The Invitational Week 183: Same Difference

How is the Trump Arch like a head of kale? You tell us. Plus winning new wording for ‘Speed Bump’ cartoons.

Jesse Frankovich’s total rewrite of a vintage “Speed Bump” panel — he hadn’t seen the original words — topped this week’s Invitational results. See our picks below for seven more Re-Bumps, plus Dave Coverly’s original wordings.

Hello. Do you ever write a grocery-store list? Do you ever look at it carefully, and think, “I wonder what links two of these items to each other?” No, neither do we. But if we did, we might just decide that “eggs” and “crackers” are alike because, in a way, eggs are crackers. Har har. You’ll do better than that in today’s new contest. But first, this:

It Wouldn’t Be Coverly: Reworded ‘Speed Bump’ panels from Week 181

In Invitational Week 181 we once again prevailed upon the cartoonist Dave Coverly to send us eight of his old “Speed Bump” cartoons but take the words out of the word balloons. You get to fill them up. Dave also agreed to pick the winners. We gave him 20 finalists, and he took it from there. He picked eight — one for each cartoon. We winnowed it down to a winning four, but Dave re-lettered all eight of them.

After the inking entries under each cartoon, there’s Dave’s original text.

Third runner-up:

(Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

Honorable mentions:
“Can you come look at this and tell me how many squares with traffic lights you see?” (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.)

“I see you posted another video on OnlyFan.” (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

“What are you doing? We’re only allowed to use Androids.” (Noah Leibert, Ramstein AFB, Germany, a First Offender; Kevin Dopart, Naxos, Greece; Jeff Hazle, San Antonio, Tex.)

DAVE COVERLY’S ORIGINAL: “I just think it’s weird you’re not following me back.”

Second runner-up:

(Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

“Ugh, they let ANYBODY into this bar.” (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

“Yes, I know, two’s company and three’s a chord.” (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

“Well, lah-dee-dah! I’m so tired of you and your upscale condescension.” (Judy Freed, Philadelphia; Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

DAVE’S ORIGINAL: “For the last time, yes, he’s still following you.”

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First runner-up:

(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.; Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

“At some point I really should shoot the evil alien clone, but it’s been so nice to have the extra help around the house.” (Daniel Galef, Cincinnati)

“I just cannot resist a BOGO sale!” (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio)

DAVE’S ORIGINAL: “Bob retired from the cloning lab, and now he doesn’t know what to do with himself.”

And the winner of Dave Coverly’s 2027 Dog Days daily calendar, signed by Dave:

(Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

“Actually, he identifies as Gummo, but nobody makes Gummo masks.” (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

“He ratted out the wrong rat and now he’s in Witness Protection.” (Gary Crockett)

And Last: “Well, we named her Grandpa just as a joke, but then …” (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

DAVE’S ORIGINAL: “He always hides when company comes over.”

Today’s Invitational Gene Pool Gene Poll is a two-parter! Here we’ll ask you about the top four cartoons; below, the other four.

More honorable mentions:

(Jesse Frankovich)

“Quick — somebody invent sliced bread!” (Tom Witte)

“Tell them, ‘No thanks, the kitchen is avocado.’ ” (Jon Ketzner)

“Prepare to pour the boiling butter!” (Gary Crockett)

“Since no one’s discovered electricity yet, we’ll probably be okay...” (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.; Beverley Sharp)

“Those tacky Trojans — one never gives appliances as gifts.” (Dan Helming, Conshohocken, Pa.)

DAVE’S ORIGINAL: “It’s obviously a regift.”

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(Jeff Hazle, San Antonio)

“Judging from our second-quarter results, I can confirm you have been a very good boy.” (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

“President Fido, this is the aide who will carry the nuclear tennis ball when you’re traveling.” (Jeff Hazle)

“Sir, the union is demanding higher wags.” (Karen Lambert)

“Ahem, sir, Mr. Johnson from HR is here to discuss how you greet new employees.” (Steve Smith, Beverly, Mass.)

DAVE’S ORIGINAL: “He can shake, he can speak, and he can bill.”

