The Invitational Week 12: Mess With Our Heads

Reinterpret any headline by adding a 'bank head' (that's what this is). Plus a reexamination of our 1993 contests.

Good afternoon. Today is our weekly Thursday foray into The Invitational, but first we deliver our weekly foray into The Gene Pool’s Gene Poll. This one will be especially annoying because it will force you to make, and commit to, a decision that has no reasonable answer. The good news is that it will be over in just a second, and you can move on with your life, tormented by self-doubt though it might now be.

Okay, that’s it. Calm down. Do not blame your significant other for disagreeing with you. On to the Invitational.

Real headline: ‘My goal, ultimately, is to get eyeballs’
Invitational bank head: Our exclusive interview with Mr. Potato Head (by Barbara Turner)

Head: Catholic University names president
Bank: ‘Biden, duh’ (Sam Mertens)

For Week 12: Reinterpret some actual headline (or a major part of it) by adding a bank head, or subtitle, as in the runners-up above from the most recent Mess With Our Heads contest. The headlines may be from any publication, print or online, dated March 23-April 1, 2023. Include the source and date of the headline so we can verify it; for online stories, please paste that page’s URL after your entry.

This current paragraph, the one beginning now with these words, was not approved by the Empress, who disavows it entirely, and who thinks, but will not say, that The Czar is a moron. But the Czar believes that this “bank head” contest — invented in 2004 by Her Empressness — should be officially renamed the “Tallulah” contest for obvious reasons. It may be a stupid idea, but it does allow us to link to this awful thing, the very worst thing Bert Lahr ever was involved with, merely three years after playing the Cowardly Lion. It’s from a movie called Ship Ahoy. It is not saved by the brilliant drummer Buddy Rich or the brilliant tap dancer Eleanor Powell. Or Red Skelton, for that matter. Nothing can save this.

We’ve ruled on a number of points in the bank head Tallulah bank head contest over the years since the Empress invented it and thus she gets final strike-through editing rights over it: What constitutes a headline? What counts as a substantial part? Can I drop words off the end? (Yes, if it doesn’t totally change the meaning.) How about the middle? (No.) You might consult this paywall-free link to a 2019 Convo with the FAQs.

Click here for this week’s entry form.    Please read the EZ formatting directions on the form, so we also don’t have to blahblah them here. 

Deadline is 4 p.m. ET Saturday, April 1 (please keep the yuks to the writing rather than pranking the Empress and Czar). Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, April 6.

How to have buff feet. This week’s prize.

This week’s winner gets these ultra-useful slippers with which you (or, if you have big feet, a junior person) can dust-mop your floor. Or wear them to one of your kickier cocktail parties. If we were you, we’d get a couple of pairs of googly eyes for them.

The results of Week 10 are below, but first, two paragraphs of boring but necessary boilerplate:

After the intro (which you are reading now), there will be some early questions and answers  added on –  and then I'll keep adding them as the hour progresses and your fever for my opinions grows and multiplies and metastasizes.  To see those later Q&As,  just refresh your screen every once in a while. 

As always, you can also leave comments. They’ll congregate at the bottom of the post, and allow you to annoy and hector each other and talk mostly amongst yourselves. Though we will stop in from time to time.

Jesteryear: Revisiting Our Contests From 1993

In Week 10 The Invitational celebrated its 30th anniversary  (we were actually at Week 1,528 if you combine both its homes) by inviting the Loser Community to enter contests from our debut year, 1993,  but with current references along with timeless ones. 

By the way, we heartily welcome suggestions for future contests — given, if things go well, that we’ll need them every single week for a goodly long time.  Ahem:

Third runner-up:  From Week 19, change a name or phrase by one letter:
There’s no trying in baseball:  Title of the Washington Nationals’ playbook. (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

Second runner-up: Week 40, what’s next on the Politically Correct agenda: 
“Curious George” is retitled  “The Abduction of an Innocent Monkey and Assignation of an Anglo Name by an Exploitive White Man in a Big Yellow Hat That Is Clearly an Attempt to Compensate for His Sexual Impotence.” (Jon Carter, Fredericksburg, Va.)

First runner-up:  Week 14, collective nouns: 
A sexy negligee of – ahem, I meant a SLIP of Freudian. (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

And the winner of the genuine 1990s Style Invitational prize bumper stickers:  
Week 19, change a name by one letter:
Lady Gag: Linda Lovelace’s less successful younger sister.  (Malcolm Fleschner, Palo Alto, Calif.)

’93 Skidoo: Honorable Mentions

Week 2, a new state slogan for Maryland:  “We’re the ‘mar’ in Delmarva!” (Jon Carter)

Week 4, “if we can send a man to the moon, why can’t we …”  find 11,780 votes in Georgia? Give me a break.  – D.J.T., Fla.  (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

Week 5, “joint legislation” among members of the current Congress: The Harder-DeGette-Risch Act to ensure that the 1 percenters stay the 1 percenters. (Pam Shermeyer)

— The Lesko-Kildee-Buck-Fry-Bacon-Boyle-Bean Act to encourage good ol’ American campfire cooking. (Pam Shermeyer)

Week 7, good names for rock bands: The Jim Jordan Jacket Thieves (Steve Smith)

Rep. Jim Jordan, mostly unsuited.

The Washington Rock Band (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)    

Week 9, vanity license plates: For Liz Cheney: TRE45ON (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

Week 13, anagrams of famous people or institutions:
The National Rifle Association > Fanatical loonies are into this (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)   
The Supreme Court of the United States > Protects the fetus o’er the unsuited ma (Jon Gearhart)
Tucker Carlson = Role: Cuck rants (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Week 14, collective nouns: 
 A belfry of election deniers (Connie Dobbins Akers, Radford, Va.)
— A gut of former athletes (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio, Tex.)
— A ream of sphincters (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)
— A tour group of  insurrectionists (Kevin Dopart)
— Piles of proctologists  (Joan Witte, Lake View Terrace, Calif., a First Offender)
— A sylum of Invitational Losers (Karen Lambert)  

Week 18, a new slogan for The Washington Post:  All the Advice Columns That Are Fit to Print, and Then Some (Steve Smith)

Week 19, change an expression by one letter:  
Supreme Curt: Its dissenting opinions say just “Hell no!” (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)
— In God We Thrust:  A core principle of tantric sex. (Judy Freed)
— Money-lack guarantee:  Silicon Valley Bank’s new promotional policy. (Judy Freed)

Week 22, campaign slogans for the next election:  
Trump 2024: A Man of Convictions (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.)
Ron DeSantis: Yes We Ban (Chris Doyle)

Week 24, Ask Backwards: we give the answer, you give the question:
A. Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Madonna.
Q.  Who would have been better choices than Amy Coney Barrett for a Supreme Court seat after Ruth Bader Ginsburg died?  (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Week 29, unfortunate product slogans:
Amazon Echo: We always listen to our customers. (Karen Lambert)
Preparation H: It’s swell! (Terry Reimer, Frederick, Md.)

Week 39, new Crayola colors:
CPAC Rainbow: A swirling spectrum of white, ivory, cotton, pearl, cream, eggshell, ecru, and orange. (Jon Carter)

Week 30, interpret ink blots: Pippi Longstocking reading on the toilet. (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.)

Week 33, major events as recounted by some particular person:  
 The Lincoln Assassination, as told by Dr. Seuss
Said the man to his wife, “Let us go to a play!”
Said the wife, “You must not!  Please just do what I say!”
But the man said, “I will! It will surely be fun!”
And the play was cut short by a man with a gun,
So the thing you must know: If you care for your life,
Do not go to a play when told “no” by your wife.   (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Week 38, Ask Backwards II: 
A.  Ho Ho Ho.
Q.  What is Chi Chi Chi Minh Minh Minh’s first name? (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

A. The Archbishop of Canterbury, and Beavis.
Q. Who are two people you shouldn’t address as “Yo, Butthead”? (Duncan Stevens)

Week 40, what’s next on the PC agenda: 
Since the word “trigger” itself can actually bring to mind those things that bother sensitive individuals, it will now be known as “the T-word.” (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)
— Now that people from the past must be held to today’s moral standards, it’s almost impossible to name a building after someone born before 1995. This will result in 22,000 Malala Yousafzai Elementary Schools. (Jon Carter)

Week 42, a worse thing in life than Washington’s football team:
Being a  fan of the team for the 30 years since this contest first appeared. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

