The Invitational Week 14: We Bee Back With Neologisms

Make up words using letter sets from the NYT Spelling Bee game. Plus winning bank headlines.

153-time Invitational Loser Bill Dorner in 2019, tending the 100,000 bees he kept in his Indianapolis backyard. Coincidence that he also got multiple ink in our last Spelling Bee neologism contest?

We’re going to begin today in an unusual fashion, for us, which is a nod to someone else’s humor genius. On Saturday night, Saturday Night Live had one of its best sketches ever, and we’re linking to it because it would be a tragedy if you missed it. Here is an antiquated warning: It might not be Safe for Work, as though there were any such thing as “Work” anymore. But you have been warned. Here. It features Chloe Fineman, Mikey Day, and the fabulous Quinta Brunson.

Now, back to our own transcendent humor genius.

DCGINOT > DOGNITION: How your hound remembers, on a walk, that there was once a half of a rotting frankfurter in the front yard of that house on the corner of 14th Street and Independence Avenue, and eagerly inspects the same site every day during walks for the next eleven years just in case.

DCGINOT > CODNOG:  A drink that went undrunk at the Christmas party.  

DCGINOT > CODGING:  “When I was your age, I got one quarter in allowance to buy candy cigarettes.”  “Aw, stop codging, Dad.”  

Seven days a week without fail, for years on end now,  the Empress begins her day by staring – usually at her phone before she gets out of bed – at the seven-letter “hive” of the New York Times’s Spelling Bee game, and typing in words formed from those letters. (Well, um, sometimes she’ll finish her day with the next day’s Bee, if she happens to be awake — or has scheduled to be awake — when the new one goes up at 3 a.m.) 

 She does NOT suggest you spend your own precious moments on Earth doing the same. The Czar doesn’t do it anymore, because he despises the Spelling Bee and its callow creator, SB editor Sam Ezersky,  on the cranky grounds that his creation is ridiculously haphazard and arrogant and arbitrary in the words it deigns to recognize — or not recognize — in its dictionary. The Czar persistently catalogues these outrages, viciously and vigorously and pissily, in his Twitter feed. Examples of totally legit words the Spelling Bee hasn’t recognized, almost all requiring merely a 12-year-old’s knowledge of science or mechanics or medicine: naphtha, tappet, tenpenny, and phthalate. But it does accept “phablet,” a word that is defined by eleven year olds as “a mobile device combining or straddling the size formats of smartphones and tablets.”

The worthiness or vileness of the Spelling Bee is the only significant issue (aside from Indian cuisine) on which the Czar and Empress are in total disagreement — they do have certain minor quarrels on early 20th-century Russian history and Judaism and antique clocks — and their disagreements on the Spelling Bee would imperil the entire Empire except they have agreed to disagree, which is why this contest exists today, Week 14 of The Invitational, a neologism contest that has nothing really to do with Spelling Bee except that we’re ripping off 20 of its old letter sets. The plan is below, but first, a one-question Gene Pool Gene Poll, based on one of the greatest moments in newspaper history. Do you recognize the unintentionally hilarious goof in this Word-Scramble Scrabblegrams Puzzle that was run in hundreds of newspapers many years ago? The letters that you had to rearrange into a word were: U S B T T E X? Do you see both the answer they wanted you to find, and the inadvertent other possibility?

  

Back to this week’s contest: From any of the 20 Spelling Bee letter sets listed below, coin a funny new term or phrase of any length and define it, and/or use it in a funny “quote” that makes its meaning clear.  The Empress chose the “hives” at random from the complete archives (2018-present) on William Shunn’s impressive website Spelling Bee Solver. 

You must use the first letter in the set (anywhere in the word) plus any or all of the others, as often as you like.

Please begin each entry with the letter set you’re using.

DCGINOT
LCEMOPT
FAELMOT
PILNORU
CABEIMN 
TCEILOV
TACILMN
OEHMNTW
EABCHLW
LACHINO
OAFINTX
TAILMOP
GAEFLOP
TABIMNO
ADLMNTY
NADHMOW
LBEFINX
PADINOT
MBEILOZ
YACGINR

Click here for this week’s entry form. Please read the EZ formatting directions on the form, so we also don’t have to blahblah them here. 

