The Invitational Week 26: Same Difference

Our famous compare/contrast contest. Plus 'Finger Lickin' Goo' and other altered slogans.

“The front bumper of a 1955 Cadillac,” one item on our random list for the Week 26 contest. (Poster listed on Etsy)

Hello. Today we deliver the truly spectacular results from Week 24, the ones you are waiting for, champing at the bit for, but first a Gene Pool Gene Poll on a matter of grave concern to the nation, and to Gene.

The Invitational Week 26: Same Difference, or Crack a Simile

A visit to Antarctica vs. Mike Pence’s presidential campaign: They’re both white wastelands, but only the first is likely to yield evidence of heating up.

A bathroom chandelier
A box of chocolates  
A tiny Shriner motorcycle
A visit to Antarctica
Chat GPT 23
Handel’s Messiah
Love handles
Mike Pence’s presidential campaign
A palindrome
The space between your eyebrows
Dryer lint
The front bumper of a ’55 Cadillac
A silent fart 
An AI love letter

It would help to be a skilled conspiracy theorist, but even if your tinfoil beret is at the cleaners, you still ought to give a try this week to discover some hidden links in our annual-ish random list of noun phrases.

For Week 26, tell us humorously how any two (or more) items on the list above are alike, different, or otherwise linked, as in the example above; the items were chosen by the Czar from among hundreds of random noun phrases offered up by the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook. If you’re not familiar with our Same Difference contest (or just want some more laffs), see last year’s results here.

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to bit.ly/inv-form-26. As usual, you can submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same entry form. There’s no special formatting this week except the usual request not to break up any individual entry with a line break (i.e., don’t push Enter within a single entry). This way the Empress can shuffle all the entries and not know how many she’s choosing from any one person.

Deadline is Saturday, July 8, at 4 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, July 13.

This week’s winner receives a four-pack of “Gross Sandwich Bags”  that are supposed to scare off office-refrigerator thieves with pictures of moldy slices of bread with roaches crawling on them.  The package helpfully translates it into French: “Sacs à sandwich dégoûtantes.” Donated by Dave Prevar.

How to sneak your caviar snack into the office without having to share.

Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in a variety of designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a sweet email from the Empress, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for those who’ve just lost their Invite virginity.

After the intro (which you are reading now), there will be some early questions and answers added on — and then Gene will keep adding them as the hour progresses and your fever for his opinions grows and multiplies and metastasizes.  To see those later Q&As, refresh your screen occasionally. 

As always, you can also leave comments. They’ll congregate at the bottom of the post, and allow you to annoy and hector each other and talk mostly amongst yourselves. Though we will stop in from time to time.

Ad-jestments: Altered product slogans from Week 24

In Week 24 we asked you to slightly change a slogan or tagline of a product or organization and use the result for a different one. Among the 750 entries, too many people to credit individually offered Cialis: The Quicker Pecker-Upper; transformed Subway’s “Eat Fresh” to Arby’s: Eat Flesh; suggested the Pornhub slogan Got MILF?; or repurposed the Army exhortation to Pee All That You Can Pee: Flomax.

Yup, this is another set of entries that would have been pulverized by The Post’s taste police.

Third runner-up:
Calvin Klein:  Between Love and Madness Lies Obsession
American Psychiatric Association: Between Love and Madness Lies a Session (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Second runner-up:
 Look, Ma, No Cavities! Crest.
Look, Pa, Three Cavities! Pornhub. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

First runner-up:
Subaru: Confidence in Motion
ExxonMobil: Confidence in Manchin (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

And the winner of the crab hat with claws and googly eyes:
Miller High Life: The Champagne of Beers
André: The Beer of Champagnes (Gregory Dunn, Alexandria, Va., in his first blot of Invite ink since 2016)

Plops and Fizzes: Honorable mentions

Built to Last: Ford
Guilt to Last: The Catholic Church (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.; Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

Mountain Dew: Do the Dew
Grindr: Do the Dude (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) 

Proud as a Peacock: NBC
Loud as a Peacock: MSNBC (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) 

Pam cooking spray: Pam Helps You Pull It Off
Chaturbate.com: ‘Pam, Help Me Pull It Off!’ (Jon Carter, Fredericksburg, Va.) 