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(Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

“It’s been like this ever since my kid stepped on a line.” (Art Grinath)

“I would say no, the standup colonoscopy is not more ‘fun.’ ” (Leif Picoult)

“My height? Nobody knows.” (Gary Crockett)

DAVE’S ORIGINAL: “It hurts when I do this, but it hurts more that you laugh when I do this.”

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(Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.)

“Sorry, when we placed our polyamory ad, we specified ‘nothing permanent.’ ” (Karen Lambert)

“We met in a coffee mug.” (Jon Ketzner)

“Don’t mind Lydia, she’s got a touch of pens envy.” (Jesse Frankovich)

“We’ve been together so long she erases my sentences before I can finish them.” (Art Grinath)

“Don’t worry, Dad, we’re using pocket protection.” (Gary Crockett)

And Last: “Hi, Mr. Pen! We were wondering if you could help us get ink in The Invitational.” (Beverley Sharp; Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.)

DAVE’S ORIGINAL: “She’s great at keeping my $%^& [partially erased] potty mouth from getting me in trouble.”

And it’s Part 2 of our Invitational Gene Pool Gene Poll!

As always, if you prefer one or more of the honorables to Dave’s / our picks, sound off in the Comments.

The headline “It Wouldn’t Be Coverly” is by William Kennard. See Invitational stats, events, and other info at its new address, NRARS.net; join the Invitational Devotees group here.

Still running — deadline Saturday, July 4, at 10 p.m. ET: It’s our contest to give bad advice to people in certain situations, like someone visiting New York for the first time. Click on “read full story” below for details.

The Invitational Week 182: Badvice

New contest for Week 183: Compare two items on our list

It’s time for our senescent venerable Same Difference contest, in which we offer up a passel of random items and y’all compare or contrast any two (or more) in some funny way. Here’s this year’s list; a number of them were contributed by The Invitational’s lively Facebook group.

Algae

Hieronymus Bosch

A mushroom penis

A singing gondolier on the Styx

A blues riff

Edibles

A traveling ska band

An enraged rabbit

An enraged rabbi

Frank Drebin

The Trump Arch

A head of kale

Butt-augmentation surgery

A love limerick written by AI

A 2001 Honda Accord

A broken zipper

The Michelin Man

A Madison Square Garden wedding

A pair of Birkenstocks

A propeller hat

The difference between a propeller hat and a mushroom penis: The hat-owner could stay up longer.

A pair of Birkenstocks is like a head of kale: You can stomp around on either and they’ll still be tough as ever.

For Invitational Week 183: Tell us humorously how any two (or more) items on the list above are alike, different, or otherwise linked, as in the examples above. See last year’s results here.

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-183. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form.

Formatting: It’s just our standard request to write each of your entries as a single line; i.e., don’t push Enter until the end of each entry.

Deadline is Saturday, July 11, 2026, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, July 15.

The winner receives the Official Headwear of The Invitational Starting Right Now: This classic dweeb-topper comes complete with propeller — and even includes an elastic chin strap lest the hat rotor itself right off the top of the dweeb-head. This fine piece of haberdashery fits a full-grown man, as evidenced by the Empress’s astonishingly obliging Royal Consort.

And last, if you have not already done so, please consider becoming a paying subscriber to The Gene Pool. It lets you enter the Invitational, rather than just reading the results every week and sourly deciding you would have done better and then yelling %*&#!

Now, we segue seamlessly into today’s Q&A section, where Gene answers your questions and responds to your anecdotes and observations, as submitted to the Mailbag. Please send your new Q’s and O’s to the selfsame Mailbag.

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Ooh. first, some breaking news! Inside Trump’s new Air Force One — the glitzy half-billion dollar star-studded gift from Qatar — is a bookshelf of phony leatherbound books, the spines of which all say “Library.” Leavitt inadvertently tweeted it, in a picture of her enjoying the snazzy luxuries of the new plane. When you zoom in on the background:

It’s like a picture of a bookshelf made by AI. I bet Trump feels this shows class. Although, to be fair, he may not have noticed it. He may never have stopped to inspect a bookshelf in his life.