Week 43, what does God look like? 
God looks just like Hitler, which HE thinks is hilarious, but most newcomers to Heaven are not amused. (Tom Witte)
—  Gosh, I hate to seem immodest, but . . . – G. Santos, Washington (Duncan Stevens)

And Last: Week 33:
The news from October 1929, by Gene Weingarten
A woman who seemed unabashed
Had dog poo she secretly stashed
’Twas only a dollop
The size of a polyp
And Friday the stock market crashed. (Rob Cohen)

The headline “Jesteryear” is by Tom Witte;  Kevin Dopart wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. 

Still running – deadline 4 p.m. Saturday, March 25:  Our Week 11 contest to produce a funny result by asking the AI tool Dall-E 2 to generate a picture.   Click here or type in bit.ly/inv-week-11. 

Banter and share humor with the Losers and the Empress in the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook; join (tell them you came from The Gene Pool) and the Devs will anagram your name every which way. And see more than 1,000 classic Invite entries in graphic form, also on FB, at Style Invitational Ink of the Day.

You need to be a paid subscriber to The Gene Pool to enter the Invitational. Sign up (just $5/month or $50/year for an Invitational plus a second Gene column every week) at GeneWeingarten.substack.com.

Now, your questions and my answers.

Q: In the excellent Mike Gips interview, the Empress mentioned that after 2016, comedy started getting dominated by political bashing. Is there any hope of getting back to apolitical humor?

A: No, you pathetic right-wing lunatic.   

Q: This made no sense to me the first time. Now here we go again. Maybe you can explain it.

When Michael Cohen testified on tv in 2019, every Republican committee member prefaced their questions, even if they had no question, with “We all know he’s a convicted liar.” They implied, when they didn’t actually say, “So he’ll lie about anything.” Well, yeah. Only this testimony wasn’t about something else, it was about THE SAME THING. 

Cohen had told congressional committees and the FBI that he didn’t do all those illegal things for Trump. Evidence to the contrary proved he did do them and lied about it. He was convicted. That’s how we know he’s a liar. So when he later testified to the house oversight committee on television that he DID do it, if that were a lie, wouldn't it mean he had actually told the truth the first time, and was therefore not a liar? Pick a lane, buddy.

This is not a Liar Paradox, and whether or not Cohen can be believed now about anything else is beside the point. If he lied saying he didn’t do it, and it’s been proven he did, how can he be lying to say he did?

Maybe I just missed it, but I heard none of the hundreds of comments about the testimony point this out. It’s obvious why Republicans didn’t, but why no one else? Now it’s happening again, with “whether or not to believe a convicted liar,” etc.

Can you shed light on this?

A: Yes. Modern  Republicans have no shame, and modern Democrats have no strategy.

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This is Gene: By the way, today’s Invitational results involve a delightful irony. In the original contest, in 1993, The Invitational faced a problem. The contest to answer the question “What does God look like?” was a resounding failure. It either appalled some people, or just baffled them, but The Czar had to make a cataclysmic contest-defining decision. Do we publish weak entries, or simply declare the contest a failure and write something funny ourselves? We chose option 2. Declaring, indelibly, that we will not bore you. The Czar is absolutely delighted that, a mere 30 years later, we got not one but TWO worthy entries.

TIMELY TIP: If you're reading this right now on an email:   Click here to get to my webpage, then click on the top headline (In this case, “Invitational Week 12… ” for my full column, and comments, and real-time questions and answers, and be able to refresh and see new questions and answers that appear as I regularly update the post.

Q:  There is a very old and not very good joke which goes like this: A woman tells a friend that she has a rare medical condition: every time she sneezes, she has an orgasm. "Are you taking anything for it?" asks the friend? "Yes. Pepper."

It occurred to me to check and see if there were in fact such a medical condition. Alas, apparently not. But there is the inverse: There seem to be numerous cases of people subject to violent sneezing AFTER orgasm. 

Just thought everyone would like to know that.  Achoo!

A: Thank you.  It does remind me of the joke about the the mother Superior and the novice nun.   