Reach Out and Touch Someone: AT&T
Reach Out and Touché Someone: U.S. Fencing Association (Jesse Frankovich) 

U.S. Coast Guard:  Semper Paratus
Adam & Eve Adult Toys: Some Apparatus! (Tom Witte) 

De Beers: A Diamond Is Forever
Convent of the Sacred Heart: A Hymen Is Forever (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) 

Adidas: The Brand with the Three Stripes
Saucony: The Brand with the .. hmm… Three Circles Inside a Thingamajig  (Jon Carter) 

Lucky Charms: They’re magically delicious!
Trump 2024: We’re MAGAly seditious!  (Kevin Dopart) 

ADT security: Always There
Grammarly: Sometimes ‘There,’ Sometimes ‘Their,’ Sometimes ‘They’re’ (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) 

America Runs on Dunkin: Dunkin
America Runs on Bumpkin: CPAC (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.) 

Arby’s: We Have the Meats!
Credit Suisse Private Banking: We Meet the Haves!  (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) 

Dairy Management trade group:  Behold the Power of Cheese
Kraft boxed dinners:  Behold the Powder of Cheese (Chris Doyle)   

Belong Anywhere: Airbnb
Be Long Anywhere:  Viagra (Dan Steinbrocker, Los Angeles; Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.; Jeff Contompasis) 

You’re in Good Hands: Allstate
Hand In Your Goods: The IRS  (Tom Witte) 

American Express: Don’t Leave Home Without It
Zoom: Don’t Leave Home (Steve Geist, Mechanicsville, Va.; Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.)

Every Kiss Begins with Kay: Kay Jewelers
Every Kiss Begins with ‘ ’Kay?’  National Sexual Violence Resource Center  (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.; Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.; Karen Lambert)
Every Kid Begins with K: “Keeping Up with the Kardashians” (Jeff Rackow, Bethesda, Md.) 

KFC: Finger Lickin’ Good
Cinnabon:  Finger Lickin’ Goo  (Dave Airozo, Silver Spring, Md.; Jeff Contompasis)

Nike: Just Do It
Ex-Lax: Just Do-do It (Frank Mann, Washington, D.C.)
Trojan: Just Do ‘It’ (Tom Witte)
American Judges Association: Just? Do It. (Duncan Stevens)
Microsoft Training: Just Do IT (Jeff Contompasis) 

Frosted Flakes: They’re grrrrrreat!
Southern Baptist Convention: They’re strrrrrraight! (April Musser, Georgia) 

Lay’s: Betcha Can’t Eat Just One
Mustang Ranch: Betcha Can’t Lay Just One (Jon Ketzner) 

California Milk Processor Board: Got Milk?
Consumer Financial Protection Bureau: Got Milked? (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.) Ancestry.com: Got Ilk? (Tom Witte)

Liberty, Liberty, Liberty, Liberty!: Liberty Mutual
Puberty, Puberty, Puberty, Puberty! : Clearasil (Jeff Contompasis) 

Burger King: Home of the Whopper
Mar-a-Lago: Home of the Whoppers  (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio)
FIFA World Cup: Home of the Floppers (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)  

Outback Steakhouse:  No Rules, Just Right
The State of Texas:  No Rights, Just Rules (Mark Raffman) 

St. Pauli Girl Beer: You Never Forget Your First Girl
Boone’s Farm Wine: You Never Forget Your First Hurl (Jon Carter)

Stronger Than Dirt: Ajax
Older Than Dirt: The Rolling Stones (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

Levi’s: Quality Never Goes Out of Style
National Organization for Women: Equality Never Goes Out of Style (Jeff Contompasis)
Costco: Quantity Never Goes Out of Style (Jesse Frankovich)  