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Q: This may be the greatest accomplishment in human history. This woman is my new hero. — Sean Clinchy

A: It is indeed spectacular. What I love is that it is probably selling to two entirely different groups of people.

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Q: Twenty years ago or so, I wrote into your WaPo chat about my then two-year-old’s attachment to a tank top, received as a gift, that had a picture of a monkey swinging from a tree eating a banana and the caption “I’m Going Banana’s!” My kiddo LOVED this shirt and wore it whenever it was clean, while the sight of that misplaced apostrophe was like fingernails on a chalkboard to me. I hated that shirt. Worse, I worried that this usage would somehow imprint on the childish brain and he’d grow up to be one of those people who put signs outside their houses reading “The Smith’s.” I wanted to “lose” the shirt in the laundry. But he loved the shirt... you advised me to suck it up until he outgrew it.

Today, same kiddo, now 22, spontaneously volunteered in conversation that the Mamas and the Papas’ first album is great, except for the obscenity of the fact that it’s titled “The Mama’s and the Papa’s”. The evil shirt failed! I was very relieved. Thought you’d want to know.

A: I did. Thank you.

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Q: My most enjoyable guilty moment of schadenfreude came in the late ’90s during a Friday afternoon drive on the I-87 turnpike between NYC and Albany.

I was driving in my Toyota pickup back to my home in the Adirondacks from a week long summer teacher training program down in the city. The turnpike that day was the typical mix of long-range commuters, big rigs and weekend escapists all trying to drive as fast as possible while sharing two lanes of northbound congestion.

Somewhere between Poughkeepsie and Kingston I noticed another pickup truck approaching me in my rear view mirror. Back then pickup trucks were not the oversized behemoths that they are now, and yet it was easy for me to spot this guy coming up on me from quite a long way off.

His truck was a spray primer- and Bondo-covered jacked-up monstrosity with big tires and vertical exhaust pipes that stuck out above the traffic like a giant billboard screaming “redneck.” I tracked him as he swerved back and forth from lane to lane, with the occasional jaunt off the road onto the shoulder to accelerate into a gap.

We reached a place where the NY DOT was doing some roadwork and had us driving between concrete barriers blocking off the shoulders on both lanes.

And this was when the DIY monster truck swerved into the space behind me.

I was in the left lane, stuck behind a tractor-trailer, with a second one in the right lane next me. And this guy was behind me, blowing his horn, flashing his lights, and tailgating me so closely that I could see the tiny rust spots on his front bumper.

After a few long minutes of enduring this abuse we reached the end of the barriers, and I passed the front end of the tractor-trailer in the slow lane.

And the jerk almost clipped my rear bumper with one of his massive tires as he cut off into the gap in front of the cab of the eighteen-wheeler. Unappeased, he swerved off onto the right hand shoulder and accelerated up the road.

I waved him goodbye with the appropriate finger.

About a half hour later the traffic crawled to a stop as we approached another construction zone. Eventually we merged right into a single lane. As we plodded along between the traffic cones and the barriers I could see the red and blue lights of a patrol car flashing up ahead.

And there he was.

And it was BEAUTIFUL.

Apparently the DIY monster truck guy had gotten fed up with the delay and decided to use the closed-off left lane as his personal escape path from the traffic jam. After all, what was stopping him but a few little traffic cones?

However, the DOT had closed that lane so they could fix it by removing the bad road and rebuilding it from the foundation up.

Entire sections of the concrete road were removed, pulled out like giant Lego bricks, leaving behind huge, long gaps in the road. The vertical lip on one of these massive holes must have been about a foot deep.

And the DIY monster truck hadn’t made it past the first one.

He must have hit that gap at pretty high speed, or maybe he just didn’t do a good enough job of welding, because in spite of his big tires the lip of the first pit removed the front axle of his truck.

So there he was, in handcuffs, sitting on the ground in front of his broken man-toy, one police officer standing guard over him while another talked on the radio in the squad car.

And the best part?

We all had plenty of time to roll down our windows to congratulate this genius on his life choices and to applaud the cops as we rolled past in the traffic jam.

— Tony Malikowski

A: Excellent story. Even better than a very similar one I once wrote about.

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Aaaand that’s it for today.