cute")

A: I have checked.  This is indeed a surname.  I believe you and your ma.  

Q: Belatedly I realize this is a sosumi rather than a requested Nickleback. Sosumi! It is pretty self-explanatory already, and of course should be sung. -- Nancy

 Take me out of this sports park; Get me far from the crowd! First buy me hot dogs and Cracker Jacks -- I'm bored by sports but I sure love their snacks! So which color shirt is our home team? Whoever wins, it's the same: If they pitch, punt, dribble or pass, 'Still a dumb ball game!

A: Thank you.

Reminder: This handsome button takes your questions, ruminations, observations, in real time.

Q: My son is the manager of his Fantasy Football League. The participants voted to name the league “Remember the Titan Submersible” (which I believe should be spelled “Remember the TitanSubmersible.”)

A: Well, that’s fairly macabre.   It also presages poor management, eventual implosion; It would be like naming a team The Losers.    I do like your edit of the name.  Turns it into a submarine.

Q: Sosumi:  FWIW, it gr8s on my nerves when ppl rite like this 4 line after line speshly when they don’t need 2  2 save space. I know its popular b/c I c it everywhere. UCWIDT? 

A:  If it’s clear I don’t have any problem with it.  I don’t like it when you have to go look up an acronym, such as UCWIDT, which I have discovered means “You see what I did there?” .  Also ICYM looks nothing like what it is supposed to mean  Icy milk?   I do approve some other language anomalies.    . 

 I often write catsup just to be contrarian.   I also write “pyjamas” and other contrarian things.   Read that column.  It ends with a killer fact.  

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Q: Possibly the greatest thing ever. Did you know that you can ask ChatGPT to explain something in particular person’s voice? Example: Shakespeare explains the infield fly rule: Hark, noble denizens of the diamond, attend to yon rule known as the "infield fly," a decree most wise in the realm of baseball's strategy. When, perchance, the heavens see fit to loft a fair orb skyward within the precincts of the diamond, and it becometh apparent that no devilish trickery nor guile doth enshroud this sphere, and any infielder with ordinary prowess couldst catch it, then, by the umpire's voice, is the batter declared out, with celerity akin to a lightning strike. This rule, like a guardian of fairness, hath its purpose, to thwart the schemes of the defense who might else conspire to purposefully drop such a lofty orb to their advantage, ensnaring basemen in their nefarious designs. Thus, the infield fly rule ensures equity upon the field of play, where sport and honor intertwine in the dance of baseball's noble tradition. 

Trump explains nuclear fission: Nuclear fission, folks, it's a tremendous thing, really tremendous. So, you take these tiny particles, we call them atoms, very, very small, and you split them apart. Boom! It's like a big explosion, but controlled, you know? It releases an incredible amount of energy, folks, very powerful, like nothing you've ever seen before. It's what they use in those nuclear power plants to generate electricity, and believe me, it's a lot of electricity, the best electricity. Now, here's the deal, when you split these atoms, they release more particles, and those particles hit other atoms, and it just keeps going, like a chain reaction, tremendous chain reaction. And in some cases, like in nuclear bombs, they do this on a massive scale, and that's where you get a really, really big explosion, folks. But, we've got to be careful with this stuff, very, very careful. We need smart people, the best people, to handle it because it can be dangerous if not done right. So, that's nuclear fission, a lot of energy, a lot of potential, but we've got to use it wisely, okay?

A: Neither of those is the greatest thing ever.  This is the greatest thing ever.  By a human, Jeff Brechlin, in winning the Style Invitational.  Shakespeare writes the Hokey Pokey, performed beautifully by someone online.  It’s very short. 

This is Gene. We’re done for the day. I have a new refrigerator. The water spigot is not in the outside of the door. It is inside. Is this a new thing, or an atavism?

Please keep sending in questions / observations. I’ll answer them, at length, on Tuesday.

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Also, don’t you want a piece o’ me? To me my boss? I am an excellent employee, except for the insubordination. Do it here for a mere $4.15 a month: