The Grand Gamble

Hello. I’ve never done this, or written this line before, or anything like it:

Today, I donated a thousand dollars to a presidential campaign.

For most of my adult life, I have been highly encouraged not to make political contributions of any size, to anyone, because of having to maintain the elaborate professional fiction that journalists are absolutely pristinely politically neutral. It’s sort of nonsense. Journos are very knowledgeable and opinionated: I always expressed opinions robustly, including the one right here, in which I savaged Donald Trump in 2,000 words. Immediately before the 2020 election. But never gave money.

However I am no longer employed by The Washington Post, and I believe we are facing an existential social and political disaster, and I decided to commit at this moment, when Joe Biden is at his nadir and in need of help, both economic and emotional. Whether he is deserving of help — has his stubbornness and hubris doomed us? — is immaterial to me. This is about practicality. He apparently has no intention of stepping aside, has a lock on the nomination if he wants it, and is a fundamentally good man who has been a fundamentally good president. But most important he is, and will likely remain, the only bulwark against the potential despotism of a malicious, anti-democratic, vengeful, dangerous, bigoted, xenophobic, isolationist incompetent, and very possibly a de facto Russian agent, who has just been loosed by his lapdog Supreme Court to do whatever sinister things he wishes to, if he is elected.

This might well be a foolish expenditure, but I do think there are times you have to step up, if you can afford to do so, and I have invested in worse things. I once bought a 1967 Volvo for $1,000, and discovered two weeks later that it needed a new transmission, for $2,000.

Timothy Mellon, the zillionaire grandson of robber baron Treasury Secretary Andrew Mellon, just donated $50 milllion to a PAC supporting Trump, one of the largest political donations ever disclosed. So my pittance is a mere drop in the bucket, though I researched this thoroughly and discovered that roughly three million drops fill a three-gallon bucket. So there is hope, if enough people get involved.

The vastly most popular positions journos are taking is that Biden Must Go, yesterday if not sooner, release his delegates and urge an open convention. I get it. I watched the debate, too. I turned it off after 15 minutes.

But the last bitterly contested convention was 1924. It took 16 days and 103 ballots before Dems settled on a nonentity career diplomat named John W. Davis — a reluctant, compromise candidate — running with a nonentity named Charles W. Bryan, a noted ridiculous fop from Nebraska. They lost resoundingly to Calvin Coolidge , a pigheaded man whose pigheaded refusal to interfere with stock speculation set up The Great Depression.

Biden, Lord knows, is imperfect, as we have very recently seen in dramatic fashion. But consider Grover Cleveland, whose countenance is above, pictured on a long-ago discontinued thousand-dollar bill. Grover was flawed, too, and also a good president, despite. When he spoke, he harrumphed comically. He was physically ungainly. For a Democrat, he was pretty reactionary. He was a strikebreaker.

When the Lewinsky affair was breaking, I wrote this about Cleveland. The headline was '“Grover Cleveland for President.”

It began thus:

He is out there somewhere: America's savior, the next great president of the United States. He will not look presidential. He might be fat, or have bad teeth. He will mumble a little, or stammer, or speak in sound bites that run on a beat too long. He might be a woman; if so, he will seem dowdy. People who underestimate him will think him stupid; no one will overestimate him. He will have gumption. He will lack guile. He will not particularly want to be president. He will be strong-willed but humble. At night, alone with his terror, he will doubt that he is equal to the job.

And for that reason, he will be perfect.

We are in a spiritual abyss. The president of the United States has acted deplorably, has made truth an elastic commodity, and yet is riding a crest of popularity Eisenhower would have envied. People, presumably, expect no better from their elected leaders. It is on such cynicism that empires crumble.

We have seen this before. It happened in the generation following the Civil War, after a bleeding nation rewarded its greatest leader with a bullet in the brain, and then elected a succession of men who presided over an era of unparalleled scoundreldom and cronyism. A rapidly industrializing country had no shortage of money, or of plutocrats willing to invest it in graft, or of bureaucrats willing to oblige them. Horizons were limitless, as were opportunities for plunder. Public lands were pillaged by robber barons; political favors were routinely bought and sold; elections were stolen; the citizenry expected no better.

Fitfully, the economy was growing. But we had mortgaged our honor.