Apple: Think Different
The GOP: Think Deferent (Karen Lambert) 
National Council of Teachers of English: Think Differently (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.; Dave Airozo) 

You Deserve a Break Today: McDonald’s
You deserve a Beak Today: KFC (Neil Kurland) 

And Last: Leave the Driving to Us: Greyhound
               Leave the Drivel to Us: The Invitational  (Tom Witte)

The headline “Ad-jest-ments” is by Jesse Frankovich; “Crack a Simile” is by Bill Dorner from an earlier Same Difference contest; Jon Carter wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running — deadline 4 p.m. ET Saturday, July 1: Our Week 25 neologism contest. Click here or type in bit.ly/inv-week-25. 

See more about The Invitational, including our 2,600-member Facebook group, the Losers’ website, and our podcast.

Okay, here come your questions and Gene’s answers.

Q: What do you think of this story?

A: Hooboy. I was going to do a whole section on this, with a poll. Then decided against it, for a complicated reason. If we we poll something, it presumes there is a discussable issue, and I decided that in this case, there is none, and implying there is would be a mistake.

Summary: The top assistant to D.C. Mayor Muriel Bowser sexually harassed a young employee of his, a talented, ambitious woman. The harassment was blatant and disgusting. He pressured her for sex. He told her — in the most vulgar, explicit fashion — of his fantasies of sexually dominating her. There was not even a phony pretext of “mentoring.” It was revolting.

There is an ongoing investigation, but at least at this point, the evidence seems irrefutable. He must lose his job, perhaps even be prosecuted. He has been silent so far — even through his lawyer — but it is hard to imagine a credible defense, given just the documentary evidence against him.

But there is a secondary matter. It’s interesting, but is it pertinent.

After the harassment started, the young woman led him on. She says she clearly and continually said “no” to intercourse, but admits she flirted with him unambiguously. She got naked with him. She claims she did these things to help build a case against him — he is powerful and she is powerless — but it can be reasonably argued that she went way further than she needed to, for that. She may well have used questionable judgment. But in my mind, that second “issue” is irrelevant to the overall case, so polling on it would amount to further harassing the harassed, further victimizing the victim. It is pretty clear he would have done what he did without encouragement. Read the story.

I would love to hear readers’ thoughts on this, particularly the thoughts of women. If they are compelling, I’ll devote more space to this later. Please send your thoughts NOT to the “comments” section, but to here, or, alternatively to this handsome orange button, which goes to the same place:

TIMELY TIP: If you're reading this right now on an email:   Click here to get to the Gene Pool webpage, then click on the top headline (In this case, “The Invitational … “) for the full column, and comments, and Gene’s real-time questions and answers. And you can refresh and see new questions and answers that appear as he regularly updates the post from about noon to 1 ET.

Q: Regarding your assertion that your weeping out of your left eye indicated despair for the left-brain functions of politics, government, etc: The sides of our bodies are connected to the opposite side of the brain. – Jackie Chatias 

A: I am well aware of this, but this is important:  When the brain is operating metaphorically in the service of humor, it quite deliberately and appropriately assumes traditional, stereotypical assignments of responsibility, even if technically challengeable.  In short, I was correct.  

Q: My penis hurts. What do I do? . 

A: Medical diagnosis requires more elaborate information.  Does your penis hurt yourself, or others? 

Q: Do you dismiss, or mostly dismiss, arguments that America’s gun violence problems are less about guns than about mental health, online nihilism, etc.  

A: Surprise, surprise: I utterly reject it.  This is low-hanging fruit, but obviously: Other countries – dozens of other countries – have access to the same internet nihilism and are subject to the same mental health problems and their citizens do not routinely massacre each other. The difference is that Americans have an idiot second amendment, and a large minority LIKE to have guns, period. They just like it, goddamn it, and who cares about the occasional dead kid because guns are fun.  I believe I have linked to him before, possibly recently, but the Aussie comic Jim Jeffries delivers this message better than I can right here.  This is part one.  Part 2 is easily findable on the Web.