The April 4 Spelling Bee “hive.” In the NYT game,  your words must include the central letter, have at least four letters, and may repeat letters. Same rules for our neologism contest, except no minimum length.  (That day’s pangram, or word using all the letters: “infirmary”; 28 others were on the NYT word list.)  

Deadline is 4 p.m. ET Saturday, April 15. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, April 20.

This week’s winner gets a “Traveler Preparedness kit,” issued by the Traveler Beer Co., featuring 12 fake mustaches in six shapes: the Wise Traveler, the Devious Traveler, plus Rogue, Smooth, Wild, and Dangerous. (Not sure which one is Czar.) I think they’d all qualify as Weirdo Traveler With an Obviously Fake Mustache.  Donated ages ago by Loser Kathleen Delano.

Your worldwide fame as an Invitational Loser may force you to travel incognito.

Note from Czar: It is the “Dangerous Traveler.” And women are VERY impressed by it. Note from Empress: Maybe if you cleaned the soup out of it.

The results of Week 12 are below, but first, two paragraphs of boring but necessary boilerplate:

After the intro (which you are reading now), there will be some early questions and answers  added on –  and then I'll keep adding them as the hour progresses and your fever for my opinions grows and multiplies and metastasizes.  To see those later Q&As,  just refresh your screen every once in a while. 

As always, you can also leave comments. They’ll congregate at the bottom of the post, and allow you to annoy and hector each other and talk mostly amongst yourselves. Though we will stop in from time to time.

Head Spinning: Reinterpreted headlines from Week 12

In Week 12’s perennial Mess With Our Heads contest, also newly rebranded by the Czar as the Tallulah Contest, we asked you to reinterpret a headline from any current publication by adding a

bank head, or subtitle. We got almost 800 gleeful misreadings of papers and magazines and websites from around the world. Many of them used headlines about “TikTok Official Grilled in Congress” to make unfortunate jokes about Asian spare ribs.

Third runner-up: As in 2016, Trump’s GOP rivals haven’t figured out a way around him
Ex-presidential butt may have grown even more, some say (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Second runner-up: Stormy March Day Expected for Much of the U.S. on Friday
Millions of Americans plan parades to celebrate Daniels (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

First runner-up: Decades Later, Senate Votes to Repeal Iraq Combat Authorizations
Next up: Reconsidering the Fugitive Slave Act of 1850  (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

And the winner of the floor-mopping slippers:

Bacteria from meat may cause more than a half-million UTIs, study says
Oscar Mayer issues advisory: Wieners are for eating only  (Jon Carter, Fredericksburg, Va. )  

Heads & Fails: Honorable Mentions

Baby born in parking lot of Michigan Costco store
Infant taken inside, successfully incubated in 5-gallon mayonnaise jar (Jon Carter)

Man’s Sudden Reappearance Spurs Confusion and Doubt
‘Fake News!’ Claims Pontius Pilate  (Peg Hausman, Bloomington, Ind.)

D.C. Council pushes free buses despite mayor
Zero Carbon Caucus finds heart-healthy way to overcome Bowser’s veto  (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

Evacuations end after derailment
Startled passengers scurry from train's toilets (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

California skydiver survives crash into electrical lines ‘without a scratch’
Man cheerfully credits the insulating corpse of tandem skydiving customer (Jon Carter)  

Europe is waking too slowly
EU to subsidize rectal alarm clocks  (Kevin Dopart)

Even if Trump were to get off in New York, so what?
It didn’t help him in Tahoe, Stormy says (Joan Witte, Lake View Terrace, Calif.)

Flight attendants want babies off laps and in seats
Overhead compartments also OK if space permits, they say (Steve Honley, Washington, D.C.)
Ginni Thomas-led group drew nearly $600K anonymously
Crudely penciled counterfeit bills didn’t fool anyone, though (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Google to offer Irish workers facing ax $320,000
Still not many takers at Dublin pub’s weird hatchet-catching game (Dan Helming, Whitemarsh, Pa.)