And then there arrived in Washington a huge, bejowled man, a walrus in wingtips. Hear him coming? That's the groan of his step on the stair. That's the thud of his head on the doorjamb. Confound it. He is not a graceful man. That's him switching off the lights. Mustn't waste electricity.

—

Biden may be that guy, now. Different shape, different liabilities, but similar feelings about him. We have to hope he is that guy. He’s now got my grand. If he pulls out, I suspect he’ll write me a personal reimbursement check. It would be the right thing to do. When Grover Cleveland died in 1908, at 71, his deathbed words were “I have tried so hard to do right.” It was both humble and poignant, simple and profound.

I believe Biden has tried hard to do right. We can reasonably hope he recognizes his frailty, and pulls out of the race. But it doesn’t seem as though it is going to happen; the money’s on Biden to see it through.. He’s a cussedly stubborn sumbitch, and that is one of his great strengths. You saw it 30 years ago in my friend Richard Ben Cramer’s masterful book, What it Takes.

Another great strength is that he surrounds himself with good people, and relies on them. Another strength is that he still may, in fact, be the only Democrat with a shot to beat Trump. Still. People are reacting unexpectedly to the dismal debate performance — according to his campaign his instant poll numbers, if they are to be believed, have not plummeted. We smart people saw a man who appeared to be entering dotage; others seem to have seen a good guy being humiliated by a lying bully.

Anyhow, the check is in the mail.

—

Today’s Gene Pool Gene Poll:

—

We are now entering the real-time segment of the Gene Pool, where I take your questions and observations and respond to them in real time. Many of today’s offerings involve my request this weekend for examples of Biden-like pratfalls you have made. Also, funny sports team names and other things. Please remember to keep refreshing your screen, to see new questions and my answers.

ALSO ASK NEW QUESTIONS AND MAKE NEW OBSERVATIONS HERE:

(Surely you have thoughts on Biden, etc.)

—

Q:  My big pratfall:   Many years ago my group got a new boss, and part of my duties was to brief him on key people he would need to interact with.  He was headed to meet someone for the first time, so I gave him my opinion about the guy: “After you shake hands with him, you better count your fingers”. Certainly not the worst thing one could say, except it turns out the boss a) was missing 2.5 fingers on his right hand; and b) never mentioned this situation in spite of the fact that it was obvious to everyone who looked. 

A: Hahaha.

I once came within a second and a half of hitting “enter” on what would have been a disastrous chat post. This was many years ago. I was taking on the great conservative columnist, Charles Krauthammer, a man of character, integrity and brilliance, someone I always disagreed with but deeply respected. He had written a defense of John McCain, calling him the “most worthy” man ever to run for president and lose. I took him to task for this — I considered it a preposterous overstatement — and knew that Charles would take it in good spirit, and respond with characteristic brio. Until moments before hitting “enter,” this line — written in stupidity but innocence — was in my rebuttal: “Charles doesn’t have a leg to stand on.” Not everyone knew it (his TV appearances were tightly cropped) but Charles was a quadriplegic.

Speaking of which, remember this famous gaffe by Biden, when he told a paraplegic to “stand up” and take a bow?

—

Q: If Democratic Party leaders decide to continue with Biden’s candidacy, then they need to shift the focus from Biden to Trump.  They immediately need a media strategy of pointing out what Trump has done and what he stands for.  They need to unleash their own torrent of attack ads across all media.  The attack ads would be in the range of 15-30  seconds.  They would all follow the same format.  Here are some examples:

VOICE OVER:  Do you want a President who worships dictators?  Donald Trump worships dictators.

Actuality , time code 00:10-00:30.

BIDEN:  I’m Joe Biden and I approved this message.

VOICE OVER:  Do you want a President who loves ignorant people?  Donald Trump loves ignorant people.

Actuality, time code 00:10-00:13.

BIDEN:  I’m Joe Biden and I approved this message.

VOICE OVER:  Do you want a President who daydreams of committing incest?  Donald Trump daydreams of having sex with his daughter Ivanka.

Actuality, time code 00:16-00:19.

BIDEN:  I’m Joe Biden and I approved this message.

VOICE OVER:  Do you want a President who responds to a tough question from a woman by saying the woman is irrational because she is on her period?  Donald Trump does that.

Actuality, time code 00:31-00:49.

BIDEN:  I’m Joe Biden and I approved this message.

– John Kupiec

—

A: Superior.

—

TIMELY TIP: If you’re reading this on an email: JUST CLICK ON THE HEADLINE IN THE EMAIL AND IT WILL DELIVER YOU TO THE FULL COLUMN ONLINE. Keep refreshing the screen to see the new questions and answers that appear as I regularly update the post.

Please remember to Observe and Question:

---

Also, feel free to send Substack $50 for a year’s subscription to The Gene Pool. Today, in particular, I need the money.

Q:   Which is the better version of the joke (not original, seen in some form recently on the internet)

(a) Sisyphus walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a Rolling Rock.”

(b) Bartender says to Sisyphus “What’ll you have?” 

“Anything but a Rolling Rock!”

– Dave Scocca

–

A:  Hey, Dave.  Definitely version 2.   I’m surprised you had to ask! 

–

Q: I had an interview to teach at Colby College. My wife & I flew in to Boston where we were met by a Professor from the Poli-sci department and his child who were in Boston and were driving us to do the interview thing. (The Prof, Sandy Maisel, wrote a book about when he (a nice NY Jewish boy) ran for Congress in rural Maine with the fabulous title “From Obscurity to Oblivion”). Anyway, during most of the 3 hr drive back I referred to his 12 year old as “this guy, fellow, buddy” until SHE told Sandy that she knew it was a mistake cutting her hair so short. Would’ve been a great place to teach. 

A: My VERY EARLIEST MEMORY, singed into my brain, was from when I was about three, and a stranger asked my mom how old her daughter was.  You scarred that child for life.  

—

Q:  So...the Supreme Court says that the President has uncontested immunity for official acts?  Fine.  Let's give 'em a few official acts.

Scenario:  Biden loses the vote to Trump on November 5.

On Thanksgiving Day, November 28, Biden signs a National Security finding that Donald Trump, Trump's Vice-Presidential running mate, Samuel Alito, Clarence Thomas, and Alito's and Thomas' wives are existential threats to National Security.  Biden has all of them apprehended, arrested, and sent to Gitmo under Military Law, making them incommunicado.

Biden announces their arrests and imprisonments on Thanksgiving evening.  At the same time, he nominates two jurists to the Supreme Court to replace Thomas and Alito; these two jurists are in agreement with Biden's actions.  Chuck Schumer ramrods confirmation of the two replacement justices through the Senate before the end of December.  Meanwhile, Biden does nothing to impede the counting of Electoral College, but refuses to authorize the release any of those arrested or allow them to communicate with counsel.  Biden yields power on January 20 and leaves the country for a neutral country, like Iceland.  The House, being Republican, appoints a new President, who nominates a new Justice Department team who are committed to apprehending Biden and bringing him to Justice.  The Senate, having been retained by the Democrats, blocks every nomination.  When at long last the House-appointed President has a semblance of a Justice Department, they issue an arrest warrant for Biden.  Biden retains lawyers who argue that Biden has absolute immunity from prosecution, because he was acting in his official capacity under the Constitution.  The country remains paralyzed for two years while the case slowly, slowly proceeds through the Federal Court system.  Finally, in June 2027, the Supreme Court rules that Biden is immune from prosecution according to the precedent set in Trump v United States.

There's your Checkmate.

A: Several people have been coming up with scenarios like this.  Yours is the best.

—

Q: The best sports team name ever was the Macon Whoopee.  Nothing else comes close.

A: Agreed.

—

Q:  Funny thing about the Ten Commandments. When I was in my twenties I took singing lessons. My teacher suggested I join a church choir. I had never been to church before, but that didn’t seem to matter. So over the next few years I sang in various Protestant churches. One day a call came from a Catholic church. They were doing a sung mass and needed a bass. Would I be interested? Sure! This was the big time! On the morning of the performance I arrived early enough to slip upstairs and catch a bit of the first service. Father Bloom was just starting his spiel. His topic was the Ten Commandments. Since everyone knew them he asked if someone would recite them. (Silence.) “Well, let’s start with one. Can anyone tell me one of the Commandments?" (Silence.) I looked around. The audience was just a scattering of sullen teenagers. “Okay, here’s a hint. Thou shalt ... Thou shalt not … what comes after Thou shalt not? Anybody?” (Silence.) “All right, I’ll do one. 'Thou shalt not kill.’ There. Now what’s another one?” (Silence.) I might have chimed in, but he just used the one I knew. What was with these other clowns? Why were they just sitting there stone faced staring at Father Bloom? He was dying up there. I couldn't watch any longer and crept back to the choir room. I've sat through quite a few sermons. This is the only one I actually remember.