Q: Today, Hayes Brown, MSNBC Opinion Writer/Editor wrote  of Florida, "One bill under consideration in the  House would require schools to teach “that sex is determined by biology and reproductive function at birth; that biological males impregnate biological females by fertilizing the female egg with male sperm; that the female then gestates the offspring; and that these reproductive roles are binary, stable, and unchangeable.”"

Do hermaphrodites exist or is the Florida house crazy?  

A: I want to say “Yes,” but I am confused by the question.  Can anyone explain?  

Q: On vegetarianism, which I refer to as the "V" word: True story. I had fangs as a kid. They were filed down (very painful) when I was a child, so I stopped biting myself.  There is a reason for canine teeth, you know. We're SUPPOSED to eat meat.

A: What you are saying is that we are programmed to eat meat, not that we are supposed to.  We can become more civilized.  It is also in our genes to improve ourselves.  We are probably also genetically programmed to kill each other in pointless wars. 

Q: Gene, I’m in my early 50s, married 25 years, raising 2 teens. I have a masters degree and worked in my profession for 22 years. In my career, I won awards, served on boards, was well-paid, etc. I haven’t worked in that field for a few years and no longer want to. My husband has a new job that moved our family to California, which we all love. I am now…bored. I’m basically a housewife and stay at home mom and what I do feels purposeless and invisible. Do you have any advice for me? 

A: Being neither 50 nor female, I’m probably not qualified to answer, so I’ll put this out there.  My ignorant sadvice, weak as it is, is Aim High.   Do what you always wanted to do as a career, something you love, and don’t worry about making money just yet.  Smarter people please weigh in.

OH I SHOULD MENTION THIS… I MAY HAVE TO LEAVE A LITTLE EARLY TODAY.

Q: The French are right about the value of being able to retire at an age that allows one to enjoy many years as a retiree, but aren't they wrong about who should pay for it?  

There is no way to fund a government pension for an increasingly large number of retirees without raising taxes on the still-working.  It's the same beef I have with AARP, which has been begging me to join for 10 years now.  If you give more money to old people, it has to come from young people  In the US we fund old age entitlements by underfunding children (health care, child care, universal pre-K, etc.)  How do the French propose to do it differently?  

A: In the short run, by raising the retirement age slightly!  It makes sense.  But it is politically untenable.  

Q: Do you think Bob Staake might agree to illustrate for The Invitational by suggesting he could be replaced by the description "An illustration of <fill_in_the_subject> in the style of Bob Staake" to DALL-E?

A:  I will try this.  He might have to kill me.

Q: This question is more for the Empress, but your thoughts are welcome as well — in written English, which is the proper indefinite article for a word (or initialism) where the first letter is a consonant but it’s pronounced with an invisible vowel? I.e., is it “a MRI” or “an MRI”?

A: I don’t need to bother the Empress.  This is all about how it runs off the tongue.  It is AN MRI. AMIRITE? HAR.

Q: Silver Spring - Did you know that Goebbels is the first known source of the term "mainstream media?" Used in the same way it is used by the Right now - "don't listen to the mainstream media, listen to us." I learned it here on The Problem with Jon Stewart podcast:

(Also, what is your opinion of Jon Stewart? I think you rarely find such a smart and curious mind in the body of a first class comedian.) 

A: I did not know this, and I think Jon is a genius.  His dismantling of Tucker Carlson on Crossfire remains one of my favorite videos ever. https://www.hollywoodreporter.com/video/watch-jon-stewart-call-tucker-carlson-a-dick-epic-2004-crossfire-take-down-961147/

Q: Gene, I am of your age and have been thinking about my death. Most specifically, how can I die in time for my obituary to be published in the local newspaper (ok, the Star Tribune) on Monday or Saturday when there are so very few obits published? I definitely don't want to be lost in the Sunday obits which run about 10 pages. Of course I don't plan on this happening soon, but I just want to be prepared.  - Peter in the Twin Cities 

A: I envy you.  I don’t have time to think about my death.  

Q: You said "I don’t hate nuclear power plants. I hate under-regulated nuclear power plants." Am I wrong to be concerned that those plants make great targets for conventional weapons, particularly missiles? They're in a well-known fixed location and can release large quantities of radioactive toxins to terrorize a population. I'm surprised the ones in Ukraine haven't been directly targeted yet.

