The Invitational Week 127: Put It in Bee-Verse

Use one of those obscure spelling bee words in a funny poem. Plus 'air quotes' winners.

2024 photo by Matt McLain, The Washington Post via Getty Images

Amphicrania, headache on both sides of the head:
A native of West Transylvania
Was plagued by advanced amphicrania.
He’s not a vampire
But his teeth feel on fire —
It’s a headache that really can painya.

(We’re announcing that we
Are doing the spelling bee
Again,
Fren’.)

In this week’s Invitational contest, Week 127: Write a humorous rhyming poem or tell a short joke (e.g., a riddle) using any word from Round 6 or later in the 2025 Scripps National Spelling Bee. The real meaning of the word should be clear, from context alone or by brief definition, as in the Czar’s limerick up top. The Bee’s website, spellingbee.com, doesn’t supply the meanings, but you can find them at m-w.com or by Googling, or just choose a word from the sample list below.

— You may use a slightly different form of the word (e.g., plural, past tense).
— Be sure to use the correct spelling of the word, which appears on the list to the left of however the kid spelled it in competition, correctly or not.
— For Guidance ’n’ Inspiration,® here are the results of our last bee poetry contest.

A few words chosen more or less randomly from this year’s lists (but choose from dozens more here in Rounds 6 through 21:

Acker (ACK-er), a ripple or a patch of ruffled water

Adytum (ADD-a-tum), an inner sanctum of an ancient temple available only to priests

Bibliognost (BIB-li-og-nost): Someone with comprehensive knowledge of books

Dolabrate (DOLE-a-bret or DOLE-a-brate): Shaped like the head of an ax or hatchet

Dyslogistic (DIS-logistic): Uncomplimentary, derogatory

Éclaircissement (ay-CLAIR-cease-mont): Clarification, a clearing up of something obscure. (This was this year’s final word.)

Epistrophe (eh-PIS-tro-fee): A literary device in which a word or expression is repeated at the end of successive phrases for effect (e.g., “government of the people, by the people, for the people”)

Polyptoton (po-LIP-to-tahn or polyp-TO-tahn): A literary device in which a word is repeated but in different forms (e.g., “To be ignorant of one’s ignorance is the malady of the ignorant”)

Hyaline (HY-a-lin): Transparent, glasslike

Innominable (in-NOM-inable): Cannot be named, indescribable

Penannular (pen-ANN-ular): Having the shape of a ring with an opening

Kinnor (kee-NOR): An ancient Jewish lyre

Radicicolous (RAD-i-SICK-o-lus): Living on or in roots, as do some fungi

Formatting this week: As usual with our poetry contests, just type each poem as you’d like to see it appear; this is an exception to our usual request to write each entry as a single line. If you’re writing more than one poem (or joke), add a line of space or other indication between one and the next.

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-127. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form.

Deadline is Saturday, June 14, at 9 p.m. ET. (Please don’t tell us you’ll be watching that parade.) Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, June 19.

The winner, apropos of the literary nature of today’s contest, gets the book
Nine Nasty Words: English in the Gutter: Then, Now, and Forever, by John McWhorter. Chapters on the history and current lives of said words include “What Is It About Fuck?,” “Profanity and Shit,” and “Those Certain Parts” (and the many more than nine things we call them).

Look ‘Wit’hin: The ‘air quotes’ from Week 125

In Invitational Week 125 we presented our final “air quotes” contest (there have been at least nine of them over the years) to find a word within another word that can shade its meaning. Please note that an unusually high percentage of these inking entries involve poopy. We cannot explain this except for the fact that the Czar was mathematically one-half the judging team.

Third runner-up:
“MUSK”ETRY: The “ready, fire, aim!” management approach. (Stu Segal, Southeast U.S.)

Second runner-up:
C“LOG”: “I think I see the problem here with your toilet.” (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

First runner-up:
A“BS”TINENCE: “I just want to look into your eyes when we wake up in the morning.” (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

And the winner of the travel mug that looks like a dirty can of auto brake cleaner:
TO“MBS”TONE: Don’t cross this guy. (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)

Now the Gene Pool Gene Poll:

As always, if you think we ignored better entries in the Honorables (below) yell at us in the Comments.