A: I knew a woman who was a fan of live theater, but her strongest memory was when she was in middle school, and went on a class excursion to see Romeo and Juliet, and Juliet sneezed after she was dead.

—

Q: I will not be the only one to point this out, I’m sure. 

The comparison of Biden to Cleveland is poignant. Cleveland is the only US president to lose his bid for re-election, only to win again four years later. Let us hope that Trump won’t duplicate the feat. 

A: Good point. Also my fave trivia question of all time: What two presidents won at least THREE popular votes? FDR and Cleveland. He lost the electoral vote in the middle but won three consecutive populars.

—

Q: I have never heard anyone pronounce "banana" with the second a as in "fail." In England they pronounce it as in "aaah," which is I suppose the opposite. What are you talking about?

A: A-PAIR-ently you are in the vast majority. I know several people who pronounce it that way, but either my instructions were confusing, or I am way offbase.

—

Q: Gene, your donation gives me hope that if you can do this, maybe lots of other people will too. How likely is it that there will be protests in the streets over this ruling, do you think? I cannot believe that this is actually happening in the present day America. I am in shock.

A: it is indeed shocking. I am beginning to suspect — we’ll know in the next few days, I suspect — that there is going to be an unexpected reaction to the commentariat calling for Biden to pull out, as they KNOW what he should do — and to the fact that SCOTUS is crooked.

—

*

Q: P.S.-listening to music on Pandora in between reading today’s offering; got an ad from Obama asking for donations - just sent one in. Couldn’t do $1000 but every little bit helps.

A: Agreed. Part of my sympathy is that I am 72. My mind is pretty sharp. I can still write and think and make sensible decisions. But I cannot recall for sure what I had for dinner yesterday. I admit I’d be a terrible president, though. Biden is not a terrible president.

—

Q: Good: The practice at weddings in which the officiant says, “You may now kiss the bride/groom”.

Bad: The practice at weddings in which guests tinkle their glasses to get their bride and groom to kiss on command.

Ugly: The practice at weddings in which guests IN tinkle their glasses to get their bride and groom to kiss on command.

A: Thank you.

—

–

Q: An informational tidbit for all to enjoy relating to a color:  I thought puce was a repulsive name for a color, and thought it was greenish, but looked it up today and found out it is brownish-red and is from the French for "flea color" and refers to their droppings after they have enjoyed a bloody meal.  It was popular in France when Marie Antoinette was said to have favored wearing it.  It is now more repulsive to me than ever!

A:  Also, thank you.  

—

Q:  Oh Gene, you forgot the most awesome and weird baseball nickname of all - the Hartford Yard Goats. What is a yard goat, you may ask? It is a train engine that tows other trains around a rail yard. But their logo is not a train but a goat chomping on a bat. And the goats hang out at the yard and play baseball. They even have a petting zoo at the game with goats. And their mascots are two goats, Chompers, and Chew Chew. And Chew Chew is just fantastically full of puns because goats (like the one in the logo) like to chew things and also a yard goat is actually a train so Chew Chew, get it? And they are awesome and sometimes at games little kids will dress up as goats and race around the infield in the baby goat race and it is so adorable.

A: Oddly enough, just this weekend in the Gene Pool, I mentioned The Yard Goats.   But I didn’t know the derivation.   (I was talking about my degree of class compared to the first girl I asked on a date, who I said was the New York Yankees.

–

Q: I missed the Thursday deadline but maybe someone already asked. Is it committing adultery if I’m not the one that was married? 

Or would that fall under coveting? 

Or both? 

–

A: It is adultery, according to most definitions.  But a good question. 

From Wiki:  es, an unmarried person can commit adultery if they have sexual intercourse with a married person who is not their spouse. This is defined as adultery in Arizona, where it's a class 3 misdemeanor. In the military, adultery can also apply to unmarried people who have sexual relations with someone married, even if they didn't know or should have known of their marital status.