A: Great!  Thanks.  Now I am worried. AND THINKING ABOUT MY DEATH.

Q:  Your story about the professor who wrote why? on the board for students to answer brought back a memory from my college days. This was in a Speech class, however it was near mid-term and we had not given one speech yet. He had nothing to grade us on. So he comes in and tells us all to out a piece of paper, take off one shoe and trace our foot. Being conditioned to do what the teacher said, we all did it. Then he told us to turn the paper over and write why we did for our mid-term grade. Then he walked out of the room and said he would be back at the end of the class. We all looked at each other, turned our paper over and wrote "Why" in big letters on it, placed them on his desk and all walked out. He came back to class to find an empty room. He gave everyone a C for mid term. I remember being pissed at that. It was his fault that he had not given us anything to be graded on and thought the grades should have been higher. I believe I received an A at the end of their term. I hadn't thought about that in quite a while. RLP

A: You could have gotten an A had you been more creative and not joined an empty protest.   Tracing a foot was sort of ingenious.  Your teacher had a point, though I dunno what it was, but it was thought out.  The task was idiotic, and somehow that was the idea.

Q: Reading your (fabulous, of course) article from 2003 (IIRC) about France and Bush (har) makes me desperately want a follow-up. If they thought Bush was bad (har again), they must have lost their minds over the cheetoh. But reading about WHY they disliked Bush, and why he was elected, it's painfully obvious that cheetoh was just a matter of time.

So, a question: What will it take to swing the pendulum back to a time when both major candidates were fundamentally decent and reasonable people who could work to find common ground? Or am I imagining a past that never really was?

A: I think the last time was Eisenhower-Stevenson.  Seriously. 

Q: Also from your French article, re Bastille Day parade: : "You don't see this sort of display in the United States, a country that in three minutes could -- not to put too fine point on it -- flatten France like a crepe suzette. We do not flaunt our might in this way. We do not need to. We do not whistle in the dark."  Again, in hindsight, you put your finger exactly on why TFG wanted a big military parade in the middle of DC. (Well, one reason anyway.) 

A:  Yes, it continues to astound me this guy was actually our president.  

 Q:   Ooohhh Alan Menken. Little Shop of Horrors, super fun and stylish of the time.  Pocahontas, beautiful music. Others, love him.

A: I do not begrudge Alan his fame and revenues.  But I am jealous because without Menken, and as pathetic as it sounds, I MIGHT be the most famous grad from my years.  

Re: Wednesday’s Blondie: is Dagwood’s daughter bisexual?   https://comicskingdom.com/blondie/2023-03-22

A: You never heard of Robin Hood? /

 I know Cookie Bumstead good. . /

Cookie is not no way bi. /

 And right here she calls Robin “guy.”  

Q: Did you know that official chat baby, Baby Hope, will be graduating high school this spring? Her IB English class is studying you as one of their body of work authors. Seems about right — HopesMa

A: A blast from the past!  Hi, HopesMa.   I feel like an official Dad, with this memory.   If she wants to interview me for her project, I’d be honored.  

Q: Since "Fire and Fury" roared thundering 

   All-out around the Earth 

I wonder if Melania's wondering 

   What her book deal's worth?

A: Thank you.   

Q: If there are 100 cannibals in a room and you eat one of them, how many cannibals are left?

A: One hundred.  

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Q: Gene, you agreed with me that ChatGPT’s CRS report “The Chicken-Egg Conundrum” should utterly terrify those of us in the business of writing analytical reports. I prompted the bot to produce a CRS report on a subject that I actually know something about, and it generated a plausible sounding yet nearly fact-free piece of unmitigated baloney. Should I breathe a sigh of relief regarding my job security, worry some but not too much because by the time it achieves accuracy I will be able to retire, or fear for humanity if policy-makers have to rely on my AI replacement’s analysis? Or should I despair instead considering what information sources are already apparently dominating political discourse?

A: You are going to hate me for this, what I am focusing on.   Sigh of relief.   Especially if it is “heaved.”  Don’t do it.  You are getting expert advice from a writer. Avoid cliches like the plague.   Accept it and move on with dignity.

Okay, I am going to disappear briefly into the Comments, and then cut out of here due to a prior commitment. Please keep sending questions. I eventually get to all of them!