How to upset the nation’s biggest, baddest women’s basketball team
Tell them they play pretty good for a bunch of chicks (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)  

Is it ever okay to ask for a plus-one to a wedding?
What to do if your conjoined twin’s not invited (Jon Gearhart)

Lawmakers tour Washington jail where January 6 defendants are held
Delegation Gains Access by Smashing Windows, Breaking Down Doors (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

Metro driver drove on autopilot
Squashed autopilot rushed to hospital (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.)

Pecker, appearing for 2nd time, is key player in case
Defendant’s courtroom behavior won’t help him in indecent-exposure trial  (Chris Doyle)

Re-create a presidential date night with this rigatoni
Blue dress optional  (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

Scientists say there could be planets made of dark matter lurking in the universe
Trump urges immigrant ban from ‘shithole planets’ (Jon Carter)       

Scientists say the sun is ‘waking up’
DeSantis promptly bans sunlight (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

Senate Confirms Butler as Police Superintendent
‘He Did It!’ Exclaims Every Detective (Kevin Dopart)

Smell Gas, Act Fast
Miss Manners suggests: ‘Excuse yourself pleasantly, then quickly and discreetly move away from the offender’ (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

The Adderall shortage is a symptom of a much larger problem within the DEA
They could focus on it, if only they could score some Adderall (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

We’re going to do it together
Newlyweds announce strategy for conceiving child (Lee Graham)

Wife wants her mom, husband to be friends
Ask Amy launches new Pornhub channel  (Jon Carter)         

An illustrated guide to how fees are making everything pricier
Exclusive: Learn how things cost more when charges go up (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

 Brooks reaches one destination but sees a long road still ahead
2000-Year-Old Man looks forward to his next millennium (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)

The definition of freedom
Merriam-Webster adds ‘Nothing left to lose’ under ‘Freedom Caucus’ listing (Jon Gearhart)

With depth and defense, Aztecs keep surprising
‘Montezuma has done an amazing job and is being recognized more and more, I notice’ (Kevin Dopart)

Trump Would Like a Word
Leftist Dictionaries Snub ‘Covfefe’  Yet Again (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.)

Watching live sports in person may be good for you, researchers say
Stadium safest place for kids to watch drunken fistfights, according to study (Jon Carter)

Easter Entertaining with BJ’s
He Is Risen!  (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

And Last: A Big Assist from Curry
Ex-columnist reflects on decision to retire  (Malcolm Fleschner, Palo Alto, Calif.)

The headline “Head Spinning” was submitted by both Jeff Contompasis and Chris Doyle; Jon Gearhart wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. 

Still running – deadline 4 p.m. Saturday, April 8: Our Week 13 contest to tell us what could possibly be worse than four more years of Trump.   Click here or type in bit.ly/inv-week-13. 

Banter and share humor with the Losers and the Empress in the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook; join (tell them you came from The Gene Pool) and the Devs will anagram your name every which way. And see more than 1,000 classic Invite entries in graphic form, also on FB, at Style Invitational Ink of the Day.

You need to be a paid subscriber to The Gene Pool to enter the Invitational. Sign up (just $5/month or $50/year for an Invitational plus a second Gene column every week) at GeneWeingarten.substack.com.

Now, your questions and Gene’s answers.

Q: Do you wear underpants? In general?

A: Yes, but I don’t always change them every day, and this embarrasses me. I am quite neurotic in general but this may be my biggest anxiety. The problem was exacerbated with the pandemic. I am still worried about it even as I write this. I am, at this moment, changing my underpants.

Q: Are you still a hypochondriac?

A: No. Why, have you heard something? Wait, what have you heard? Please email me privately. Is it fatal? Might it be fatal?

TIMELY TIP: If you're reading this right now on an email:   Click here to get to my webpage, then click on the top headline (In this case, “Invitational Week 14 …”) for my full column, and comments, and real-time questions and answers. And you can refresh and see new questions and answers that appear as I regularly update the post from about noon to 1 ET on Thursday, April 6.