Top-‘Not’ch: Honorable mentions

M“AINT”ENANCE: Fixing that leaky faucet, painting the kitchen, and other tasks that I’m just not going to do. (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

“PROSE”CUTABLE: What freedom of speech is, according to Pam Bondi. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

AD“VANCE”: To climb the political ladder by suddenly ignoring all your previous views. (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.)

“ANAL”GESIC: A painkilling suppository. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

BLISTERI“NGL”Y: How your warts-and-all performance review is conducted. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

BR“AI”N: What you need to use to get ahead in school. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

“BUTT”ONHOLE: To corner someone at a party to blather about yourself. (Duncan Stevens)

CHA“GRIN”: That big frozen smile on the face of someone who says, “It was an honor just to be nominated.” (Jeff Contompasis)

COMPL“EXIT”Y: Too long, didn’t read, zoned out. (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

C“HA”OS: What the Marx Brothers perfected. (Neil Kurland)

CR“YOLO”GY: Can frozen bodies really be resurrected? (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

DECOLLET“AGE”: The year your bust becomes “a bust.” (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)

“DEPART”MENT OF GOVERNMENT EFFICIENCY: Good riddance, Elon. (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.)

ÉCLAIRCIS“SEMEN”T: “Explaining to” your mom that you spilled Elmer’s glue on your sheets. (Mike Ostapiej, Charleston, S.C.)

HOMI“LIES”: If Trump were Pope, what he’d offer. (Neil Kurland)

IL“LUST”RATION: Manga porn. (Gary Crockett)

INCOM“PETE”NCE: Nobody does it like Mr. Hegseth. (Jesse Frankovich; Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

INHO“SPIT”ABLE: Unwelcoming (in the extreme!). (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

IRRELE“VANCE”: The Vice President’s primary function. (Jesse Frankovich; Neil Kurland)

LI“FELON”G: The sort of wrongdoer the President is. (Jesse Frankovich)

LOLLAPA“LOO”ZA: “Blimey, I think I just set a personal record in there!” (Pam Shermeyer)

M“ANGER”: “No room at the inn? What is this crap, Joseph? I am NOT having this baby out here!” (Mark Raffman)

“NEEDLES”S: What RFK Jr. thinks covid shots are. (Chris Doyle)

NE“ME”SIS: Everyone’s worst enemy. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

OLI“GOP”OLY: The reason we love unregulated free markets. — JD Vance (Chris Doyle; Neil Kurland)

P“IRATE”: He flies the Cranky Roger flag. (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio)

“POO”L: No swimming today! (Chris Doyle)

QUE“SAD”ILLA: When you are hungry for Mexican but only Taco Bell is open. (Terri Berg Smith, Rockville, Md.)

RHO“DE I”SLAND: The wokest state. (Jesse Frankovich)

ROCKY MOUNTAI“N O”YSTERS: “Um, I’m good, thanks.” (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

SPL“END”ID: Callipygian. (Gary Crockett)

S“TURD”INESS: What you immediately notice about Tesla trucks. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

TRU“ST FU”ND BABIES: People who shouldn’t lecture others about pulling themselves up by their bootstraps. (Duncan Stevens)

YO“U SAID” IT: Trump on his foreign aid cuts: “You know, it’s devastating.” (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

THE WASHINGTON “POS”T: A formerly great metropolitan newspaper. (Jeff Contompasis)

And Last: CL“INKER”: The entry you didn’t think was worth submitting, but wins the contest for someone else. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

And Even Laster: O“INK”S: Invitational entries that they’ll run when pigs fly. (Chris Doyle)

The headline “Look ‘Wit’hin” is by Judy Freed; Judy and Jon Gearhart each submitted the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running — deadline Saturday, June 7, at 9 p.m. ET: Our “Questionable Journalism” contest to misinterpret sentences in news stories. Click below for details.