I have always been intrigued by the term “adultery,” as though this is something one necessarily and naturally does when one is an adult. 

—

Q:  There is a team in upstate New York with a lovely name.  While not part of the MLB farm system they are, according to their website, "An official minor league affiliate of the MLB partnered Empire State Greys."  Their name is the Tupper Lake Riverpigs.  Tupper Lake was a lumberjacking town back in the day and a riverpig was an employee who would ride the logs down the river as they were floated to the sawmill. Their logo is an angry looking lumberjack-pig hybrid.  I immediately bought one of their t-shirts and still wear it proudly.  – kerry ahern

A:  Good grief.  This came in to my queue just before this one:

Q:  Notable team name:  The Lehigh Valley Iron Pigs  (in eastern pa - think Bethlehem Steel and pig iron).  I'm amused every year when Jewish Heritage Night at the Iron Pigs rolls around.  – susan zarrow

A: Nice.    

—

Q: Hi, this is Maggie.   I once saw a gentleman at my workplace approaching me down a long hallway, walking in a very silly awkward manner.  Of course, as I approached I copied his walk precisely.  Upon our meeting he put his hand on my shoulder and told me he had a childhood illness that had forever affected his gait. And I realized I had only connected with him when he was seated at his desk. I still feel bad. Maggie ( Gene, this is my first response - in the right place)?   I also just sent you a photo.  

A: It is, indeed, the right place.  Hi, Maggie.  Maggie Evans Silverstein and I worked  together 70,000 years ago, at Tropic Magazine.    The photo is below.   That’s me with the ugly beard and hair.  That’s Maggie in the middle, looking great.    The dog was cut and pasted in. Art director Philip Brooker, who tended to dress in orange and green, is giving the finger.   Pulitzer winner, Maddie Blais, in pearls, is looking serene and self-confident as always.  John Dorschner, an equally brilliant writer in a beard, is trying to disappear into the background, rear left, as he always did. A great reporting tool.

What a wonderful job that was. The dog was cut and pasted in, I believe.

—

Q: When I began my career as a bassist at the Baltimore Symphony Orchestra, we regularly played a lot of runout concerts. The players would be schlepped by bus to some outlying district or town to present high culture to the populace, usually in a high school auditorium. These concerts, and the rehearsals for them, had to be fitted into our already busy schedule of regular subscription concerts in Baltimore, and every week's schedule was different.

One morning we had a rehearsal for that weekend's subscription concert, after which I went home and settled down for a nap. No sooner had I fallen asleep when the phone rang, and someone in the BSO office was inquiring why I was not at the afternoon runout rehearsal. Crap - I'd forgotten! I dressed hastily, jumped into the car and hightailed it to the concert hall.

I knew there were only four bassists assigned to this concert rather than the usual six or eight, and I was on fourth chair. I also knew that one of the pieces was Dvorak's famous "New World" symphony, whose slow movement ("Goin' Home") ends with a four-part chord played by the basses. A remarkable bit of orchestration, but a huge potential embarrassment for a missing bassist. As I dashed into the hall and began opening my bass trunk, I could hear that the orchestra was nearing the end of this movement. I unstrapped my instrument and grabbed my bow, determined to take my place in time. I stopped at the big heavy door to the stage when I realized I wasn't going to make it. The bass chord sounded - minus the all-important bottom voice. I could faintly hear the conductor asking "Where is the fourth bass?"

At this point I realized there was no way to salvage the situation other than to play it for laughs. With shameless bravado I burst onto the stage, bass in hand, proclaiming "Here I am!" This got a huge laugh, and I pretended to be enjoying the attention rather than mortified to the depths of my soul.

Well, that's pretty much it. In the 40 or so years since this incident I have arrived late to perhaps two rehearsals. Luckily they didn't involve Dvorak's New World Symphony.–Jonathan Jensen

A: I once arrived a year late for a speaking engagement.  It was arranged long in advance, and  I got the YEAR wrong.   The building I went to was now a flower shop, or something.

— 

Okay, we are done for the day. Please keep sending in Questions and Observations! Right here.

See you on Thursday, when you see the truly excellent winning Barney & Clyde entries.