Q: A new insider book says that Trump talked openly about liking Ivanka’s breast, butt, and such, and wanting to have sex with her.   Thoughts?

A: I was going to snark this up and say there is nothing wrong with it because, hey, I like Ivanka’s breasts and butt and have such-which desires, so it can’t be such a bad thing, but then I got to thinking about Ms. Trump and decided none of that is actually true; I like women who seem human. So let’s just leave it here: Donald Trump is a revolting piece of useless, rotting blobby flesh and the fact that after all his depravities and depradations, he seems to retain the loyalty of millions of Americans speaks volumes about what a shithole country we have become.  In 2020 Rachel and I decided, seriously, that we would flee the country if he won and we have renewed our vows for 2024. It may be the closest we will come to marriage but I consider it solemn and sacrosanct. 

This is Gene: The Oppenheimer movie and the Barbie movie are opening on the same day and that confluence is drawing Twitter snark.  My favorite is by someone named @BootcutGenes who notes that the film is going to put up a full-sized Barbie Dream House in Malibu as a marketing stunt.  He suggests that the Oppenheimer marketing team, if they had the cojones, could gin up a FABULOUS stunt in response…. 

Q: I have had a few colonoscopies. After the most recent the doc said: "I'll watch one specific area where I removed a small polyp. So I can find it next time I marked it." I looked puzzled & he said "The colonoscope has a tattoo function." Sooo... if I'm arrested and they ask if I have any tattoos or identfying marks I can say. "Yes.... but you'll have to look UP MY ASS!"

A: Thank you.

Q: Early teenage dirty jokes (these are still eligible, right?)   Two men are walking on a country road, looking for an establishment called The Log Inn. They come to a bifurcation (notice the ease with which I avoid being derailed by the Casey Stengel story) and they split up. Gene walks for an hour but finds nothing, so he concludes that Dave must have found it on HIS road and he returns to the spot at which they parted to wait patiently. After another hour, Dave finally shows up and has obviously been beaten up - clothes torn, face bloodied, etc. "What happened?", exclaims Gene. "Well", Dave replies, "I was walking along the road and I heard voices nearby so I went to see if they could help me. I found a man and woman, naked, with the man lying on top of the woman. I went up to them and asked the man 'How far is the Log Inn?' and he beat me up". 

A: Thank you.  That’s delightfully stupid and immature.  And yes, all prior questions are answerable at any time if they are good enough; there is no statute of limitations on humor. 

Q: Who are you and what have you done with Gene? Gene would NEVER have put quotes around ‘bear’ in his response to the bear/rabbit joke. He would have just written ‘it bears repeating.’ Bob? Bob Levey? Is that you?

A: You never heard of ironic quotation marks? 

Q: My last two Gene Pool questions were edited. The price of a subscription seems too small to include free copy editing by an author who's won two Pulitzers.

:A: I do often edit them, mostly to eliminate extraneous bloviations, or for clarity, or to insert characteristic, Pulitzer worthy ingeniousness.   You’re right!  I should charge!  In fact, I do, for those who wish to take advantage of this $4.15 per month opportunity! (And no I did not edit your question.)

Q: About your phrase "an unappetizing exudate of blood, plasma and other goo": Is "unappetizing" redundant here? If not, please describe how an exudate of blood, plasma and other goo" might be appetizing.

A: I direct your attention to the appearance and consistency of uni sushi, which is delicious, and consists of  sea urchin testicles and looks like what it consists of.

Q: Answered yes to bidet question because you didn’t specify. Used one in Paris to wash socks!

A: I have deducted your point.  Um, you cleansed your socks in an appliance whose sole purpose is to wash poo off behinds?  In the future, for future questions, please identify yourself as Poopysox.