Q: Can you tell us your biggest secret?  

A: I don’t like Indian curry.  It is my biggest secret and greatest shame  and here is where the suppuku comes in.    

Q: Is it possible to be condescending to a dog? 

A: No. 

Q: Having just made one of many trips from Virginia to New Jersey, the following finally occurred to me, and maybe this is a poll question. You can enter NJ for free, but you have to pay to exit. Is there a price point such that you would refuse to pay to exit, even IF it's NJ?

A: I would gladly pay to exit certain bathrooms on the NJ Turnpike.

By the way, I have probably written this before but roughly 30 years ago I was in a bar in Key West where the men’s room had sloshing urine on the floor, but when wife returned from ladies room, she noted it was ankle deep.   

Q: Gene --- I'm a big believer in regularly refreshing or adding to, one's phobias so, as chief behavioral health officer for The Pool, i offer for your approval --- coulrophobia, the fear of clowns and misophonia --- nothing to do with the Japanese soybean-based soup --- but the strong emotional reaction to common sounds, such as breathing, yawning, or the sound of someone tapping. Dale of Green Gables.  

A: My big deal is the sound of people chewing food.  I don’t mind the sound of MY chewing food, but I kind of get grossed out by others, except people I love.  It does remind me of a great idea for a diet I once had.  You can eat as much as you want, but have to look at it in your mouth after chewing and before swallowing.   Also, that you have to eat naked in front of a mirror.  

Q:  Hoping you still answer odd medical questions! Last fall I noticed what looked like a little piece of skin hanging off my cheek, like I had scratched myself. I waited for it to fall off - and am still waiting. Any idea what the hell this is? It does not look like any mole I've ever seen - it much more resembles a little layer of skin. It does not hurt when I touch it (and I touch it a lot) and I've thought about using some nail clippers to cut it off, but I'm afraid that it will then hurt. Any ideas?

A: It’s called a snood.  Haha.   Sorry.   It’s called a skin tag and is nothing, and get a doctor to snip it. She will use scissors and laugh at you .  

Q: If the Empress has her tiara, do you have a Czar crown? What is it made of?

Papier mache from toilet paper.

Q: Are you really a Czar? Is the Empress really an Empress?

A: Yes, and yes.  We were both assassinated in Yekaterinburg in 1918 by policemen with rotting teeth, and then shoved down a well.   We are ghosts.   

Q: What is your favorite sushi or sashimi?

A: Raw shrimp.   But it has to be great.   

Hey, does this not work as a questions link? https://forms.gle/4vAkCgvxKXYVSFFq7

Do you have a favorite piece of doggeral written by anyone but you?

Yes.  

I lately lost a preposition;

It hid, I thought, beneath my chair,

And angrily I cried, "Perdition!

Up from out of in under there."

Correctness is my vade mecum,

And straggling phrases I abhor,

And yet I wondered, "What should he come

Up from out of in under there for?"

Attributed to John Moore. 

Q: I submitted a question a couple of iterations ago, but it never appeared. Not only did you not answer or take the opportunity to explain why I am an idiot, you apparently rejected it as unworthy of bytes. Granted, I *might* have used the phrase “breathe a sigh of relief,” which could have caused you to immediately vomit and inadvertently delete the question. Understandable. I don’t recall how I phrased it, but it didn’t seem at all offensive to me. So, my question now is whether there are certain standards questions have to meet, whether perhaps a question might sit in a queue for a few weeks before it appears here, some subjects are just off limits (it had to do with AI), or should I just take a hint already and unsubscribe with my tail between my legs? So to speak. Jen from DC

Hi, Jen.   Gonna be very direct here.  You screwed up very badly by writing “breathed a sigh of relief,” which is a revolting cliche I cannot countenance and that offends me as a human being.  But you also use “Jen,” which is an intelligent shortening of an unnecessarily long name.   So, that’s pretty much a wash.  You remain a reader in good standing.

Hey, I am calling this one down. Thank you all, and please keep sending in questions and comments. I will addres them on Tuesday.