The Invitational Week 126: Questionable Journalism

Now we seamlessly segue into the Real-Time portion of The Gene Pool, where Gene answers your questions and observations in real time. Many of today’s questions relate to his call, on the weekend, for things for which you are absurdly proud. In his case it was his skill at raising backyard tomatoes, and front-yard figs.

Please send in new Q’s and Obses here:

Q: If you could change your job tomorrow, what would you most want to be? Things you might conceivably be able to do.

A: First, “edge rusher” for the New York Giants. Second, lead dancer for the Bolshoi Ballet.

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Q: My absurd boast: I have twice been a dead body on national TV.

The first time was in “Homicide: Life On The Street” where, in an autopsy scene, I was wheeled into the background in a body bag up to my chest. However, in another Homicide, I was on the floor of a fast food place, dead as a doornail. I even had wardrobe and a name on the Murder Board, Douglas Wrobel. As for my acting, I take great pride in that I chose a bold acting choice. The looking appropriately bloated was my own achievement. – Chuck Smith

A: Just FYI, this is the internationally famous (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) who almost singlehandedly kept the Style Invitational alive and thriving during its early years.

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Do you want to be able to enter the Invitational? You have to be a paid subscriber. Fortunately, it is only $4.15 a month. You do it here:

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TIMELY TIP: If you’re reading this on an email: Just click on the headline in the email and it will deliver you to the full column online. Keep refreshing the screen to see the new questions and answers that appear as I regularly update the post.

Okay, let’s go.

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Q: Here’s my brag: When I was in college and drunk I won a peeing contest, based on the measured distance the pee traveled. That’s not the great part. The great part is that I was one of five contestants, and the only girl.

A: Wow!

Great achievement. You have an admirable urethra, ma’am, and I am pretty sure I have ever told anyone else that. I am not going to ask you about the fluid dynamics.

It does remind me of a joke. A patron in a bar goes up to the bartender and asks him to put an empty shot glass on the bar. Then he says, “I’m going to stand 25 feet away, and open my fly; I will bet you $100 I can fill that shot glass with pee, right to the brim, within 20 seconds.”

The bartender says “You’re on!”

So the guy walks 25 feet away, opens his fly, and lets it fly. Pee flies all over the place – he wields it like a garden hose, back and forth, but not a single drop lands in the glass.

“Ha!” The bartender says.

The guy walks up and gives him a $100 bill.

“It’s okay,” he says. “I bet my buddies over there $200 that you would let me pee all over your bar.”

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Q: Speaking of tomatoes I've actually eaten fried green tomatoes, and not thrown up. Or down. Or anywhere. I say this because the idea of eating most green things (except celery, and brussels sprouts {some of my friends call them brains} sends my stomach into a panic -- I was served green meat one time (really), gave it a poke to see if it responded, and pretended I was too full to eat another bite). So, my relationship with green food is a continuing saga. Stay tuned, amigo.

A: Among greenies, only broccoli sucks. Spinach is great. Bok choy is great. But wait. Celery is awful. Who the hell likes celery? Is there anyone out there other than this guy who actually likes celery?

It does remind me of the bizarre 1950s pinup art of Art Frahm, a technically talented cartoonist who drew only illustrations of women whose panties have inexplicably fallen to their ankles in what appears to be rare failures of elastic waistbands. The women are always carrying a bag containing celery. I have no idea what this was about; the art was re-popularized a few years ago by the excellent internetter James Lileks.

And:

Q: In sixth grade Catholic school, I was voted Most Mischievous.

A: In college, my nickname was “slime.” Because I was a rabble rousing yellow journalist. I still sometimes use it. It’s part of one of my passwords.

Q: How come "poop" is always singular (even if you have multiple pieces of poop, you still call it "poop") but the more polite term, "feces" is always plural (you would never call a single piece "a fece")? This is the perfect question for the two of you since it combines Gene's greatest love, the philosophy of poop, with Pat's greatest love, grammar nuances.