Q: I had to have a minor surgery that only required “twilight” anesthesia where one usually doesn’t recall anything that happened. Now my spouse and I warned the anesthesiologist that I tend to metabolize anesthesia weird and it often takes a lot to put me into “delightfully not aware”. However, when I’m given the meds, if they don’t knock me completely stupid, they only really knock out the filter between my brain and my mouth. The doc went to tell my husband that the surgery went fine and he was laughing. He told my husband that mid surgery I looked up at the anesthesiologist and said “look cupcake, I’m wide awake, stop being so stingy with the juice.” I also once told a gastroenterologist mid colonoscopy that his toupee wasn’t fooling anyone. The nurse later assured me that I wasn’t the first person to point that out while half doped up.

A: Thank you. Once after minor surgery I asked the doc if I had said something untoward, and he said yes.  He would not tell me what!  I resolved to eventually weasel it out of him, but he did something incredibly rude before I could.  He died.

Q: My dad went to a GP who was a total quack, but when I needed a TB test for college admission, he was able to get me in that day. My "TB test" consisted of him asking, "Do you feel like you have TB?" When I said no, he signed off that I passed the test. I am too much of a rule follower, and my conscience wouldn't let me submit those "test results," so the next day I went to the health department for a real TB test. Unsurprisingly, that doctor later went on to lose his medical license for overprescribing opiates.

A: When I was a kid my family doctor was a guy named Herbert Katzev.  I loved him.  He was a great doctor, but he was a VERY seat-of-the-pants doctor.  Didn’t believe in fancy medicine.  When my brother got sick, his differential diagnosis was “if spots develop, it’s measles.”  He would make house calls, and the first thing he’d do when he got in my room was fling open the window, even in winter. “Gotta let the kid breathe,” he’d say, as my teeth chattered.  Dr. Katzev loved his patients.  He died of a cold.  He just didn’t treat it, until it became congestive heart failure.

Q: The question that I’ve got for you today  / may startle, though I’m not sure it amazes:/ Did he who thought up “One-hit wonder’ say / Any other memorable phrases?

A:  Excellent!  I hope it’s original. 

Q: In your litany of personal vices, you included “vomit exchange” and “hammer discipline.”  These are things?

A: I made them up.   But I would not be surprised if they are out there, though. 

Many, many years ago, during a rare down time, the Style Copy Desk at the Wapo (under the direction of Pat Myers – she was a great boss)  took time out for a one-minute contest to find the most disgusting website out there.  (This was a long time ago; search engines were more primitive, you couldn’t just look for, say, “most disgusting website.”)   Within a minute, one copyeditor had clearly won.  Revolting beyond belief.  Even though this is the Gene Pool, unaffiliated with any respectable journalistic entity, I am not going to tell you the contents of it.

Well, okay, it was about eating poop, but THAT IS AS FAR AS I AM GOING TO GO.

Q: Sometimes you're simply reduced to nodding in stunned concurrence -- this business of felicitous portmanteaux. What could be more appropriate here than "clinchpoop." Despite the anticipated definition, it has nothing to do with a favorite topic but rather, is a 16th century word for a vulgar, uncouth man.

A: Thank you. 

Q: Funniest thing that ever happened with a car. My car was towed out of the mud by an elephant.

A: Thank you.  Do you have more details you’d care to share?

Q: I was in the fifth grade and my best friend’s older sister told her this joke and she then told it to me. “Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? Because his wife died.” Even after it was explained to us, we didn’t get it. A few years later I learned the second meaning of the key verb. That’s when I got the joke.

A: Really stupid and naive.  Nice. 

Q: First dirty joke? Probably around 8 yrs old, told by a classmate and I didn't get it. What's grey and comes in quarts? An elephant.ual

This is Gene. I am calling this one down. Getting some interesting responses to the question on the Bowser sexual harassment issue, and will be dealing with them on Tuesday. Please keep sending questions and comments in. Again, Bowser only as questions here.

Or, via orange button, here:

See you on Sunday, when I will be asking you a question about teachers who kind of screwed up.