A: This is from Pat, so it is definitive and cannot be challented or even questioned, as the Letters of Transit:

Poop is generally thought of as a substance, not an object. On the other hand, I'm sure I've heard people say, "My dog made two poops on his walk today." "A shit," on the other hand, is usually something someone gives less than 1 of. From what I hear.

A stool (or, more crudely, a turd) is composed of poop (or various other words for this substance). "Feces" is plural because it comes from the Latin for "dregs" (the singular in Latin would be faex, not fece).

And what good timing for this question! Dear reader, all you need to do is win this week's Invitational -- because the prize is perfect for you.

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Q: How can this possibly be the case: ?? How can Trump’s approval ratings be going UP? You lived through LBJ and through Nixon, what does it take for public opinion to sour? He wants to take so much away from people and yet they still approve of him?

A: Xenophobic scapegoating. It is the engine upon which too much of America runs. It’s the only metric that shows Trump’s positive approvals.

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Q: Hey Gene, I'm currently reading Dave Barry's "Class Clown". While writing, I assumed he discussed items with you that you both were involved in. Did any of your memories diverge? How did he resolve it?

A: They didn’t diverge. Those years were remarkably memorable. I thought he got one fact wrong, but of course I was wrong about that, because he is smarter and sounder of mind.

Q: NYT says the WashPist wants to use Substackers’ work in a new, new column for op-ed page called Ripple. Or Ripoff. Will you be contributing? what will they pay?

A: I doubt they would ask, and if they did, I doubt that I’d accept and I suspect they will pay crap. I say that only because this seems to be a money-saving device. My worry is that it will lead to layoffs on the theory that hiring freelance help is way cheaper. No medical benefits, etc. More desperation.

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Q: Reading that link to (Alois) "Schicklgruber" reminded me of an observation that has been 100% reliable for my entire life: *every* time that I have had extended personal contact with an unpleasant person (for long enough to learn about their background), it has *always* turned out that the offensive individual had had an atrociously nasty childhood (in many cases with parents that were as bad or worse than the acquaintance in question). This is of course not any sort of justification for bad behavior: one cannot exculpate Hitler (nor Trump) just because both of their fathers were notorious assholes.

A: Not sure I identify with this. I believe I have known assholes whose parents I liked. I can think of two. Probably more, if given time. I do think that growing up with a sense of entitlement can itself be destructive — even if the entitlement is not pushed by the parent.

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Home grown tomatoes:

– Dave Beck

I love this song. I heard it for the first time just last week. Rachel’s Dad used to sing it.

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Q: Of course Melania is human, but nature blessed her with a delicate, feminine beauty and manner of speaking that she uses as a mask to hide how craven she is. Her husband is the same way. If you’re looks and voice let you get anything you wanted, wouldn’t you be tempted to do the same? How would any of us been different if nature made us irresistible?

A: Melania is a cyborg.

Q: My main absurd pride: I once knit a pair of argyle socks for a college boyfriend. Pride goeth before the fall. – Tracey

A: Rachel, who knits, confirms that knitting socks is difficult, since they must be oddly shaped and not bunch up, and that creating argyle is almost impossibly difficult because of the constant change in colors, which could create uncomfortable lumps in the fabric. I gather the cad left you? I would say he was obliged to marry and pamper you for y life.

Speaking of “goeth,” I was once in line for a movie and the guy in front of me – an older man with a younger woman – was informing her pompously that Goethe is pronounced GO-eth. I got to correct him.

It was truly a Woody Allen “Marshall McLuhan” moment.

Rachel did, once, knit a beautiful replica of Mr. Hankey, The Christmas poo.

Q: Hi Gene, this is your Aunt Mabel. I am very rich but will be writing you out of my will for making poop jokes since poop isn’t funny, it is a very serious problem old people deal with where we can’t make enough then make too much where we shouldn’t.

A: You are not my aunt. Only Gentiles are named Mabel.

Okay, we’re ending it here. Two final poop jokes are enough.

Please keep sending in Q’s and O’s. I need them.